Jerry Mahoney
Latest posts by Jerry Mahoney (see all)
- The 5 People You Meet as a Gay Dad - March 10, 2013
- Secrets We Keep From Our Kids - February 26, 2013
- How to Talk To Your Children About Gay Parents - February 20, 2013
Imagine you’re at the train station, taking your kids into the city to see the Lion King. A man steps off the 6:16 from Grand Central, and two toddlers run up to him shouting, “Daddy! Daddy!” He gives out two hugs and about a thousand kisses and tells them how much he missed them while he was at work. You’ve witnessed scenes like this many times, but as always, your heart melts. Then the dad stands up, walks a little further down the platform and kisses… another man.
Well, that’s different.
“How was your day?” the first guy asks, and the other one starts talking about who got time outs, why the kids have maple syrup in their hair and who flushed what down the toilet right before they left.
OK, back to normal.
You’ve probably done the math by now — Look! Gay dads! — but there’s a decent chance you’ll feel a tug on your leg, and your kid will look up at you and ask, “Yo, what’s the deal there?”
This is the story of my life. I am a gay dad, and I confuse children.
I’m sure it happens more than I realize – at the supermarket, at the park, at MyGym. Just by acting like any other parents, my partner Drew and I are inadvertently sparking countless conversations that start with, “Where’s their Mommy?”
You’re free to handle that question however you want, of course. But if you don’t know where to begin, allow me to help.
You see, when Drew and I decided to have kids, we knew that the gay dad job description would include explaining our family to the world for the rest of our lives. That’s one of the reasons I started my blog.
It’s also why I am kindly providing you, the sympathetic straight parent, with some guidelines. (Unsympathetic straight parents are free to ignore my suggestions, in which case, I’ll enjoy watching them squirm.) Obviously, what you say will depend on how old your kids are and how much exposure they’ve had to gay people previously, but in a broader sense, these suggestions should apply to anyone.
I’m not a child psychologist, just a gay dad who’s thought a lot about the issue and who has a big stake in it. After all, I don’t want your kids coming up to my kids one day and telling them they’re weird for not having a mommy.
If you don’t want that either, here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Use the word “gay”.
Everyone’s concentrating on taking the negative connotation away from the word “gay”, but at the same time, let’s not forget to encourage the positive. We don’t want “gay” to be a curse, so go ahead and teach it to your kids. That’s how we’ll really take the sting out of the word.
“Oh, Uncle Doug and Uncle Max? They’re gay.” “Aunt Vera and Aunt Debbie aren’t sisters, honey. They’re lesbians.” “Well, statistics suggest at least 3 of the Smurfs must be gay.” Don’t make a big deal about it. Just say it. If your kids hear some jerk at school sneering, “That’s so gay!”, their response will be, “Yeah? So what? So are Uncle Max and, most likely, Brainy.”
You could also use the word “queer”, I guess, but then your kids and I will just think you’re a pretentious dweeb.
2. You don’t have to pretend half the world is gay.
Don’t play down the fact that your kids may have witnessed something unfamiliar. “Geez, Madison. They have two daddies, what’s the biggie?” It’s natural for poor little Madison to be confused, so give her a damn break.
Kids are probably going to assume all families have one mommy and one daddy, because that’s all most of them see. Be honest, and use words like “most” and “some”. “Most families have a mommy and a daddy… but some have two mommies or two daddies.” As long as you don’t attach a value judgment to that statement, it really is no biggie.
Some kids might say something like, “That’s weird”, or they’ll think you’re playing a joke on them. That should just be a reminder of why you’re having this conversation. Get to your kid before ignorance does. If you’re honest with them, they’ll get it. Explain that gay families are less common than the usual mommy/daddy family, but they’re every bit as valid. “It’s not weird, it’s just different than our family.”
3. Get your mind out of the gutter.
It seems silly that I even have to say this, but when some people think about homosexuality and kids, they imagine that you’re suggesting they graphically describe intercourse to kindergarteners. Um, no. All you should be doing is answering the questions they’re asking, and save the rest for junior high health class. If they wonder why Owen has two daddies, it’s because “His daddies are in love”… or because “Some men love other men.” Hopefully, you’ve taught your kids to understand what love is, so no further explanation should be required.
And do use the word “love”. That’s what we’re talking about here. You don’t need to say “attracted to” or “some boys like boys”. “Like” is how they feel about each other. A kid might think, “Well, I like boys. I guess I’m gay.” Compare it to your own relationship (assuming you have a good relationship). “You know the way Mommy and I love each other? That’s how their daddies (or mommies) feel about each other.” And if your kid says, “Yuck!” it’s probably because they feel the same way about you and your wife. That’s progress.
4. Don’t make it about your kid — yet.
Understanding gay parents is a big enough topic of discussion, and your kid probably won’t be prompted to wonder about their own sexuality at this point. You don’t need to say, “You might marry a man someday yourself, Junior!” While it’s great to plant the seeds of acceptance early, you’ll probably just end up confusing them more. Your kids have plenty of time to figure their own feelings out, and when the time comes, make sure you let them know that you love them no matter what. But no, they can’t marry Brainy Smurf.
5. If your kid does ask you to speculate, you can tell them they’ll “probably” be straight.
Again, only if your kid expresses some curiosity should you even broach the subject. But if they’re wondering, “Who will I marry someday?”, feel free to tell them, “You’ll probably marry someone of the opposite sex, but I’ll accept you either way.” Of course, if you’re like the mom from the amazing blog Raising My Rainbow, your “probably” might lean the other way. Just take your cues from your kid.
6. Remember the magic phrase, “Everyone ends up with the right parents for them.”
It’s possible your kids will ask something like, “But doesn’t everyone need a mommy?” Even kids who don’t know exactly where babies come from understand that women are the ones who get pregnant and give birth. When that’s all you know, then two daddies just don’t add up.
Again, don’t go into any more detail than you need to. Remind your kid that while it’s a woman who gives birth to a baby, your Mommy(-ies) and/or Daddy(-ies) are the one(s) who raise you. If two men want to start a family together, then yes, they’ll need help from a woman. But that woman is not the mommy. It’s no different than how you’d explain adoption by a straight couple. “The Strattons flew to Beijing and brought little Daisy home. Now they’re her Mommy and Daddy.” Assure your children that the kids are in good hands, and that everyone ends up with the right parents for them.
7. Most importantly, just talk to your kids.
Your kids are bound to see a gay family sooner or later, even if it’s just Mitchell & Cameron on Modern Family. So if they come to you with questions, it’s really important that you don’t get weird about it. Don’t change the subject, don’t tell them they’re too young to understand and definitely don’t lie and say that the mommy is home doing dishes or off fighting in Afghanistan. Otherwise the message you’re sending is that there’s a reason to be uncomfortable around gay families. The same goes for all kinds of families, whether they have two moms, two dads, a single mom, a single dad, foster parents or if they’re being raised by wolves – just explain that that’s a different kind of family and gee, isn’t it nice that everyone’s a little different.
… which leads me to a big secret.
You see, there is a gay agenda. It’s true.
What most people don’t realize is that the gay agenda isn’t “everybody should be gay”. It’s “everybody should be themselves.”
Be a nerd, be a Yanni fan, be a real housewife of your particular geographic region. Whatever. It’s all part of the same cause, and it’s a great message to teach your kids.
I shouldn’t have to say this in 2012, but for anyone who’s still wondering, NO, I don’t want to make your kids gay. I just want to live my life with a sense of mutual respect for everyone else on this planet. If you want the same thing, then let your kids learn by your example. Show them that nontraditional families are nothing to be afraid of.
Teaching your kids to be accepting of gay people and gay families is a great way to teach them acceptance in a broader sense – and to teach them the ultimate lesson: to be accepting of themselves.
I know some people think differently, but that’s what I call family values.
{ 120 comments… read them below or add one }
My kids’ guncle thanks you! Yay gay! It’s not a bad word!
ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted..This is me. Now.
It’s a great word! Your kids are lucky to have a guncle!
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Hear, hear.
Families are made up of people who love each other, who care about each other, who have each other’s backs. That’s what matters.
Alison recently posted..Saying No
Love! Love the commentary, love the gay agenda, love the terrible drawings.
Kids like things to be different. It’s interesting. Grown ups are the ones who are uncomfortable with individuality. As a straight parent, I thank you for some talking points. We live a state where gay marriage is legal, so my kids know that some boys marry boys and some girls marry girls, but they haven’t had too many detailed questions. Yet.
Amy recently posted..20 Things I Learned In College
Thank you for loving the terrible drawings. I tried. :)
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
I LOVE this post!!
My kids have known gay couples since they’ve been born and have never questioned it (to be fair, we talked about it often using words like most and some and were always accepting).
When my daughter was in kindergarten she got into a fight with a friend. They were playing “house” and the friend wanted to be the mommy. My daughter said “ok, I’ll be the mommy, too” and the friend said “no, you can’t have two mommies”. My daughter insisted that wasn’t right and finally yelled, “but I KNOW someone with two mommies!” My daughter is now a young adult and I still think back on that and love that she’s known since she’s been born that everyone can live however they chose and can have families that look different from ours.
Amazing story. As more kids know families headed by same-sex couples (or gay individuals) topics like this will become irrelevant. Even for me as a gay dad, I still like my kids to know other gay dads (and moms), so they know we’re not the only ones. We hung out with some gay dad friends yesterday, and my daughter said to theirs, “You have two daddies, just like us!” It was very sweet.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
*stands up and applauds*
That was so well written, thank you for sharing!
Nicole
Thanks, Nicole!
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
I love this! I have always believed in just telling it like it is, and not ignoring questions.
Lady recently posted..Inspiration: The Horse Boy
Yeah, I’m so glad the days of “that’s Uncle Jimmy’s… er… special friend” are behind us. Or at least that they’re on the way out.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Thanks for a very well put way to explain gay parents. As a Christ-follower I want to explain to my daughter who has a gay uncle and partner but don’t want to confuse her. This was well written article and gave great advice. Thanks for sharing and look forward to reading more. God bless!
Thanks, Brittany. I know not every religion has nice things to say about families like mine, but it’s my hope that we can all at least teach our kids to respect everyone. Sounds like you feel the same way.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
I like this article, and a lot of these points needed to be made. But at the same time, it is limiting.
“Most families have a mommy and a daddy… but some have two mommies or two daddies.” Well, what about one parent? Especially single gay parents? Especially single gay dads? I know that this was prompted from the blogger’s personal situation. But the idea of a single gay parent seems to be left off of the media landscape entirely. It could have at least been mentioned here.
I see your point, but it seems to me like this article was geared at talking to your kids to explain their questions when they see a gay couple together. In my experiences so far as a parent, my kids are used to seeing single parents, both dads and moms, and I haven’t really felt the need to point out whether they happen to be gay or straight. Seeing one parent with a child is more familiar to my kids than seeing two mommies or two daddies with that child.
“The same goes for all kinds of families, whether they have two moms, two dads, a single mom, a single dad, foster parents or if they’re being raised by wolves – just explain that that’s a different kind of family and gee, isn’t it nice that everyone’s a little different.”
Thanks for the comment, Sara. As you can see, I did actually mention single-parent families. Sorry if I gave the impression I was ignoring them by not mentioning them in the line you quoted, but of course, I believe kids should appreciate and respect single parent families as much as any other.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Awesome post!!
My kids had a gay uncle when they were little (he’s since passed) and we used very much a similar philosophy. We did use the word love but we also used “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” when explaining same sex relationships because even when very little, kids usually know these terms. We’d say “Some men like to have boyfriends instead of girlfriends.”
In any case, keep on rockin’ that agenda. Love it!!
Lori Beth Johnson recently posted..Chapter Seven
I think “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are great. My partner and I aren’t married, and I usually call him “partner” or “boyfriend”. In general, since there’s no universal language yet for gay partners, you should go with what the particular couple prefers. But no one expects you to go around asking every gay couple what terms they use for each other, or if they’re legally married or whatever, so if you stick with boyfriend and girlfriend as a shorthand, I don’t think anyone would mind.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Putting the happy connotation back in the word “gay.” Love it!
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted..Thanksgiving Therapy
Aw, thanks. This comment made me feel quite gay.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Well, there you go. The positive approach always wins. Its all in how we tell the story. We can make a really cool generation if we can teach them responsibility, tolerance and a good work ethic.
momma
Pam @Mommacan recently posted..Harlequin Romances, Diamonds and Office Supplies
THANKS!
Great post. It reminds me that even though I am straight I am also living an “alternative lifestyle” because of my choice to be a single mother through the use of a sperm donor. I believe my child will grow up accepting of all the ways to make a family because of that. It will be interesting when he is to the point of asking these questions and I am sure out family will be the object of other kids confusion at some point too. Love these talking points as a great way to frame your attitudes about differences and individuality for your children.
Awesome, Amy. I believe we’re sharing the “nontraditional family” umbrella, so howdy. I really believe in being as honest and open as possible about our families and how they were created. Not to do so implies that we feel some shame about them. I’m proud of my family, and single moms who use sperm donors should be proud, too. That pride is sure to carry over to our kids.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Very well written. My husband’s brother is gay so we’ve had a few conversations with our boys here and there about what makes a family. There are also so many combinations of single, divorced, remarried parents out there that nothing’s really “normal” anymore. It’s been harder to explain divorced families to my kids than it was to explain gay couples. The kids understand love – they have a lot more trouble understand love ending.
Good point, Erika. Of course, there are plenty of divorced families these days, too. Most kids have friends who split time between two parents or two homes. Divorce isn’t easy to explain, but I’m sure we’ll all end up doing it sooner or later. Maybe someone can write a post on it. :)
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Erika, I completely agree, in fact I read your comment with all of these and then went back and looked for it again, because this line stuck with me “The kids understand love-they have a lot more trouble understanding love ending”. I used to actually get ANGRY when people around us divorced, because we then had to try and figure out how to explain this to my kids. It’s heart-wrenching. And now, as recently single mom (not by my choice…after 20 years of marriage) you couldn’t have stated this any better. My own kids are still struggling to figure it out, but I am blessed that they don’t care WHO loves WHO–just so it committed and true.
Wonderful post. Thank you
I think some people really believe gay people are overtly sexual. I have a gay sis in law and she and her girlfriend are very “Non” touchy feely.
Ha! It’s the homophobes who can’t stop thinking and talking about gay sex. Not to get too specific, but I’d guess most gay marriages are about as sexual after a couple of years as straight marriages are.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
ahahaha…! thank you for that laugh :)
2a. “Most families have a mommy and a daddy… but some have two mommies or two daddies.” (Or, some have two mommies and a special friend like Aunt Jackie and that, Cindy, is called Big Love.)
It’s been interesting to see my kids’ perspectives on the gay families around us. When my oldest was perhaps 4 she began to describe a girl in her class as “Taqueta. You know, the one with two daddies?” Um, yes, I know by the name, honey (because I’m hoping she’s the only damn Taqueta.) Now that she’s 12, I find her stance fascinating (and evolving) (and sometimes ignorant, which we are still combating, but it’s hard fighting all the stupidity her friends get from tv, the internet, AND THEIR PARENTS.)
Arnebya recently posted..Wordful Wednesday: The Power of Friendship
You crack my shit up, Arnebya. :)
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..If You’re Happy, Do You Know It?
I would so buy a copy of “Taqueta Has Two Daddies” and read it to my kids every day. :)
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
I have been working on spinning gay also. Try this one. Sally yells, “I won the lottery!!!!!” Suzy responds, “That is SO GAY!”
My flower girl got into a fight while playing Barbies with the bride barbie because her friend insisted on the typical Ken and Barbie wedding. She ttarted screaming “Mommy! You tell her! Girls marry girls- Brittany and Cake (what she calls my wife kate) got married!” It was cute.
Awesome. Congrats to Brittany and Cake!
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
You brought tears to my eyes. Raising my children in a small town where they don’t see many racially diverse people, or people with apparent disabilities, I have struggled with how to expose them to these topics so they come to embrace them as a normal and not be afraid of them or worse – make fun. In the moment, I freeze – caught between wanting to take time to explain to them and not wanting to offend the gay couple (or disabled person, or person of a different race, or whatever). You made me realize that I am inadvertently teaching them all wrong by doing that. I can do better than that. In fact, I’m going to find ways to to introduce the idea myself and to talk about different kinds of families this month. Thank you for the inspiration. Wish me luck!
Good luck! I wish more parents were as broad-minded as you are, wanting to expose their kids to things they don’t see where they live. Remember, that’s what books (and TV and movies) are for! I highly recommend Todd Parr’s book The Family Book for that reason.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
What a great reminder. Sometimes I think changing the subject is the best route, but you’ve reminded me it’s really not.
Bravo! Fabulous post. I wish there were more open minded people in the world.
LOVE this! Thanks for posting!
Among our friends is a gay couple (soon to be legally married! Yay!) who’ve adopted two boys close in age to my son. DS has known our friends since, like, forever, so it’s really never been much of an issue. And anyway, sorting out squabbles among the boys about which video game to play, does the 3rd boy get to play the winner or loser, who gets to use the “best” controller, etc…. is a much bigger deal. :-)
Aimee recently posted..“No honey, there’s death in it.”
My kids are still too young for video games. Can I come over and play at your house? :)
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
This is such a great post – thank you for sharing this!
Michele C. recently posted..Kids Say February 2013
You lost me at ‘Yanni Fan’…
Otherwise, a very even and reasonable post!
Hahahahaha! I agree! I loved, loved, loved this article! Yanni Fan is just going a little too far! In the words of Bon Qui Qui, “Don’t get Crazy!” Going to “like” your site Mommy Man: Adventures of a Gay Superdad right now!
I agree with you 100% – although I’ll confess I didn’t always see it the way I do now. When I was raising my oldest two daughters (now 19 and 16) it didn’t occur to me to explain things this way; I never “expected” to see gay parents with their kids. I’m lucky we didn’t because I would have been at a loss as to how to explain it. I was also under a big misconception about gay people, having been raised to think it wasn’t “normal” and that it was a choice. Thankfully I have enough working brain cells that I realized differently. This was even before I discovered that my oldest daughter is bisexual. I had suspected as much for quite some time but having heard me and others refer to homosexuality or bisexuality as a choice kept her from confiding in me. That’s still something I feel guilt over. Having seen my change in attitude has helped her confidence grow and though she doesn’t necessarily talk to me about women she’s attracted to, she doesn’t hide it either. My 16 year old realized a couple years ago that she’s pansexual; I’m still trying to understand the concept of not seeing people in terms of gender, but I don’t discount it and she knows it doesn’t change my feelings for her one bit. Now that I have two younger children (17 months and 3 months) I know I’ll approach the subject in a much different way.
Don’t beat yourself up about it too much. The world has come a long way toward accepting and understanding gay people. A lot of people used to be more closed-minded about it. What matters is how you treat your kids now, and it sounds like you’re doing great. How awesome that you get a second chance with the new batch, so to speak. :)
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Perfection!
I loved this! Thank you for posting this!! I cried.
Our daughters have friends with gay parents but are too young to notice. They only care that someone is dishing out the snacks at playdates, not who they are married to. When our oldest asked about it (in 1st grade) we casually said “Oh, Ashley has two mommies. God thought she could use two mommies. Sometimes kids need extra. Just like you have Mom & Dad, she has a Mom and Mom.” She was like “Cool. Can we go on in the pool now?”
Hilarious. I definitely support not making a big deal about gay parents. Wait for the kids to ask, just like you did. My kids are only 3 years old, so they’re not really asking their parents (or us) about why we have two dads in our family yet. I’m sure we’ll be sparking a lot more conversations in a couple of years. :)
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
We are sorrounded by gays and fortunately my kids love gays and lesbians. Their godfathers are gay and one godmother is lesbian. They don’t treat people differently and when they ask why aunt married a girl, I just told them they love each other.
Nice. It’s that simple.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
My adopted daughter’s biological mother is in a same sex relationship. My child’s older half-sister lives with them and has a Mom and a Mama. I have raised my child to know all of this and have tried to help her understand it. And she has. Yesterday, a 6th grade girl told another 6th grade girl that my daughter is a lesbian. There was drama. The guidance counselor told my daughter that it’s “OK to be confused about your sexuality.” And suddenly, years of teaching tolerance have gone out the window. This is where it all begins. In 6th grade. With mean girls. God bless you and your children.
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Wow. Incredible piece. Informative and humorous!! I intend to share this with many! I especially found it interesting that using word “gay” IS okay/acceptable. There are so many mixed messages for our kids today, making sure we use the “right” word(s)–it’s nice to have valuable input!
Yeah, it’s confusing, because we constantly tell our kids not to say “gay” in a negative way. But I don’t know anyone who’s gay who’s personally offended by the term, as long as it’s used in a positive way. The f-word is different, but gay (in the right way) is A-OK.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Ugh, how sad that kids are still using the gay/lesbian accusation to attack other kids. At least your daughter will be more open-minded thanks to the way you’re raising her.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
This is fantastic.
Thank you for your open dialogue and for encouraging parents to speak to their children about all families, not just mom and dad, but all.
It’s not cookie cutter anymore folks.
Exactly!
Thanks, Leighann! So nice to read all these great comments from people who agree with my suggestions.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Jerry, I love your big, fat, gay agenda! Excellent post – well-written, informative, helpful, and funny. In other words, perfection.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..If You’re Happy, Do You Know It?
Kristin @ What She Said, you’re too kind! Thanks for the awesome comment.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Thank you so much for this, sincerely. Sometimes I just can’t find the right words to explain things to my 4 year old, like when my sister broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of his house. I never want to give too much information but I do want to answer her questions. Thank you again.
Glad I could help Hillary. I hope I don’t sound like I’m saying any of this is easy. It’s hard to talk to kids about tough subjects, and I have trouble myself sometimes. It’s just nice to read from so many people who want to have the dialogue.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Thanks for this. I often wonder what to say to my kids if/when they ask or have questions. I want them to be raised to be accepting of everyone and themselves. I tend to get “wordy” when trying to explain things such as “where do babies come from” “why is that guy kissing another guy” and I want to be able to keep it simple. This article helped put it simply.
Great, Lisa. Wordy is never good, but I do it myself with my kids all the time. I’m working on it, too. :)
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
I love the way you explained this. There are lots of people who should read this. My oldest daughter came home from school one day when she was in Kindergarten with a question. A grade 8 student told her that she and her little friend (another girl) could get married and she wanted to know if it was true. We live in Canada so it is true, gay marriage is legal here.I told her that most girls marry boys but sometimes girls marry girls and boys marry boys. I also told her that families come in all different ways. Some have a mommy and a daddy, some have 2 mommies or daddies. Some have one parent. Some have no parents but have grandparents, foster parents, aunts or uncles or even an older sibling. I told her the only thing that matters is that the family loves each other. I told her that everyone is different in their own way and that is what makes the world so wonderful. If everyone was the same the world would be boring. Now fast forward a few years. A friend of mine’s husband passed away leaving her a widow with a baby. A couple years later this friend calls me up to tell me she is dating a woman. The woman also had a child. The ended up getting married. They eloped so we weren’t at the wedding. I never really discussed the situation (didn’t really think to, it wasn’t a big deal) with the kids and the kids didn’t really realize they were a family at first. One day I needed someone to pick up my kids because I had an appointment and I called my friends wife and asked her if she would mind picking them up and watching them for a couple hours. She said no problem and picked them up. My husband went and got them after work. My older daughter came home and asked if they lived together like her dad and I do. We think she noticed how many bedrooms are in the house because my friend isn’t a touchy feely kind of person and didn’t come in and hug and kiss her wife after work.. I answered yes, they are married and that was the end of the questions. She already knew what being gay/lesbian means so it wasn’t a big deal. Kids only make a big deal out of things if we do. On a side note, my friend’s sister won’t let her see her kids any more because she doesn’t want my friend to turn her kids gay. I’m not quite sure how one would turn someone gay, kinda ridiculous. Unfortunately her kids are likely going to grow up with no respect for other people and their choices. Sorry for the long post, this just really reminded me of how we handled my daughter’s questions. We always encourage our kids to ask questions about anything and try to give them the most accurate answers.
Thanks so much for the comment, C.J. It’s so nice to hear of parents like you dealing with the subject so well. Such a shame about your friend’s sister. I’m bracing myself for the day when my kids find out some parents won’t let their kids play at our house for the same reason. I hope it never happens, but I want to be ready if it does.
Jerry Mahoney recently posted..Another (Link to a) Video of Me on TV!
Love this post! It is great that you have done this for anyone who isn’t really sure what to say. You are right, all children will ask about it at some point, but they will ask about anything that isn’t the same as what they have grown up in. I’m not sure how old your child(ren) is/are, but I’m sure there will come a day when you will have to explain straight families to them. I don’t think that will be as difficult for you, however, since you have such a wonderful grasp of how to talk with children and how to make everything sound normal – even being raised by wolves!
I am seriously going to memorize this so I get it right with my kids. I’m also going to share it. And of course I’m going to have to follow your blog now. I just love love love this. LOVE.
And that’s what it’s all about, right? Love?
=)
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Awesome post! My son is 14 and we talk about this a lot. Even though we live in Utah, there’s a surprisingly large gay population here – go figure! I just tell him to be kind. The gay kids at his school get a lot of grief every day from all sides and I don’t want him to add to that one little bit. And he really seems to get it. I tell him about the cross-dresser at my work. It’s a little unusual, but he has just as much right to be there as I do and I am just as polite and respectful to him as I would be to anyone else. That’s just being a good person, I think.
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I sure wish this article had been around a few years ago. DSS was 9 or 10 when DH went to a work for a gay man. We, as a family, were invited to his home to have dinner with him and his partner. After the dinner, we were waiting for DSS to ask the obvious questions. He seemed to be thinking.
“What did you think of Jim and Dave?” DH finally asked him. He thought for another moment.
“I like Jim fine, but I think his boyfriend might be gay,” replied DSS.
It was a long drive home.
Such a good, straight-forward and simple approach. I wish those who are intolerant and choose to hate would see how much simpler it is to accept and love instead. Oh, and just how evil it is to teach a child anything other than acceptance and love.
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I was talking about marriage with my children in a general sense, since they were curious. I had also mentioned how mommy and daddy were best friends too. My son (4 years old) put two and two together, asked if boys could marry boys, and I said yes, of course, if they love each other. He decided then that he was going to marry his best friend (another boy). And life moves on. :-)
Brainy? I mean, obviously Vanity and probably Hefty and Handy. Brainy’s probably not interested in Smurfs (or Smurfette).
From a lesbian mom – thank you :)
Whew. I feel so much better now. I had this talk one morning while taking my daughter to school She used the negative connotation of gay (as in, “that’s so gay.”) I explained what gay really means and that it isn’t nice to use it that way. Although, I did use the word like, but I wasn’t describing parents or partners so I think we’re still good.
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What a great post–lighthearted, refreshing, and right on target. “Get to your kid before ignorance does”–a good reminder not just about gay parents, but about so many other things in the world, too.
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This was awesome! I hope we reach a point someday soon where such a blog post isn’t necessary, but until then you’ve eloquently laid it all out here…thank you!
Perfect timing! I had this discussion with my 6 year old recently. I decided to just keep it simple and tell her that men can love other men and women can love other women and that whoever you decide to love is ok. She asked if they can get married and I said yes… because even though its not yet legal where we live I didn’t want to get into the politics behind it and how unfair the system is :(
I hope that by the time she reaches high school gay marriage will be legal.
Great post -
When my 13 year old was introducing her Guncle to some friends recently, there was some snickering. My daughter didn’t ‘explain’ she just flat out stated “They aren’t gay…they are just moderately happy. They are parents of teeneagers, afterall.”
brilliant response #appledoesn’tfallfarfromtree
Wow, after reading this post and all the comments, i am surprised. You are telling people how to handle talking to there kids about gays. I realize that we all can use advice once in awhile, but this also involves morals, beliefs and values.
As I have told my children. When it comes to gays, they are most likely very nice people as for the way they live, if God had intended for men to marry men or women to marry women, there would be only one sex.
You are probably a very nice person. when it comes to children I was a single mother for many years. I realized that I could never replace for my kids what it was like to have a father at the time.
I could only be there mom. Dad’s think different and do things different. Families are meant to have a father and mother in them and when this does not happen there is an uneven balance. I know this from being a single parent.
It is totally impossible for man to met the needs that a women gives and it is totally impossible for a women to give the needs that a man give .
No i do not dislike gay people, but I will not throw away my values, morals and beliefs, because society tells me that is what I need to do. I can very much accept you as a person and you deserve the right to speak as anyone does. Do i beleive you are right when it comes to your life style? The answer would be no.
Thank you for a very interesting post.
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Totally agree:) thanks for speaking your values!
I’m sorry, but I am surprised you posted this. Some people would not agree with your lifestyle either, even though “you are probably a very nice person”. Everyone’s morals, values, & beliefs are different. It doesn’t mean that they are any worse (or better) than your own.
For example, I believe in one marriage for life, until death. But, I won’t think any less of someone if their life differs from that. I only think less of people when they become hypocrites.
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Debbie, I’m glad to see that I am not the only one not willing to disregard my values, morals, and beliefs because society says I have to.
I am who I am. I am proud of that.
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The straightforward approach. Noted.
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Exceptional post!!
“I just want to live my life with a sense of mutual respect for everyone else on this planet.”
Well put.
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FANTASTIC post :) I used to be one of “those” parents….thankfully now I’m not ;) (Nevermind the fact that late in life I realized I’m bisexual). My family definitely supports your family!!
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Wow. This is just about the best post I’ve ever read. I feel like I’m “doing it right” and I still learned stuff. Showing it to everybody.
OMG I love this! We went for yearrrrrs before my girls finally asked any details about Aunt K and Aunt A. It’s such a natural part of our family that we FORGOT that it’s not “typical” and had never discussed all the different types of love in the world. Love, love this post . And now I’mma go share it all over the world.
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When my daughter was in second grade in the middle of dinner she asked me if she was gay. I asked her if she wanted to marry a boy or a girl. She said she wanted to marry a boy. I said then you aren’t gay, finish your chicken. Very matter of fact, no judgement. She has an Uncle Carmen who is more of an Aunt, and an Aunt Heather who is more of an Uncle. We don’t care in this family. We are who we are and we love who we love.
As a Christ-follower, mom of a 20 year old trans kiddo and a very typical (so far…) 7 year old son – I love, love, love this article! When my oldest came out in high school I nearly had a panic attack (very staunch religious upbringing) – truly!! I tried convincing him (at the time, now her…) (a LOT) it was a phase… Yep, didn’t work… In fact, hurt her a LOT.
However, with some time and reading and talking, I’ve recovered. And so has he (from her crazy mom). I love my transgender kiddo (whom I just refer to as my kiddo normally…) and my 7 year old has an amazingly open heart to people who may be different than us. It’s articles like these that help make this world a little more accepting – over time, hopefully a lot more accepting.
My 7 year old (despite his still crazy mother on so many other levels) has been raised to love all people (unless they’re rotten & mean – then they’re okay to avoid) for their hearts and not for how they look, who they love (unless the sicko loves kids in a pervy way) or any other notion.
Thank you!
I love this! Last year, while driving somewhere, my kindergartener suddenly asked me “Can a girl marry another girl?” I told her that some people think it’s ok and other people don’t, and then asked what made her ask. As it turns out, her new little friend in school has two mommies. When she asked how that could happen, I told her that you are supposed to marry the person who makes your heart the happiest and that I hope someday everyone will think it’s ok for them to get married. She just said “Me too Mommy.” I have read a few blogs or other articles that are so political, or not very relatable for my straight friends who don’t quite ‘get it’, and there is usually at least one or more things I can kind of nitpick about the lists I see that help drive the wedge a little further. I have to commend you. Your points are all valid whether we’re straight or gay, and a testament to how, even in our differences, we are all the same.
Jerry, what a wonderful post! When my daughter was born, I had to find someone to watch her while my husband & I were at work. Someone told us about a woman who had an incredible in-home daycare not far from home. One of the first things she told us was that she was gay. My husband & I just said “And…?” From the time my daughter was only 5 1/2 weeks old, we were a part of their family, and we, a part of theirs. My daughter is 19 y/o and to this day were are all still as close as any family could be. I also have many family & friends who are gay so it has never been an issue, but I’m glad you are here for those who need to find a way to share this.
Collette recently posted..Sharing—Is It Really A Good Thing?
I also wanted to let you know that you have a new follower :)
Collette recently posted..Sharing—Is It Really A Good Thing?
I came out to my kids during the summer of last year. They get confused from time to time because they only know me as having been married to their dad and I’m not dating anyone as this time. We talk about it from time to time and I know it will become more real some day but for now it’s, meh, whatever.
I love your advice, it’s exactly what I would say, if I were a better writer! Thanks for speaking for scary gay parents everywhere!
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ditto, ditto & ditto to many of these comments – beautiful post, hilarious & helpful at the same time. I, too, have a gay agenda, if it means everyone gets to be themselves!
Dude. They are two parents …….parenting. who gives a fuck about gender. If you raise them to care, they will. There is NOTHING unnatural about two people that love eachother raising a family, gender be damned. Way to completely exacerbate the rift.
Full disclosure: I tend to be keen on writing fun little one-liners in the comments sections when I like a particular blog post. Not today. I’m a new visitor, and you’re timing and this piece are PERFECT for a real topic that, quite honestly, does keep me up some nights. My sister is gay, and I wish I’d had your post here as a handout over the past year or two. It’s been a little complicated trying to figure out how to best talk about homosexuality with both of my kids, particularly my 9-year-old, who ‘s getting old enough to ask the real questions. For the longest time, I did the “him or her” and “she or he” thing when talking about romantic love and parents, but I really started to feel like it was too many shades of gray for a kid of her age, so I reverted back to hetero-speak. And then I felt really guilty about doing that, like I was betraying my sister but also like I needed to keep in mind that either or both of my kids could grow up to fall in love with someone of the same sex. And I think I was way overthinking it and way overshooting, and my sister has tried to articulate to me so many times what you just perfectly stated. I can’t wait to share your post with her, and thank you so much for helping me exhale and just go with the flow on this one.
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I have shared this on my FB page. It is a good post. I hope many read it.
However, I do take issue with this line: ‘that everyone ends up with the right parents for them.’
No, they don’t. The number of children who are abused and neglected proves that.
I do see, in the spirit of the post, that the line was not meant to put blame on a child for their horrific parents. But having been raised by a parent who ‘survived’ such terrible parenting (if we can even call it that), I am very aware of how much these Hallmark-esq lines hurt. That baggage never totally goes away – the self blame and all the people who were happy to reinforce that mind set.
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Great post! My 12 year old has seen boys/men kissing on TV and he’s still in the “that’s gross” stage, and we’ve talked to him about gay love/marriage.
He knows we are accepting no matter what, and if he comes home with another boy one day, we’ll be okay with that and just want him to be happy and safe.
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I thought it was pretty much confirmed that all the Smurfs were gay. Great post!
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for posting this. Sometimes I feel like I’m not really sure if it’s okay to ask things like this. Do gay people get sick of answering these questions? Am I thinking too much? But I think it’s important. It isn’t even that I want my kids to be accepting as much as I want them to know that I accept them. Although, of course I want them to be open minded as well :) But you hear so many stories of gay youth kicked out of their home by parents who somehow (HOW??) only love their children if they are straight. I never want my kids to be afraid of losing my love.
This is such a wonderful post! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing it! :)
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Love this! My son’s best friend has two dads and I’ve always been fine with it. I love that since they’ve been friends since age 5, my son thinks nothing of this. And blogs like this one will certainly help . . .
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How am I going to talk to my child about gay parents?
I’m going to tell him that my opinion is that a healthy relationship between a man and a women is best.
I don’t want him to accept homosexuals because of societal pressures telling him how he is supposed to think. I want him to form an opinion regardless of how popular/unpopular it is.
I want him to be a man.
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I feel so fortunate that my kid has attended a Waldorf school where
“his dadS” or “his momS” had always been a part of my son’s class room, and playdate culture. Now that he is a teen, and several highschoolers have “come out” it’s just not a big deal.
My son understands that a healthy relationship can look many different ways and family can mean a lot of different things.
Our community, his school…has supported my parenting values.
Great tips, and wonderful post.
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Single lesbian mom here.
Great post. Really great post. I had a friend, who is part of a long running gay couple (17 years) recently ask me what/if I will tell the boys about my sexuality (their 3 right now). It took me a bit to figure out what he was asking because he said “you know about you being a, well, not liking men”. He couldn’t even say lesbian and in fact, I’m not sure he can say gay. He told me about how he and his partner have never shown affection around his nieces and nephews or talked about their relationship and he said the kids never brought it up. Of course they didn’t. They thought it was a shameful or forbidden topic.
The boys know I’m a lesbian (even if they don’t understand what it means). They know if they get another parent if would be another mommy (although one asks about a daddy and his brother wants 8 mommies).
He has promised that they boys will never see/know that they are partners. Um, yeah, they will figure it out. We live in the gay district. They go to the pride parade every year. We talk openly at home about different families. You can’t live in a studio apartment with only one bed and expect kids not to know. I would rather they talk about it than think its a shameful thing.
I don’t want my kids to grow up ashamed of showing affection, (even if they turn out straight)
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I think this post is really helpful and well written. A few years ago my son realized that a pair of sisters in our neighborhood has two moms. He had hung out with them a number of times, but had never seen both moms together. We had a quick discussion about what the word gay means and how there are many different ways to be a family. He took in the information and went on with whatever he was doing that day.
Just like that. Kids have an amazing capacity to NOT make a big deal about being different… if adults model that kind of behavior.
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love this! i had to explain the opposite of this to my nephew who has two mommies. He wanted to know why I was married to a boy. :)
I love this article and it is very close to home as we are one of those non-traditional families with 3 moms and 1 dad! My husband’s ex (whom with he had a child) is married (yay for Maryland for voting yes on same-sex marriage) to her long time partner and all 4 of us are actively involved in raising our daughter.
She is in second grade and it is refreshing to see how completely OK most of her friends and classmates are with the mom-and-dad, mom-and-mom, combo. It’s totally no big deal to them and it gives me real hope for the future. In kindergarten one of her classmates exclaimed how lucky she was to have 3 moms and it was so cute.
My favorite anecdote proves that it’s all about perspective and normal is in the eye of the beholder. One day my husband took then maybe 3 or 4 year old daughter to the park where there is a duck pond. As they watched the ducks and ducklings swim, she turned to him and asked, “Do duckies have three mommies and one daddy too?” To which my husband chuckled and said, “No, honey, you are just extra special.”
Thank you so much for your post.
I knew some of the stuff, but you brought up things I hadn’t thought of.
As the mother of a 6yr old, it’s certainly key to be prepared…if I can. I have a feeling this conversation will be coming up any day now.
GREAT post!
When I was teaching middle school 15 years ago my teaching partner came out to the class in mid year. (Very offhand, he made a reference to some conference or association of gay teachers or something.) The administration called ME in for a special meeting about how we were going to Handle the Crisis. I told them the kids were going to take their cues from us – if we acted like it was a big deal, it was going to be a big deal. If we said, “Yep, he’s gay. And…?” the kids would move on to the next potential source of melodrama. Thank goodness they took my advice for once.
It’s been a relative non-issue now that I’m a parent, since we’re good friends with a gay couple who have children around the age of our own, and my older daughter has a friend in her class with two mommies. It’s just part of the landscape for my kids. Of course, two nights ago my kindergartener asked me, “Mommy, what does sexy mean?” and all I could do was blibber. Apparently I do not handle all potentially touchy subjects with equal aplomb.
This post is fantastic. Completely matter of fact – exactly the tone we should use when explaining the different types of families out there to our children.
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Great article. But oooh… #6 is a toughie. I am not sure that this is the right message to send when so many kids are abused, neglected, or otherwise haunted by parents who don’t cut it. Saying that these parents are “right” for these kids seems pretty screwed up.
Great post! It really does seem like kids take their cues from us. If we act like something is weird or uncomfortable, they’ll act accordingly. If we act like other families — in whatever form — are also loving, happy, and perfectly natural, they’ll respond that way too. Kids pick up just as much from your nonverbal signals as the actual words you use.
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Great post! I have a 12-yr. old son who recently watched a suggestive gay scene on Downton Abbey (of all places!) with me. The characters reacted in various ways, which was a perfect opening for me to discuss with him that some men are attracted to each other; it’s ok; and the fact that some people aren’t ok with it and will treat gay men unfairly because of it. He immediately chimed in that discriminating against gay people is akin to discriminating by color. Made me proud that he picked up on that!
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Great post! I have seven children and I have always talked openly with them about the gay community. I wanted to make sure if any of them ever felt different that they knew there was nothing wrong with them and that they could talk to me about anything. Some people are so up tight though. There are so many different normals it’s important for my kids to know they don’t have to fall into the stereotypical normal just to fit in.
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Hi Jerry
I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I have a 6 year old daughter who at the dinner table last night asked whether Girls could Marry Girls, and thanks to your blog post I knew exactly how to handle it. I was able to confidently spread your message of loving who you love regardless of their sex. Such a shame that in Australia, same sex marriage is still illegal. Thanks again
When we first introduced my stepkids to a couple of my gay friends, my boyfriend was a little worried about how to explain it. I told him not to worry and that I could handle it. We got to their house and hung out for a while, then at one point one of my friends gave the other e kiss on the cheek. The oldest asked my why they were kissing like that, they were two boys. I simply said that they were “amoureux” which translates to people in love. It’s a word that I have yet to find an equivalent to in english, it’s more than a couple, it’s two people in romantic love.
When I told him that, he repeated theat it was two boys. I told him that “amoureux” can be any type of people, sometimes it’s two boys, sometimes a boy and a girl, and sometimes two girls, and that what is important is that they found eachother and make eachother happy. He walked up to my one friend and said “Do you make eachother happy like my dad and Damsel?”. my firend said yes. He just said “Ok” and then walked away. Later that evening I heard him explaining it to his brother, and all hea said was “they love eachother, they’re “amoureux”.”
The important thing I feel, is to remember that kids don’t have preconcieved ideas and barriers like adults. If you tell them a positive message right off the bat, that is what they’ll remember.
PS. The kids love going to visit my firends, and we have a great time all together