Colorado jogger poops and runs
There’s a Pooper on the loose in Colorado. Police in Colorado Springs are asking for the nation’s help to stop a woman who has been repeatedly and without an ounce (or, from the looks of it, up to a full pound) of shame defecating on lawns and outside businesses while on her daily jogs.
It was resident Cathy Budde’s children who first caught the woman, who the family has dubbed “The Mad Pooper,” in the act. “They came screaming, ‘You’re not going to believe this, there’s a lady taking a poop,'” Budde told KKTV News. She went outside to see for herself, and there was, indeed, a woman taking a shit outside her house. “I was like, ‘Are you serious? Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?’ And she’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry.'”
“Yeah, sorry,” is what you say when you eat the last cinnamon roll at work. It is not what you say when you’ve got your shorts around your ankles and you’re squeezing out a turd in front of a woman and her children at noon on a Wednesday.
Naturally, Budde assumed that the woman was experiencing some kind of horrible, awful, one-time, life-defining accident. That’s something most of us could pity, forgive, and move on from. But no. “I thought for sure she’s mortified…she’ll go get a dog bag, come back, clean it up, and never run here ever again. Not the case.” The family estimates that they find this woman’s poop in front of their house, covered with napkins, about once a week.
(Your Honor, let the record reflect that this woman brings napkins with her on her runs, which is a clear sign of premeditated pooping. The State rests.)
Amazingly enough, Budde has confronted The Mad Pooper twice now, but still, she won’t stop. As someone who will freeze mid-poop if another person enters an otherwise empty public bathroom, I cannot imagine feeling so comfortable with yourself that you can drop trou in broad daylight and take a weekly shit in front of someone’s house. And it’s not just the Budde’s house, either — neighbors have reported seeing this woman relieve herself in other people’s yards and in front of a Walgreen’s.
The Mad Pooper most decidedly does not care where she goes. According to Budde, there’s even a public bathroom in the park across the street from her house and a gas station nearby. But TMP has turned up her nose at both options, preferring to squat in peace in front of screaming children and what must be increasingly aggravated neighborhood dogs.
Actually, that gets us thinking…you know how cats will always pee in the same place and no matter how well you clean it they’ll keep coming back to that one spot even though there’s a perfectly good litter box on the other side of the room? Maybe all the Buddes need to do is rip up their lawn, replace it with fresh sod, and spray the whole thing down with some vinegar and baking soda (blot gently, Buddes, don’t scrub.)
On the other hand, perhaps The Mad Pooper is incredibly territorial, and repeat pooping is her way of either sending a message to the Golden Retriever next door or expanding her territory. Either way, this woman needs a friend to sit her down and have an honest conversation with her.
The Buddes, meanwhile, are at the end of their rope. They have taken pictures of the woman and shared them with police, who are now publicizing them in the hopes that someone will recognize her. The family has even put a sign up outside their home in what one news report called “a smear campaign,” a phrase for which we would like to give those reporters an appreciative high-five. “I put a sign on the wall that’s like ‘please, I’m begging you, please stop.’ She ran by it like 15 times yesterday, and she still pooped,” Budde said.
If you recognize The Mad Pooper, you’ll either want to call the Colorado Springs police or send her a strongly worded text. And if you are The Mad Pooper, please consider investing in a gym membership or buying a treadmill for your home. Give the block to Rosco and Peanut. It’s just not worth it.