Dating Mom Friends

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mom-friends

We met at a park. We exchanged glances, checked each other out a little bit, moved closer to each other, exchanged some pleasantries and witty banter, and eventually our phone numbers. We began some casual texting, and later admitted to running quick internet searches on each other. We perused each other’s Facebook profiles. Oh man, I liked this one. I really really liked this one. Eventually we went out. Nothing too committal like dinner- just drinks. And the evening concluded with us closing down the hotel lobby bar over cocktails and endless conversation about our backgrounds, our families, our likes and dislikes. We were officially in a relationship.

This is a love story of sorts, I suppose, but the person in question is not my husband or some other guy from my past. She is, in fact, one of my closest mom friends. And if the above story looks familiar in its similarities to how you might have ended up with your partner, it’s because making mom friends is almost exactly like dating…

There Is A Pick Up Scene. Gym classes, music classes, dance classes, Library Rhyme Times, and nursery and daycare drop off and pick up can feel just like a singles bar in the Hamptons. You try to look stylish (but also like you’re not trying too hard), scope out the field, make snap judgments on how another woman dresses or interacts with her child to decide if you’d be compatible, and start fantasizing about the beautiful friendship with the “cool” mom in class (there’s always at least one)- all the coffee dates, and stroller exercise classes you will go to together.

There Are Pick Up Lines. So how do you strike up a conversation with that mom you’ve had your eye on? Try a couple of these on for size:

  • “I’ve been thinking about getting that stroller, how do you like it?”
  • “Do you know of any good children’s music classes around here?”
  • “Where did you get your baby’s boots? They’re so adorable!”

Next time a woman asks you a question tapping into your mom expertise, she might really want to know the answer to the question. But, it’s also the tell-tale sign that you’re being picked up. “Nice stroller,” is the mom equivalent of “nice ass.”

Related post: 10 Tips for Making Mom Friends

Rejection Hurts! (Even If It Is Pure Ego…) I once met a fellow pregnant woman in an exercise class. We kept running into each other at various places in the City, so we finally exchanged contact details. While we were both on maternity leave, we decided to meet up. I thought she was nice, though maybe not exactly “my type.” After our coffee date, I sent her an email following up on some items we were discussing on our date. I never heard from her again. Whomp whomp. I must admit I often wondered what happened over the course of that hour. Was she busy with her colicky baby? Was I not funny enough? Did she really like me but lose my contact information? Did she ask those mutual friends we figured out we had about me and find out something she didn’t like? Whhhhhhhhhhhy doesn’t she like meeeeee? I guess she just wasn’t that into me. Yup, rejection still sucks.

Momentum Needs To Keep Going. So you’ve met a fellow mom, and you guys have really hit it off, and you seem to really like each other. But schedules get busy, and two months after your first hang out together, you still haven’t managed to schedule that play date you had been promising. Just like dating, forging these new mom relationships requires momentum to keep going, or the relationship will fall flat before it ever gets off the ground. A wise friend once told me about the rule of threes- that is, she always makes sure when she likes someone (male, female, friend or date), she makes a point of hanging out with that person three times in quick succession, thereby never letting the momentum lull. After three times, a level of comfort is generally established whereby it becomes acceptable once again to take things for granted and get lazy. I fully ascribe to this strategy.

Related post: How to Not Scare Away Your BFF after You’ve Had a Baby

Sometimes Relationships Happen Where You Least Expect. After meeting the fellow moms in my son’s nursery class, I must admit my snap judgments were completely wrong. The woman who I thought I would be galloping off into the sunset with our jogging strollers? We barely talk. The one I thought I would never hit it off with? She’s one of my favorite people. Don’t judge a book by its cover, and all that.

Successful Mom Dating Can Lead To The Joining Of Two Families. So why do people date in the first place? Most people are eventually looking for a lifelong mate, someone to share a future with and unite their lives and families together. It’s not all that different in the mom friend world. The dream of many of us moms on the prowl for other moms is that the friendship we forge will lead to the melding of two families- our husbands become best friends, our kids become like cousins, our families go on ski and beach vacations together, and our futures are united. Sure, it makes hanging out with your girlfriend and gossiping over wine a lot easier when the husbands and kids are entertained. But, for me, some of my fondest childhood memories are from vacations and holidays we shared with my parents’ best friends and their kids.

The truth is I want my children to have that experience and those lifelong friends. Because when it comes down to it, it’s really all about the kids, isn’t it?

Comments

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  1. 1

    says

    I suck at finding mom friends. I have exactly one, and we knew each other pre-kids. I have friendly mom acquaintances, who I talk to because our children are friends, but that’s it. Part of it is that I work full time, so I can’t join any of the local mom groups or meet up with anyone during the work week. And part of it is that in D.C., I’m considered a “young” mom, because I had kids before forty. And, of course, part of it is that I am shy with other moms. What if they think I suck?

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  2. 2

    Samantha says

    Thanls for the article. I love the “nice stroller” is the equivalent of “nice ass” lol. I struggle finding mom friends, especially because I am such a young mom (21 with a 4 year old son). I’m always afraid of being judged. Maybe I’ll try some of the mom “pick up lines!

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  3. 3

    sammie says

    The struggle is real! I think so many of us can relate to this… So you would reason, that it should be easy for us, since we are all wanting the same thing, right? But noooo. Mom friendships are so complicated. I would love more mom friends, but I’m so tired, I don’t want to MAKE the friends. I just want them to appear, latte in hand, ready to commiserate.

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    • 4

      Charity says

      This^

      I actually was beside a potential mom friend at the swings this weekend. How I so badly wanted to just look at her and ask her if she wanted to be my friend. It works for my 3 year old, why can’t it work for me?

      I’m just so awkard at meeting people, but once I get to know you I’m a lot of fun…..promise!

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      • 5

        Kris says

        I wish people would say, “want to be friends” I’d be like YES!!!!
        lol. But I’m tired. and busy and my son does not do car rides very far.
        Also my interests seem to turn off a lot of moms. I’ve tried.
        Seriously. In my groups that share the same interests as me, i ask any other “moms or dads or parents with kids “state age” that want to hang and be friends. never a reply. because. my likes and my husbands likes seem to have mostly people who hate children :(

        So maybe i’ll be that person next to you and I’ll say OMG YES! ><
        :D

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        • 6

          says

          That’s exactly what I said to my best local mom friend. The kids have it right. If you wish someone would say something, you might have to go out on a limb and be that someone. If the branch holds, it was meant to be; if not, she wasn’t good enough for you anyway Lol! It can be a lot of pressure, but it might be true love.

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  4. 7

    Charisse says

    I must be a giant bitch or have resting bitch face because I have no mom friends that I wasn’t friends with before they became moms. Before I became a mom…..I wish I liked people more. But I do make those snap judgments…and then I judge how quickly they are able to get their child under control….or how quickly their child gets out of control when mom’s back is turned.

    But I really do want to be friends. I promise not to be mean. I will make cookies. And do crafts. And bring coffee….

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  5. 8

    Lindsy says

    That’s it! I’m so tried of not having any mom friends. I love my BF and wouldn’t give her up for anything but I need someone who lives in my town to hang with and has kids too. I will make t-shirts and wear them whenever I leave the house on errands or to the park with kids. They will read: Hi , I’m new here (on the front) Got kids too? (on the back).

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  6. 9

    Emily says

    I’m horrible at making mom friends! I finally reconnected with two girls from my sorority who had kids around the same time as me and had stayed in the area, but then we moved cross country for my husband’s job and now I feel like I have no friends at all, let alone mom friends. It’s very lonely, especially since I’m a SAHM and we don’t have the funds to enroll our son in any classes. Where else do you meet other moms?

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    • 10

      Jenn says

      Try going to meetup.com there are usually some groups that you can join for free. Trust me I feel your pain we moved to FL from Ca and I had no friends, and no place to meet them since I was a SAHM. Meetup.com helped I found some mom groups on there who would get together at local parks or libraries for story time. It was a great start!

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    • 11

      Sarah says

      Emily, I agree with Jenn. I was in the same boat as you (SAHM, no funds to do classes or preschool, etc.) and I went on Meetup.com and started going to playdates and events. I will admit that it was difficult and awkward in the beginning, because you still have to go through the process if getting to know people and figuring out if it would be a good ‘match’ for you, but if you are persistant it will happen. After about a year of attending Meetups with other moms, I started bumping into the same people over and over, and we ended up forming our own weekly playgroup. I eventually stopped going to the larger Meetup.com events and focused my energy on the weekly playgroup. Five years later, these women are the closest “mom” friends I have. Even though we don’t meet weekly anymore because our kids are in school and some of us are working part time again, we still keep in touch and do things occasionally. Have heart, and stick with it! Good luck to you.

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  7. 15

    says

    the best mom friends are friends you had before you became moms together. finding new mom friends is next to impossible thanks to the mommy-wars mentality and the judgy attitude so many seem to have.

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  8. 18

    says

    I’ve been in a SAHM group since our daughter was 6 months old and she’s about to be 5 in Aug, we also have a son who is 3. I love my Mommy friends!! We do something almost everyday with the group, and we even have mommies night out!! Great bunch of girls!!

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  9. 19

    says

    I gave up. My kids met a recently adopted girl from Ukraine at the park. Her mom was “normal” we met up a few times at the park and then she totally vanished. I tried a holiday text and 1 phone call….no response…so I deleted her number…oh well

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  10. 20

    Lindsey says

    I’ve always had a hard time with this. I was a young mom at 18 and I just had my 5th child at 36 years old. I’ve always felt like I never fit in. And I have wicked social anxiety. I’m not good at starting up conversations. Someone else said it perfectly about turning to the mom next to you and asking if they want to be friends!

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  11. 22

    says

    met my mbf at the primary 1 drop-off. I was yawning my head off, she laughed and asked if I had been out over weekend. questions squeals of laughter when we discovered we were both tomb raider fanatics and I’d been up till 4am cause 1 was stuck on a level. several children later tomb raider is a distant memory but we still meet up frequently…..Luv her to bits….

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  12. 24

    says

    Ugh, I hate making new friends. I have a couple of close friends who also have children but otherwise I am not interested in making others. I tried it at the start, going to baby groups etc, but all the competition and snobbery, and the fact that they were sooo boring, put me right off.

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  13. 25

    says

    I have a few, but again I knew them before I had kids. I choose large breed dogs to talk too. They don’t judge you for your shitty skin, they don’t care if you don’t want to wear pants and support binge eating. Best relationship EEEVVVVVVVERRRRRRRRRRRR

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  14. 27

    Jen says

    It is hard to make mom friends and it is hard to keep them over ages and stages. I had a group when my first daughter was an infant/toddler but now we are in different school districts/activities, etc. I also find that I don’t want a whole pack of moms to be friends with because I have seen the tables of ten moms out for the night and that is just too much for me, just two or three to hang out with together and that is hard to find. Good to know that there are other moms out there feeling the same way and it may make me try harder knowing that there are people open to making new friends.

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