OK, I’m just going to say it: Parenting can be downright disgusting. As soon as your slimy little one squirms out of you, you’ll be dealing with all manner of excrement on a daily basis. And because babies and childcare is so relentless, you end up doing all sorts of lazy and wasteful things just to stay somewhat functional — all that on top of dealing with your daily dose of gross.
So I’m going to do us all a favor and air some of my most dirty laundry so that we can all take a breath and realize how very normal it all is. I think we’ll all feel a lot better. At least I will, even if I end up embarrassing myself terribly along with way.
So here are the most horrific, totally inefficient things I do when I’m too tired to care:
1. I throw out the entire Tupperware with the spoiled food.
Sometimes I know something is so far gone just by looking at it, so there is no sense even opening it, or taking a whiff. Into the trash it goes, Tupperware and all.
2. I used pull-ups for way too long just because I’m too lazy to teach my kid how to use public toilets.
My second child had been potty trained for months at home, but it took me forever to be ready to deal with public toilets, bringing a change of clothes everywhere I went, and out-of-the-house accidents. So I just didn’t. Pull-ups for the win.
3. I wore spit-up stained clothes out of the house like it’s high fashion.
I mean, I did wipe the spit up off my shirt. Come on, I’m not that gross. But I didn’t change my shirt or anything. I wouldn’t go that far, especially since the kid will puke on me again in an hour anyway.
4. I ordered takeout when I’d just gone grocery shopping.
Grocery shopping is an all-day affair around here with the insane volumes of food that my kids consume. Once I go to the store, shop, get all the bags into the house and unpacked, I feel as though I’ve run a marathon. No way in hell I’m going to cook.
5. I toss clothes and linens that have been puked or pooped on.
Sometimes it’s just too disgusting to keep. If I can’t look at it or smell it for one more second, there’s no way I’m going to try clean it out before throwing it into the laundry.
6. I ditched the baby clippers and clipped their nails with my teeth.
I don’t use nail clippers on my babies. And I don’t usually use them on my toddlers either. One quick bite and you can gently peel the rest off with your fingers.
7. I use paper towels for EVERYTHING.
Paper towels are amazing. I don’t even keep a broom around, usually. I use paper towels to wipe up all manner of spilled food. And although I always keep cloth towels and rags around for clean-up, I use paper towels for anything remotely sticky or gross (which is basically everything when you have kids).
8. I often just trash kids’ leftover food.
I mean, sometimes it’s probably worth it to stick the last two nuggets in a Tupperware for next time, but who am I kidding? I throw out plenty of perfectly good food because I’m too lazy to package it up. Also, I never know if my kids will eat things reheated — totally hit or miss on that one.
9. I wear the same bra for two weeks, because laundry.
I have two black sports bras that I practically live in (though when I’m home, I’ll be damned if I wear a bra at all). They are on rotation, but sometimes neither one makes it into that week’s laundry. Oops.
10. I sometimes bathe my kids with baby wipes.
Paper towels and baby wipes are in fierce competition for my most prized mom possession. But baby wipes definitely win for bath time substitutes — for my kids and me.
11. If my kids pees in bed, I just put a towel on the spot and go back to sleep.
Does anyone actually change the sheets in the middle of the night? Tell me. I’d really like to know.
There, I’m done, though I’m probably missing a few. But boy, do I feel better getting all that off my chest. Have I totally embarrassed myself? Probably. But honestly, I’m too tired to care. And I’d rather have my sanity than any ounce of dignity.