I Don’t Like Being A Mother

1,131 Comments

I Don't Like Being A Mother

I read posts all the time – on this site as well as others – about how tough motherhood is.

Posts about how it’s the hardest job in the world, that it’s thankless, that it’s exhausting, etc. As it is.

But they all seem to begin or end with the same little caveat: That the author wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. That she loves her children to the moon and back despite the hell that they put her through. That motherhood, even with its many flaws, is still the best experience of her life. That she wouldn’t change a damn thing if she could.

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But, here’s the thing I’ve never admitted out loud before… I would. I would change it all. Because, in my heart of hearts, I don’t like being a mother.

I love my children, I do, and I write these words anonymously so they never find out the horrible feelings I feel. But I have to get them off of my chest somehow; the burden has become too much to bear. Ever since becoming a mother 12 years ago, and every day since, I haven’t been able to escape the sinking feeling that I shouldn’t be one.

It’s not the trivial things that people complain about like peeing with an audience or having to drive to endless lacrosse games. It’s the fact that I truly liked my life better before I was a parent. I liked who I was better, and I spend an inordinate amount of time dreaming of those days.

I take good care of my children and they have an adoring father, grandparents and aunts and uncles. They are well adjusted, happy human beings. They are fine It’s me who’s the problem. Me who feels like I’m playing a role I wasn’t meant to play every single day of my life. Me who must be missing some chain of DNA that all mothers are supposed to possess.

I’m not sure what I want from putting this out there.

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I’m sure I’ll be called a bad parent and people will suggest I just leave home; that my kids would be better off without me. But I won’t, because I don’t think I can ever truly be happy again, whether I’m at home with two kids or living on my own somewhere far away. Guilt would consume me either way, so I may as well be the only one to suffer and not bring the whole family down with me.

And there’s always nighttime, when the kids are soundly sleeping and I can dream of the days before motherhood; the days that should have lasted forever.

Comments

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      • Unhappy Mom says

        I did not want to be a mom. My family and husband pressured me into it. I had 1 son and enjoyed him quite a lot when he was young. But then he grew up to be a lazy good for nothing bum and a slob. Every time he calls or knocks on the door I cringe. He is 29 and if I never see him again I have to say I would get over it very quickly. I am planning on moving to another state and will probably not give him my new address. I have given him ample opportunities to improve his life (college, trade school, jobs, money, military) but he has thrown it all away. He just wants to be a bum. It is very depressing for me. If I could go back in time I would not have children.
        I think I would have been better off giving him up for adoption as a baby.
        I had a rough childhood and thought I could do better — I guess I was wrong. Now I know what people mean when they say you should not be your child’s friend. Maybe you are better off if you don’t really like your children. Maybe they will strive to get away and be on their own that way.

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    • Anonymous says

      Being pregnant now at 43 with my first child, I completely understand this woman’s feeling and also respect her honesty and opening the door for other’s of us to be honest.
      No. Motherhood is not for everyone. Sometimes, it is a strange oddity you wind up in finally after one’s life has been taking care of your parents (like mine has) and finding that once they pass (like my mother just did in February) – where do you go from here? My anguish and grieving the loss of a mother who had me at 40 btw, and who was someone who made it clear to me she lost her dreams after I was born and then turned inward my whole life while I tried to make her happy, really sucked. As a result I never found the ability to find happiness for me. The times I tasted it and it was taken away, I felt a complete failure. And now here I am with a little alien-wonder growing inside of me. Did I really ever want kids? Only because I thought it was progression of time and it is “what comes next” I am part of a generation that was caught between a rock and really messed up place of not being nurtured to find me and concentrate on my happiness. I only pray that I do not make the mistakes psychologically my mother did. Do I look forward to the special moments with my child? Yes. Do I look forward to the times that are draining and reminding me I haven’t achieved in my life what I want yet? No. Do I look forward to trying to figure out how to completely be a working , strong and independent woman and show my child what my mother tried, but failed over and over again at? No. Again I admire this woman for opening a taboo conversation. I also hope I find support groups that help me find me through the process and learn what it is to be accomplished at more than changing a diaper, breast feeding, and teaching my child to use the toilet. If I have a boy, yea! the world is kinder to men and I know how to raise a gentleman. If it is a girl- dear god help me have a relationship where she feels strong and respects me and I give her something to admire. Amen.

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      • says

        You are better off & your child will be, too, b/c you’re aware of the perils and what you do and don’t want for your child. It won’t be easy, but the caring in your voice shows you’ll do a good job. Although I didn’t want to be a mother at first (still undecided), there ARE good moments. I hope you have a boy too. I have one of each & boys are so much easier.

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      • anonymous 2 says

        I feel exactly the same way minus the pregnancy. And I’m not sure I want to. Wish I could talk to you about your feelings and get advice. If you read this and message back that would be great.

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    • Kerri says

      I thought I was the only one too. How unbelievably relatable this post was. I’ve felt that way for several years, ever since my husband moved out and I was left with three close in age boys, ages 3, 4, &6. I hear story after story of single moms doing it all, going to school, working two jobs, all while being supermom and I know that isn’t (and never will be) me. I’m also severely depressed and even though im bring treated there are still some days where all I can do is chain smoke and nap the entire day. I love my children so much and I take good care of them, I care about their general welfare but I clearly am not cut out to raise kids.

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      • Ashely says

        Same here! I also have 3. My last one, I honestly did not want, and I only had her because my husband wanted another one. I was on birth control, but she got through anyway. She’s honestly a horrible baby. She never sleeps (she’s almost 2), and she cries CONSTANTLY even though there is NOTHING wrong with her. We’ve taken her in and the pediatrician she’s perfectly fine (2 different opinions). I hate being a mom and wish I could take it back every day of my life….

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          • honu says

            I feel the exact same way. My first and only child is 6 months old and this is f’n hell!!!!! I hate it sooooo much!!!! He was colicky and all the hell he would do is scream all flippin’ day and now he’s teething. He whines all the feakin’ time and NEVER EVER SHUTS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            Since having him our marriage has been falling apart, and my husband is a paranoid helicopter parent, who is shoved up his butt!

            And if you DARE to be honest about what it’s really like, you get burned at the stake!

            I regret this sooooo deeply! Every day of my life. This is soooooooo miserable! It’s unbearable!

            I’ve been so traumatized by this experience, I AM NEVER HAVING ANOTHER! AND I MEAN IT!

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          • momO'2 says

            The thing I’ve hated most about motherhood is feeling like you’re supposed to like it. I can imagine there are times when you feel positively about your child, but they’re overshadowed by all the stress, anger and loss of your own life, and most of all by the fact that you’re not allowed to be honest. I’m glad you posted.

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        • brittney says

          Your child is two, Im not sure any mother has enjoyed the infamous terrible twos. I used to feel this way, up until my daughter turned five, Maybe my life is different, who doesn’t miss their freedom before motherhood? youd be crazy not to. But that life is over, it only brings sadness to think of the past and dwell over it, no matter what youre missing, this acceptance has made it easier to live in the now and has made me actually enjoy the moments of beauty i have with my children. It’s useless wondering if you were or werent meant to be a mother. You are now. Life throws shit at you all the time. All you can do is have serenity. Accept what you cant change and change what you can.Your attitude on dwelling in the past is probably a habit for you. Im assuming in relationships you were always euphoric at the beginning, but as the relationship started to change (as they always do) and your partner began to calm down and it became somewhat boring, you became miserable over clinging to the past. Thats not healthy, and theres no progress in it.

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          • Whitney says

            I agree with 2s completely, my youngest just turned 1 and I couldnt imagine my life without her, and my first child who is gonna be 3 in July is my nightmare… I hate everyday with her almost because every happy moment is turned into a horrible one because she is so awful and mean to her baby sister, I LOVED my first daughter to the end of the universe until the baby was born when she was 20 months old… then she hit terrible 2s, I know shes jealous and I TRY as hard as I can to be there equally for both but the oldest is STILL terrible, she cries over everything and throws fits and argues over EVERYTHING Im just tired of fighting EVERY DAY! Im not myself anymore.. I dont feel like a good mother.. I do to littler one because she is SO GOOD and easy I feel like I miss ALL of little ones milstones because im constantly stressing over older one…

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      • Jessica says

        I feel exactly the same and I too thought I was the only mom out there who feels like I should have never had a kid, and here I am with three. I’m depressed, miserable, in a terrible relationship…I feel stuck and I know that if I didn’t have kids with this man I would have left hun a long time ago and would be a lot happier… I do love my kids and if anything ever happened to them I’d die. They are happy and very well taken care of… I’m the miserable one here. And I just keep doing the mom thing only because it’s what is expected of me, not because I really want to… I do it because I have to. Because my kids didn’t choose to be born, I had them and I will do the right thing by them because that’s what I’m supposed to do… I just keep wishing I would get out of this depression and be my old happy self, it just hasn’t happened yet and I’m not too sure it ever will… it’s good to know that I’m not alone in this and that I’m not the only one who seriously feels this way…

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        • kirsty says

          I decide to google how i felt and was shocked to see that im not the only one with these feelings. i was in an abusive relationship for years and lost my two older children to my mother ( these two wernt my abusive patners), this made me feel like i failed. Then i met someone who made me feel alive n able to cope with the three remaing children ii had left and gave me the strenghth to leave my abusive partner. he rescued at my lowest and helped me move to another house and rebulid my life. He made it okay to be me(as crazy as i sumtimes can be). He was brilliant with my children, doing things there natural father had never done as he had been hooked on drugs and allcholl. I loved my new boyfriend and my life and could cope with being a parent to 3 young children (5,4 and 2 years). But it then got too much too soon for a yound lad ( jst 25 years) to take on, so he left. i have eventually got back with me ex as he is no longer allchol or dug dependant and to be honest is bk to being the loving man he was at the start of our relationship. I took back though cos i hate being on my own with these kids. Its not that i dont love them or care forthem its jst this not the life i want. Now we are all playing happy famillies, only im the only one who seems unhappy, everyday i feel like a part of me is dying and i just want to break free. I carnt speak to anyone i know cos they would think i was a disgrace, which i guess i am. I just want the life with the boyfriend i lost, who made me feel valued and that i counted. I want to be happy but then know that if i left that is a selfish act, so i stay, constantly cry n wish i could do my life over.

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      • JessH says

        You’d be surprised how intensely, commonly normal this is. All the folks commenting that they never felt this way very likely just haven’t gotten there yet and, unfortunately, they’ll probably understand how you feel someday. It seems to me like every mommy I talk to feels this way deep down at some point and I know some truly stellar should-win-mommy-of-the-year-awards mommies who really love their kids and still feel that way. It’s like almost every mommy wants to give up and every mommy fantasizes about going back and every mommy is deep down trying really hard not to think too much about walking out. If they say they never got there either:
        1) their kiddo is brand new and they haven’t hit the terrible twos,
        2) they’ve only had one or two kids, lots of support around them, and never hit post-partum depression,
        3) they’re done raising kids and forgot what it was like,
        4) they’re lying because they don’t want to admit how they feel,
        5) they never had kids, or
        6) (this one is especially understandable) they are mourning the loss of one of their beauties – in which case aggressively celebrating motherhood is a perfectly beautiful reaction and probably exactly what they should be doing (even if it makes all the rest of us feel bad).
        Really, number 6 is making me think that the loss of something often makes us the most thankful for its existence. Maybe if all the rest of us burnt out mommies could learn from that and just encourage each other into holding onto that. For me, the biggest encouragement often comes from articles like this one. They remind you that being a mommy is just that hard and it’s okay to admit it.

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    • k. says

      There are a lot of women that never wanted to be a mother! It doesn’t mean a woman is a bad mother just because she didn’t get baby hungry and little baby shoes still make her get gooey eyed.

      I was in that place, I loved who I was, and then found out I was pregnant. That baby sucked my whole life and identity away. Other mothers made me feel horrible when I mourned my life before, as I tried to find joy in my new found prison of being a mother.
      It wasn’t easy to admit I had a right to my own life outside of being a mother, but my husband is a wonderful man. He could see I needed more then just being mom. We have worked it out over the years, we share the time with child caring so that it is not all on my shoulders and I still am allowed to pursue my dreams.
      What do my kids think about this? My 4 daughters aims are high for they don’t see a limit on what they can do. My oldest is in medical school, next one down is pursuing engineering, and so on…all the way to my littlest one that excels in math and science just like her big sisters. I am still mom that never did change, I am the one they still run too.
      To this mother I say, no one ever said you have to give up your life to be a mother, your children will be better off to have a strong mother who didn’t give up on her dreams, then a sad mother who is sacrificing her life because she thinks that is what a mom is.
      -Just a warning- mother-in-laws are really good for a good guilt trip about making her perfect son watch the kids.

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      • whatsreal says

        It seems to me you have fallen into the trap of believing you are better than other people. You are not “more than a mom”. Women who stay home full time are not “just moms”. We all choose these roles, and how completely or deeply to fulfill them, for ourselves. If you wanted to work outside the home *in addition* to being a mom, that is awesome!
        Funnily enough, I always assumed I would do additional work as well. But life turned out differently. I desperately wanted to stay with my kids fulltime. It shocked the hell out of me! I viewed motherhood as my new proffession and dove into it (do *not* get the June Cleaver impression… quite the opposite!). I did that, because that is what I wanted to do. (Or choose never to be a mom at all if that is your preference, of course)
        My husband is not less of a “dad” because he works outside the home. He is fanatastic. He always has his father hat on. If one of our kids needed him, he’d be there in an instant (well, okay, an hour) and that is awesome. But he did not parent at the same level I did. He is just as important. We just do different roles.
        So when you say “That baby sucked my whole life and identity away.” I hope you realize that that baby did nothing of the sort. You did that. And then you changed it for the better. Major kudos to you! But be careful you don’t leave the impression that you believe you are better (“more”) than women who make different choices. We must all do that which is right for us. That is definitely what is right for the kids, too.

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      • Vc says

        To K.: I am not sure when your comment was written but I admire what you say!I am a mom of a 5 month little girl and I suspect that I don’t like motherhood because I have the same feelings like the author of the article.But I would love to have the attitude you describe!I want to pursue my dreams and have my life too and also be a mom.I would so much like to find the strenth to do what you did, instead of feeling miserable and guilty about how I feel.How did you do it?How CAN you do it when a little human being is so dependent on you all the time?

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      • R says

        You seem to think the life OP is mourning is one of aspirations and accomplishments. No, I can’t be a mom and still have the life I want because the life I want is the one I had, where I could sit around and watch TV all day. Where I never had to change a dirty diaper or hear a toddler burst into tears because I shut the bathroom door or said “just a minute.” Where no one climbed all over me like a jungle gym and then laughed as they punched me in the face. Where I didn’t have to worry about routines or balanced meals or teaching anyone the alphabet or how to count. I want my old life back because I don’t like being responsible for raising another human being to adulthood.

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        • TJ says

          I don’t have kids yet but at the age of 34, I need to make a decision. You summed up my ambivalence. I’m not sure I would like the responsibility of having to raise a human being. When I tell people, they gasp. Why can’t people be accepting of a woman that may think motherhood isn’t for her?

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      • miss missy says

        This is wonderful but a lot of us aren’t so blessed in the husband department. I think I would truly enjoy motherhood if I had a husband who would give me some time for myself once in awhile, but my little girl is three and he has only stayed with her twice in that entire amount of time. Because of that, she won’t stay with sitters without crying the entire time because she’s so used to just being with me. I think anytime a woman becomes overwhelmed they will start to resent their children; everyone has their limit. I wish we all had the support system we needed around us so we could all enjoy being moms while taking breaks when we need them so we don’t feel like we’re drowning.

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    • Ebie says

      I can totally relate! I’m often heard saying, “I suck at this mom thing!” Thanks for being brave and sharing your feelings. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

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    • Misty says

      And that, my fellow scary mommies is why the author chose to remain anonymous.

      I’m calling crap on this lady. You have zero idea of what the author does or at least did do prior to children. Hell for all you know this woman (while highly unlikely) could have been on the verge of curing cancer before a screaming infant with a disgusting diaper pulled her away. That, would have been far more important then raising a child. Maybe she worked as a guidance counselor for troubles youth, putting them on a different path. Saving 100’s of lives or raising 1 child?

      Its the mindset of “this is the most important job ever” or “you never get this time back” is what causes this stigma for mothers. Guess what folks, the crack head 3 doors down can raise a kid. Sure it’s important to teach your child, but guess what? Its honestly not the most important job ever, its not the end all be all of your life. And its sure as hell not what I want my identity to be.

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      • Jennifer says

        I love your response, Misty. Thank you for sharing it. I was really sad to read Melissa’s note and wished the author would not see it because it blames her for her feelings, tells her she is wrong and would likely make her feel worse than she already does. This is not productive, fair or nice. I applaud her for the strength it took to come to terms with her feelings, write them down and – mostly – to share them. You, anonymous writer, are very brave. I 100% disagree about the statement that she is being selfish. No, she is being honest. Depression can be debilitating and as someone who deals with it myself, as well as being a single mom who has to “do it all,” by circumstance, I often find it a huge, huge sacrifice just to make it through the day, let alone doing it with a smile and routine that will not land my son on the metaphorical psychiatric couch 5 or 10 years from now. All I can offer is solidarity and a note to say, you are not alone.

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        • Anonymous says

          I really appreciated this article, and your comment. We just adopted my 4 year old nephew, and he is our only child. My husband and I are both in our 40’s, and chose not to have children. We loved our life together. Now we are dealing with a 4 year old with some pretty real issues around attachment and FASD. I love him, and am committed to doing whatever is best for him. I don’t enjoy being a mother. I never wanted to be a mother. I thought I was abnormal in this aspect. I appreciate knowing that there are others out there who feel the same, and yet remain committed to doing right by their kids. Funny what the one commentator said about the writer being selfish. To me, giving up what one wants for the sake of another is the definition of selflessness.

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      • Cyclebreaker says

        I appreciate your well spoken thoughts. So true. So much of being a parent is just setting a good example. I think parenting skills are often seriously hampered by a lack of resources, emotionally, financially and in almost every other way imaginable.I see it as an investment in the future however: being able to be a great parent without a good foundation/example, or the proper tools, makes a tough job even more challenging. I really do love being a mom when I am able to care for their needs without neglecting my own. Unfortunately that never happens and many of us are left feeling “trapped.”

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    • Anne says

      ….When my friend told me she was going to have kids soon she added “… you should think of it too because you know you don’t want to be alone in your old age”… I thought to myself of how selfish SHE was. However, it was not only her that has said this as I hear people all the time who decide to have kids for this reason that is; to have kids to make sure that their lives are fulfilled etc…. Whatever the reason is to either have kids or not to have kids its always a selfish one. I have decided to put off having children as I cannot afford it. I came from a home of extreme, I mean EXTREME poverty. While most of the girls I played with in my neighbourhood growing up began having children at 16 I was thinking of how I could become a professional and escape this cycle. I saw my mother depending on a man that beat her physically and emotionally. I see these women now 10 years later and they are poor, on welfare, some of them no longer have those men to support them, most uneducated unable to take on a well paying job… as for my mother well she was eventually murdered by my father… I would love to have kids for many reasons for one I would love to be able to raise well rounded individuals who are healthy both physically and emotionally who can grow up to contribute positively to the human race. But I cannot… at least not now and sadly maybe I will never be able to. As I came from poverty and decided to go to school I have debts that are so enormous I do not know if I will be able to be financially stable on time to have kids. Am I selfish ? in certain ways yes, but I am also thinking of my future kids, I do not want them growing up with hardly any food in the cupboard and wearing three pairs of socks instead of winter boots, I will not depend on a man to support me as my mother did and live under his control… love does not always find a way. Please, lets stop judging others. Motherhood is difficult enough as it is … there is nothing wrong with what this woman is admitting to… it is what many women are afraid to admit in our world that still thinks the un-evolved thought that being a woman equates being a mother. Being a parent is not for everyone and I wish more people realized that.

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      • K. says

        I would have been a good mother. I chose not to have children because the Earth’s got too many humans as it is and though I’m not desperately poor, I’m far from rich. My husband has been unemployed for nearly three years and he and I are moving in with my parents because even with my full time job, I can’t support two people in a studio apartment in the suburb where I live and work, so there’s no way I’d bring a child into the equation.

        I think it’s very brave to admit you believe made a mistake by having children. It’s a lot braver than joking about how awful your children are or worse, saying “it’s different when it’s your own” when you plainly know that to be a lie, and you’re only trying to sell parenting because misery loves company. Another pet peeve is those who pretend there is transcendental glory in changing diapers, watching endless re-runs of Yo Gabba Gabba, and cleaning up vomit. I wasn’t born yesterday and I didn’t forget my babysitting years.

        There’s something to be said for making the best out of a bad situation and I hope all of the unhappy mothers here manage to do that. Not for the kids but for yourselves.

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    • mlcanes says

      I am with you. I love my children dearly but I absolutely hate being a mother. I dream of the days where they are in school and I can get a piece of my life back. Its like a jail sentence, like domestic slavery. You are not alone.

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      • rach says

        i feel the exact same as you do. I love my little girl to bits but I can’t wait for her to be in full time education. I work three days a week and get one day to myself while she is still in nursery. If she is sick or a get a phone call to go pick her up I feel cheated out of my day. Everyone keeps asking when number two is coming along and my response is never. I’m on the cusp of getting me back and I really couldn’t give that up for anyone. I feel a relief to know I am not on my own

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      • Honu says

        Wow…. EXACTLY how I feel! I feel like I’m being punished! There are no words strong enough to express how much I hate this.

        I had big huge dreams too. Dreams I had wanted since I was 4 years old and I’ll be 32 this year. Part of why I even got married was because I couldn’t take care of myself, because my adrenal glands are shot. I am sooooo exhausted! On top of everything I’ve been battling a nasty life-threatening infection and lost 70 pounds in 6 months and still losing weight. If I lose much more I will be underweight. I almost died giving birth and I really, really REALLY WISH I HAD! My life has been such a mess since this baby was born. I just want to go home to be with the Lord. I’ve never felt this hopeless and miserable in my entire life! It makes me feel like God hates me. He’ll let me suffer, but He’s not kind enough to let me die. I’m too exhausted to even take care of myself, and to have that screaming mouth in there that never shuts up!!!!!

        I’m afraid I’m going to regret getting pregnant for the rest of my life! I’m so afraid this will never get better.

        I don’t even like him. I do what I need to take care of him, and make sure his needs are met, BUT I FREAKIN’ HATE his personality!!!!!!!!!! He’s whinier than any girl I’ve ever seen. He’s always fussing, whining, crying, screaming! You can’t make him happy, and you sure as hell can’t keep him happy!

        And the sound of his shrill little voice makes me angry, and I can’t help it. I hate it that I feel this way, but you can’t help how you feel. On top of it, I have NO ONE to talk to that it’s safe to be honest with, so I’m glad I finally found a place where I can vent. Venting helps. It helps to know there ARE other women out there who feel the same way and you’re not some freak!

        Thank you and Kudos to the ladies here who dare to be honest about how they REALLY feel!

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        • Me says

          Honu, I totally understand how you feel. Hang in there. It does get easier. I still sometimes have a hard time smiling and being patient because there is ALWAYS some drama to deal with. I have a boy and girl a couple years apart. But, then there are times as a family that I really enjoy and feel like this is it. This is what it’s all about. I think the lows might happen more often than the highs, but I have to say that becoming a mother has changed me for the better. I would never want to return to the person I was before…shallow, jealous, insecure, and just generally not well-rounded inside. Kids have made me look at myself in ways I never could before. I know the areas that need improvement and my awareness of them has made it easier to see. I still mess up and just wish I could feel differently, but this is my test. This is my journey toward becoming the best person I can be. If only for that, it’s worth it. In this day and age, we women are more driven and more focused on ourselves than we ever were before. I think it’s our expectations of what our lives COULD and SHOULD be that gets us into trouble. Staying present through the drama as it unfolds without fighting it internally helps tremendously. It is easier said than done. Again, hang in there, you’ll realize someday that if you look deeply enough, there is gold to be found in this experience.

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    • r says

      I loved raising my 3 sons. I loved being pregnant. I know I caused them a hard life now they are grown life should be easier. Regardless if I had to repeat my life never would of had kids

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    • apryl says

      …I feel I never truly got to know myself before having my children. I did like myself more then and feel now I will never truly know all of her- that opportunity has past. Now I struggle with being the me I do not fully know- a stranger- and me the mother – another stranger. ..

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    • Ebk says

      I am totally with you. My life was great pre kids. I always tell young women dreaming of kids “if you like your life at all and need more than 1 hour a day for yourself including your job, don’t have kids”. I wish I had consciously decided to have kids. I allowed “fate to happen”. That’s crap and now we are stuck forever. I get it. Hang in there, you are not alone. And – thank you for being brave enough to to say it.

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    • sheena says

      This is heartbreaking. ..I can relate to this in every way. …my boys are 5 &4. ..or ended my marriage ten months ago. …and it’s only now I’m realising it’s still the fact I’m a mummy and don’t want to be. …I never wanted kids in the first place…or get married. .kinda biological clock ticking let’s give it a go. …might save the relationship. ….fell quickly at age 37 ….then why do it again at 39. ..
      The boys love each other but I find it hard work and not rewarding..especially the youngest. ..I too want my life back the way it was….I’m not interested in children…playing games…homework etc etc….I’m hate this job…can’t call in sick….can’t give it up..I’m feel trapped. I love my boys but obviously not enough. I don’t miss them when I’m not with them. …I’m he health issues. ..and at moment writing from hospital bed….but yeah I’m not missing them at all. ….
      Their father loves them to bits and is brilliant with them. ….We share the parenting but I really just want to hand the reins over to him. ….I feel they would be better off without me. ….

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      • Ps says

        I want to say that I feel the same way completely the same way as the author. I would rather just stop now and hope the kids realize why I let their dad Take the reins as i will ruin more days if I don’t leave now.

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    • julia says

      I thought I was the only one who felt this way.. thank you for sharing this it makes me realize I am not the only who goes through this pain… but honey me and you we are strong women because even though we know that our roles in life weren’t those of.becoming mothers we still love and care for.our children .. we will just suffer in silence

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    • Nellie says

      You describe it perfectly. Suffer in silence because the guilt will consume us. Its true! I would never do this to myself again. I despise all of the social aspects involved as well, which just make this experience more depressing and so incredibly lonely.

      Are there any support groups for this? Im sure they would be a challenge to find.

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    • Relieved says

      You are not alone. I never wanted kids, but my fiancée wanted one. We now have a beautiful daughter that will be 1 next month. I love her, I really do, but I still feel as though I am not meant to be a mother. I also think of all the things I can’t do, sleeping when I want to, among them. It makes me sad. No more just getting away because there is always the issue of finding a babysitter. It is very frustrating. I am glad I am not alone in this feeling.

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    • K says

      wow this is me I could have beyond wrote this to the tee. My oldest even just turned 13. I never wanted to be a mom I was the girl who didn’t ogle over babies. And then bam I had my oldest with the wrong guy as a uh ohh I’m pregnant baby. Met my current husband when he was 2 1/2 and have been with him ever since. 4 years ago he pushed the subject more of wanting more children I caved and agreed to one more and now have my 2 year old. Don’t get me wrong I do everything for my kids but no I don’t enjoy it. I feel like I am in the wrong life. I have constant feelings of how did I get here. Thank you so much for this you don’t know how much this makes me feel like I am not alone. I feel surrounded by people who are just so happy as parents and I just can’t get there and it has always made me feel like there is something missing in me. It is reassuring to know I am not alone.

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    • libragrrl_9 says

      If motherhood didn’t devastate my hormones and bring about postpartum depression/psychosis, I would frigging love it. Sleep deprivation is the perfect storm for mental illness, too. My baby is high needs, and I feel guilty when I have burnout or psychotic episodes that impair my ability to meet her perpetual needs. She’s gorgeous and sweet, but I am trying not to drown in suicidal ideation, loneliness and depression. This is so hard that sometimes I regret my ENTIRE LIFE! I wish I was the neurotypical, mentally healthy mom my baby deserves. I’m evolutionarily unfit for motherhood, and I didn’t find out until the cord was cut and it was too late.

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  1. Melissa says

    I admire your strength, courage and honesty. Motherhood isn’t for everyone. Despite that, you love your children and are caring for them the best you can. I’m thinking good thoughts for you.

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    • Jaden says

      Totally 100% agree with this comment, I was having the same thoughts… I’m hoping for this author that she finds some kind of peace and that someday, when her well-adjusted kids grow up (because she did her best despite how she felt about being a Mom) she can let go of the guilt of today and be proud of how she stuck around and did the right thing. And also hoping that when that day comes that her children are grown, she is able to reclaim a bit of that freedom and happiness of her youth. <3 hugs to you, Mama.

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      • Rachel says

        I agree with both of you, and Jaden, I could not have said it better. This article is heart wrenching for so many reasons, and hopefully the author can one day find some of the inner peace that she so obviously deserves.
        Hats off to the author for being willing to say what a lot of women actually feel, but are made to think is abnormal.

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      • Nicky says

        I admire your honesty and I completely understand what you are feeling. I am relieved that I am not the only one who feels like this. I love my kids more than anything but I always wonder if I was really ready. I feel like I am two people, a monotone auto pilot mother at home just meeting their needs and then when I am out in public I have to pretend to be happy and playful and interested in other people and their children when all I want to do is go have a nap. It’s a struggle, but there are those glimpses of love and silliness that help make it bearable. Not having help, family, friends, support, being depressed, having severe anxiety, etc. all contribute to me feeling this way I am sure but I take it day by day and try to make happy memories for them even if I am not.

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        • Destinee says

          Omg! Y’all said a mouthful then. I’m so glad I’m not alone. I look at moms who absolutely can’t live without their kids. As for me, I always feel like I would rather be doing something else.

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      • allieX says

        I think alot of the time these feeling come from feeling alone. Our husbands dont always offer the best support. We also lose so many close friends and connections once that baby arrives. I imagine many moms would feel so different if there was a good support group of other moms who did not judge.
        Sadly this isnt the case, we are meant to feel guilty about hating the early stages of parent hood. constant cleaning,isolation,loss of self,times that by living in a foreign country with no family and friends. I dont think many moms hate their kids, its the life after kids that we hate. The kids themselves are not to blame.

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    • Annie says

      I agree. Your honesty and courage are inspiring. I am really paying that you week find peace in your heart. I wish I could hug you and tell you how wonderful you are.

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    • Camellia says

      No. Please stop ‘wishing’ she would fall into line like you did. Not everyone is made to be a mother, and many times people feel this way and that’s okay. She loves her kids, and she’s raising those kids well, but you desiring her to give up her dreams of who she is, hell, to give up who she is, so she can become Perfect Mommy Dearest is kind of disgusting and arrogant. Stop trying to tell her that motherhood has to be joyful when it actually has deprived her of the joy in her life. You’re no better than these people who say women HAVE to be wives and mothers to matter.

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      • Desiree says

        She said she hopes the author finds joy in her role. Why wouldn’t you hope someone else would find joy? I think you read a little bit too much into that comment. The author of this article has chosen to stay and take care of her children despite being unhappy, to save them pain. Would you rather her unhappiness continue or would you rather she be able to find joy? If you’re offended by the idea the author seek counseling; we are hardwired to feel a certain way regarding our children, if the author doesn’t feel those things there is a very real probability that she may be suffering from some form of depression and not even realize it.

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        • R says

          Think of it like some other job. Someone has been studying to be a doctor, and they confess “I don’t think I’m cut out to be a doctor. I don’t like this work and I wish I could undo applying to medical school.” Would you tell them that you hope they learn to like being a doctor? Some people just aren’t suited for motherhood and hoping that they come to like it anyway is basically hoping that they completely shed their identity and sense of self and become someone else in order to have more socially acceptable feelings about motherhood.

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        • J.K. says

          True, it would be wise not to have any more but there are other factors to this that we may not be aware of. Maybe her SO talked her into giving him another baby. Maybe she did so because she felt that something was wrong with her and that she should “pretend” to be happy as not to be “a horrible person”. etc. Maybe she thought things would get better if she had another one…that her “instincts” would magically kick in, or that having a sibling her other child wouldn’t require her total focus 24/7 and she’d get a break. Who knows. Maybe her dislike of motherhood didn’t really come to full force until more than one little being was in her life.
          Sometimes we don’t realize what our limits are until we REACH them. How the heck is someone suppose to know in advance how many would be too much? You just DON’T know until you reach that threshold, and once there you never know how you’ll feel about it.

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          • Mel says

            I agree with J.K. That is probably exactly what happened. She felt “abnormal” for how she felt with the first one and assumed it would all “fall into place” with the second. I never wanted kids. I had cervical cancer at 20 years old and couldn’t find a doctor in 3 states that would just “take it all out” because I was so young and may change my mind. I married a man who wanted kids, I went into it with my eyes open and that was MY bad. I have 2 boys, 6 & 7, and they are amazing. I get compliments daily on their manners. I. Don’t. Enjoy. The. Day-to-day. I don’t. They are both in the gifted program at school. They are stupid smart. Funny as hell – I laugh on a daily basis because they are so clever. But you know what? I enjoy the HELL out of their weekends with their dad. The first few MONTHS of those weekends I spent crying while they were gone. Ef-ing HATED those weekends. Now? I get PISSED for a few seconds (no, minutes.) (Ok, sometimes HOURS) if their dad needs to switch them. I ADORE MY BOYS. But there are literally times the only thing that stops me from handing them over is the thought of HIM raising them. There. Said it. Is it the majority of moments? Not even close. But they happen. I really would have been happier not being a mom. I would have. Am I happy I have these guys? Dude… Happier than I have words for. I just wish sometimes that they been nephews and not my full-time kids. Sorry if that makes you mad. They are incredibly smart, popular, happy boys. Mostly because of me, not their shit-bag dad. And that’s not ego. And I’m happy to do it, because I put them in this life. Do I miss my old one? Yep. A lot. But that’s ok, too. Get over yourselves. You and your opinion aren’t the end-all, be-all,and neither is mine. So fucking judging because somebody has a different life than you. Bleh.

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    • jane says

      you don’t need counseling to know you don’t like something. I’m 5 weeks into motherhood, and I don’t like it. Whether I just don’t like this incredibly demanding and exhausting phase, or being a mother in general, only time will tell

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    • Anonymous says

      Laura….Clearly it’s not something that’s natural from within her so how would counseling help? Why does she need counseling just because she’s honest about a topic most people don’t have the balls to talk about? Maybe you need counseling. Hopefully you’re not one of those mothers that live their lives through their children and claim all that you are as a human being because you are a mother. Not everyone must feel complete utopia about being a mother. It’s perfectly natural. I guarantee there are a lot more people including men who liked their lives better before children. The fact that she’s still being a good role model and holding it together until the children are of age…makes her a good human being. As for her search in finding “joy”…. I hope you find that when you look in the mirror every day because to me….sounds like you are rather judgmental and closed minded.

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    • coldmomma says

      I went through feeling that way myself. After dropping my child off at daycare id dream of just driving until I ran out of gas. No one would notice till I was too far away and I could just start over. But I never did. Now i’m taking ssri’s and remember those feelings but no longer understand why or what made me feel so strongly. I dont know if the drugs are curing me or changing me but I know i’m happier with myself and currently enjoy my family. I’m not saying you need meds but I am saying if your unhappy with your life you owe it to yourself to explore your options.

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    • Anonymous says

      I feel the same way. I would never tell my mother she would just criticize me and make the situation worse. I wish I coul take it all back or I wish I never met my daughters father but it’s like a domino effect. I met my fiancé because of my daughter. That makes me feel guilty but I still don’t want her anymore. I yell at her everyday basically blaming her for me being miserable but I know it’s not her fault. I use to be so happy. Now I’m angry with the world. I just want to run away from everything and start over new.

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    • fushia fairy says

      I agree. I wanted to be a mom and it was hard at times. I can’t imagine doing it if you never wanted to or having more after realizing you don’t like being a mom. It is okay to not want to be a mom.

      I am so confused why any of these moms went on to have more children???????

      Glad she is getting support here and advice.

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      • Melissa says

        I, too, feel exactly the same way the author feels. I only have one daughter, but did marry a man who has full custody of his son. I never wanted more children, and I do take complete responsibility for adding another child to my life through marriage. And if I’m being perfectly honest, like another reader stated earlier, I am selfish. I am selfish for the life that I want, which is not the life I have. I was a young mom, again my doing not anyone else’s, and I long for a life where I have the freedom to be exactly who I want to be. I’m a good mom, my kids (both are 12) are smart and respectful, but I dont want to be a mom. We take amazing family vacations, sit down to dinner together every night, pray together and spend tons of time together. But I count the days til my kids go to college, truly believing that my life will be better then. When my husband and I go out, or hang out with friends, we rarely talk about our
        kids cause lets be honest….most of our life revolves around them. I too think that this topic is a huge faux pas and thats why women are so secretive about it. But the emotions are real…just as real as love and hurt. I dont hate my kids…I hate being a mom. If I could change that emotion…I would in a heartbeat. I dont want to hate being a mom. I just accept the fact that I do.

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      • R says

        Try being married to a man who wants a whole brood more than he wants to breathe oxygen and won’t stop asking until you give in. You’re already stuck being a mom either way, so why not give him what he wants? Then at least one parent will be happy.

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    • Sarah Jane says

      I think you have a lot of courage to say how you feel. Being able to express yourself is important. I, too, have questioned if I should have been a mother. What you said about having guilt consume you whether you are with your kids or by yourself – I understand that completely. I often wonder if I would have been happier on my own. But I know I would probably be just as depressed as I am now, and that the guilt would consume me as well. I hope one day I can find peace and happiness. I hope you do as well.

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    • LA la says

      I feel exactly the same way. You are not a bad mother. Some of us just realize it really was better before the bulls hit and thankless chores ravaged your days. It sucks. I would leave- but I love that little fucker for some reason– fuckin’ mother nature duped women! I hate my husband too- he is a fat and lazy emotionless asshole- and I could easily leave him. That’s a different forum! Stay strong.

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    • Hennie says

      Look, I understand what you’re feeling and at one time I would’ve agreed with you 100%. Although now I know better. The problem is not you yearning for your single days.
      I had an epiphany one night, while I was in a convenient store with my 3, 4 & 7 year old. Two ladies were in front of me, whispering to the cashier that I should have my kids in bed because it was after 8:30 pm.
      “Stop being the mom you think EVERYONE expects you to be,” I thought.
      I’m telling you, “anonymous mom,” to find the passion you had before your kids came along. What did you dream of becoming? Go back and do it! It’s never too late. Even if you have a dozen children, just do it.
      At least you have a support system to help you. I do not have a large support system, and I’m a single mom. Positives are, I’m working as a web search engine Specialist again-which I love- and taking pre-law prep classes. I’m also on my way to closing my first 6k real estate deal!
      If it’s becoming a dancer, writer, singer or whatever it is that you love, DO IT! Sacrifice, no matter how many of their lacrosse games you have to miss- DO IT!
      After school program options and college grants are a great help for me. You can’t do it all, but it’s better for your children to see you living your dreams, fearless and happy.
      Many moms think they have to be superhero mom constantly. God forbid you want to live your dreams too LOL.
      I take my kids to day care full time and even an after school program twice a week.
      I let them eat cold pizza and root beer floats for breakfast sometimes.
      I have fallen asleep with them and my school books, without dressing them in pajamas.
      I even have had my 7 year old up past 9 pm during my finals weekend. He and I bonded, while he helped me study.
      Now, when my kids are asleep, I no longer day dream, yearn or wish for single free days because it’s all real. It’s all worth it!

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      • Dorota says

        Hennie!
        Thank you! Ive saved your post and i will read it as often as i can.
        Im definitely too worried about what other people say and what expectations society has.
        Sod it all!
        I just started my healthy food blog and trying to do an accountancy course.
        It’s hard but i hope i’ll succeed.
        Thank you

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  2. says

    There are some things I relate to in this. Feeling this way does not mean you are a bad mom! Somedays I feel like I’m just playing a role that I don’t have the script for. I love my daughter and I’ll do anything for her, but when she’s asleep and I’m all alone, I feel sad as well.

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    • Scary Grandmother says

      I was a Mom who never liked being a Mom. Then I found myself a Grandmother and didn’t like that either. Now I am in my 60’s and a Great Grandmother and guess what…..he’s beautiful, but I don’t like being a Great Grandmother either. Well in some ways I do, but I have never in my entire life been that woman who gets all ooey gooey over babies. I don’t even like to hold them. I’ve spent my whole life thinking there was something wrong with me. Like most of you, I do love my kids, and I care very much about my Grandchildren. I just feel guilty that I don’t respond to them the way I think others think that I should. Finding this website has made me feel a little better at this late stage in my life. A little….not a lot. It’s hard not to worry about what your kids think of you.

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    • A Write Relief... (for PND) says

      I completely agree, Sharon… I too have felt perhaps I’m not “made” to be a mother, but also love my kids and don’t seem to reflect on the days before motherhood as much as this author. Society and the stigma attached to speaking openly about motherhood has a great deal to answer for. So very sad that mum’s out there (myself included at times) don’t feel they can truly speak about their feelings. Big hugs to this author. She is most certainly not alone. xx

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  3. Alissa says

    Oh shit you are not alone. At all. And despite how you feel about it, your kids would not be better off without you. Sorry, but if I am stuck with mine, you are stuck with yours too.

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