Left Out


It happened. I knew someday it would, and it has. Totally inevitable and only a matter of time.

Over the weekend, Lily found out about a classmate’s birthday party that she wasn’t invited to.


Now, the girl isn’t in her class, and it’s totally fine not to invite each and every girl in the first grade. Of course. Maybe there was a size limitation. Maybe the invitation got lost in the mail. Maybe this girl doesn’t like Lily as much as Lily likes her. All possible and none the end of the world. At all.

But to a six year old? It was shattering.

Jeff’s solution to this was to take Lily out for pancakes during the party, which while sweet seems like a sure-fire way to start a life-time long issue with emotional eating. Let’s stuff our feelings into puddles of maple syrup, shall we?

All of the parties I didn’t get invited to as a kid came flooding back. The junior prom to which I had no date, the weekend parties that I spent thinking about while I sat at home or babysat. It didn’t take much to remember how much the feeling sucks. And, I’d argue that it feels even worse when it happens to your baby. But, as much as I remember the crappy feeling, I just can’t remember what I wish my parents would have done.

She was over this particular party pretty fast, but I know it’s only just beginning. With three kids, we have years and years of heartbreak and hurt feelings ahead of us and I’m just not sure how to deal with it. Reason with them? Cry with them? Bash the other kid? Take them to Toys R Us every time they get left out? Is there anything we can do?

To think I thought the toddler phase was rough.



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  1. The Blogtessa says

    Oh Jill, poor Lily. :(
    I can remember so many things as a child that I felt left out of, too. And like you, I don’t know what I would’ve wanted my parents to do either. Is there even anything that can be done? And what I hate about these things and this first time is that it makes or breaks whether a child decides to try to be the way they think someone will prefer them to be, so that they are liked and don’t get left out again. Or if the child heads down the “What do I care who likes me?” path, which can be good… sometimes… but can take a turn for the worst if too much emphasis is placed in a child’s mind on thinking it’s ‘cool’ to be the non-comformist. I’m sure you know what I’m saying. I hope sweet Lily loved her pancakes and finds herself surrounded by many friends and her mailbox finds itself full of invitations for years to come. :)

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  2. Nicole says

    Poor Lily! I remember that feeling. It was just awful.

    I’d go cry on my bed and my mom would try to reason with me. Then she’d tell me that it was ok to cry because it was ok to be sad. She’d lay down next to me to keep me company and that made me feel better.

    Makes me remeber I have a great mom.

    Give a hug to Lily for me. Reminder her that they’ll be more parties to attend down the line :-)

    Can’t even imagine what I would do if I was in your shoes! A hug for you too Mama!

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  3. Jennifer Lynn says

    I found out about an end of the year party my son didn’t get invited to last year. He was the only one in his class as far as I could tell (I’m sure there were others). Even his teacher was invited. I wanted to hurt the parents! Especially when they talked about the party in front of me! How stupid can people be? If you don’t want to invite everyone, then at least have the decency to keep it quiet in front of the people you didn’t invite!
    As for your child, when this happened to me when I was little, the best thing my mom could do was hold me tell me she loved me. I just needed to know that someone did even when another kid didn’t.

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  4. sue says

    Ok, now here is my dillema. Jilly is having a different kind of party this year so lots of the 1st grade was invited but I did say no to some, especially the ones who her reaction was “who is that?” There is another child who she is not in her homeroom but also in the first grade. Jilly says she is not friends with her at all and does not want to invite her but would I be doing to this little girl what —– did to Lily? I see her at school events and at other kids parties but she has never been in Jilly’s class in all the years.

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    • Scary Mommy says

      If Lily doesn’t know know the kid, I’m not inviting them to the party. Our rule was all the girls in her class, plus the ones from last year that she was friends with. Hopefully there won’t be any broken hearts!

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  5. OHmommy says

    I am a 33 year old woman and every Monday at my daughter’s ballet class, in the waiting room, I feel left out. It’s the other motherfucking sahm’s that we are all “friends” with that talk, talk, talk throughout the entire hour about how much they went out over the weekend and their plans for the following week. In. Front. Of. Me. And a couple others who are never invited.

    End rant.

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  6. amber says

    That’s heartbreaking. Inevitable, but heartbreaking. Unfortunately, I think the pain is part of growing up. Pancakes might help, as will reminding them how special they are? Maybe?

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  7. Eve says

    Awe that sucks! Unfortunately, I only have a 10 month old and he hasn’t been invited to anything yet, so I have no advice. Sorry! Let me know what you come up with. Until then….comfort food will do the trick. :-)

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  8. Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 says

    This is so sad, but I know it’s going to happen here too. I’m sure that with b/g twins, eventually, someone will have a “girls only” or a “boys only” party…ugh! My Mom used to bring me a little bouquet of flowers on the days that she knew I’d be especially disappointed…just looking at them brightened me up a little bit. It’s still hard knowing that everyone’s going to that party, but it might soften the blow a little bit (and will give her a little cheer that Monday when her friends are talking about it).

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