Lindsay is a former mommy’s worst nightmare turned suburban mommy of the year. She spends most of her kid-free time trying to plan what to do with her kid-free time, but when she can get her act together and put a solid plan in place, she enjoys her own form of therapy which is writing about her tantrums, epiphanies and rants on being a parent. Laugh with her, or even just at her on Facebook or her blog, Where’s the fcking mommy manual?
Ladies and Gentlemen, Momies and Daddies, Kids of All Ages: Although the 2012 Olympics have come to an end, the 2012 Mommy Olympics are still going strong. May the best Mommy win.This year’s events shall include the following…
Freestyle Food Shopping: Push a shopping cart filled with a fifty pound child, bread, milk, eggs, and a box of Lucky Charms up and down each aisle of the supermarket while avoiding knocking down various displays of items. Bonus points if you remember to actually get the milk which was the reason you actually entered the store in the first place.
Aquatics: Wrangle your child, bribe them with whatever it takes to enter the tub, avoid a flood in the bathroom, keep their whining and screaming to a minimum and have them somehow end up dirt-free.
Early Morning Exit: make sure the child has been dressed in clean underwear and a shirt and pants that actually match, has brushed their teeth, combed their hair and eaten their breakfast. This must be completed in approximately five minutes since each and every morning is rushed, chaotic and extremely stressful.
Creative Cooking: Think up, shop for, prepare and and be ready to serve kid-friendly foods in a moment’s notice with backup plans A and B ready to go for when the first course of food the child requested gets rejected for no other reason than they simply changed their mind.
Exitless Bedtime: Get your child to bed with no more than six exits from their room once the lights have been turned out. Exit excuses for a glass of water, a seventeenth hug or assistance performing a search and recovery mission for a stuffed animal will not be tolerated and may be cause for disqualification.
Focused Driving: Able to safely operate a vehicle while juggling a minimum of 17,258 demands and requests from the children which shall begin the second the key enters the ignition.
Telephone Call Dash: Successfuly complete a phone call without being interrupted by your children, screaming at your children or simply being distracted by your children.
Good luck, Mommies.
Now go get that gold medal you deserve!