Karen Alpert
Latest posts by Karen Alpert (see all)
- 10 Ways Birthday Parties Suck - April 22, 2013
- 10 (OK, 9) Things You Really Don’t Need For Baby - February 3, 2013
- Men CAN experience what it’s like to have a baby. Kinda. Sorta. - January 28, 2013
Okay, so this week like a million people (fine, I exaggerate, a half million) have sent me this video of these two DJ guys getting strapped up to some weird ass machine that simulates what it’s like to be in labor. F’ing hysterical. I mean, what’s not funny about two grown men lying in bed together screaming curse words (They’re speaking some other language so I can’t really understand them, but I imagine the subtitles would be something like: Fuck, Shit, Damn, Shit, Women are so F’ing amazing for going through this, Fuck, Damn, I’m so glad I don’t have a vaginaaaaa!)
Here’s the whole video, but really you can just click to like halfway through and you’ll see a quick snippet of how macho they are.
Hysterical, right?! But SUCH A JOKE. Do you seriously think this even comes close to what it’s like to be pregnant or in labor?! Men crack me up. And by crack me up I mean piss me off. But hey, I don’t want to leave you all hanging. I get it. You watch us go through it, you listen to our bitching, you think you’re all macho and shit and you really want to see for yourself what it’s like. So here you go. Here are ten things a man can do to kinda sorta see what being pregnant and having a baby is really like:
1. Step one, get 50 hardboiled eggs. Step two, eat them all. Step three, don’t lie on the floor or vomit. Go about your day with your ginormous, protruding, exploding food baby and a nauseous feeling that makes you want to lay your face against any cold tile floor even if you’re in one of those nasty ass gas station restrooms you need a key for, a key that’s attached to a license plate and covered in invisible fecal matter. Step four, repeat every single day for 9 months.
2. For one week straight you’re going on a strict diet. No, not pickles and ice cream jackass. You wish! All you’re going to eat is bananas and cheese until every time you have to go to the bathroom you’re in there for like twenty hours only to poop out the tiniest little miniscule rabbit turd that’s harder than a diamond. Oh yeah, and you’re anemic so go take some iron pills to make it even worse.
3. Go get a grape and put it in your tush hole and leave it there and walk around with it there all day. Wait, and put some Tabasco on it before you put it there so it burns. Welcome to hemorrhoidville.
4. Okay, now it’s time to gorge. Chocolate, hamburgers, greasy French fries, funnel cake. No, I don’t know where the F you can get funnel cake this time of year, but get it. And when you’re done gorging, slather your face with olive oil and then go to bed. And when you wake up slather it with baby oil. And when your face looks like that of a 13-year-old boy going through puberty with the entire Rocky Mountain range of whiteheads ready to explode all over the bathroom mirror, mission accomplished.
5. Wow, by now you must be getting pretty tired. Eh eh eh, ixnay on the affeine-cay. Quit thinking about your own damn self and think about that egg baby in your belly! It’s only 8 o’clock, but you are tireder than you’ve ever been. Time for bed. But every time you start to fall asleep someone’s going to kick you in your belly. Yeahhh, it sucks being an inside out piñata all night long, doesn’t it?
6. Since there’s no way to make your man boobs bigger (and besides, then you’d probably just feel yourself up all day long), let’s see what it’s like to breastfeed once you have your little poop machine (Yeah yeah yeah, I know, not if you get a lactation consultant and you’re doing it right, but no one F’ing does it right at first. Fine, a few bitchy people who will write comments about how for them breastfeeding was like unicorns kissing their nipples, but the vast majority of women do not find the experience to be so magical). Okay, gentlemen, so here are the items you are going to need: Vice clamps, a blowtorch, pins, needles, acid and a baby alligator. Apply all to your nipples at once for about a week. Don’t worry, it gets better after that.
7. Okay, let’s back up again to how glorious it feels to be preggers. Go into your wife’s closet, assuming she’s smaller than you, and wear her pants for the next six months. And if you can’t zipper your pants all the way up just pull your shirt down over them so no one can see and then keep hiking them up all day long as you walk around. And you should also go buy your shoes a size too small and put them on. Whoa whoa whoa, WTF do you think you’re doing? You can’t lean over. Remember you’re like totally preggers and your big ass belly is in the way. Awww, you can’t do it without leaning over? Guess it’s time to wear flip-flops. Yeah, even if it’s like negative 200 degrees outside. Whoever came up with the phrase barefoot and pregnant was totally right because your feet retain like everything you drink and you can’t F’ing wear your shoes anymore.
8. Well this is a tough one. Where the hell is it socially unacceptable for men to have hair? Because when I was preggers, I had like 9 new whiskers growing out of my chin. Fine, it was a beard. Anyways, since that would be totally normal for men, let’s pick a body part where it wouldn’t be cool. Your nose. And that’s where I want you to sprinkle the Rogaine, or spray it or slather it or however you apply that shit. And when at least nine hairs have sprouted from your schnoz (schnozz? schnauz?), bingo, success!
9. Hmmm, now if only you had a small hole that a baby could barely fit out of. Wait, you do! Yup, but since your hole is just a wee bit smaller than ours I’m not going to tell you to push a bowling ball out of it. Nahhh, that wouldn’t be fair. I think a baseball is probably about the right size relatively speaking. I don’t know how you’re gonna do it, but somehow you have to figure out a way to drink a baseball and pee it out. What’s that you say? You want drugs? Sure, you can have some, oh no, wait, you didn’t ask soon enough so it’s too late.
10. Hmmm, let’s see, what’s the place with like the worst fluorescent lighting you can think of? Oh I know, Toys R Us. Oh no wait, Walmart. Yeah, so here’s what I want you to do, gentlemen. Head on over to your local Walmart, strip down to nothing (do it quickly so they won’t stop you, I mean, they won’t even sell songs with curse words so I’m pretty sure they’re not okay with a nekked man in the middle of the store). Then lie down in the Jesus-on-the-cross position in the middle of the aisle and let everyone go about their business around you. Yup, totally naked with your fat splayed out like pancakes. Now that’s what it’s like to have a c-section. Of course, you also get your FUPA sliced open, but I don’t think we can simulate that, unless you want to do this all in the hunting section (I’m assuming Walmart has one) and see if any hunters want to fillet you.
And there you go. Now that’s what it’s like to be preggers and have a baby. Kinda. Sorta. Nahhh, not even close.
{ 72 comments… read them below or add one }
Poor men. They just never had a chance in hell of measuring up. No wonder they muscled us down and took over the world. ;)
Very funny post!
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I peed my pants, this made me laugh so hard. I will definitely have to share this….. I didnt even watch the video, your words hit the freaking nail on the head!
Men are such puds.
You forgot the part where every freaking person wants to know the gender and due date and “how you’re feeling?”. Some of these strangers must touch you. And that your pregnancy shirts don’t fit those last two weeks. And that due date, it ain’t firm…
Oh I just laughed! You left out all the super fantastic sex dreams you have when pregnant and how totally unrealistic they are. And the awkward strangers touching your belly. And people lecturing you on how you are already fucking your kid up because instead of reading to her in the womb, you just turn up the daily show with jon stewart a bit louder.
that video is hilarious (but you’re still funnier Karen!!) #6 is THE BEST – baby alligator – thats what i called the newbies!! thx for the laugh!!
Rolfing!!!! Too funny! Those poor guys…ya right they have no clue! You should have added that its real fun to push the little sucker out when your epidural quit working and they don’t have time to replace it since the baby’s head is crowning!! Ya that was me :( I almost broke DH hand! Thanks for a great laugh!!
Hilarious!
Absolutely fucking hilarious! This is exactly what I thought every time I saw the video!!!
I skipped the video until after their laughing, which just pissed me off. But then it got better! This should totally be mandatory for all fathers-to-be. LOL
Lmao! And this is why we love you. No man will EVER come close to knowing what it’s like! Don’t forget the cold ultrasound jelly, tryin to sleep at night but can’t cuz your insides are all scattered, and the number of doctors and nurses that get to see your private parts lol. Your modesty clearly goes out the window when you have kids.
Oh my GOD!! I was laughing so hard I was crying!! Seriously! Tears were streaming down my face and at times I couldn’t continue reading because I couldn’t see through the tears!! Well done!! Now I need to forward this blog post on to everyone I know!
The best part of the video I watched, was when the dark haired gentleman gives up!!!!!!!!!
This is labor you don’t get to just give up and walk away!!!
I wasn’t able to breastfeed due to reduction surgery, but I’ve heard enough stories. I almost peed my pants when I came to the phrase, “unicorns kissing your nipples”!
That all sounds about right! Don’t forget about the strangers feeling up your belly though. That’s a real treat.
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Hilarious!!
This was awesome! Love it and totally sharing it!
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Love this!! You forgot leaky nipples. Leaky nipples are not to be missed. And the bloody carnage post-partum…immediately post-partum…that “Carrie”-like trip to the bathroom. You are awesome!
The unicorn kisses slayed me, too.
My first pregnancy was not that bad, but from my second I would have to add this experience for the fellas: Stick a dried out turd the size of a softball up your butt then have your mother-in-law give you two enemas to help get it out. Ah, the glamour of motherhood!
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The worst for me was having to take the long way around whenever I wanted to change sides for sleeping in bed, but this is hilarious. The hair on the nose has to be permanent though, because I know those effing chin whiskers are always springing up on my chin the day after I pluck them. And I swear the roots go right down to my toes.
I had actually forgotten about the greasy skin and zits, but I’ll be sure to bring them up the next time my kids are aggravating me.
My Half Assed Life recently posted..My Dad The Superstar, Adored By Many
As a native dutch speaker I can confirm that this video does indeed contain a lot “oh fuck Jesus this hurts” language. Best part are the midwives guiding them through though…
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..How to take of poopy pants without making a huge mess
Haha, you nailed it.
Oh my God. Yes. Also, don’t forget the magical experience of heartburn so brutal you wake up in the middle of the night choking on it because you just aspirated it, and you can’t find your asthma inhaler because it’s the middle of the night and you’re pregnant and you can’t think.
*snort* the grape in the poop hole with hot sauce.
Post-baby I still cannot get rid of the whiskers! This shit isn’t funny. But thankfully, your post was! Loved it!
They probably think it gets better when you have more kids! With my 3rd son, I was in labor for 14 hrs ( I think because
I screamed all night kept the new moms, babes and staff awake) they gave me gas. When I woke up ,my new roomie said how glad she was that the screaming woman finally delivered and I smiled and agreed.
LOL! Dying from laughter. “Go get a grape and put it in your tush hole” might be the funniest thing I’ve read all day!
Pregnancy is a piece of cake. Everyone knows women collectively exaggerate to try and make it seem like it is rough. ;)
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Uh-oh, Jack. Watch your back. ;)
Can we get the man one large beer and an XL kidney stone please……
I love how the “labor” experience only lasted 2 hours. Ha! Ha! There may be one or two women on the planet who have been lucky enough to have two hour labors, but talk about unrealistic expectations. Mine were 26 and 36 hours! No epidural. Still, I managed not to scream like a little boy. I was silent as a mouse until I was pushing that baby out, and then it was more of a roar than a scream…
The real trick of labor is the fact that you haven’t slept in a week, and sleeping will be out of the question for the day or so of pain you will have to endure. Two hours is just a drop in the bucket.
And don’t forget afterpains! A kick when you are down for sure. You think you are done; you are exhausted and just want to sleep. Then, surprise! More contractions! For a week! yay.
If you didn’t accept the pain then you shouldn’t have had kids. Unless you were forced to get pregnant you brought it on yourself.
Absolutely cracking up. LOVE this. Favorite part is the breast feeding step. Baby alligator. Laughing like a fool.
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This is hilarious!! I loved the bfing comment!! A baby alligator summed it up perfectly!!
women wishing men could know what its like to give labor is like middle school boys wishing girls could only know what its like to get kicked in the balls. not saying one is worse than the other. but, as much as i’m glad that i don’t have to go through all those negatives, there is something wildly awesome about giving birth to a child and i wish i could experience that part of it. and i know of lots of guys that have a little jealousy they’ll never get to know that very important part of the human experience.
now are there any girls out there that have any jealous or feel like they missed out because they’ll never know what its like to get a lewd one liner directed at a girl cut off by the surprise of her foot introducing you to an intimate knowlege of just how sensitive your kibbles and bits are? didn’t think so . . . . .
Science has actually proven that childbirth is more painful. And that is even not taking into consideration the differences in length of pain duration. Go look it up.
i don’t doubt it. but that’s like saying 2/7 is more than 1/2 just because the number of the top is greater. it’s more complicated than that. childbirth is painful, but the pain is only part of the equation. there’s the magic. the beauty. the accomplishment. the connection. the baby.
but when you get get racked – or when you skin your knee for that matter – the pain is the only part of the equation. so even if severe pain were less than childbirth, it still sucks. and when you get one in the balls – especially by a girl – there is alot of psychological anguish and shame that goes along with it. and i’m not boo hooing about it. to the contrary, i’m saying its lame when boys overdo the boo hooing about it – wishing it on girls, etc. i just roll my eyes when women say, “if you only knew . . . . ”
lifes unfair. my life is 10% shorter. and i got kicked in the balls when i was in middle school. at least your struggle got us this wonderful baby
That’s interesting…I’ve never heard or seen any man say they wanted to experience childbirth and all the associated pains that come with it. That’s like signing up for castration
i think it’s the opposite of signing up for castration. i mean, you’d be having a baby – one of the most significant events in the human experience. its the ultimate in creativity. its the ultimate in being connected to your most enduring legacy. it leaves no question as to a major part of the meaning of your life.
i’d endure the pain to experience that. and since i can’t, i’ve made sure i was as into the experience as much as i could be both times my wife gave birth.
I meant castration from a pain standpoint, not in terms of significance to your life. I’m absolutely going to be there for my wife through the whole process up to her giving birth but I wouldn’t want to experience that pain, regardless of how beautiful I think Pregnancy is
Agggh!!!!! I’m dyin’ over here! This is honestly the most hilarious post I have ever read on the Scary Mommy site. I want to pick a favorite from the list, but they are all so hysterical. I’m just going to go share the link all over creation instead. Gold!
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U forgot the itchy pups rash and peeing every 5 seconds for the rest of ur life and not being able to sit up in bed and staying fat for the rest of ur life.
But u did an awesome job :)
Wow, funny. Funny until you know someone who would give anything to experience these terrible things because they can’t get pregnant…..
LOVED this! LOVED!
Quick ‘n’ easy way to replicate labor pains? Heat a carving knife up until it’s white hot. Stick up ass and jab for 30 seconds. Stop. Repeat every two minutes. But walk around while this is going on so that it doesn’t stop or slow down. So. Fun.
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That is awesome! Thanks for sharing.
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This was the shiznet! Almost made me want to untie my tubes and have another one. I’d forgotten how blissful pregnancy and labor was! Will definitely share with every scary mommy I know!
This is amazing. I love your stuff. :) Wish I was this funny. :)
My 4th labor 19 hours of agony baby was in OP position facing the wrong way .. So about 10 x the pain level .. And they placed 4 epidurals and 1 spinal which none of them worked :( … Too many epidurals I now have scar tissue in my spine that blocks the liquid from going where is supposed to (had 17 epidurals/spinal before.less than 1.4% chances if this happening so pregnant ladies no need to panic .)
I didn’t think I’d make it through without a c-section (which I begged for after 12 hours) .. this is after having 3 babies 2 of which under 30 min( in active labor+ pushing) and one normal long labor but with epidural so comfortable.. Let’s just say I’m done ..
Can I divorce my husband and marry you, at least for the next 3 months of my pregnancy! LOL I love this post! I will admit I peed a little, maybe a lot, because I couldn’t stop laughing.
That video while entertaining does no justice to childbirth.
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I will obviously never have a baby. But you “such strong women” believe that your queens of the heavens because you girls can just do it all because you give birth. Suprise, im pretty sure 75% of women dread the day of having labor and are forced to do so. Its not a sport or a contest to see who could handle pain. If guys could give birth they would be forced to do it as well and just have to go through with the pain whether they liked it or not. Every body has a different kind of pain. Its pretty easy for woman to say oh we can give birth no problem when guys literally cant compare.. I respect woman but its so annoying to hear. Im pretty sure male or female, anyone would have strong pains and deal with the electrocutions in their own ways.
The treatment they’re receiving is called Russian Stim. I don’t know why, but I had to have it done on my quad to rebuild atrophying leg muscles. I’ve also been in labor and given birth. With four pads on the abdomen, the sensation actually may have been fairly close to contractions. Just sayin’.
This was great! I’ve heard that the only pain a man can go through that’s close to the pain of labor for women is passing a kidney stone. Also, in our childbirthing class they had us hold an ice pack in one hand for two minutes and said that what we endured during that is the closest they could get to simulating contractions for us. I couldn’t even hold the ice pack for the full time, after 30 seconds I was like “I’m done”.
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I am pretty sure that this is the most amazingly funny (and TRUE), thing I have ever read…….I just love it! Lol……
This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read! :D
Is that it? Where do I sign up?
Just kidding, I couldn’t even look when my wife got the epidural. F***k that needle, yo. I’m a huge weenie, and not afraid to admit my wife has bigger nuts than me.
Love it, Karen!
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Thank you Karen!! I just busted out laughing in my office and have my co-workers looking at me like I’m crazy! This is hilarious!!
I don’t want to have kids of my own when I’m grown up. My mom keeps pressuring me to change my mind. At church the women often have a lot of children and are always talking about how its so wonderful but I refuse to buy into that bullshit. So looked this up I’m already unhappy with my body now why the hell would I want to make it worse?! I can just give a child that needs a home and better life instead of going through all that crap.
All
You bitches had ur opportunities to be dyke bitches
Yeah, What are a few other things they left out of the labour? A kidney infection should adequately simulate the back labour that does NOT let up between contractions, Epicac to give them projectile vomiting in the middle of an intense contraction, someone unrelentingly trying to dislocate their hips while pulling their pelvis apart, a poorly placed IV, a steady supply of liquid jello applied to their crouch to simulate the leaking bag of waters, and what else? Oh yeah, make it last for 18 hours, NOT TWO! Not bitter. :)
On behalf of women everywhere, I love you.
This is great. :D
Assuming you have a normal pregnancy.
Personally, my baby was way too little.
They had to do a intro-vaginal ultrasound every other time.
I also had the worst form of morning sickness ever.
24-7 vomiting for 8 months. I lost 38lbs while pregnant.
In the hospital on bed rest nearly the whole year.
Since I was 17, that meant graduating from school too.
Both the baby and I came out skeletal at the end.
Oh boy, add a uterine prolapse to that.
Imagine! Your organs ACTUALLY falling out.
You forgot about stretch marks and sagging boobs too.
I second the breast feeding part.
First of all- go fuck yourself. If you don’t want to experience pregnancy and childbirth, don’t get pregnant. Which shouldn’t be too difficult since I don’t know a single man alive who would fuck you and your vile attitude. Second of all, not all men take lightly what women go through during pregnancy, so don’t lump us all together. You have a terrible outlook on everything related to pregnancy and childbirth that I pray you are never blessed with any. And lastly- don’t bother replying to this post or adding a rebuttal because I won’t read it. You disgust me. Fuck yourself.
So glad I found your blog that totally just made my day! Though you forgot men should have to stuff their jelly fish stung swollen feet into shoes 3 sizes to small to experience our swollen feet!
Thanks for the laugh
I tried reading this out loud to my husband (I am 6 months with #2) and I could not make it through the first four without uncontrollable laughter. Eventually I couldn’t see through the tears and had to take a break. Quite possibly the funniest thing I have read. ever.
I had to stop reading this at work because I was laughing so hard my coworkers could tell I wasn’t really sorting the year end accounts. #2 had me in stitches – I honestly feel I haven’t pooped properly in so long that all it’s going to take is one hard jostle on the bus to make me explode in public like the world’s worst pinata.
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I will say that I believe as a man I have experienced something along the lines of the pain of giving birth. I was kneed so hard, that my left testical was shattered into 4 pieces and than surrounded in a hemotoma the size of a grapefruit.
Interesting to see this writer and so many women relish in sexism and the bitter and hateful comments against men. Really? Funny, my wife wimped out so badly during the pregnancy and the birth that her OBGYN – a woman – turned to me and asked me if I would like to give a shot at having the next one. It is really time to get over the blaming and gender-bashing and try to come to grips with shared responsibility for the way life is. Funny how men are to blame for the distant past, the recent past, and even now in the USA with all the power women have, we still seem to be to blame for everything bad, whereas women are the source of all good things. Sad. Lame. Really setting the bar lowwww.
This isn’t about bashing men. This is about the husbands, boyfriends, brothers, and male friends that look at us like we are crazy when we say, “No, I can’t do that,” during pregnancy. My husband says to me all the time, “You use that as an excuse for everything.” No, actually, I don’t. I do a lot of things that are uncomfortable and even painful, but some things I just can not do, like carrying a basket of clothes up the steps (my balance is way off, one wrong step and I’m tumbling backwards), doing 3 days worth of dishes (I’ll do the dishes if you cook, but if I cook two nights in a row and you don’t do them, and then you cook, I’m still not doing them because I can’t stand two feet away from the sink and bend over for half an hour. ten minutes? sure.) I can’t reach the shit you put on the top shelf that I used to stand on my tip toes and reach just fine. Again, I have to stand 2 feet away from the counter, which makes it even further to reach. My arms didn’t grow, just my uterus. I can’t walk as fast as I used to, so stop running away from me in the store and then getting mad when you can’t find me. I don’t blame my husband for me being pregnant, it was a decision we both made together. But it is nice to share this article with him so he can see in terms he can understand just what I’m going through, so the next time I ask him, “Honey, can you do this, I really can’t.” He knows, I really can’t do it.
that is so funny, loved every word, yea men think they know what its like but it doesnt even come close, idk who made this but they need a medel or something, could not stop laughing, and i was a little upset at the same time, you forgot a few things in between, but you hit the basis, your good, along with everyones comments, they wrapped it up.. loved it, and women have the power, and the pants in the relationship.. my dad even gives me hard times about me haveing my son, i thought i did pretty good, thats okay, i wasnt the one that had a fractured hand whenever i left the hospital that night he did, lol.. thats what you get, love you daddy.. well grandpa… lol.. anywho, loved it and you did any awsome job whoever you are..
Wow. You’ve just made something that over 1 trillion women throughout history have experienced, into a whiny hate-spewed diatribe. Nature designed you this way! As a female scientist I have critically analyzed every part of your argument considering for and opposing views and I can not conclude that your evidence is compelling or has merit. I urge you to find your inner self that might have some happiness left, center your very being around it, and hold on tight!
They forgot the most important electrode….the one that they should have have between their scrotum and anus…because labour isn’t just in the abdomen…you feel it in your perineum too!!! Now That would have been funny!!
You know, I read the full list of comments here and I must point out, if being pregnant and having a baby is so terrible just stop doing it. I have never asked a woman if I could make her pregnant, never. I have dated women that poked holes in condoms, tried to freeze my specimen (I do not know how they gathered and transferred it) and begged me to “make a baby”. I’m sure labor sucks, however, I’ve been shot and stabbed, I know women that have been either shot and stabbed. They seemed to enjoy that less than labor and rated it higher on the pain scale. It’s been 100000 years this has been going on. I get it, really. I do, women can make babies. Congratulations. Maybe find something else to brag about for the next millennium?
Getting pregnant and having a child are choices for the most part (with the obvious exceptions of rape or incest). If childbirth is SO horrible than simply DON’T DO IT! There are a wide variety of birth control options available today so it isn’t too hard. More and more men are choosing to get a vasectomy at younger ages so we don’t have to deal with some surprise. The fact is, nobody is putting a gun behind your head to have a baby. So, as so many women are quick to say when men complain about something, WOMAN-UP AND SHUT THE HELL UP!!
I LOVE THEM EXPERENCE 27 HOURS OF LABOR LIKE I DID WITH MY DAUGHTER AND PUSH A SEVEN POUND 3 ONCE 22 INCH BABY FOR ONE HOUR STRAIGHT DRUG FREE.THEN I HAD TWIN BOYS 11 MONTHS LATER DRUG FREE AND LABORED FOR 15 HOURS STRAIGHT AND PUSHED FOR TWO HOURS STRAIGHT TWO SEVEN POUND BABIES OUT OF ME.MY HUSBAND SAID IAM A FEMALE WARRIOR TO GIVE BIRTH TWICE IN ONE YEAR.I AM IN LABOR RIGHT NOW AT BIRTH CENTER WITH MY HUSBAND WITH OUR BABY GIRL.I JUST GOT DONE MY LABOR 4 HOURS LONG NINE POUND BABY GIRL.I AM DONE HAVING KIDS.IAM MOM OF 3 YEAR OLD AND 2 YEAR OLD TWINS AND NEWBORN GIRL.