Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Lindsay is a former mommy’s worst nightmare turned suburban mommy of the year. She spends most of her kid-free time trying to plan what to do with her kid-free time, but when she can get her act together and put a solid plan in place, she enjoys her own form of therapy which is writing about her tantrums, epiphanies and rants on being a parent. Laugh with her, or even just at her on Facebook or her blog, Where’s the fcking mommy manual?
Ladies and Gentlemen, Momies and Daddies, Kids of All Ages: Although the 2012 Olympics have come to an end, the 2012 Mommy Olympics are still going strong. May the best Mommy win.This year’s events shall include the following…
Freestyle Food Shopping: Push a shopping cart filled with a fifty pound child, bread, milk, eggs, and a box of Lucky Charms up and down each aisle of the supermarket while avoiding knocking down various displays of items. Bonus points if you remember to actually get the milk which was the reason you actually entered the store in the first place.
Aquatics: Wrangle your child, bribe them with whatever it takes to enter the tub, avoid a flood in the bathroom, keep their whining and screaming to a minimum and have them somehow end up dirt-free.
Early Morning Exit: make sure the child has been dressed in clean underwear and a shirt and pants that actually match, has brushed their teeth, combed their hair and eaten their breakfast. This must be completed in approximately five minutes since each and every morning is rushed, chaotic and extremely stressful.
Creative Cooking: Think up, shop for, prepare and and be ready to serve kid-friendly foods in a moment’s notice with backup plans A and B ready to go for when the first course of food the child requested gets rejected for no other reason than they simply changed their mind.
Exitless Bedtime: Get your child to bed with no more than six exits from their room once the lights have been turned out. Exit excuses for a glass of water, a seventeenth hug or assistance performing a search and recovery mission for a stuffed animal will not be tolerated and may be cause for disqualification.
Focused Driving: Able to safely operate a vehicle while juggling a minimum of 17,258 demands and requests from the children which shall begin the second the key enters the ignition.
Telephone Call Dash: Successfuly complete a phone call without being interrupted by your children, screaming at your children or simply being distracted by your children.
Good luck, Mommies.
Now go get that gold medal you deserve!
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Telephone Call Dash is impossible! Even if you lock yourself in your room. Because a locked door is an invitation to begin the pounding and shouting.
Absolutely adore this!
shannon recently posted..Ten Things (I Don’t Hate) About Me
Oh and don’t forget wrestling with your toddler to get clothes on them!
I agree!
I give up already.
Jessica recently posted..Why hellooooo anxiety
I’m going for Gold in Freestyle Food Shopping, but won’t even qualify in the Early Morning Exit event! Maybe in 4 more years…
Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom recently posted..Back to School? Yes, please!
Very funny! I wrote a post similar to this a couple weeks ago called the Mommyhood Olympics. Great minds think alike!
Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted..LINK UP WITH LINK’N BLOGS
Hailey isn’t quite 2 yet. She’s still sleeping in her crib, and she’s a good sleeper. We’ll see how well she stays in her toddler bed when she gets one for her birthday or Christmas. She loves bath time, so it’s easy to get her into the tub, get her clean, and get her out. It’s harder to get her dry and dressed for bed. She’s potty training, and she’d rather run around the house naked. So that’s the hardest part of our mornings as well. In the store, she tries to get out of the front of the cart. I don’t put her in the back because if she can reach a grocery item she will open and eat it on site. I cherish naptime and do most clening and calling then. I have an open door bathroom policy, not always by choice, but if I put the potty. Hair in the livingroom I can use the restroom Or make a phone call in peace.
This explains the day of mommies very good. Oh, you forgot one. Take a five second break to just go pee! If it takes any longer than that you are going to have the whole family watching and needing something.
Thanks for the smiles this morning and wishing you a great day in the wrestling match of being a mommy.
debbie
Creative Cooking – I get a gold for this because I simply refuse to serve anything besides what I’ve cooked. I tell my kids “The next meal is breakfast.” Thank you for being such a bitch, Kate Gosselin.
Exitless Bedtime – I get a gold for this too. My kids get one free pass and then I start kidnapping stuffed animals. “Stay in bed or Lamby GETS IT,” I say.
As for the others – I don’t even medal.
Kristen Mae recently posted..Cabinet Slammers and Screamers
Yeah, I pretty much fail. I’ll just leave well enough alone.
Stephanie recently posted..Revelation: Letting Go
Ha – this is great! I love the one about the early morning exit… why are we ALWAYS rushed, even if we start out with 15 minutes to spare? And I have to add battling a 2-year-old to clip his nails as a category too! :)
So true and funny!!!
Ashley recently posted..A new epidemic…asshole-ism
Damn. I’m out in the first round, having fallen off the balance beam of ALL THESE THINGS.
Arnebya recently posted..This Happened Exactly the Way It’s Written. Partially.
Focused driving? What is that like?
I am in last place in all of these.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..Two years ago, a friend of mine…
How about the pedestrian mall hurdles?
Try to walk from one end of the pedestrian shopping mall to the other with your toddler and not have your heart rate go over 120BPM. For entertainment I let my childless friends try this with my kids. Serious laughs.
Paul recently posted..A school career begins for Oscar
If the shirt and pants have to match, and you have to cook, and focus (on driving or anything else) I’m out of the competition. But I’m happy to cheer the team on!
Urban Mommy recently posted..If you think, well, yes, I’m crazy?