The Mommy Performance Review



EMPLOYEE NAME/POSITION:  Mommy; Assistant to the Departmental Head of Toddler Chaos, Maid, Chef, Social Events Coordinator, Laundress, Chair of the Arts & Crafts Committee, Educational Team Leader, Keeper of the Cookies & Crayons, Member of the Nap Oversight Committee, Toddler On-Demand Specialist 

SUPERVISOR/TITLE:  Mac; CEO of Mommy, Inc. & Departmental Head of Toddler Chaos

1. JOB KNOWLEDGE, SKILL, & ABILITIES: Has the basic knowledge, skills, and abilities to perform her work satisfactorily.

Mommy has the basic knowledge and skills necessary to perform her work satisfactorily. She doesn’t ruin laundry. She seldom burns the entire dinner. She can efficiently unclog the vacuum of 42 small toy parts. She has mastered diapering while I run through the house screaming like a banshee.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

She’s shown remarkable growth this year. She can now hold me and simultaneously perform 25 other tasks. I’ve seen her effectively operate our home’s thermostat and perform advanced functions with the TV remote.

Her dishwasher loading and dusting skills could use improvement. Other areas for improvement noted below.

It’s commendable that when faced with a challenging situation she will seek assistance, albeit, it’s often from the Internet… or Daddy.

2. QUALITY OF WORK/PRODUCTIVITY: Work is sometimes inaccurate or incomplete; sometimes fails to meet departmental standards. Works slower than expected; work is sometimes of substandard consistency and timeliness

Mommy takes FOREVER to get me what I want. It’s becoming a serious problem. Her response time to my yelling “SEAT!” and pulling on my seat at the table can be as long as 32 seconds. The other day I had to pull the seat completely to the floor just to get her attention. She said she was trying to get the cookie crumbs out of the rug but I suspect that was merely an excuse to lie face down on the floor for half a minute.

Additionally, I’ve been waiting days for my favorite T-shirt and fleece to be laundered. Imagine my disappointment when she presented it to me and the T-shirt was wrinkled because once again, she folded the laundry in a hurried and sloppy manner.

Mommy really needs to hone her skills in this area. She and I can work on an action plan for the coming year.

3. RELIABILITY: Sometimes not dependable and conscientious in performing work; sometimes unwilling to accept responsibilities.

To her credit, Mommy, tries very valiantly to respond to my crying and other basic needs. Unfortunately, she has trouble staying on task or her response is inadequate. Often she will allow my continual demands for “Help,” “Read, Read, Read,” or “SIP!” to draw her attention away from dinner preparations, laundry, or other key household chores.

Additionally, the time she devotes to Twitter on a daily basis is cause for concern. I mean, this diaper isn’t just going to change itself.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Sometimes I’ve caught her glancing at a magazine when she should be scooping the cat boxes, organizing my baby mementos, or matching up my socks. I understand by law she’s entitled to a couple breaks a day, however, she already gets bathroom breaks and typically she gets 10 minutes for meals per day.

It’s obvious Mommy starts projects with good intentions but her follow through is disappointing. She should focus on developing her perseverance. I’m currently walking around with half a hair cut and 7 untrimmed toenails because she abandoned these tasks as soon as I started throwing a tantrum and thrashing about violently.

4. COMMUNICATION: Communications skills occasionally impair performance.

Mommy is always talking, yet she doesn’t seem to listen.

Now that I can talk, she seems terribly confused. Granted she understands when I’m thirsty or want a cookie; however, when I yank open the refrigerator door and start pointing, it often takes her no fewer than seven attempts to get my demands met. (I hate mustard lady, stop offering me mustard bottles!)

And when I ask for the “Phone” or the “mote” it’s like she doesn’t even hear me. I know she can hear me because if I say “Poop” she hurries up and runs for my potty seat.

Her selective hearing must be addressed. Communication is vital to her roles in this organization. I shouldn’t have to throw a fit every time I desire to run with a fork, play in the medicine cabinet, or spend half the day naked.

5. WORK RELATIONSHIPS: Attempts to take a positive approach in assisting others. However, sometimes has trouble getting along with other employees, supervisors, and the public.

Mommy is always running around saying how much she loves me and asking for hugs and kisses. Yet, sometimes she has trouble getting along with me AND Daddy. She gets so uptight when we run through the house screaming until 8:45 at night.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

She really needs to relax a little bit. I will go to bed eventually.

Sometimes, when I find her weeping silently in a corner during an unscheduled break, I get the impression that she is overwhelmed or frustrated by her co-workers. This behavior is unacceptable in a position as prominent as Mommy’s. She really needs to embrace her co-workers and their diverse viewpoints. Mommy’s continued improvement in this area is expected and once she makes steps towards improving, I believe she will find her work much more rewarding.

About the writer

Deni Lyn Miller is a married, stay at home mother of one who is desperately attempting to cling to her last remaining shreds of dignity.  When she's not spewing humorous snark and content of questionable taste across the Internet on Twitter and her blog The Diary of a Reluctant Mother, she enjoys birding, reading, spending time with her family, and making a mess out of most situations.


Nikki Cole 12 months ago

Giving yourself a performance review every so often is a good thing. It keeps you real. Genuine. Thanks for that. I have realized that my kids and I have a different relationship than some (maybe most?) kids have with their parents, because I take the time to think about their experience of me. Working from home, writing a blog, being a creative…all of these things have an effect on my relationship with them and I am overwhelmed and feeling like everything is impossible…until I find that balance. Until I give myself a performance review and realize that what I am doing is GOOD ENOUGH. Communication with my kids, with the people I share my space and life-experience with, is vital. This is a great post. Seriously, thanks for being real.

Anita 3 years ago

Ug, just wait until they can actually tell you what they think! I’m cherish that my three year old will hug me unprompted and tell me I’m the best, but usually within seconds of making it clear I don’t meet his {un}reasonable demands.

My almost ten year old however… he delivers his reviews complete with eye rolls, loud sighs and much snarkiness. I am not cool, and am much aware of it.


Jessica Smock 3 years ago

Considering that my toddler doesn’t have the attention span to flip through a picture book, I wouldn’t be too worried about my performance review. He’d be one of those bosses who would forget about the evaluations or fill it out halfway, leaving it in his “to do” pile until next year.

    Deni 3 years ago

    I wish I were that lucky! Mac would NEVER let something in his in-box for a year. He get’s that from his Father. I am a huge procrastinator.

Arnebya 3 years ago

I have only marginally improved since my last review. I was told to watch my hours and didn’t get a raise. This company is bullshit.

    Deni 3 years ago

    Too funny. This company is BS!

grownandflown 3 years ago

Imagining how my kids would have reviewed me as I drove them home from preschool is benign compared to how they really let me have it once they turned 13-14-15-16…..

    Deni 3 years ago

    You’re so right! I can’t even imagine what I might have written about my own Mother when I was a teenager. What’s with kids? Ha.

Amanda Martin 3 years ago

This actually made my heart pound a bit, remembering performance reviews back when I had a real job (because of course parenting isn’t a real job, we all know that!)
I would be on two-weeks notice if this was me. Is it bad that I’d be quite pleased to be fired? At least then I could take a vacation…

    Deni 3 years ago

    I hated these stupid things when I had a “real job.” They were worthless. Ha!

Angela @Momopolize 3 years ago

Hysterical! I hate to think what my kids would say if they gave me a review.

“Mom’s moonlighting as a blogger is seriously hindering her ability to fulfill our every wish and whim.”

“Often naps on the job.”

Wait…I guess those 2 things are related. 😉

    Deni 3 years ago

    Thank you! Naps on the Job? How do you manage that? I need details!!! :)

Jane 3 years ago

I know this is parody but reading has given me a panic attack. Some of the things you said sound a little too much like my now ex-husband.

    Deni 3 years ago

    Oh dear. It was just supposed to be funny and light-hearted. Obviously, I didn’t intend to make anyone uncomfortable. I’m sorry. Hang in there! Sometimes I have panic attacks too. Take care!

Kristin 3 years ago

I love this! My almost two year has begun to show signs of displeasure with my performance, it all sounds too familiar 😉

    Deni 3 years ago

    Thank you. Two-year olds. . .Are they possibly the worst bosses EVER?

Ariana 3 years ago

Hilarious, yet it feels like something out of my worst nightmares!

    Deni 3 years ago

    Ha! Thanks!

Melissa 3 years ago

Yes, yes – in so many ways, YES!

Alison 3 years ago

Based on my quarterly performance, I’ll be very, very average.

Loved this!

Aimee 3 years ago

Deni’s totally hired!!!

    Deni 3 years ago

    Thanks! :)

christina f 3 years ago

This is awesome! It reminds me of a fake resume I wrote once when I was looking for a job. I decided to write down my relevant skills, like being able to hold my pee all day. In the end, it was therapeutic, and I didn’t accidentally send it to anyone.

    Deni 3 years ago

    Thanks! I’d LOVE to see that resume! It sounds awesome.

Michele 3 years ago

Single Mom of almost 3yr old twin boys. I shudder to think what my review would be like. Is there anything against drinking on the job? I do have an occasional glass of wine in that 10 minute allotment for meals. Of maybe I just drink for the whole 10 minutes. Eating is overrated.

    Deni 3 years ago

    Eating is overrated! And I drink on the job at least twice a week. I try to wait until the boss goes to bed for the night. . .or naps. Ha!

Natalie Russell 3 years ago

Love the part about the 7 untrimmed toenails! I bribe mine with the ipad for that task!

    mel 3 years ago

    When mine were toddlers I used to do it when they were sleeping

Loriann 3 years ago

This is awesome! ! So funny.
Sad that you aren’t getting a raise (again) but it’s nice that your boss gave you such great feedback and you know what to focus on!

    Deni 3 years ago

    Thank you. He did take his time to make sure I improve. 😉

Kate 3 years ago

Hysterical! You’re doing far better than I am. My ass would be FIRED.

    Deni 3 years ago

    Thank you! He’s currently using my iPhone pants-less. It’s what he wanted. I do what I can for job security. (and to just get a couple things done already!) ha.

Stephanie 3 years ago

Yep. You about nailed it. My son just asks for things repeatedly, in a loop, until you give them to him. There’s no need to verbally respond to his requests; it doesn’t stop him from talking. “Mommy, I have some juice now? I have some juice now? You give me juice now? Mommy, I have my juice now? I can have my juice now? Now? NOW? I have my juice NOW?” Basically until you want to lob it across the room.

    Deni 3 years ago

    Ha! Sounds as if they’re all worse than the world’s worst bosses! Love your avatar!

The Next Step 3 years ago

hahaha, I can only imagine what the twins would say about my performance, given the chance. Considering one of them goes into a Chernobyl-style meltdown if her demands are not met within 2 seconds of belting them out from another room, I doubt my job rating would be very positive. :-)

    Deni 3 years ago

    What is with the DEMANDING stuff? Why hasn’t evolution and natural selection addressed this? Ha!

lynn @ Maven of Savin’ 3 years ago

LOVE IT!! My performance review would be FAR worse right now – LOL!

    Deni 3 years ago

    I’m been swilling booze since “the boss” went to the park earlier this evening with his Paternal Assistant. Trust me, the bar can’t get much lower! Ha!


Enjoying this? Then like us on Facebook