Last month, my husband had a vasectomy. Yes, indeed he did. He has plans to shoot blanks from here on out. And I’m totally okay with it. Really, I am. While I was sitting in the waiting room for his “surgery” (i.e. small, outpatient procedure that I have been begging him to get for a year) I went through a big enough range of emotions to possibly warrant a trip to the mental hospital. You know, because OMG! NO MORE NEWBORN SNUGGLES and all that. Believe me when I tell you I’m so done pushing humans out of my body. But, you know, I’m also a sentimental woman who loves babies so . . . thoughts. I have them.
1. FINALLY! Could he have been any slower to make this Goddamn appointment? I’ve been asking him to call the doctor since, you know, I gave birth last January! How many times do I have to ask him to make the appointment? I mean, I didn’t really ever want to go to my prenatal appointments but I sucked it up and went. And then I didn’t want to push a baby out of my vagina, but you know, I kinda sorta had to do that too. How hard is it to pick up the phone? It was probably because he was scared that something would go wrong or his penis or balls would accidentally be cut off or something. Wait a sec, that’s not what they do is it? ::quickly googles vasectomy while cursing hospital wifi::
2. No more birth control pills! Hallelujah! Amen! And the angels sing! No more remembering to take that little pill every night. I’m almost positive the hormonal birth control I took for so many years contributed to me being an insane person. And acne. And weight gain. And a megabitch. And low libido. And a whole host of other things that I will.not.miss.at.all. I’m tossing those suckers tonight.
3. Is he really gonna complain to me about how much his junk hurts? I pushed three babies out of me. I had stiches down there, not one. Not two. But THREE times. In the exact same place. Without meds. The first time I gave birth I had to sit on one of those donut intertube thingies for two weeks before I could sit without freaking pain. And let’s not even discuss what happened in the bathroom a week after taking stool softeners. Not to mention my bladder will never, ever be the same. Screw kegels. I’m definitely gonna need one of those sling surgeries when I’m fifty. So no. I don’t want to hear about how painful it is. Just shut it and be thankful that you can laugh or run without pissing yourself.
4. No more phantom baby kicks! You know when you think you feel a baby kicking inside of you even though you’re no longer pregnant? Suddenly you think you might be one of those women who give birth on the toilet because they had no idea they were pregnant. Or you feel sick in the morning and think, ohhhh %$#*, could I be . . . I think the phantom kicks are now probably in the past.
5. But wait! What if it doesn’t take and I get pregnant again anyway? Wait a second. What if it doesn’t take? What’s the guarantee on vasectomies? I wonder if I could ask the snip-snip doctor or if he would look at me like I was crazy? I told some friends and every single one of them had a “vasectomy baby was born anyway” story for me. As if I want to hear that. I think it’s 99.9% guaranteed. Or maybe it was 89%? Crapppp.
6. I wonder what a fourth baby would have been like? Would it have been a boy or girl? What would his/her name be? Coming up with baby names is so much fun. And I’ll miss getting to park in the pregnant parking spot at the grocery store. That was the best. I hate it when there’s no close parking at the store. I wonder what color eyes they would have had. Hmmmm, maybe just one more. Yes, ONE MORE! I wonder where this procedure is taking place? Maybe I could ask the receptionist to let me back into the room and I could stop them just in time! Boom! Fourth baby! It’s not too late. Long live the sperm!
7. Oh man, do we have any packages of frozen peas and Advil? I wonder just how painful this really is? Will he need a wheelchair? Can he make it up the stairs? I really should have done more research on this. I think we have a package of frozen peas in the freezer. I know I bought some a few months ago thinking I would somehow get the kids to eat them. Then I surely came to my senses and they are stuffed down in the back behind the ice cream sandwiches. Great, now I’m hungry.
8. No, no, no. Our family is complete. I mean, I think it is? Yes, yes, it is. He’s already been back there awhile so I’m sure it’s already done. I’m good. I feel at peace about our family. We have three beautiful children. Gosh, they are the best. They all sleep through the night too. I can’t go through the sleepless nights again. Three is more than enough kids. I had to buy a minivan for God’s sake! I’m not a Duggar. So yes, we’re definitely done. For sure. Sleepless nights. Sleepless nights. But having babies was the best thing we’ve ever done together. The sleepless nights weren’t really so bad, were they?
9. Yes, they were. Yes, they were. Yes, they were.
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