In this week’s news of weird shit my grandma would have had a heart attack about, I present to you putting marijuana into your vagina to help stop period cramps. What? That’s right, a company called Foria has developed a magical honey pot potion that you insert via a suppository to help ease the pain of your menstrual cramps. The potion is created out of cocoa butter, distilled THC oil, and an ingredient called CBD isolate which is made from organic hemp. The article says,”The vaginal walls absorb the medication directly into the bloodstream, and the cannabinoids are supposed to cause the nerves in the uterus, cervix and ovaries to block out pain and relax the muscles.” You can place a tampon in after the suppository and — voila! — happy vagina, happy mama. In other words, you change your highly irritable Honey Badger into more of a, um, Pussy Cat.
And no, your Cave of Wonders won’t get high and neither will you. Their website says, “Foria Relief has been carefully crafted to maximize the muscle relaxing and pain relieving properties of cannabis without a psychotropic (‘high’) effect.” Oh well, I’m not sure what I would do if the Downstairs started having a party without me. Would it start craving Doritos and contemplating the universe? Would it feel like time was moving super slow and giggle uncontrollably at any penis that happened to stop by? Would it have a really strong desire to dance to ’80s music and then get weirded out by the strobe lights? I really have so many thoughts about this so I’ll just start.
1. I mean, why not? It’s not like people haven’t put stranger stuff up their Hot Pockets, so why not a little Wacky Tobacky?
2. Whoever thought of this was definitely sampling some of the product.
3. I think it’s really funny to say, “I’m going to go put some Devil’s Lettuce in my Lady Garden.”
4. I love that they sound so serious on their website saying things like, “Our intention is to share the powerful medicinal properties of this plant while utilizing modern extraction techniques to standardize purity and potency, thereby ensuring a safe and accessible experience for all women.” Like, la–di–da, yes, we are very serious scientists here.
5. Who tried this first? Who was the first woman to say, “Sure, Cheech, I’ll go for it. Let’s shove some of that Ganja into my Velvet Underground and see what happens.”
6. If you research funny names for “vagina” and “marijuana,” you will laugh hysterically for a long time and your children will become annoyed with you because you can’t really explain to them what’s so funny.
7. This gives whole new meaning to me saying that I’m placing some Acapulco Gold into my Buried Treasure.
8. Or putting some Giggle Smoke into my Pink Taco.
9. Or putting some Juan Valdez into my Love Glove.
10. I really need someone to take away my internet now or I’ll just keep on going.
This product is only available to women who live in Colorado or California (i.e., stoners). There are also a whole host of other things your vagina can do with reefer that I had no idea about. One product even had the distinction of being named the Sex Product of the Year by GQ magazine, and I feel like I’ve been living under a rock. So go forth you crazy Coloradans and Californians and blaze up that Golden Palace. We want to hear all about it.