Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Christie Tate blogs at www.outlawmama.com from her home base in Chicago where she battles a serious allergy to cooking, cleaning and using “hokey pokey” as a verb. Her blog offers humorous tidbits about how she’s raising her 2-year-old who aspires to be the Lip Gloss Queen of Northern Illinois, and her 15-month-old genius who knows how to say “Costco” but hasn’t mastered “mommy” yet. In her “spare” time, Christie is an attorney and legal writing professor, who’s desperately hoping that the skinny jeans fad passes sooner rather than later.
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In the waiting room of the OB/GYN office, the rules are simple. The most pregnant lady wins. For a few short weeks in my two pregnancies, that lady was me. I waddled in there like I owned the practice and the doctors were my loyal subjects. With a theatrical sigh, I tried to wedge my capacious ass into a waiting room chair without my paneled pants ripping down the seams. I loved to make eye contact with the lesser pregnant women as if to communicate benignly to them: “Look and behold me: I am so utterly pregnanter than you are with your measly 27-week-old fetus. I will smile at you because I am a generous mother-to-be, but don’t forget, I am the Queen of this waiting room right now. (Now save my seat, because I gotta go pee again.)”
Today I found myself walking down Ontario Street in downtown Chicago as I have done countless times on the way to the OB/GYN office. Having (somewhat) recently given birth to two babies (2009 and 2011), I have a reel of memories of trekking to the office through the sideways blowing snow right before Simon was born or the sweltering, sticky July soup before Sadie was born. When my belly was swollen and full of life about to spring forth, I usually went to the OB/GYN with my husband Jeff. Hand in hand we walked through the busy streets near Northwestern Hospital making our way to yet another appointment to find out how many centimeters dilated, how many heartbeats per minute or how many days before an induction would be medically necessary. There was so much to measure; we hung on the doctor’s every word and wrote figures in the baby books I had prepared for our babies-to-be.
Those were heady times. I remember walking through the door of the doctor’s office feeling more like a celebrity the closer I got to my due dates. First my appointments were a month apart, and then a week apart; by the time I was visiting weekly, I felt like the queen (and the float, frankly) at the most spectacular parade on the planet: the parade that celebrates life and fecundity and my fucking awesome uterus. My arrogance was especially acute once I hit 40 weeks and continued to schlep to the doctor’s office with my recalcitrant daughter-fetus who sat perched high up near my rib cage refusing to budge, drop or descend well after her July due date.
Back then, I knew I was the winner: I was the MOST pregnant lady, clocking in at 41.5 weeks and not a mucus plug in sight.
But, today, I was not visiting the doctor with a baby stirring in my womb or breasts leaking colostrum. It was only a small consolation that I also didn’t have gas, heartburn or pee-pee leakage that accompanied me during both pregnancies starting at the second trimester. Instead of seeking prenatal care, I was there to discuss the fact that my menstrual cramps reached such a crescendo of pain two weeks ago that I fainted while on the toilet.
How far from celebrity is that? Sure, you can argue it’s pretty damn rock-and-roll to have a medical crisis on the toilet, considering that Elvis, Lenny Bruce, Judy Garland and other fatally unstable celebs met their makers on the toilet. I, however, fancy the more glitzy side of celebrity, say, swag bags, my own reality show, or a perfume line.
So, when I walked into the waiting room today I saw the pairs of expecting parents—the mothers in their ill-fitting maternity clothes (because those are the only kind that exist), and the fathers in their dress shoes and business casual khakis, sneaking peeks at their emails approximately every 17 seconds. I couldn’t meet their eyes. I felt like an aging athlete—a former two-time gold medalist who returned to the Olympic stadium a few years after my prime, sporting a bum knee and a muffin top. When I stole glances from behind my book, I realized that none of them were looking at me anyway. I was the great invisible singlet, with only one heartbeat housed in my still-ample chest.
No one cares about the not-pregnant lady at the OB/GYN’s office. I tried to sit up straight and look youthful so no one would mistake me for a peri-menopausal woman looking for estrogen supplements. I reminded myself of all the parts of pregnancy that sucked: not being able to take steaming hot showers while eating blue cheese stuffed unagi rolls and sipping Splenda-laden Crystal Lite by the gallon. How much did that suck?
And much as parts of pregnancy sucked, it also felt like a paralyzing jolt to sit there today and accept the reality that my baby-making days are (most likely) over. My two babies came so quickly that it has literally been a giant 3-year blur from that first positive pee stick to today. Psychologically, I am facing a bit of a blank page because I don’t know what’s next for me, and if baby-making is out, that’s going to leave me a chunk of free time that both excites and burdens me. As I sat there today, experiencing what it’s like on this, the we’re-done-having-babies side of the fence, I felt the first strong pangs of grief about moving forward and leaving all that (the adorable newborn smiles, the leaky breasts, the painful post-partum intercourse, and the uncontrollable weeping in the Macy’s restroom) to the women sitting around me, swollen with water weight, gas, and offspring.
Today, once the doctor told me I wasn’t dying, but only that my hormones were wacky and could be regulated with any number of birth control choices (sorry, Rush, here’s another slut looking for birth control), I felt such tremendous relief that when I walked back through the waiting room to go home, I felt like screaming to all the waiting women: “See you on the other side, Suckers! Have fun with that super satisfying post-partum sex, especially if you are nursing.”
Is there anything more touching than the bond between mothers?
{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }
I remember a rude older women who pitched a fit at the OBGYN because a very pregnant woman was seen before her. I too was pregnant, but only halfway through my second pregnancy. She was soooo rude, I told her she needed to shut her trap, because she probably did not even have a uterus anymore. I reminded her that the woman who went before her had a living being growing inside of her and it trumped her hormone shot. I loved pregnancy hormones! Rush must think I am a super slut. My tubes are tied! LOL
Seriously Sassy Mama recently posted..Things To Do With Left Over Chicken
oh dear god, please tell me you didn’t say anything that blatantly cruel and possibly true? Because karma’s a bitch, and people are often at their rudest when they’re in crisis.
this post made me crack up, b/c it sounds exactly like my visit for my annual this year at a new GYN. So weird to not be pregnant, and you totally are the invisible person in the waiting room! Glad to hear you aren’t dying ;-)
Michele C. recently posted..Monday Moodiness
It’s possible I am a bit of a hyperchondriac. I am glad I am not dying either. The good news is that I don’t have to dress up or do my hair before going to the OB, because no one is looking.
Sitting in the waiting room on the day I was to have an IUD inserted, I watched the expectant parents lovingly caress swollen bellies and laugh with outlandish names for their soon-to-be-babies. I buried my head in a Parenting magazine so nobody would see that my face was flush with envy and sadness. But not a single glance was cast in my direction – nothing is interesting about a lone 30-something.
Me too! Went the IUD route for cramps and after three girls , I am done. But that doesn’t mean that I still get a little sad thinking I won’t have more. Then again, I do not miss the sore nipples and sleepless nights!
This may be a little off topic, but did the IUD help for the cramps? What’s what sent me to the office (the fainting from cramps on the toilet), but I am too scared of the IUD!!! There’s probably a chat room for this topic. And, I am still nursing but only on one side so at least I only have 1 sore nipple.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
H my goodness did it help! I haven’t had ANY cramps since getting an IUD in, and that’s probably not typical or anything, but mine used to be the rats gnawing your intestines out falling on the floor please pleas just make it stop kind. The kind where my mom explained to me that since I had to learn lamaze breathing to get through my period cramps, labor and delivery were not really going to be a shocker for me (they weren’t. We;ve had three kids, and not until I got to transition were my contractions anything like the power of my plain old period cramps of doom.). I got Merina after our third child, having had a lot of medical trouble with baby 3 (I have lymphedema and Chronic Lyme disease, and medically, let’s just say being SURE we weren’t going to have another one soon is a really peaceful feeling. esp since I spent nine months in a wheel chair with the last one.) I was really scared to get the IUD and stuff… but I have had no trouble with it whatsoever. Nada. No extra bleeding (less, actually. a lot less, and fewer periods in a year. a lovely thing.) no pain or cramping, nothing. I had done all my research and stuff, and figured if it worked it was a good option… and so far, it’s been awesome. My OB did use ultrasound to put it in and stuff, though, to make sure everything was positioned correctly. Just thought you’d like to hear some good experiences…. so many times all you hear is problems from folks. :-)
Oh, my gosh, this made me laugh. Now that I’m on the other side of pregnancy, I could totally relate to it. My kids are teens now, and I’m happy to report that most teens are a heckuva lot of fun. :)
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..My brother’s new dog looks like a WebKinz
Seriously? NO one EVER says teens are fun? It’s always “just you wait until they are teenagers.” I am happy to hear another voice on the topic of teenagers. Let’s stay in touch for the next 17 years.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
Michelle Duggar wouldn’t know anything about this!!
As I weigh the possibility of “just one more” I can only imagine how I will look in the waiting room, all swollen and pregnant at almost 42 years old and having the twenty-somethings smile sweetly at the waddling old lady, all the while thinking to themselves “Isn’t she a little OLD to be pregnant?”. I think I might welcome the chance to be invisible at that point. LOL
I felt quite pleased with myself when I was pregnant at 42 … it felt like the fountain of youth, actually. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!
So true! Pregnant at 42 automatically makes you a winner!
So funny! I loved feeling like queen of my OB’s waiting room, right up until husband got into a loud, dramatic argument with the snippy receptionist about being kept waiting long after our appointment time. I loved that he did what I wasn’t willing to do and was mortified at same time. Feeling shame ruined my queen bee-ness on the spot! Ahhh, the good old days… now I have to bitch at the receptionists all on my own! Great post!
A Teachable Mom recently posted..Are You Fully Utilizing Your Le Creuset Cookware?
Damn I love a good writer, and Christie is it!
Jen O recently posted..Ground Zero
Thank you! Let’s be friends.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
Yes, I agree. And I was wondering if/when the lynch mobs of husbands are going to fire back at Rush. With no birth control, there would be an awful lot of unhappy men out there.
Oh I so needed this today! Thank You! I had a GYN appt.that got totally screwed up by the office staff, and ended up being rescheduled for tomorrow. They were rude, admitted it was their fault but still blamed me anyway. And I’ve been stewing all day since! If I had been hugely pregnant they would have admitted their fault and fit me in today, sweetly and with apology. They treat you different when you’re not pregnant- as though you are a wasted appointment.
I am most definitely DONE DONE DONE with my baby making years. We’ve made sure of that! I’m not at all sad about it- I have 3 beautiful daughters, the youngest is currently entering her terrible twos. I am very glad to be done with pregnancies and childbirth, and infancy. 9 years of my life was devoted to that stage, and I am not sad it’s over. I am not envious of pregnant women, I do not wish to ever be pregnant again. And I say with that with 100% truthfulness and sincerity. But it is really weird going into the OBGYN NOT pregnant. I am actually thinking of finding a new one. The one I go to delivered 2 of my babies, but since I am no longer a cash cow for him it’s near impossible to get an appointment in the first place.
I didn’t realize that it was impossible to get an appointment because I am not pregnant anymore. I literally had to faint and fall off the toilet to get a call back from the nurse. When I was single I hated going because I wanted a baby so badly. Now I have the babies and I hate going because I am “over the hill” or “out to pasture.” Maybe a new practice is a good idea for me too.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
What a beautiful post. I too am past the baby years and it does feel so very strange! It’s amazing what we miss. I often wonder what I will miss the most when I look back on the kid’s ages now…
Real celebrities meet their death on the toilet! Most hilarious thing I’ve read all day!
Megan {{Millions of Miles}} recently posted..A mother’s guide to procrastination
I’m with you, I feel nothing but relief when I see all those huge pregnant ladies in the waiting room and know it’s not me. Love this post and so glad to see you on Scary Mommy!!!
Jennifer recently posted..A Mother’s Hands
I felt this way this year at my yearly exam. LOL But I sure didn’t when I went for my first mammogram! LOL There, I again, felt like a newbie, just entering the next phase of life with a 4 yr old.
After years (7) of trying to get pregnant we had pretty much decided to be the awesome aunt/uncle. Then surprise of surprises I got pregnant & had a boy…6 months later I was pregnant again (so much for not getting knocked up while nursing) & had a beautiful girl. I spent 2 years being queen bee & it is so weird to be invisible at the OB/GYN now. However my uterus & the rest of my body are happy to have the time off, at least for now.
When I delivered my first child, my mom bought me a beautiful robe. She told me she wanted to do something for me because once you have the baby, all attention moves away from you and onto the baby. It didn’t have any affect on me. Probably because I was so enamored with the baby myself. But I love that she wanted to let me know my mother still cared about me like her little girl, even when I was about to become a mother myself.
Love this post. Can very much relate. Last week was my yearly check-up and it had been a little over a year since my 3rd was born. It made me sad to be back there and have to tell the midwife that I didn’t need more pills, because my husband is booked in for his ‘special appointment’ this month. Plus her and the nurse were trying to talk me into ‘just one more’. And there’s the fact that I still weigh as much as I did at the end of my last pregnancy – and I can very easily be mistaken for looking pregnant. Had to be extra careful to suck the tummy in at the OB/GYN office!
Christie,
I came over to read your post because I wanted to be nice. It’s just what friends do. But, thank effing goodness! I just loved it. First, the writing is spectacular. And, you touch on so many things that I think or have thought or will probably think one day. I’m sorry for your cramps. But, if it’s any relief, you have a way with words. Thrilled so many get to read you for themselves today. Kudos to Jill for helping your broadcast your message.
totally love you and this post … when I go to the grocery store without the kids, I have to remind myself why nobody is smiling fondly at my shopping cart or solicitously offering to help me out to the car!
I know! I sometimes wish there was a symbol like a wedding ring so EVERYONE knows I am a mother. That is, a symbol besides stretch marks, nursing bras, and a mangy pony tail.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
After two kids and also (probably) finished, I felt super sad saying “goodbye” to be ob/gyn. We had a great two years together and she shared some of my most – um, intimate, I guess, – moments. Now she squeezes me in once a year in a sad, rushed appointment, hurrying out to tend to the pregnant people.
I would feel sad if this were the case for me, as well… Luckily, my OB/GYN still takes time with me and asks me about interests of mine, even though she only sees me once a year now. I’m sure she has file notes that say things like ‘knitter, reads ebooks,’ but it still makes it SO much easier to spread em wide when the person on the ‘receiving’ end makes an effort to connect with my mind as well as my privates. :)
Ooh, I hear you! I had three babies in less than two years. I, too, was the star. The twin-carrying-with-a-six-month-old-at-home star. Though I was more the hiding in the corner at the doctor’s office type. It never worked. I was always bumping into something (or someone), sweating, or looking for the restroom. And I’m done with my childbearing as well. Done! It will get better. Now, I skip into the office (because I can) and dole out pitiful looks to the miserably pregnant. I’ve done my time. And then some.
Stephanie recently posted..My Mother’s Day Gift to Me
Twins with six-month-old? Honey, you will ALWAYS be a star. Hall of famer.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
When I was younger and saw a baby I was sure I would ovulate on the spot. Once I had my two boys every time I saw a baby my ovaries shriveled in fear. I am proud to be invisible in the waiting room. I do miss having a baby fall asleep on my chest, and seeing baby feet, but I am fine with missing the rest.
Kate in Ohio recently posted..How Rumors Get Started
Now if only we could find a way to be invisible once inside the exam room. No matter what our reason is for being there, it’s just no fun. But yes, it is absolutely freaking lovely to sit there and realize I only have to get poked and prodded once a year instead of every few weeks like a bizarre science experiment.
Kerry Ann (aka vinobaby) recently posted..Win Confessions of a Scary Mommy for Mother’s Day!
Yes! Kindof like when you’re only 8 weeks along, and hubby doesn’t come with since it’s not a ‘fun’ appointment anyway, so you’re there alone and looking really pathetic, and you want to say “I’m pregnant too! No, really, I am.” But then you see the 42-weeker and you think “OhgodwhathaveIdone” and you shut your mouth because she IS the queen bee.
Sarah recently posted..The Accumulation and Storage of Things Outgrown
Right! I remember I felt too self-conscious to go to prenatal yoga until I popped. Before that, I felt like I had to “prove” I was pregnant to everyone, even though I just looked like I ate Chipotle for lunch.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
I’ve had my “two and out”, and now when I go in for the yearly appointment I feel like I don’t belong there because I’m not pregnant. “Really, I belong here. I really do!” I’m just glad my OB/GYN still takes a good amount of time with me (didn’t realize so many don’t!), which is good because he looks like a good-looking Jon Lovitz.
Wait. Good looking Jon Lovitz? Can you post a picture? IT’s hard to imagine in my mind’s eye.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
It’s not exact, but I have never been able to get the comparison out of my mind.
The best picture I could find:
http://www.sipw.com/physicians.html
For comparison:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001484/
I totally cracked up at this! Until I read the words I never realized that is EXACTLY what it was like! Being queen when you are 40+ wks prego and then I felt like an “outsider” going when I wasn’t pregnant. Thanks for the laugh!
This post is hilarious! So so true. When your preggo, everyone is so nice and makes an effort to help or get out of the way. If your not preggo, forget lady! We’ll just brush you aside like any other schmo! ;)
Michelle recently posted..Pack-N-Play: Best Invention Ever
Going in to the grocery store while very visibly pregnant I had an older woman actually slam on her brakes to let me pass in front of her. I was pretty embarrassed. I had no plans to just walk out in front of her, assuming she’d stop! It WAS a nice gesture, just a little over the top.
Loved – especially loved – how you compared yourself to a former Olympic athlete! And of course, the last line – see you on the other side suckers! It’s such an interesting emotional contradiction, isn’t it? Wanting to be back there and being grateful it’s over…Great story, Christie!
Cori recently posted..First Day at Daycare: A Blind Mother’s Experience
Oh how very true. We are TTC number 3, and I actually am excited for the day I am Queen Bee around my OB office.
Jessica recently posted..Prayers From A 3 Year Old
Mine are 1999, 2009, and 2012. I get you on the pangs. I’m also done, and there are times that gets me a bit sad, too. It does make me focus less on housework and more on the baby, Little Miss Last One.
This is great and I can so relate. I was in the OB for about 6 consecutive years with five kids and now have been paying regular visits for all kinds of not fun womanly problems and it such a downer to be surrounded by excited couples with big bellies!
I have been in the same situation as you Amanda, but I was in the OB for only 4 years.
Emily Jones recently posted..Review of Shin Ohtakes Max Workouts Program
I’m dreading this! My husband and I are in the process of creating baby #2 (which will be our last). I want to be able to embrace being a non-child-bearing woman, but it’s so hard to think that all of the good things that go along with pregnancy won’t happen again. So torn!
Cassie recently posted..Imperfection and Insecurity
What a great (and TRUE) post! I am definitely on the other side – past the baby making years. But with my one and only headed off to college in a few months I *have* been wondering…..
Gigi recently posted..She’s *almost* broken….almost; eventually she will be one of us.
I love your honesty! Great post!
Danielle C recently posted..First Day at Daycare: A Blind Mother’s Experience
You know what I took away from this post? You are a funny-as-hell writer! Glad I stumbled upon you.
jodi recently posted..An Excellent Restaurant Hits Stamford: Bar Rosso
Is it wrong for me to say that I kinda LIKED the post-partum sex? Sort of messy with all the breast milk but fun! We were only able to have one and I so miss that time of my life…
OMG. We should start a meme or whatever the hell those are called all about post=partum sex. The breast milk and the weird stuff in my new body. I adore that you admitted you kind of liked it. I bet you money in about 2 years I will be waxing eloquently all about how much I miss it. My memory is a very fickle mistress.
Christie O. Tate recently posted..Questions I Will Never Get To Ask Maurice Sendak
Hilarious, & so true! Love my boys, but SO glad my baby making days are over. I totally relate to “see you on the other side suckers!” I loved my babies and now I love other people’s babies & if I’m being completely honest, everytime I see a big ‘ol swolled up pregnant woman I initially think, “aw I remember that” and then immediately after “so glad it’s not me, ever again!”
I don’t even pay attention to those pregnant ladies anymore. I just stay out of their way. They can compete and be glad about their enormous bellies full of life. I’ll take my stretch marks and skip home, muffin top in full swing. Oh, I couldn’t do it all again!
Great post!
Karen recently posted..My Funny Things File
As the mother of 4,and an aspiring writer, I cannot begin tell you how much I LOVED this post! I remember when I was overdue with my 3rd and I thought I was queen of the waiting room until my friend walked in and she was IN LABOR.
Keep up the great writing! Looking forward to your next post!
Love this article! I go to an OB who no longer delivers babies, only does paps and other OB issues, so I haven’t had to deal with the waddling mommy’s. But lately, I’ve been thinking about maybe one more child…this article reminded me of those visits with my husband to the OB and trying to guess how far along another pregnant woman was (or how old!).
I hear you about not being able to get an appointment if you aren’t preggo….the practice I go to has about 15 doctors, and you STILL need to call six weeks in advance for a routine, non-pregnancy appointment.
LOL. Clearly I was seeing my doctor at the wrong time of day because it was usually mom with sniffly kids and not pregnant ladies that I saw in the waiting room. Then again I guess I do have a family practice doctor…
Marta recently posted..Call Her Beautiful.
LMAO!!!
I am definitely one of the invisible women now. Beyond the years of babymaking (mine are 17 and 10) and well into peri-menopause. And it is SO DAMN HARD to sit in there looking at all those beautiful pregnant bellies, or scrumptious newborns accompanying mommy to her postpartum checkup.
I was there last year trying (unsuccessfully it turned out) to stop the whole period thing permanently. One of my arthritis meds gave me a 2 month long period. I had to get an ultrasound to check for cysts and it almost made me cry to see an ultrasound (on the GIANT SCREEN TV in the room) that didn’t show a baby. All empty. Sigh.
I hope the medications help you feel better!
TheHeadacheslayer recently posted..Shameless P(L)UG: Help me adopt a pug (or two!)
Actually I preferred the 6 week post partum check-up. I was the savant, the wise woman who had lived through the 9 month ordeal and survived labour, with a beautifull baby girl being all cute and sleepy/drooly in the BabyBjorn.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Making the best of this unspringlike weather: stew with pigs cheeks and beer
So, so, SO well written!
I laughed and agreed and nodded my head the whole time. Love it!
Dawn Beronilla recently posted..Happy Mother’s Day To ALL Of You!
The post is funny and made me laugh all through it. It made me remember when I was pregnant with my first child.
Debby Osten recently posted..Kim Kardashian video scandal
At 45 I decided I wanted a baby. I got pregnant at 45-1/2, with very little intercourse. I had an uneventful pregnancy with no nausea, and I was only tired for an hour or so on two occasions. I had a natural vaginal delivery and my son is perfect. I’m incredibly lucky and was motivated to change my mind about having a baby due to all the infertility around me. I swam every day until two weeks before the birth, when I felt like quitting. The day I went into labor (13 days before due date), I walked on the pier at the Berkeley Marina, ate hot Mexican food, sat at an outdoor cafe, went home when my water broke, went to the hospital when my contractions were down to four minutes and gave birth five hours later. I never went to Lamaze classes because I thought they would scare me, and I knew I knew how to relax and breathe because of years of martial arts and yoga. I also thought that women have been having babies for thousands of years and that I could too.
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