I’m Jealous Of You

388 Comments

MomAndBabySilhouette

I see your posts. You talk about how hard it is to potty train your daughter that is younger than mine. Potty training isn’t even on our radar right now, to be truthful. That’s not going to happen for at least another year or so…if we’re lucky.

I’m jealous of you.

I see your statuses. How tired you are from running from one sport to the next, then on to birthday parties.  My son can’t play team sports, he gets too overstimulated. He doesn’t get invited to birthday parties.

I’m jealous of you.

I see you at the store, you get away with people not looking twice at your kids- you don’t see that look of recognition- and sometimes of pain- as they notice your child’s extra chromosome. I see you in the malls, walking with your kids, not worried about what next sound is going to set them running in the opposite direction. I see you at my other son’s basketball games. Walking in from the parking lot to cheer for your child, as I sit with my son who is hiding in the back of my car.  His autism fills the space between.

I’m so jealous of you.




You capture every milestone as they come naturally for your child. First steps. First words. I capture those, too. But they are after hours and hours of therapy, sleepless nights and drained bank accounts.  You talk about goals kicked and awards won, I speak of services gained and lawsuits averted. You fought for your child’s place on team. I fight for my child’s place in the classroom.

I hate myself for being jealous of normal.

It’s not your fault you don’t have kids with special needs anymore than it’s my fault that I do. With my oldest, I loved meeting those milestones, even bragged about them a little. I didn’t get it. I had no frame of reference. I didn’t realize how great it was that he developed the right muscles in the right way to sit, crawl then walk. I didn’t get with my other typical developing child how great it was that speech set in without us having to painstakingly draw out language, bit by bit, sign by sign and sound by sound.

And I’m sure I don’t realize how lucky I am to have an autistic son who can talk, and a daughter with Down syndrome that is even as healthy as she is.

Jealousy is a worthless emotion. Even if it pushes you to do more or be more, you’re not doing it for the right reasons. I fight this jealousy.  And, on days like today, I lose.

I’m so jealous of you.

Related post: Dear Newly Inducted Special Needs Parent

Comments

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  1. 2

    Janice Geddes says

    I’ve worked with (and loved) these kids. I’ve gotten one student with autism all the way through college and it was work. Every second of it. And yet I didn’t have to go home with her. I didn’t have to deal with “what next?” upon graduation. But heroic, loving, sleep deprived parents like you do it every day and I am in awe. You have the respect of so many of us who have had it so much easier.
    My children were normal but my older daughter’s life was taken by a parolee when she was 22. Being a parent is painful. And so, so rewarding. I wouldn’t trade a day of her life, knowing what the end would be like. Celebrate every victory.

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  2. 5

    MarySunshine says

    I’d like to give you a hug, if that’s ok.

    It’s ok to be jealous, too. We all are, at some point, jealous of someone else’s normal.

    You are Mom and you are amazing.

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  3. 6

    LDiggitty says

    My brother is autistic, and I know what it’s like to be envious of people and their version of “normal.” But you are an AMAZING mother and those other moms would crack if they had to deal with the challenges that you do on a daily basis. I know it’s small comfort, but your kids will love you forever even if it’s hard for them to show it. And somehow, I think that earning the love of a disabled child is worth a thousand times more than anything NORMAL.

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    • 7

      sarah says

      Its completely normal to be jelous. It’s natural to feel that way. You can take one day at a time and celebrate all the hard work you and your family is doing and gains the kids are making (even if it seems small relative to other’s milestones).

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  4. 8

    Blissfully24 says

    Oh, how I can relate. My oldest daughter has severe ADHD, my middle child has Autism, Cerebral Palsy, Epilepsy and ADD. My youngest child is normal, but extremely co-dependent towards me, as well as high strung. I love my babies, I would walk through fire for them on any day. Sometimes though, when you are tired, when you have lost yet another person you thought was a friend because they didn’t understand your child didn’t mean to hit, she is naturally aggressive and your apology isn’t enough, sometimes when your first marriage falls apart because your husband can’t take the pressure of raising 3 complicated children, and says hell with it and leaves you alone to figure it all out, sometimes when even your own mother doesn’t understand your struggle….it gets lonely, and sad. And I completely understand how that jealousy can occur. I applaud this woman, for having the courage to say what sometimes we mothers of special needs children, simply dont have the courage to say.

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    • 9

      jayne says

      very well said! I have chosen to adopt some fosterchildren that i had in my care with just those difficulties…life is difficult but so worth the difficulties when you get a hug, or hit a milestone…thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings

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  5. 13

    Adrienne says

    We feel how we feel, useful or not.

    I’m jealous, too. I hate it, but I am. Sometimes it’s way in the background, and sometimes it’s a little more like rage.

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  6. 14

    Kate says

    I hear ya’ … exhausted. Thank god the sun is starting to emerge. Keep plugging away – there’s always someone worse off than us. I’m celebrating the goofiest things these days :)

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