10 Reasons I Hated Breastfeeding

609 Comments

hated-breastfeeding

I hated breastfeeding. HATED IT.

I hated it from the moment my son first painfully latched on until the moment, 57 long days later, when I’d decided I’d had enough and switched to the bottle. I hated every second of every feeding of every day. What a way to waste the first two months of my son’s life.

Breastfeeding has somehow become some sort of qualification for being a good – or even decent – mother. Forgiveness is given to those moms who attempt to breastfeed, but are unable…but the rest of us? Those who choose to feed our offspring factory produced milk rather than providing our own? We’re villainized for it. At least it feels that way.

For me, motherhood only started being enjoyable once I stopped forcing something that, ironically, felt like the least natural thing in the world. Only then, did I start savoring the time rocking him to sleep, or appreciate the sound of his breathing, or study his thick eyelashes while he looked up at me.

Why did I hate it so much?

1. Breastfeeding consumed me. 24/7, it was pretty much all I thought about, all I planned for and all I did. How could it not be? I had to feed my son every two hours, each feeding took an hour, and by the time I was done, it was already almost time to feed him again.

2. I felt disgusting. I’d somehow though that gaining these porn star boobs would make me feel sexy and powerful. Instead, I felt like a cow. A leaky, stinky, weepy cow.

3. Holy God, it hurt! The feeling of having a tender part of me yanked on until it bleeds is not my idea of a good time. Sorry, Christian Grey.

4. My body was still not my own. By the ninth month of pregnancy, I longed to have my body back, and counted down the seconds until it once again was mine. But while I was breastfeeding, it still wasn’t my own. I was simply a flesh covered food delivery truck.

5. Pumping. No explanation needed.

6. Not knowing how much he was actually eating. My son ate around the clock, but I never actually know just how much he was eating. Did he get enough? Was I starving him? Was he sucking out nothing or milk? I had no clue.

7. My hormones went FUCKING CRAZY. It was like PMS on steroids.

8. I was on my own. I’m lucky to have a husband who wants to be as involved as possible, but as the sole milk factory, he couldn’t do all that much. My baby’s ability to thrive was 100% dependent on me. The pressure was just too much.

9. I was self conscious. More power to the women who whip out a tit everywhere and anywhere, but I wasn’t one of them. Which meant that the minute anyone came to visit, I dashed off to find privacy. Not the best thing for a lonely new mom.

10. The guilt. Every feeding made me feel like something was wrong with me: Why wasn’t I connecting with him? Why wasn’t I loving providing for him? What was wrong with me? It’s taken me a while to realize that I wasn’t a bad mother, I just didn’t excel at that one part of motherhood. Fortunately for him, and me, I do at others. My role as a mother wasn’t and isn’t defined by how I chose to feed my baby. Hardly.

And neither is yours.

Comments

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  1. 2

    Liz says

    This.. fits me three months ago so well you actually made me tear up. The judgements are the worst. My hubby and I got into an argument about it cause he claimed that he needed it for his immune system and such. I agree with that but formula is so advanced now the baby will be fine. Plus his mom with her mean comments saying she wasted mommy on a breast pump.. when she got the cheapest one..that kinda hurt my feelings. but i feel much better and enjoy motherhood like you said now that i can share the responsibility and I am not thinking constantly the next time i have to feed him, etc, etc. Thank you so much for posting this.

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  2. 3

    bombinabirdcage says

    Thank you. For unsaid reasons I absolutely freak out when my nipples are touched and I forced myself to breastfeed for a few weeks. I would weep every single feeding and I just couldn’t force myself to do it anymore.

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    • 5

      fearlessformulafeeder says

      Wow- that is a brave comment and I am so grateful to you for putting voice to this. In my four years of speaking with and counseling women who formula fed for a variety of reasons, no one has ever mentioned this. And it was something that definitely plagued me. I wish more women would talk about this issue so that those of us who experienced it wouldn’t feel like circus freaks. If you ever feel up to writing something for my FFF Fridays series (I post stories from people about their infant feeding experiences every Friday on my blog) I would be seriously grateful. It can be anonymous. Let me know, ok? formulafeeders at gmail.

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    • 6

      Kayla says

      This happens to me too! I talked with someone about it and they told me it is a condition called D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex). Once I read about it and understood it I was able to find what worked best for me with feeding my little girl. The official website is D-MER.org. Check it out and see if this is something you have. I was so relieved when I realized I had this condition because I knew I wasn’t alone. :)

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    • 7

      bombinabirdcage says

      I understand this so so so much. I cannot stand my nipples beinng touched. I have anxiety attacks. The judgement was horrible. Trust me ladies, nothing you are saying or thinking about me has not crossed my own mind a thousand times.

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  3. 9

    Sequoia Weller says

    I still do it, and it’s a love/hate relationship. My daughter latches poorly and most of the time it does hurt. I’ve worked thru it and either she’s gotten better at latching or I’ve gotten immune to the pain. There were days I felt exactly like this. It is supposed to be bonding, rainbows and sunshine. It’s not for those of us who breastfeeding doesn’t come naturally to, or it isn’t easy.

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    • 10

      Stephanie says

      I did not enjoy breastfeeding either but it was what was best for my children so I did it. I’m not trying to say I’m better than you that’s not the point. Women should stick together. You did what you needed to do for you and your family. But don’t think it was roses for those of us who went the other road. You should take a look at how breastfeeding mothers are treated and looked at by other women. I was bullied by hospital nurses, looked at and treated like I was doing something wrong when I needed to feed my kids in public. I was and am put into the “one of them” categories by other women. Which basically means I was left out of conversations and given the attitude why would you give up so much for your kid attitude. I challenge you to look at this from another point of view.

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      • 12

        Kate says

        I think how you are “looked at” by other women can vary a lot depending on geography, socio-economic status, and even just the group of people you hang around. I live in an area where breastfeeding is expected, and formula feeding is looked down upon. I was bullied by hospital nurses because I had trouble breastfeeding. I appreciate the author voicing her point of view, because frankly, I haven’t seen it represented in the media as much as the breastfeeding mother’s point of view.

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    • 13

      momof2grls says

      This is exactly why I didn’t even try. It wasn’t going to be a natural thing for me and I was scared to death of all of this. Mostly the not connecting and the not enjoying my baby. 9 years later couldn’t be gladder I chose formula for both my kids.

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  4. 14

    shellbee says

    I have triplets and was made to feel Very bad about not breast feeding…I knew with the three babies I was going to need my husbands ( and everyone else I knew) help with feeding., so I choose formula. Everytime someone “advised” me I should bereast feed, I just calmly told them unless I grow another boob it ain’t gonna happen ;)

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    • 16

      jennlw says

      Come on! Breast feeding one kid is hard enough! People really thought you should breastfeed three? Did they think you were designed like animals that have litters? Sorry, not trying to offend by referring to three as a litter, as I’m sure some brilliantly “funny” people made the comparison!

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  5. 17

    Amy C says

    All three of my kids were formula fed. I too was made to feel like I was somehow less than a mom solely because I didn’t breastfeed my babies. I was told statistically formula fed babies perform poorer in school and don’t thrive physically or mentally as well as their counterparts. I had to do what was right for my babies and myself. My babies turned out just fine. What really helped was realizing that its the bonding that matters…holding my little one and cherishing them, enjoying how they would snuggle close to me as I fed them. Knowing that those moments would be fleeting but precious for us both :)

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    • 18

      bernice says

      Formula babies perform poorer in school? I beg to differ. My children were bottle fed (my choice). My oldest graduated in the top ten of her class of 700 students, got a big scholarship for one of the best colleges in our area and is now a successful RN. My youngest is at the top of her class and I am sure will follow in her sister’s footsteps.
      My oldest got numerous ear infections and my doctor tried to tell me it was because she was formula fed.The issue with that theory was her first ever ear infection happened over 6 months after she was weaned off formula. My good friend also told me to not listen to that because her child was exclusively breast fed and she had MORE ear infections AND had to have surgery.
      We need to respect other mother’s decisions. I am sure mothers do their research before making that decision.

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    • 19

      Melissa says

      If breastfed babies perform better in school than my 7yr old would be in college by now. hehe. Slight exaggeration but she is a very smart kid and I have been told by both her kindergarten and first grade teachers that “she isn’t bored yet”. She reads advanced and is super smart. She didn’t get it from genetics (no offense to her dad) and I formula fed. Just lucky I guess.

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  6. 20

    tallylassie says

    Tried with my first…..horrible experience…crazy hormones, baby not latching, screaming and militant nurses at hospital almost made me lose my mind….at the pediatrician for the 2 week check up, my awesome pediatrician told me…..formula is just as good, has everything you need, I was a formula baby and I turned out just fine….my kids (5) are half formula and half breastfed….it’s up to each of us to make those decisions…love that guy! Switched to full formula and never looked back! Kids are smart, healthy and got everything they needed!

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    • 21

      Karen says

      I had that same experience with my first (15 yrs ago!!). Went to the pediatrician, and he said to do what was best for me, and to slowly wean her off breastfeeding one feeding at a time. Um…i don’t think so!! Went home and switched her to formula right away, and we had no problems! Formula-fed my other 2 as well. One of the best parenting decisions I could have made.

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  7. 22

    Heather says

    Thank you! I had a horrendous experience breastfeeding with my first. We were both miserable and luckily my husband walked in with the pump in one hand and formula in the other and said “your choice but you can’t go on like this anymore.” I was fortunate that pumping came easily for me and that my husband supported me. But my elder family members guilted me for not sticking with it. When we had our second I tried for two days and went to the pump as soon as I was home from the hospital. Again I got the guilt trip but this time around I had control of the pumping times and could let others feed while I got sleep. I would do it all over again. Both babies had 2 months of breast milk and were on formula for 10 months. I learned to not feel guilty for the choices I make that make my family’s life better.

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    • 23

      Jenelle says

      You have an awesome husband :) mine did essentially the same thing and ur comment made me realize i should tell him thank you for that moment 5 years ago when he saved me from myself. He helped me see that a healthy baby AND mom were way more important than a boob in the mouth. (My story ended with a caring lactation consultant who helped me nurse through 15 months – but that is not my point here.) Sometimes we (as women) are our own worst enemies!

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  8. 24

    Misty Lane Keen says

    I love breast feeding! I fed my oldest until 1 year and plan on the same for my baby now! Yes it hurt at first, but once they learn to latch the pain stops. Bleeding is not normal, something is wrong! I don’t enjoy the looks I get in public, but I am covered and if you don’t like it, don’t look lol! I like the fact that I don’t have to tote bottles everywhere and try and figure out how I will warm bottles while I am out, my milk is always ready to go when my baby needs it! I on the other hand HATE pumping and only do it if I absolutely have to! At least you tried before you decided it wasn’t for you.. It takes a certain type of person to breast feed, if you aren’t able to do it, formula is just fine!!!!’

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    • 25

      Didnt Try says

      I didn’t even try breastfeeding my two, gorgeous, healthy, tall, average-weight girls. Oh no’s! The older one isn’t even reading at grade level… she’s reading at 4 grades above her level. If I’d only *tried* to breastfeed before I decided it wasn’t for me – maybe she’d be reading 5 grade levels ahead.

      On a serious note, please don’t quantify what makes it okay for a woman to decide not to breastfeed. You’re contributing to the objectification of women by falling for the stereotype that breastfeeding mothers are somehow better mothers.

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      • 26

        Misty Lane Keen says

        Umm I think you need to reread my comment because I never said that I was a better mom because I do it, nor did I objectify anything! I simply said I love to breast feed and why I like it and glad tha she at least tried… I have plenty of family that did not breast feed and never damned them for it! So I guess it is okay for a person to give 10 reasons why they hate it but when someone like me who just happens to state that I loved it, I am being stereotypical, you however are stereotyping me saying that I assume I am a better mother than those who don’t breast feed! Glad your kids are doing well, but don’t pull that shit and put words in my mouth! I believe it is a mothers choice what to do, they know what is best for their kids… I think it is easier for me to feed my babies that way, I don’t really care how you are anyone else feeds their kids… I was just stating from my point of view, if you misinterpreted it, that is all you. That being said, you have a good night!

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        • 27

          Amanda A says

          I think your comment was fine, and I’m happy that you’ve had a great BFing journey! However, I think it’s the “at least you tried” wording. This post was aimed at saying, even if you didn’t try you’re no less of a mother or woman :-)

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          • 28

            Misty Lane Keen says

            I meant it as at least she tried to do it before she decided that it wasn’t for her! It wasn’t directed towards anyone other than the person who wrote the article. She waned to try, she did and didn’t like it! If anyone else took offense to just 4 simple words, I’m sorry but to say I’m stereotyping because of it was pushing it to far!

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          • 29

            nicole says

            Also understand that its not a decision for some.. i didn’t CHOOSE to stop breastfeeding.. my milk supply did for me and it was a very emotional and sad decision. I simply couldn’t produce enough to even put a dent in what my preemie twins needed , I tried it all and nothing worked.

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      • 30

        Hayley says

        I don’t think a child being able to read grades ahead of their age is a very good indicator if formula is good or not. I was breastfed and could read 7 levels ahead of my age. So really if I was using your theory, breastfeeding would be the better option.

        Not saying anything about any mothers who BF or use formula. I just thought maybe you felt the need to justify bottle formula feeding and I don’t think you need to.

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      • 32

        Kristina Layton Cates says

        Dang, lady, calm down. Literally all I said was ‘pardon?’ as I was hoping you would explain the point you were making so that I DIDN’T take offense if it wasn’t intended. But yeah, you do come off as a little passive aggressively judging, which, I am sorry, can be a little offensive, especially to women who clicked on an article entitled ‘I Hate Breastfeeding’. So realize you might not be in the room you think your in, maybe tailor your language a bit, or try to read your statement from the point of view of some of the other mothers on here, and listen to your tone. Or, just ignore the page and pretend someone didn’t disagree with you. It’s fine either way. But calm down.

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  9. 33

    mommish says

    I feel so sorry for you. Breastfeeding was a rewarding, bonding experience for me and my children. I experienced so much elation when I realized that *my* body made *her* body grow . . . and thrive. Nursing gave me many badly needed opportunities to rest, take a beat, and just enjoy some “mommy & me time.” And I learned quickly how to nurse modestly even in public.

    You have to understand – I woke up one morning when I was 12 and, well, there they were. Huge, bobbing breasts. 13 years later, when I gave birth to my first child, I finally got to use them for the purpose God intended. It was a relief, and a joy. Now my “baby” is nearly 21 years old, and looking forward to marrying, having babies, and nursing each and every one of them. The cycle will, G0d willing, continue.

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    • 34

      Ittybitty says

      I don’t think you understood the post. Also, since I have always had nearly non-existent breasts, I guess it’s no wonder breastfeeding was such an emotional struggle.

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        • 36

          says

          It’s true. I am a “barely A” lady. The only reason I wear a bra is to keep my nipples from protruding (and to make it look like I have something there). I breastfed exclusively, and all three of my babies were chunk-a-lunka roly-polies. My best friend, who is a G-cup (didn’t even know there was such a thing!) also breastfed, and while she didn’t have supply issues, her baby was always on the skinnier side. Breast size has nothing to do with how much milk you produce or how fatty it is. I actually miss the breastfeeding days because I actually had boobs for a while! :)

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    • 39

      Nancy Stein says

      I have to say that although I’m glad breastfeeding was “was a rewarding, bonding experience for me and my children,” as another mom who tried very hard to breastfeed and then wound up with formula (medical reasons, oh and I JUST HATED EVERY MOMENT OF BREASTFEEDING), if a mom is miserably unhappy/suffused with pain, breastfeeding will never be a bonding experience. However, contrary to popular opinion, bottle feeding CAN be a “rewarding bonding experience.” We NEVER propped a bottle. We ALWAYS spent that time holding, cuddling, kissing the baby. And notice I said “we”… when I made the switch, my husband got to feed and he was ELATED.

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    • 40

      Mistrest says

      “I experienced so much elation when I realized that *my* body made *her* body grow . . . and thrive.”

      Pregnancy… The whole “conception” thing, and carrying your daughter INSIDE your body didn’t make you realize that your body made her body grow and thrive, but actually MADE her body? It took breast feeding to do that??

      I think you missed one key point! It’s when people say things like “I feel so sorry for her” that makes women feel guilty!! We’re all happy for you! YAY! You breastfed and enjoyed it.. Congratulations. However, don’t feel sorry for women who don’t/won’t/can’t… when someone says they feel sorry for them, it comes across as condemning them. Especially when all the “good” things that you did differently were pointed out, implying that she just didn’t try hard enough to enjoy it.

      Again, it’s comments like these that make women who give their infants formula feel like shit. Like less of a mother! I honestly hope that your daughter, upon having children of her own, can offer them the same experience you gave her. I fear that if for any reason, she were to give her child formula instead of breast, that you may give her the same feeling that your comment conveyed. That’s not okay.

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      • 41

        Sydney Keane says

        Your child is not a fucking commodity. You don’t get to say some bullshit like you thought your giant boobs would make you feel sexy. Hint: That’s not what they’re there for! They exist to provide nutrients to your child. I know the rules say don’t be a dick, but Jesus you’ve taken the “I wasn’t able to breastfeed” thing WAY too far and your guilt, I assure you, doesn’t come from other people. It comes from the fact that you know you’re an asshole and have denied your child his most basic health needs in the name of vanity.

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        • 42

          patrice says

          Whoa!! Easy harsh!! I think your hormones are raging a bit much!! Tone it down Judgey Joe,pretty sure that was the author’s attempt at humour,which clearly went over your head.

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  10. 43

    Christy Smith says

    It’s a personal choice. Nobody should be guilted into it nor away from it. I have done it both ways. All kids healthy. No problems. No regrets either way.

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  11. 44

    Amanda A says

    Thank you… I could’ve written this. I’ve felt guilt ever since I stopped nursing my now 4.5 year old after 3 weeks. I went on meds and everything, and once I stopped BFing I felt like the black cloud had lifted. I wanted to love it and still to this day wonder what in the world is wrong with me. Wo hated BFing their own children? I’ve come up with a on of little answers with a lot of them resembling yours. I’m a good mom who loves my children more than life, so why not BF? Well, because your love is not always defined by what others define love by. I saw someone write that if you choose formula you should not have children because you are denying them their birth right and denying basic rights is CRUEL. I will never forget that girl and all of the people that idolized her, and how she was the one that was cruel. It is so great to see someone feel the same way and not be afraid to say it. I’m sorry you went through those feelings that I would never wish on anyone. Here is to rising above and being an amazing mother who happens to formula feed.

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  12. 45

    Meghan says

    This was me. Virtually the only time I held my first I was trying to feed him because it took 2 hours, and then he would be hungry again less than an hour later. It made me almost hate holding him because I was always in pain and frustrated. I decided that probably wasn’t healthy for our family :-) Fast forward 5 years, and he’s perfectly healthy, smart, and…just fine. My second started going the same way, and I started bottle feeding him after a week. It was the best decision for us-we have two healthy, happy boys and a non-insane mom!

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  13. 46

    9monthmommy says

    Thank you for writing this…it brought be to tears because I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I breastfed my now 9 month old for the first two months of his life when I had to stop because I wasn’t producing enough for his demands. When I told the lactation consultant from the hospital she told me that something was wrong with me. How cruel!Thanks for being brave enough to write this. I still have guilt that I can’t shake.

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  14. 48

    Christy says

    I tried breastfeeding and I dried up at 3 weeks. It was very painful and uncomfortable. I tried pumping so her dad could feed her too. When I dried up, I felt really bad, like a bad mother, but there was nothing I could do about it. I completely forgot how painful and uncomfortable it was because it has been almost 9 years, but I have been refreshed of the memory! I will try again on the next one, but I wont feel too bad this time if I chose not to, because my daughter is advanced in school and is very bright. I’ve heard good things and bad things about breast feeding, but only you can solely make that decision. I don’t think that a way of feeding your baby would make you a bad mother, nor if it’s breast milk or formula, but it would if you didn’t feed your baby at all. So mom’s be comfortable with what you do and make each moment as happy and fulfilling as possible!

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  15. 49

    haley says

    I’m reading this while both nips are being electronically drained by my stupid, expensive breast pump. I. Hate. This. Thank you for voicing my exact feelings. I just got home from a family function where all the other breastfeeding harpies tried to convince me all my baby needs is my boobs. Fuck it. I would like at least 4 hours of sleep a night. And bottle feeding gives me that luxury.

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  16. 50

    Sara says

    Sounds like you might have had post pardum depression… Every new Mom should have support and there should be a lactation consultant that does a home visit for the first few days. I had so much trouble nursing my first but thanks to an awesome lactation consultant she gave me confidence and helped with every aspect of breastfeeding. I ended up nursing for 17 months. I’m also shocked by how little my babe’s pediatrician knew about breastfeeding. Every time there was a challenge his answer was why don’t you try formula? Jaundice… why don’t you try formula???? Low weight gain… Why don’t you try formula? UG! If there was more support, more public nursing and better advice breastfeeding wouldn’t be so hard.

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    • 51

      Meghan G says

      I cannot believe your post, Sara. You’re diagnosing someone with PPD because you assume they have no access to good support?? What color is the sky in your utopia??

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    • 52

      Heather Suzanne says

      Sara,

      It sounds like you want something to be “wrong” with her for not breastfeeding. How about, SHE JUST DID NOT WANT TO!
      There is nothing wrong with those of us that choose/chose not to BF. We simply have a different lifestyle/opinion/desire..than those who to choose to do so.
      Please stop assuming something is WRONG. Nothing is wrong..we just didn’t like it for whatever reason, and that’s ok!

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      • 53

        Sara S says

        She talks about how her hormones were going crazy, how she felt like a failure, she felt disgusting and for some reason me saying she MIGHT have had postpartum makes you fly off the handle? At least 20% of new Mothers have postpartum. Also, you obviously didn’t read any of the rest of my post about how all new Moms should have support. She said that breastfeeding hurt! Well, maybe with a good lactation consultant she could have helped. Breastfeeding should never hurt. My point is breastfeeding should not be hard but it is because we get such little support in those first few weeks. Sorry you took offense at my comment but I think you getting upset because I suggested that she should have had more support is ridiculous.

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  17. 54

    Sara says

    I didn’t want to breastfeed from the beginning but felt obligated by “Breast is best” guilt. My child was 4lbs and in the hospital for 10 days. He was started on formula and after a painful week with no milk I gave up trying to breastfeed. I was told I could take drugs to help lactation but decided that wasn’t the right way for my child to start his life. The final reason I chose to stop trying to breastfeed is because of a distraught mother who shared my room, arriving at the hospital a week after my son was born. She had had a healthy home birth and was convinced by others that breast feeding was the only good way to feed her child. Her son lost weight and when the nurse came for a home visit she saw he was dangerously dehydrated. This mom had no idea her child was starving and was torn to pieces as doctors ran scans to see if he had brain damage. Thankfully he was ok. Right there and then I decided breastfeeding my 4lbs baby was not a priority over knowing how much formula he consumed from a bottle. I let go of the guilt instantly. My child was held and cuddled at every feeding, by myself, my husband or one of the many family members that helped us so much. He is a healthy and extraordinarily happy 6 year old now. Thank you for writing this article. It reinforces how important it is for mothers to listen to what is right for each of us. And that the decision we make, whether it is for the well-being of our children, ourselves, or simply a personal choice, is ours to make, guilt-free.

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  18. 55

    RileShelley002@aol.comileysmom says

    YES! I had my first and only baby at 39 years old. I have always had painfully sensitive breasts (I sleep in a sport bra) and had a fibroid tumor removed from my right breast two years before my pregnancy. The surgery recovery and pre-surgery were painful ordeals (a mammogram squeezing JUST on my nipple, OW!!). I knew this would be my only child and after agonizing over the decision, I didn’t want to spend our mom/baby time miserable, or to put the baby through starting and giving up breast feeding. I opted for formula, and my first (young)labor/delivery nurse turned to ice when I meekly stated it. She treated me coldly right up until her shift ended. I’ve felt shame and doubt about it for three years now. Thank you for writing this, it helps to hear that I’m not alone!

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