How To Be A “Crunchy” Mom In 12 Easy Steps – Scary Mommy

How To Be A “Crunchy” Mom In 12 Easy Steps

If you find yourself wanting to be more “crunchy,” like that friend you have, then please continue reading. Being crunchy – or what I like to call granola – is the new cool. Every mom is doing it, and so should you. No one wants to be just a normal mom. You need a label in order to be accepted by society.

So here are some things you MUST do in order for people to truly believe that you are indeed granola.

1. ORGANIC. You must use this in every sentence when you are discussing food. All Natural – that don’t cut it. Must be organic. From farm to table. In fact, try to mention that you have your own chickens who lay all of your eggs. Oh, and they roam free. No cage. Make sure that’s said.

2. Cloth diapers are your only option. You cannot use disposable diapers; they contain chemicals that will, for a fact, make your child’s butt fall off. Only the finest cloths shall grace your babe’s sweet tush. Only the best for your child’s poop.

3. Vaccinations. HELL NO! You scream this. Your child is no lab rat. Plus, they eat only organic foods … so they will never be ill.

4. Coconut oil is the cure for all things.

Your kid falls down and scrapes a knee? Coconut oil.

Diaper rash? Coconut oil.

Does he have a cough? Cook his all-organic foods in coconut oil, that will fix him.

Did Billy cut his finger off with a gardening tool? (You have a garden by the way – definitely a must for organic foods. If you don’t have one, plant one. Today.) Dip the severed appendage in some coconut oil, he’ll be fine.

Coconut oil is your only medication.

5. Snacks. Since no one has invented an organic Oreo yet, your child must eat things like black bean tortilla chips, veggie straws that taste like packing foam, and dried kale chips for his snack at school.

It’s pizza day, you say? No, Billy. It’s organic quinoa day. Your mom is granola now.

6. Family Bed. You only thought sleeping was something you did alone or only with your husband. No no. In a granola household, you share your “family bed,” because even though you stay home full time with your children (another granola must), you feel the need to see them when you sleep too. Getting good rest at night would make you a poor mother. You love being tired every day of your life.

7. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding.

What is a bottle? You EXCLUSIVELY breastfeed, and you must make this known in every way possible. #Ebf is an easy hashtag that does the job. Post this. On everything.

You have a picture of your 12-year-old son at his baseball game? Hashtag it. #breastfedbabiesmakethebestballplayers #exclusivelybreastfedandbeautiful #burnallthebabybottles #ebf

No, you would never feed your precious offspring formula. They would probably end up having to be held back in school if they drank that nasty concoction. It contains deadly chemicals you know.

8. Plastic. You hate plastic. You do not store food in plastic, only glass containers. Your kids can only play with wooden toys. No plastic. Anything plastic must be hauled out to the backyard and burned immediately.

Unless it’s BPA-free, then you’ll consider it … but you’d prefer glass or wood.

9. Home school. This is strongly encouraged because statistics show that if your children attend public schools, they will become pregnant, hooked on drugs or die of an incurable disease. It’s fact.

10. Spanking. You shouldn’t. Reading your children poetry about kindness and people’s inner souls should be the only form of punishment in your home. Some moms, depending on their level of crunchiness, accept the method of “time-out.” However, the chair must be decorated or painted; it needs to look inviting. You would never want your kids to think they were actually being punished. (For painted “time-out” chair ideas, please click here.)

11. Natural birth. I feel like this is a given. You must birth your child sans medication. And you must act like you loved it. You LOVED pushing an eight pound baby out of your lady parts and wished you could birth a baby every day.

Also, when you do give birth, it must be documented. Many pictures must be taken of you in a tub, a video must be professionally made and accompanied by music, and you should absolutely post all of these on Facebook. The more people who see this, the better. Because you know, everyone wants to see these pics.

You should also consider writing a musical based off your natural birth.

12. Television. You no longer own a television. It’s evil and full of sins. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse? Your kids don’t watch that crap. To teach your children skills, you use flash cards or things from nature (i.e. counting rocks, leaves, animals). You do not rely on an annoying mouse to play mother to your children. When a friend mentions that her adorable tot is obsessed with Mickey, you must say, “Mickey Mouse? We don’t watch Mickey Mouse. We like to mold minds in our household, not melt them.” To your kids, Mickey is like Santa. He’s make believe and only lives in Disneyland.

Welp, that just about covers it. There are many more things one could do to appear granola, but these are definitely the most important.

One love. (Say that often.)