I was meant to have a little girl.
I’ve always been the march-to-my-own-drum kind of girl. I never planned my wedding or even thought about it. I never imagined having kids or their names. Hell, I didn’t even like baby dolls but played with stuffed animals instead. My toy dinosaurs ate my Barbies and dirt was my best friend.
Fast forward to my teenage years. They were rough. I was always convinced everything was a fight. I had to fight everyone and everything. Only I knew what was best. Needless to say, I exhausted myself. I wore myself down. I was too young and dumb to be that stubborn. In those teenage years, I lost myself. I lost myself to boys, to drinking, to the party life.
Kids were never on my to-do list. So, when I popped up pregnant after years of being with my current significant other and pretty convinced I was sterile, I was in shock. I really didn’t know how I felt. I was no longer a young dumb teenager, but a young adult who had made it out on the other side.
As the idea grew on me and I realized I was going to bring a new life into the world. All I could hope for was a boy. “I don’t know how to be a girl. I need a boy. I really have no idea how to be a girl” replayed in my head.
So when the day to find out the sex came, I was shattered. My baby was a girl. I cried. Uncontrollable, unlike me to show emotion. I cried in the doctor’s office to the point I couldn’t hide it from the doctor. My amazing doctor said, “Just wait; it will be okay.”
Now, here I am 2 years later, with my baby girl. The fire of my soul, the light in my life. The reason I breathe. A love I never even knew existed but swore I knew.
I didn’t know. I had no clue the power of becoming a mother. As I sit here with this sponge of a 2-year-old flying around my kitchen, I realized I know how to be a girl. Well no, not a girl, but a woman.
I’m starting to realize I’m perfect to have a little girl. I know what it’s like to be a true woman. I will teach her about how to be happy in her own skin. I will show her to never be ashamed of who she really is.
She can wear the dress or the camo pants. We will play tea party and with a toolset. My daughter will never be in a box. She will never be told what she can’t do. I will reassure her and push her.
I’ll show her how to be a part of the wild and not tamed to society’s standards. She will know she gets to choose.
I have never for a second thought of myself limited because I am a girl. Thinking this made me less of a girl, and yes it did. It made me less of a girl and more of a woman. Realizing this has made me feel ready more than ever to teach my daughter how to not just be a girl, but a limitless woman.
Now, if I ever have more children, I want another girl.