In the bathroom



Evan’s bathroom habits have become annoyingly predictable lately. And by annoyingly predictable, I mean borderline infuriating.

Whether we’re at home, a restaurant or a friend’s house, the moment everyone sits down to start eating is inevitably the exact moment I hear, “Mommy, I need to poop.” Yes, he’s five years old, but I’m not a big fan of scrubbing skid marks out of underwear, so I choose to accompany my dear child to the restroom. Apologies for the visual.


We recently were out for dinner when, like clockwork, as the waitress placed my plate before me, Evan announced that his tummy hurt, and no, he could not wait. So, off to the restroom we marched, hand in hand.

I don’t recall our exact conversation in the bathroom that particular evening, but I can attest to the fact that it was very much about poop, poop and nothing but poop. But to the crowd of women who gathered in line to wait for the restroom after me, impatiently knocking as I hollered “we’re almost done in here!!!”, I suspect it sounded a lot like something else. Something far more enjoyable.

“Hurry up, sweetheart. I would really like to eat my dinner while it’s still warm.”




“Are you done yet? Come on. Seriously.”




“Hurry up, my love, I mean it. Next time, you’re going to have to do it alone, I don’t care how messy it is.”


“I’m really losing my appetite here, honey.”




“We are not doing this again. I mean it this time. Stop laughing and CONCENTRATE!!!”



Finally. Let’s get cleaned up and go eat. I’m starving.”


For the record, it was not good for me.


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  1. 1

    Mom off meth says

    I “assisted” my kids to save the skid marks until they were older than 5. I had to be like “NO you have to do it yourself, this is getting weird!”

    I don’t remember what Freud said about that, but I don’t think it’s good.

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  2. 3

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom says


    You need a category for blogs posts like this called, “file away to blackmail child someday.” This is pure teenage punishment GOLD.

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  3. 4

    Outsmarted Mommy says

    Good grief our kids would be fast friends. My husband and I can count down from 5 at dinner and know that our five year old will inevitably announce that he has to poop. I will do this when my five year old is married with kids at his dinner table as revenge.

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  4. 5

    lynn @ Maven of Savin' says

    OMG – my 4 year old does the same thing! Last time we were in there she put her elbow on her knee to rest her head in her hand and told me I could sit down… it could be a while.

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  5. 6

    Janine Huldie says

    Seriously was laughing, because this just happened to me with my 4 year old at Friendly’s last Friday night. I literally had 2 bites left when she announced she needed to go to the bathroom. By the time, I got back and everyone had finished and I got to eat the last two cold bites. They really do have impeccable timing!!

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  6. 8

    Ariana says

    Wait till he’s older. One of my sons will inevitably, 100% of the time, excuse himself to go poop the moment I ask him to do a chore…unless he has some other excuse to get out of it.

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  7. 11

    Amber says

    My daughter always picks the worst moments to want to use the bathroom. One time we were in line and it was finally our turn. Then she was like, “I need to potty.” *Sighs* And she takes forever too.

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