Nothing will welcome more unsolicited advice into your life than a child of your own. Even before his birth, people around you (and complete strangers) are compelled to tell you some profound and worldly, never before used tips that they believe will change your life for the better.
Have you ever noticed that most of the time these words of wisdom are as useless as the nipples on a dude? You’ve heard it all, and more than half of the time the sage advice they choose to give you is just some generic quote that doesn’t really leave you with any substance (see #1).
I do not give unsolicited advice to others, but if I ever did, I would offer some insight that is a little more specific than that.
So…I made a list of things people have said to me at various points in the past and reinterpreted them in a way that actually relates to life with a child:
1. It is what it is. But sometimes you don’t know what it is, and in those situations I recommend washing your hands if you’ve touched it.
2. Expect the unexpected. The unexpected peep show. Quite literally. You thought changing in gym class was awkward? Wait until your kid swings open the public bathroom stall while you are midstream.
3. This too shall pass…Gas. Your baby will pass lots of gas (and, while pregnant, you will too) and it will reek.
4. Life goes on…and so do temper tantrums. Sometimes for an entire evening.
5. Prepare for the worst. The worst you will ever look in your entire life. Seriously, when was the last time you showered?
6. Hope for the best. The best night of sleep possible.
7. Nothing is guaranteed in life…except shitty diapers.
8. What’s yours is mine…because everything is mine according to the selfish two year old.
9. It’s always something. It’s always something ridiculous that sets off the waterworks. Reasons my daughter has cried: she couldn’t see the moon (it was broad daylight), she couldn’t find her belly button (she was wearing a onesie), she wanted me to take my glasses off (I wouldn’t listen), and on, and on, and on…
10. It takes a village to raise a child…if you are a polygamist.
Related post: 5 Big Fat Lies About Parenthood