I have no friends in my current neighborhood. Zero. Zilch. Squat. And that’s just the way I wanted it, sort of…
When Lily was born we lived in a new urban development. It was a kind of Disney version of Mayberry. A lovely place, where every house was well groomed and had the perfect front porch. We could walk to the park, the pool, restaurants and movies… A pretty little utopia situated just moments off the highway. While I loved the ease of it, the novelty wore off in record speed. The houses on my block were so close together they may as well have been attached. The progressive dinners, block parties and playgroups left me longing for solitude, space and secrets.
Next, in Tennessee, I loved my neighbors. It was perfect to have somewhere to dump Lily when we thought Ben was arriving ahead of plan. Comforting to split a bottle of wine on the steps together while our kids slept inside, oblivious to our way of coping with a long day. Easy to have an open door policy where children were free to wander between houses, receiving both snacks and discipline at whose ever home they found themselves in. Most of the time. And then there was the day when my beloved neighbor called at 4:57 AM to chat because she could see through my window that I was up feeding the baby. Again, I longed for some space.
And then we moved here, into a subdivision with cul-de-sacs and communal mailboxes. I made a conscious decision to keep my distance. I’d had wonderful neighbors in the best neighborhoods, but I was ready to fly solo. Our first week here, the queen bee gave us a list of our surrounding neighbors. Each had a little notation next to their name: #2703 hosts the Easter Hunts. #2708 are going through a divorce, but it’s amicable. #2714 Babysits and has a 4th of July bash. That sort of thing. I know she had expectations of us– would I host the Halloween pre-party? Would my kids come over for Popsicles every day? Nope. It’s more like: #2701 Wears black yoga pants everyday, lets her son run around naked on the deck and has never spoken more than five words to anyone. Or something like that.
For the most part, I prefer it like this. I have friends who are accessible by car, telephone or e-mail. I can reach them when I want to, and no one barges into my house without knocking. But it’s not ideal. If I need a cup of sugar or an egg for last minute cookies, I run to the store. The kids don’t have neighborhood friends to play with outside and it’s a pain to coordinate play dates. And it was a bit lonely overhearing the fireworks at the Memorial Day block party from the couch while Jeff was away with the kids. But, I did find my stack of trashy magazines far more interesting, anyway. Maybe in my next neighborhood I’ll strike the right balance, but, for now, I’m happy with this arrangement.
And I always try to have extra sugar and eggs on hand, just in case someone craves cookies.
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I always kind of like to meet the neighbors and make friends really fast. That way I know that if I go out of town I have someone to watch my dogs and cat! That’s just me. Are you guys military? Seems like you move a lot. My husband was in the Army for 10 years and now he is in the Coast Guard, so we definitely know about the whole moving thing as well.
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weeds?? is there more to the story that you haven’t shared?? hmmmm…
not that you’d have time for any of that, anyway.
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I have NEVER known my neighbors names. I much prefer it that way. In fact one of them knocked on my door when I had left my keys still in lock, and I was quite taken aback. Hadn’t they gotten the point that they should consider me some sort of weird recluse?
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**sniff** that’s made me quite sad. I bet there is someone ‘normal’ in your neighbourhood (#1504 always looks harassed, lives in her sweat pants) whose just dying to meet up. Can’t stand the neighbourhood manager who insists on knowing everyone’s business and probably has a little black book with everyone’s comings and goings in.
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Wow I envy your courage. For some reason I feel so lost without a human female over the age of 10 to commisserate with. You are probably the exact type of person I act like I am on the outside but really I’m not on the inside: confident, beautiful, and completely happy being all alone with just herself. Go you! Woo Hoo girl power!!
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Oh my I know what you mean. We’ve had quite a bit of street drama on our own street. While some folks remain friends, others do not. It’s really been a bittersweet story. I understand your need for pulling back.
But that woman with the list…stay away from her.
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Cracked me up again as usual. Only this time I didn’t have my reading glasses on and I came over with the understanding that you had written a post about litter boxes.
Refreshing surprise for me. I think Mr. Roger’s summed things up best with this little diddy, and I mean it with more sincerity than anyone ever could:
Won’t you be MY neighbor?
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I never lived in an area that neighbors. Then I moved here and I have 3 neighbors. I hate it. At first it was really nice to have friends so close. Now I really don’t like them very much and they *never* go away.
I can get you on this. Believe me!
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No, Feliz, we just play military on my blog ;) You’d think so… but I just have a husband who can’t sit still.
You got a problem with that, Lisa? :)
Jess, again, I just love you. And at least you’re a pretty recluse,
Don’t cry for me Argentina! I really like it this way. Truly.
LOL, Texan. I just don’t like that many people as much as I like being alone. You all would be the exception, of course, if I actually knew you :)
Yes, Noble, I am… as far away as I can given that she lives across the street! I’ve learned my lessons.
Carrie, I’d love to!
Wendy, I’ve been there too. You can’t have an easy break up because they are always there. It sucks!
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When we lived in Alabama, we had the shittiest neighbors. Nobody waved, nobody chatted. It was SO LONELY. Moving to Indiana, I wanted a neighborhood where everyone is friends and we have get togethers and watch out for one another….
Now we have that. As much as I adore my neighbors, sometimes, I just want to go outside and not have to make small talk, not have it turn into an impromptu playdate, not be wrangled into watching someone’s kid the next day.
So yeah. I know what you mean, yet I wouldn’t go back to my old neighborhood!
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I want a neighborhood where we have block parties and hang out, but we are seriously the youngest people in the neighborhood and probably the only ones who don’t have kids.
So we get left out, unless someone in the neighborhood wants money, then its flyers everywhere.
Also I love Weeds, I knew exactly from the blog title, and started singing! Sadly my husband won’t subscribe to Showtime, so I have to wait for the box set of the 4th season!!
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Desiring that level of privacy (skipping a block party!?) is very foreign to me, but I respect it. In our last neighborhood, I couldn’t stand that I couldn’t walk out the door without five neighbors knowing my business. Our current neighborhood is like yours, only the houses are all on at least two acres and there are a lot of woods, so we still have the privacy, but also neighbors. We are very tied into our neighborhood socially, but that’s just our personalities.
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Mind sending some sugar across the country? I can totally relate.
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I think it’s perfect when you know your neighbors just enough to say hi but not well enough to “get together”. I don’t know how I would have felt about my neighbor calling me that early in the AM because she saw me up! :)
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I have to confess that my front yard is pretty weedy because like clockwork, if I go out there to garden, my yakkity neighbor stops me to talk for hours. I’ve taken to trying to sneak out when her car isn’t in the driveway. I go inside when I see her pull up.
My garden is a reflection of my un-neighborliness I guess. I totally got this post.
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Love it! This makes me want to see Weeds even more now. :-) And I think this is exactly why my hubby doesn’t want to move into a subdivision. He wants 20 acres away from everyone. You’ll be welcome to visit our compound if you’re ever in town again. LOL!
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I like my solitude to a degree. Sometimes I wish I did make an effort to be more friendly.
The Queen Bee, eh? We don’t have one of those here (not that I know of). Lovely how so many follow neighborhood gossip. I’m so not in the know of the who’’s who around here.
You’re not the Weed lady, are you?
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I have the best of both worlds… I work with my neighbor but on different shifts… I can borrow the cup of sugar or steal eggs out of her chicken coop but I only see her a couple times a month… and she has babysitter aged kids who come in handy….
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I have to agree with your million readers, (Shit girl-share the love. Damn)I can relate. My last neighbors were both O-O-OLD and never came outside. Now, we are the first in our sub-division to build and have loved it. But, alas, there is a new house coming up. DAMMIT!
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I know this story. We lived in UT, where we didn’t fit in. Like 1 friend, who eventually decided that she couldn’t be our friend because we drank beer.
Then we moved to CO, where ALL of our friends drank beer. We had a neighborhood party EVERY friday night.
The drinking, affairs, divorces, gossip, etc. got to be too much. That plus the snow, we lasted a year.
Now we are in CA. I know one of my neighbors. She and I chat outside maybe once a week. That’s just about right for now.
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It’s hard to find that perfect balance. I think we have a good balance with most of our neighborhood. I know their names, would count on them to call the cops if our house was being broken into, but not to the point where it’s invasive. We are friendlier with the couple just to our right, they have 3 kids and are very nice but again I would be shocked to have them call or come over just because, so we have good boundaries. This is the first place we’ve managed to have a good balance.
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I totally respect your feelings on this, and ‘get’ it. I have had both ends of the spectrum-the neighbors who were awesome friends, and came over unannounced, and then: the middle of 25 acres, no NORMAL neighbors, and lots and lots of solitude. Now I’m back in civilization, but haven’t yet opened up to any of my neighbors. I’ve gotten used to the solitude. Sorta sad. Sorta not.
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When our new neighbors move in next month, we’re gonna have a block party to welcome them. We’re a lot more “chummy” with our neighbors than my folks were. They always “kept their distance,” too!
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I sat here for the past hour reading your blog and stealing your buttons…thanks…my sis, jill jill bo bill TOLD me to check you out…bossy big sister….but she was right (this time)! Love it and love you…i added you to my blog roll!
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i have lived where i live now for 8 years and I know one persons name and don’t do more than a head bob or distracted wave in their direction from time to time. I kinda like not having the constant barage (sp) of people.
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I agree with you. We wave to our neighbors and our children play with their children but that’s about it. I like it that way…pleasant but not to close!
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I found you via a button on Amelia Bedelia’s blog and thought, “Ahhh, woman after my own heart”. I had neighbors I loved but when I got divorced I was the threat to all the other women in the hood. So, when I moved I stayed inside and didn’t speak to the neighbors. And, when I moved again last year, I kept up my weird recluse who just goes to work and sometimes goes to the community pool but makes a big production about pulling the lawn chases away from everyone else so they know to leave me the hell alone. It makes me happy!
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LMAO, I totally have this song in my head now, for the rest of the day. Yea, I grew up with no neighbors, in the sticks, but for the last 10 years it’s been one little box after another…so…Yea…I get ya home girl.
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I love that show! We’re fortunate to have great neighbors. Our kids play together, my husband has someone to do guy things with and I have someone to talk to at the pool. It’s been great. There is drama too, but I kind of like it.
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