If you could hear what I was thinking…
I speak for all moms when I say, “I’m so glad you can’t!”
Holy shit. What a field day that would be. You’d learn all about our love for the ladies in the carpool line, how much we adore the competent clerks at the convenience store, and what a treat it is to pick up after our husbands who can’t seem to find the hamper, dishwasher, or inside of the toilet. You’d also hear some things we withhold from saying to our kids. Yowza!
Here are 10 thoughts moms have, but never say out loud (until they do):
1. You’re my favorite child.
Well, right now you are. This morning was an entirely different story. I loved your brother best at 5:45 a.m., when you were wide awake and he was still sleeping. Yep, we’ve all picked favorites here and there. Chances are, it was a temporary rise in oxytocin levels. Kids can be cute…when they’re sleeping.
2. Can you really be that ______?
Fill in the blank. Sometimes we cannot believe what we’re seeing or hearing. Whether they’re attempting a 20-foot jump from the bureau to the toddler bed or asking a question that seems kind of…stupid (there, I said it), we’ve all had those pause-in-time moments when we wonder, what the fuck?
3. You little ______!
Again, fill in the blank. I think we can put two and two together here. The term of endearment is not sweetie, honey, darling, or anything slushy or sprinkled with unicorn dust. Don’t worry—only the angel on your left shoulder is judging you.
4. I’m leaving and never coming back.
Some of us have said this out loud—maybe more than once (raises hand!), maybe every day (raises both hands!). Motherhood is a tough business. Thankfully, there are rewards: the first day of school, the end of holiday break, grandma’s house. Seriously, before you take off like Forrest Gump, remember that one day soon they’ll be grown and flown. Treasure the moments.
5. I’m too tired for this shit today.
Four o’clock is not a wake up time. It’s the shift change for an emergency room physician. We’re not ER docs. We don’t make the bucks to wake up before a fucking rooster cackles. Kids! Let us sleep, until 6. Please.
6. Why can’t you be more like ______?
Back to Mad Libs Momisms. We all know we should never compare our kids to their siblings or other children. But we’re human. We crack under pressure. We feel helpless in times of incredible stress. And we certainly wonder sometimes why our kid can’t be more like his or her perfect cousin, little Jessy. Remember this: While your kid is outwardly throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the mall, little Jessy is closet-picking his nose. They’re kids! Not one is perfect—except for yours, just the way they are.
7. Your breath reeks.
Everyone gets morning breath. But not everyone has the liberty of walking into a bathroom and brushing their teeth, on their own—namely the 3-year-old who snored with his mouth open all night long and is now reciting the ABCs in your face at 4 in the morning. Where’s that rooster?!
8. Get your own food, kid!
Is nothing sacred? Can’t we have our cake and eat it too? The answer is no, if you have kids around. Your food is their food. At least, that’s what they think. Take a cue from the lioness. The next time one of them pokes a finger near your sandwich, growl at them.
9. I want my mother!
It doesn’t matter how old you are, you always want your mother, especially after an entire gallon of milk has been spilled on the floor, as dinner is burning, and two kids are sick and screaming from the couch. Mom has a name; it’s Xanax.
10. Go the fuck to sleep.
No matter what you say to your child, it’s important to think before you speak. Kids love to repeat what they hear, and I think Grandma just called to schedule a visit.
What’s that you’re thinking?