1. Step one, get 50 hardboiled eggs. Step two, eat them all. Step three, don’t lie on the floor or vomit. Go about your day with your ginormous, protruding, exploding food baby and a nauseous feeling that makes you want to lay your face against any cold tile floor even if you’re in one of those nasty ass gas station restrooms you need a key for, a key that’s attached to a license plate and covered in invisible fecal matter. Step four, repeat every single day for 9 months.
2. For one week straight you’re going on a strict diet. No, not pickles and ice cream jackass. You wish! All you’re going to eat is bananas and cheese until every time you have to go to the bathroom you’re in there for like twenty hours only to poop out the tiniest little miniscule rabbit turd that’s harder than a diamond. Oh yeah, and you’re anemic so go take some iron pills to make it even worse.
3. Go get a grape and put it in your tush hole and leave it there and walk around with it there all day. Wait, and put some Tabasco on it before you put it there so it burns. Welcome to hemorrhoidville.
4. Okay, now it’s time to gorge. Chocolate, hamburgers, greasy French fries, funnel cake. No, I don’t know where the F you can get funnel cake this time of year, but get it. And when you’re done gorging, slather your face with olive oil and then go to bed. And when you wake up slather it with baby oil. And when your face looks like that of a 13-year-old boy going through puberty with the entire Rocky Mountain range of whiteheads ready to explode all over the bathroom mirror, mission accomplished.
5. Wow, by now you must be getting pretty tired. Eh eh eh, ixnay on the affeine-cay. Quit thinking about your own damn self and think about that egg baby in your belly! It’s only 8 o’clock, but you are tireder than you’ve ever been. Time for bed. But every time you start to fall asleep someone’s going to kick you in your belly. Yeahhh, it sucks being an inside out piñata all night long, doesn’t it?
6. Since there’s no way to make your man boobs bigger (and besides, then you’d probably just feel yourself up all day long), let’s see what it’s like to breastfeed once you have your little poop machine (Yeah yeah yeah, I know, not if you get a lactation consultant and you’re doing it right, but no one F’ing does it right at first. Fine, a few bitchy people who will write comments about how for them breastfeeding was like unicorns kissing their nipples, but the vast majority of women do not find the experience to be so magical). Okay, gentlemen, so here are the items you are going to need: Vice clamps, a blowtorch, pins, needles, acid and a baby alligator. Apply all to your nipples at once for about a week. Don’t worry, it gets better after that.
7. Okay, let’s back up again to how glorious it feels to be preggers. Go into your wife’s closet, assuming she’s smaller than you, and wear her pants for the next six months. And if you can’t zipper your pants all the way up just pull your shirt down over them so no one can see and then keep hiking them up all day long as you walk around. And you should also go buy your shoes a size too small and put them on. Whoa whoa whoa, WTF do you think you’re doing? You can’t lean over. Remember you’re like totally preggers and your big ass belly is in the way. Awww, you can’t do it without leaning over? Guess it’s time to wear flip-flops. Yeah, even if it’s like negative 200 degrees outside. Whoever came up with the phrase barefoot and pregnant was totally right because your feet retain like everything you drink and you can’t F’ing wear your shoes anymore.
8. Well this is a tough one. Where the hell is it socially unacceptable for men to have hair? Because when I was preggers, I had like 9 new whiskers growing out of my chin. Fine, it was a beard. Anyways, since that would be totally normal for men, let’s pick a body part where it wouldn’t be cool. Your nose. And that’s where I want you to sprinkle the Rogaine, or spray it or slather it or however you apply that shit. And when at least nine hairs have sprouted from your schnoz (schnozz? schnauz?), bingo, success!
9. Hmmm, now if only you had a small hole that a baby could barely fit out of. Wait, you do! Yup, but since your hole is just a wee bit smaller than ours I’m not going to tell you to push a bowling ball out of it. Nahhh, that wouldn’t be fair. I think a baseball is probably about the right size relatively speaking. I don’t know how you’re gonna do it, but somehow you have to figure out a way to drink a baseball and pee it out. What’s that you say? You want drugs? Sure, you can have some, oh no, wait, you didn’t ask soon enough so it’s too late.
10. Hmmm, let’s see, what’s the place with like the worst fluorescent lighting you can think of? Oh I know, Toys R Us. Oh no wait, Walmart. Yeah, so here’s what I want you to do, gentlemen. Head on over to your local Walmart, strip down to nothing (do it quickly so they won’t stop you, I mean, they won’t even sell songs with curse words so I’m pretty sure they’re not okay with a nekked man in the middle of the store). Then lie down in the Jesus-on-the-cross position in the middle of the aisle and let everyone go about their business around you. Yup, totally naked with your fat splayed out like pancakes. Now that’s what it’s like to have a c-section. Of course, you also get your FUPA sliced open, but I don’t think we can simulate that, unless you want to do this all in the hunting section (I’m assuming Walmart has one) and see if any hunters want to fillet you.
And there you go. Now that’s what it’s like to be preggers and have a baby. Kinda. Sorta.
Nahhh, not even close.