January 8 is National Bubble Bath Day! This is how moms across the country will be celebrating this very important holiday with a little “me time”:
Step 1: Announce to everyone in your home to leave you alone because you’re taking a bubble bath right now to celebrate.
Step 2: Spend 10 minutes pulling every plastic toy out of the bathtub.
Step 3: Notice that some of these toys are full of moldy water, bring them down to the kitchen, and put them by the sink to disinfect.
Step 4: Go back upstairs to find a kid pooping in the bathroom where the now-empty tub resides and evacuate, because OMG what the hell did that poor child eat?!
Step 5: Get asked 1,200 questions by your toddler.
Step 6: Decide to throw in a load of laundry while the bathroom airs out.
Step 7: Go upstairs to the bathroom, look for bubble bath while spraying Febreze in bathroom. Don’t find it.
Step 8: Rummage around your room, hoping to find some dusty bottle of bubble bath your husband got you many Valentine’s Days ago.
Step 9: Go back into the bathroom and realize your son never flushed. Flush and light a candle (or 12).
Step 10: Open window.
Step 11: Smell smoke, run downstairs to see your tween burning a Pop-Tart in the toaster.
Step 12: Cook new Pop-Tart, forbid children from cooking, leaving the house, or doing anything dangerous for at least the next 30 minutes.
Step 13: Go into the bathroom, grab the bubble gum no tears kid’s foaming soap and use it to make bubbles, because dammit, you will take a bath today.
Step 14: Answer 75 more questions from the toddler who followed you upstairs.
Step 15: Banish all offspring from bathroom, strip down, get in tub.
Step 16: Get out 90 seconds later because doing the laundry used up most of the hot water and now you hear the kids fighting in the kitchen.
Step 17: Mark your calendar for January 8 next year, because oh, you have big plans to celebrate next time. Damn right you do!