25 Things My Mother Was Right About – Scary Mommy

25 Things My Mother Was Right About

mother knows best

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If you have ever stopped and thought to yourself, “Oh my god, I sound like my mother!” then have we got a treat for you. You see, it turns out our mothers were right about damn near everything. I started thinking about this the other day when I heard my own mother’s words spilling out of my mouth as I yelled at my son, “You don’t need to shower for an eternity! No one needs to be that clean!”

My own mother accurately guessed the shelf life of every one of my romantic relationships before I met my husband. Her predictions about my ability to stay interested in various sports, hobbies, and trends were spot-on. And later in life, she would advise me on taxes, a marriage license, and the Lamaze method while I sighed and rolled my eyes in annoyance, until one day when I found myself several years deep in the trenches of motherhood. And that is when I realized that my mother—like most mothers—was absolutely right about so many things. And now I am emphatically sorry for the sighs and the eyerolls I shot toward my mom throughout the years.

Off the top of my head, I can list 25 of the things my mother was right about over the years. Really, it’s true that mother knows best.

1. Every lady needs a properly fitted bra.

2. A good lipstick can make you feel powerful—Tina Fey powerful.

3. Marriage isn’t a battlefield or greeting card commercial; it’s more like a retirement fund that requires years of work and focus.

4. Some girl/boyfriends are for fun, and some are for marriage. Learn to recognize the difference.

5. If it looks like a blue ribbon contender in a science fair, then get it out of your refrigerator.

6. Change your underwear every day. I mean, seriously.

7. Money doesn’t grow on trees, but it can grow at a consistent rate with the right investments.

8. Take everything in moderation, especially the fun stuff like sex and liquor.

9. But is a tattoo really a good idea? When you’re 85, that cute little set of stars on your ass will look like Halley’s Comet.

10. Don’t ever talk shit about your friends or frenemies or enemies. That stuff always comes back to haunt you when you least expect it.

11. Don’t post stupid things online that your future boss will see.

12. You won’t die if you don’t get a pony. However, you will die if you don’t get air, water, or food. Learn the difference between needs and wants, my dear.

13. You know you have a lifelong friend if you can act like an asshole on occasion and they can forgive you and carry on.

14. Never mix business with pleasure.

15. No one should diet all the time. Remember to enjoy your life and say yes to that slice of cake once in a while.

16. Size doesn’t matter. Unless we’re talking about something else. Wait, what are we talking about?

17. No amount of makeup or hair dye will stop you from aging. Embrace those funky quirks of getting older.

18. Learn how to remove stains properly, and you won’t have to spend a fortune on dry cleaning or replacing good clothes.

19. Your child will sometimes be an asshole, but chances are so will you.

20. Take care of your feet! Don’t buy cheap shoes!

21. Your vagina is not a tchotchke. Period.

22. No car is worth what you pay. They depreciate in value the second you roll off the lot, so go for cheap and reliable not expensive and flashy.

23. Some things are forever; take herpes for example.

24. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Be that one person who can truly listen to another human being without needing to get a word in.

25. Never go to bed angry. It causes wrinkles.

Moms are so badass. They raise us, love us, and teach us the rules of the world, and with any luck, we turn out to be great people thanks to their hard work. So the next time you think you hear your mother’s words spilling out of your mouth take a moment to appreciate the wisdom that she passed down to you.