Marriage and Kids, It’s Damn Hard


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The dream. Ah, the dream. Is that all it was?

Love sick, love spells, blinded by love, love, love, love.

I swear it happened once. I was almost 21. I know, so young. But that’s when I met him. The man who changed it all. Changed my life. Gave me life. Ignited the fire within me, and made me think of having it all; the dream.

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The dream.

And he gave it to me. He gave it all to me.

I was the bride who didn’t care too much about the logistics of the wedding, but more about the marriage. I just wanted to marry this incredible man. This man that I had the honor of waking up to every morning, rolling over and doing whatever the hell I wanted to him.

The dream.

The honeymoon was amazing, both after the wedding and the first year of marriage.

We fantasized about a child. Half-me-half him. How romantic.

The fantasy became reality.

Then I went into labor.

And pushed a baby out of my vagina.


Once I did that, it’s like I woke up from a love coma. The all-consuming fog had lifted and a new fog had engulfed me. Swallowed me whole and drenched me in what I like to call, “The Life Quake.”

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It took a few weeks for the shock to wear off and for me to accept this mom thing as my new normal.

The duo was now a trio, and that was great in some ways. But it kind of sucked ass in other ways.

On one hand, it felt like my whole self was broken: emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.

My husband, on the other hand, managed to stay completely the same, even sleeping most nights and eating most meals.


My, how things had changed. All he wanted was a little sex, and all I wanted was a fucking shower.

Life became hard disagreements, resentments, adjustments to change, lack of communication, lack of understanding. I could go on forever.

For the first time, our relationship became hard. It became work.

But we stuck it out.

I railed my emotional points into his head. I beat dead horses on the regular, while he sat in silence and prayed for it to be over soon. We went to bed mad sometimes. I cried alone as I watched my baby sleep. I told him I was unhappy, and didn’t know how much longer I could feel this loneliness.

Was it the hormones? The shock of our new normal? Did I just miss my husband? Was I being selfish?

Yes. All of it.

But we stuck it out.

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Once the second kid came along, we felt like old pros. It was nice and fucking terrifying to know what to expect this time around. We corrected a lot of the mistakes we made the first time around, especially with our relationship. And that helped.

But it was still fucking hard!

Again with the breast feeding, diaper changes, the crying baby, and having even less time alone.

I was pretty sure I would never get my libido back no matter how hard I pleaded with my hormones.

The dream didn’t feel so dreamy. It felt like a nightmare some days.

But I often caught glimpses of my husband looking and exuding the same charisma as the man I met when I was almost 21. And those glimpses kept me going. I just hoped he was catching glimpses of the same woman he met, and not just glimpses of my growing ass.

After the infant fog began to lift, and we made a team decision not to have any more kids, I felt relieved. I felt like we were making a choice for us, and not just the kids. We decided to focus on us again and on raising healthy, great children.

We began asking for a lot more help. Not because we needed it, but because we wanted it. We wanted to make time for our marriage. We went on a few small trips, took date nights out alone and with friends. We stayed in and had the house to ourselves. Oh, and I found my libido again. It’s alive and thriving.

But raising our kids is still fucking hard.

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I’m the only person my toddler wants at this stage in his life, and that’s kind of sucking the life out of me. I’m finding myself raising a very hard-nosed and witty 7-year-old, and it’s making me crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s the best time of our lives, and we know that. We couldn’t ask for more. Healthy, happy children, and a loving teammate who’s always in each other’s corner.

But it’s still fucking hard.

But we stuck it out, and we will continue to stick it out.

Because we know it will keep getting better. It will keep rewarding us when we least expect it, and we will continue to surprise each other with the fact that no matter how much our lives have changed, we are still the same two people as the first day we met.

And regardless of how fucking hard it is, we are absolutely living the dream, although it’s been redefined over and over.

It’s our dream.

About the writer

Alison Chrun is a wife and mother of two who writes about parenting, relationships and self-development on her blog Appetite for Honesty. She's a mental health rehabilitation specialist who is currently receiving her Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Find her on Facebook and Twitter.


Vany 8 months ago

Yesterday, hubby and I were talking about how hard it was the first months of parenting and how we definetly don’t want to go back there ever again.
It’s been one year, and we are just starting date again, go outside with friends, and thinking about ourselves. I think for the first time in almost two years in sexy lingerie.
Definetly it’s hard to stay together and remember who we were before kids. But, working hard, we can face it and fix it. And live the new dream (the one that includes family vacations and chocolate batter moustaches).

Sharon 8 months ago

I am on the other side of parenting – grown kids, empty nest, and I can say with certainty that there is so much to look forward to. Enjoy your kids but when it gets tough remember that someday it will just be the two of you again, and it will be awesome!

Emma 8 months ago

yup. we actually stopped at one so that we could keep it together because it is really hard.

Mw 8 months ago

My husband completely changed after we had our first kid. Now we have two. It’s so hard to feel like the person who was supposed to always be in your corner just doesn’t want to put in the necessary work that parenting entails a lot of the time.

Krissy 8 months ago

You must have been reading my mind when you wrote this, I only hope that we can make it out of the fog.

Jenn 8 months ago

Somehow, this was never an issue with myself and my DH. We had a child early on in the relationship and waited 6 years before the next. Even now with a VERY strong willed, theatrical diva daughter, and a colicky newborn, we still seem to find loads of time in the day for each other. Just as some as a quick hug and kiss when walking into the room, making the meals together, snuggling during those precious goes of sleep, holding hands in the car and saying “I love you” and a sincere “Thank you” when you each help each other out. Those moments of intimate touching and words of admiration and respect keep our relationship thriving with minimal effort. We still act like the teenagers we were when we met, 8 years, 3 moves and 2 kids later :)

Sarah 8 months ago

Anonymous -I don’t think the author is writing just to complain. I think she’s just being honest about how children can put a strain on a marriage. It seems like she already has gone through her own issues and she managed to make her marriage last. I would prefer a therapist that has had their own experiences.

Tina 8 months ago

These articles make me so happy I married in my late 30s.

Anon 8 months ago

Anytime I think about wanting to have kids I read scarymommy articles and I realize how much better I think my life and marriage will be. Between the extra time to devote to each other and significantly less stress our marriage only continues to get stronger. I’m so glad that people take the time to write the truth of the hardships of children. I love researching decisions before hand and I think scarymommy is as real as it gets. The only thing I ever hear is how it’s the best thing ever and never any of the downsides… until after someone gets pregnant or has the baby, then all if the horror stories come out.

Anonymous 8 months ago

The author is going to be a marriage and family therapist but complaining about how hard marriage is with kids? Maybe she has to go through her own shit before taking on clients so she can help them better.

Eva 8 months ago

My little one is 4 weeks and I’m dreading the six week mark because sex is the last thing I want to do right now. Good to know that I’m not the only one who thinks like this. Thanks for sharing!

Brittany 8 months ago

From parents everywhere – THANK YOU!

Nuru 8 months ago

I love this! DH and I have been together for 12+ years and it’s hard not to say FUCK IT sometimes and walk but I choose him and us and to work on myself and us EVERY DAMN DAY because what we have is great and great doesn’t just happen.

Tim Alanis 8 months ago

This is pretty much exact. I have to be honest, i don’t read many of these articles. The topic is close to home and denial is, sometimes, my favorite advocate. I will pass this one on to my wife. It is nice to know our feelings are justified. Nice work Allison!


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