How to Explain Gays to Your Child

explaining-gayImage via Shutterstock

Because of certain social conflicts, it has suddenly come to your attention that child rearing requires more than feedings, punishments, and money. Children need development, they need guidance, and by God, they need shelter from gay people until you, the parent, have figured out how to explain our existence.

How can you expect the television to babysit your kid nowadays if the evil media keeps airing homosexuals in lip lock? What are you supposed to do when your innocent child is exposed to two men holding hands? How are you going to explain men marrying each other? Since your day is exhausted from fighting the entire world so as to protect your delicate, innocent child, I am here to help.

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I am not a parent (as a matter of fact, I would make a terrible parent because of my general repulsion of children), but I am a gay. This alone authorizes me to provide advice on how to address “you people” to your kid. If you do not agree, may I remind you of the countless media clips of angry mothers yelling, “How am I supposed to explain this to my kids?!” So, don’t be so offended when I say that most of you seem kind of clueless. But it’s okay. I’m not here to judge you on anything more than your appearance.

If you are a parent that is already prepared to speak maturely and honestly with your child about homosexuals, then you can take a break. The rest of you, keep reading…

First of all, if you have the slightest amount of tact, the best response is no response. A reaction is what your child will question, and knowing you, you’ll fuck it up by responding with wildly inaccurate and graphic information on what you believe two men do in the bedroom (or sometimes the bathroom, or maybe outside from time to time because I feel adventurous, but only once in a hot tub because that was very uncomfortable). Kids don’t care about sex or affection, so why traumatize them by bringing it to their attention? If you know your children get bent out of shape over “cooties”, how do you think they’ll respond when you make up stories about what us gays put in our asshole? Displaying disgust towards gay men only accomplishes one of two things. It will either increase the likelihood of your impressionable child one day being prosecuted for a hate crime, or it will result in your closeted gay son growing up to hate himself.

But why pretend to accept the homosexual lifestyle? You believe it is wrong, and you want your spawn to believe it is wrong, too, so that they can carry the legacy of your bigotry to the next generation. This is your right, but if you cared about your child’s future, you would teach them how to respect others that are different from them. In case you haven’t noticed, we gays are everywhere, and most of us are pretty annoyed with having your point of view intruding into our peaceful lives.

If you want your child to succeed, it is good to remember that people of the future do not move up the corporate ladder by addressing their gay boss as “faggot” or win over clients who just so happen to be gay by threatening violence unless they renounce their sin.

So here it is; The secret to effectively talking to your child about gays: Love. It’s that simple.

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If you have already talked to your children about love, all you have to say is, “They’re in love.” If your kid asks, “How can two men be in love,” then someone already tainted them with a negative perception of gay men. You will have to be a parent and let them know that whoever told them that two men can’t be in love is wrong. That’s it. You’re the parent; your child should listen to you. It isn’t hard to talk to your kids about love, is it?

It should go without saying that raising a loving child will make your life as a parent much easier than raising a hateful heathen. So be careful what you say around them and think about your child’s future, because we’re here, we’re pretty queer, so you may as well get used to it because we’re everywhere and not going anywhere.

Related post: The 5 People You Meet as a Gay Dad


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. tara says

    HAHAHA fucking love it. That was hilarious awesome. Totally agree, kids are prepared to accept anything, it’s other peoples crap that causes the “omg, what will I say!?” dilemma.

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  2. says

    Fantastic post! I have heard people call their kids ‘poof’ when they fall over and cry “stop being a poof” and it infuriates me. I can’t understand that there is still this much prejudice in 2014. Get a grip people!

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    • Jenny says

      I think the point that you so swiftly missed, Mary, is that the LGBT community is so frequently told what’s right, wrong, and what they should and shouldn’t do by so very many people that (should) have no say in their lives. In short, if Senator Whosiwhatsit (who is not gay) feels comfortable telling Bob that he can’t marry Tim, then why can’t Bob and Tim (who do not have children) tell Senator Whosiwhatsit about raising children? Double standards Mary, ironic double standards.

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    • Kali says

      I agree with you on a portion of this. That was a very bad choice in words. Telling someone you are repulsed by kids is only starting a battle in a very long pointless war and just pissing people off before they even get a chance to understand your point. You do have business explaining how to say something, you have the right to express your frustration and anger…but never tell a parent how to raise their children by starting off with you not having and not liking children. (And please don’t split hairs here, I know those were not the first words.) One big difference between us is this: I kept reading. And if you got to the end, then you would have understood the message more clearly. Although I am not a fan of the sarcasm in this blog and I am not a fan of the anger and heat it pours out. I understand it and for me to jump and tell him he has no right to be so angry would be far from the truth. Now to the heart of the matter. I don’t understand what’s so difficult about explaining why two men or two women are holding hands or what gay means. I have no problem telling them that anyone has the right to love who they want and anyone that tells them otherwise has closed themselves off, spreading lies and sadness and that is, by far, very wrong. Kids don’t understand hate, they only learn the word from us. They do however understand what it means to be sad. I live the message. Just tell your kids they are in love. Kids also understand love, because they have already loved and been loved.

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  3. says

    Failbomb. A guy with no kids ranting about how some homophobes raise their kids, and giving this as “advice”? Even as a rant/sarcastic response, I found this borderline offensive in its vitriol. Hate flows both ways.

    Btw, I feel no need to “explain” gay couples to my kids, any more than I need to explain hetero couples. What’s there to explain?

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    • Yaramara says

      I agree. I found it all incredibly rude. Hate does flow both ways. The article reminded me of the Catholic families we had in my hometown. Completely and utterly hateful of anyone who wasn’t Catholic (because being Christian or ya-know a decent human being just wasn’t enough).

      My best friend growing up had a youth pastor tell her she was going to hell for being my friend (I’m Wiccan) and her mother (who I love dearly) didn’t hesitate for a second before pulling her out of Sunday school and leaving the church. That is good parenting; teaching the hate isn’t acceptable.

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    • Ozzie Ciden says

      Mary, I have no kids, but long ago, I used to be one. I have actual first hand experience.
      If I had heard at age five about gay couples, I believe my childhood would have been much easier to bear.

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