In the bathroom



Evan’s bathroom habits have become annoyingly predictable lately. And by annoyingly predictable, I mean borderline infuriating.

Whether we’re at home, a restaurant or a friend’s house, the moment everyone sits down to start eating is inevitably the exact moment I hear, “Mommy, I need to poop.” Yes, he’s five years old, but I’m not a big fan of scrubbing skid marks out of underwear, so I choose to accompany my dear child to the restroom. Apologies for the visual.


We recently were out for dinner when, like clockwork, as the waitress placed my plate before me, Evan announced that his tummy hurt, and no, he could not wait. So, off to the restroom we marched, hand in hand.

I don’t recall our exact conversation in the bathroom that particular evening, but I can attest to the fact that it was very much about poop, poop and nothing but poop. But to the crowd of women who gathered in line to wait for the restroom after me, impatiently knocking as I hollered “we’re almost done in here!!!”, I suspect it sounded a lot like something else. Something far more enjoyable.

“Hurry up, sweetheart. I would really like to eat my dinner while it’s still warm.”




“Are you done yet? Come on. Seriously.”




“Hurry up, my love, I mean it. Next time, you’re going to have to do it alone, I don’t care how messy it is.”


“I’m really losing my appetite here, honey.”




“We are not doing this again. I mean it this time. Stop laughing and CONCENTRATE!!!”



Finally. Let’s get cleaned up and go eat. I’m starving.”


For the record, it was not good for me.


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  1. 1

    Mom off meth says

    I “assisted” my kids to save the skid marks until they were older than 5. I had to be like “NO you have to do it yourself, this is getting weird!”

    I don’t remember what Freud said about that, but I don’t think it’s good.

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  2. 3

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom says


    You need a category for blogs posts like this called, “file away to blackmail child someday.” This is pure teenage punishment GOLD.

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  3. 4

    Outsmarted Mommy says

    Good grief our kids would be fast friends. My husband and I can count down from 5 at dinner and know that our five year old will inevitably announce that he has to poop. I will do this when my five year old is married with kids at his dinner table as revenge.

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  4. 5

    lynn @ Maven of Savin' says

    OMG – my 4 year old does the same thing! Last time we were in there she put her elbow on her knee to rest her head in her hand and told me I could sit down… it could be a while.

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  5. 6

    Janine Huldie says

    Seriously was laughing, because this just happened to me with my 4 year old at Friendly’s last Friday night. I literally had 2 bites left when she announced she needed to go to the bathroom. By the time, I got back and everyone had finished and I got to eat the last two cold bites. They really do have impeccable timing!!

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  6. 8

    Ariana says

    Wait till he’s older. One of my sons will inevitably, 100% of the time, excuse himself to go poop the moment I ask him to do a chore…unless he has some other excuse to get out of it.

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  7. 11

    Amber says

    My daughter always picks the worst moments to want to use the bathroom. One time we were in line and it was finally our turn. Then she was like, “I need to potty.” *Sighs* And she takes forever too.

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  8. 12

    Mercy says

    Haha, good one.
    My kids often have to go at mealtime too. I finally had to make my 5 year old clean himself because he goes multiple times a day and I do not want to see his butt that many times.

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  9. 14

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense says

    My son is a toilet-clogger with his behemoth dumps. Thank God he’s never clogged a public toilet, though.

    One time, at what I thought was the end of his potty training, we brought my 2yo to my favorite Indian restaurant (CURRY MAKES ME HAPPY). Even with MULTIPLE trips to the bathroom during which he sat on the toilet wiggled around and sang songs and did NOT poo, even though I KNEW he had to poo because at the table his eyes kept watering, he simply would not go. Guess where he finally took a dump. Guess whether or not he was wearing a pull-up. Guess what got all over his clothes, including his socks. Guess who forgot to bring a change of clothes. Guess how many female patrons didn’t have use of a bathroom for 20 minutes.

    It took me five years to go back to that restaurant.

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  10. 17

    Jami Beno says

    I have an almost 3yr old & he JUST did this last night, when we went out to eat (well, bathroom to pee, at least) only he made me go twice! *sigh* I wish I could just sit & enjoy my whole meal!

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  11. 19

    Jen @ MamaLionStrong says

    First off I am amazed how many people take their kids out to eat. Great job! I find that whole experience annoying and stressful even without the pooping scene!

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  12. 20

    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says

    All too familiar.
    Our kids know they are not allowed to leave the table unless for urgent toilet matters. So standard, halfway through their meal we hear at least of theme say :’Mommy I have to go… ‘

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  13. 21

    Kelly says

    My daughter would do this the moment everyone was ready to walk out the door for school. They were all late every day for the entire first year. I even tried getting them out the door 15 min early, but somehow she knew, and just took longer in the bathroom.
    A friend of mine has a teenage son and one bathroom. Whenever she’s in the tub, he has to come in. Awkward!

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