1. Don’t ever agree to the first outfit mom chooses; that’s why she brings extras — she wants to see you wear all of them! Peruse the suitcase at will and don’t bother to clean up after yourself. Mom lives for that crap.
2. Don’t eat breakfast. It’s a waste to eat the junk they already have in the hotel room. Wait until you leave the room for the day and ask for something obscure. Be adventurous and creative in your request.
3. If the bus to Downtown Disney is 45 minutes late, wait until you see it rounding the corner before mentioning that you have to pee. Mom always did want to be a runner. No better time than the present!
4. Fight for your right to sit four rows away from your parents on the bus. It’s a time to make new friends, and they can’t monitor you as well from a distance. This works if you have a sibling who likes to choose her own seat as well…four rows up from yours. Divide and conquer, friends.
5. Do not, under any circumstance, get into that stroller willingly. It is a 100 lb restrictive torture device that your father lugs around for his own pleasure. Rage against it!
6. Eat only four bites of rice at lunch. The parents have carbolicious snacks in the bag for the plane that are way better than “lunch”. They keep the best stuff in there to appease you on the flight. Hold out for it.
7. When it’s time to head to the airport, keep reminding them that you want to stay. A tantrum is warranted; it shows the degree of commitment and love you have for the vacation. Melting completely to the ground is the ultimate thank you for a good time had.
8. Fun fact: Airports are incredibly fun to run through. Lure parents into a false sense of security by sticking close during check in. Encourage them to check the stroller. Once it’s gone, run. Be free! Everyone thinks its adorable. Especially security.
9. Voice your grievances while waiting to get through security, or right before boarding the aircraft. Anything that’s on your mind. Get it out now. In line. Melt into the floor in a fabulously theatrical performance. Scream “Let go! You’re not my parents!” when Dad attempts to carry you onto the gangway.
10. Once on board, establish your space. Don’t tolerate younger siblings and their baloney. Don’t share your toys. Don’t allow them to touch you or your things. Alert parents if this is a problem. Loudly and with gusto. Remember yesterday when you encouraged your sister to play on the metal bars at the Speedway ride and she fell and busted her face open? Now is a good time to open that wound back up. Literally.
11. Order apple juice to drink. When the stewardess brings you an amber beverage, stiff arm it. She clearly has no clue that apple juice is orange. She is an idiot and should be fired. Kick the seat in front of you until she corrects her mistake.
12. Drink as much as you can, so you can check out those awesome airplane bathrooms. It’s like peeing in a closet. Bucket list material.
13. Ask Mom if she farted. Many times. Claim she did. Loudly.
14. High five siblings for any extra fun behavior. Dumping an entire Dr. Pepper in Mom’s lap is a high five and a fist bump. She gets to smell like Dr. Pepper, but she doesn’t absorb the calories. How grateful she shall be!
15. Approximately three minutes before landing, send the signal to siblings to check out. Fall asleep on Dad, and let sister fall asleep on mom. The juggling act that follows of parents attempting to gather belongings without waking us is priceless. The passengers and flight crew think its hilarious and precious, and Mom and Dad turn into ninja acrobats. Win. Stay asleep juuuust until you get to the car. Then cry the whole way home because you’re tired.
Bonus points: Pee the bed once at home.
Related post: Surviving Disney Land With a Toddler