The Miracle of Life through Inappropriate Crafting – Scary Mommy

The Miracle of Life through Inappropriate Crafting

Dreading the whole miracle of life talk? Relax, I’ve got you covered!

Today I’m going to teach you how to make a reversible felt vagina. Why reversible you ask? Because this isn’t just a vagina, it’s a Beaver Baby, a vagucational tool used to answer the age old question of “Mom, where do babies come from?”

Simply throw your kid one of these and quickly leave the room.  Voila!  You just skipped the whole uncomfortable conversation.

You’re welcome.

beaverbabybirth-1

Tutorial Steps:

Step 1: Go to your local fabric store and purchase various colors of felt, thread, and some fuzzy “hair-like” material.  If you want to personalize your Beaver Baby, make sure to select materials based on your skin tone, hair color, and pubes. Take all of your purchases to the cutting counter and click your heels three times while saying,  “please don’t ask me what I’m making, please don’t ask me what I’m making, please don’t ask me what I’m making”. It worked for me.

 

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Step 2: Next, you’ll need to create a template by cutting an oval out of a piece of cardboard. My oval was about 6×4 inches.

Step 3: Ok, honestly, this is where my tutorial went to shit. I used the oval to cut stuff, I adjusted, I fudged things. In the end, I wasn’t happy with my vagina (yeah, I’ve said that before). The labia didn’t line up with the back of the baby and I forgot to add a clitoris. The clitoris, people!  How could I forget the damn clitoris??!?! Listen, I don’t want to give you crappy, half-assed directions so I need to work on this a bit more and come up with a pattern that you can download. In the meantime, I’ll explain the rest of the process…

Step 4: Let’s pretend that you have it all assembled and sewn together.  We’re now going to move on to the “pubic hair application” phase. I thought long and hard about the type of glue I should use to adhere the pubes to the felt. And even after all that thinking, I made a very unfortunate decision… Today’s science lesson: When super glue is applied to materials made of cotton or wool, it results in a powerful, rapid exothermic reaction and the heat released may cause minor burns or ignite the material. SON OF A BITCH! Tip: Make sure you cook dinner before doing this step. The “pubic hair” wouldn’t come off my fingers…but it found its way into the grilled cheese.

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Step 5: Fingers are burnt, labia is misaligned…this tutorial sucks. Let’s skip to the final product. TADA!

These make great gifts for gender reveal parties, the lucky grandparents, your weird friend from college, or the new mom that has everything, including a sense of humor.

Oh, and make sure to keep an eye out for my next tutorial, C-Section Baby!