Matt Bellassai Explains Why Some Parents Are The WORST

Everyone’s favorite whiner explains why some parents suck

If you’ve yet to be blessed with one of Matt Bellassai’s rants, you’re in for a treat. Bellassai got his start at Buzzfeed, with a weekly video segment called Whine About It, where he got drunk and complained about all the things he hates. Did you get that? Bellassai actually convinced his bosses at Buzzfeed to pay him for getting drunk on the job and complaining, so he’s basically our hero and overlord.

He now has his own podacast called Unhappy Hour, and no longer works for Buzzfeed. Instead, he does his own segments called, To Be Honest, where — you guessed it — he gets drunk and complains about things. This week he unleashes on bad parents. Warning: do not watch this with your mouth full, lest you choke to death or spit your afternoon coffee all over your children or co-workers.

“Not everyone’s children can be special. For every talented, gifted child in the world, there’s got to be at least 50 kids who’ve gotten a peanut M&M lodged in one of their body holes.”

Yup. Co-sign.

“You can call your little piglet special all you want KAREN, but he still eats fistfuls of sand on the school bus every morning. And he likes it.”

Aw, Karen. It’s okay.

“Then there’s those parents who can’t tell their children, “NO.” You’re out here creating tiny, terrifying monsters all because you can’t tell your haunted doll of a child he can’t have another scoop of ice cream. Great. GREAT.”

To be fair, he doesn’t have his own yet so he doesn’t understand what happens when your haunted doll of a child turns on you.

“Next, there’s those parents who are way too into their children’s sports. Nobody cares about children’s sports. Children’s sports is like watching a bunch of pigeons eat bread.”

CHILDREN’S SPORTS IS LIKE WATCHING A BUNCH OF PIGEONS EAT BREAD. Never has there been a better analogy.

Keep the rants coming, Matt.