You see the memes about parenting mishaps, read the funny tweets about raising kids when they’re being ridiculous. You giggle, you laugh, you share with your friends — and you never really think it’s all true until it happens to you.
“Surely they’re exaggerating,” you think. “They’re just making a joke. That didn’t really happen.”
Oh, but that funny shit does happen — every single day. Kids have a knack for screwing up your plans, your goals, and your mental stability. Here are just 10 things kids do to fuck up your day:
1. Their tastes change from one day to the next.
Your kid’s been scarfing down Go-Gurt like it’s the only food on the planet, so you go to Costco and buy 700 of them. The next day your kid wakes up, looks at the tube of goodness, and gags at just the thought of consuming it. I hope you like Go-Gurt because someone has to eat it.
2. They systematically destroy your home.
They lie in wait for the perfect moment. When you’ve cleaned the house top to bottom, you’ve just put the mop away, that’s when your kid spills juice all over hell and gone. He got juice in places you didn’t even know existed until the ants started marching one by one out of there.
3. They grow overnight.
Kid shoes are on clearance so you buy a few pairs in the next size up for your daughter to stow away in the closet for Christmas. Of course, by the time you finish reading this, she’ll have magically outgrown those shoes before you even had a chance to cut the tags off.
4. They amass more laundry than any three adults combined.
Somehow my kids’ hamper is full within a day of catching up on laundry. I don’t even know how this is possible when they’re naked 90% of the time. There’s a good chance most of the clothes in the basket are still clean, only worn for 18 seconds, but you can’t risk it with kids so you have to wash them anyway. It’s like mini-person medieval torture.
5. They don’t maintain a regular sleep schedule.
Things have been going smoothly. For the past two weeks, your son has been asleep by 8:30 every night in his own bed and you allow yourself to break out into a victory dance of joy and bliss. Surely you’re in the clear and can finally have your evenings back. But no — he sensed your euphoria and will now spend the next month waking up all night long, poking your eyelids, telling you he’s hungry and shoving you over so he can sleep next to you instead.
6. They don’t care about inconvenient poops.
You’ve been on the road home for three hours after visiting Aunt Erma. Like a good parent, you pulled over at the last remaining rest stop before you hit your destination and had everyone attempt to empty their bowels and bladders. You get back on the road assuming everyone’s colons are clear and then when you’re 20 minutes into the middle of nowhere, your toddler declares he has to poop. Like right now. This very second. He loves to mess with you.
7. They get very sick very fast.
It’s family picture day. You’ve bought everyone matching outfits, checked the weather a million times, and temporarily tamed your husband’s cowlick. You’re getting your daughter into her new pretty dress when…hurl! She throws up all over you, her, the dress, your dignity, everything. There was no warning, no calm before the storm, just very, very sick at a very, very unfortunate time.
8. They scream when you’re trying to get your sweat on.
You’re trying to be healthy, take care of yourself, all those things Dr. KnowsEverything tells you to do. There you are in downward dog when an earth-shattering scream pierces your ear. You remove yourself from pretzel pose, race to the bathroom, and discover 80% of your Costco toilet paper purchase shoved into the toilet as water comes pouring out all over your floor.
9. They make your money disappear.
We all know raising kids is expensive, what with their need to be clothed and fed and such, but it’s the hidden expenses that really screw things up. You’re on top of the budget; you’re balancing your checkbook like it’s the 1970s. You have every penny nailed down. Then a mysterious charge comes along from the App store because one minute your kid is playing with the Snapchat filters and the next minute they’re buying every single Doc McStuffins game on your phone. Goodbye, steak dinner. Hello, canned vegetables on bread.
10. They slam the door on sexy time.
According to the calendar, it’s been a gazillion days since the last time you and your partner got it on. The house is quiet because miraculously the children are asleep. Candles are lit. Lingerie is being worn. You lean in for a kiss…and then you hear crying because someone fell out of bed onto a toy truck or had a bad dream or wet the bed. They just know when Mama’s about to get some and they do not want any more siblings eating their Cheerios.
This is parenthood, ladies and gentleman. It’s all just one big mind fuck. The best thing you can do is stock up on coffee, wine, and hand sanitizer, and pray you can somehow afford both college for your kids and therapy for yourself.