Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
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If you do, I suggest that you seek some professional help, immediately. No mother should ever hate her children. Period.
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Do you get annoyed by your children? Frustrated? Exasperated? Exhausted? Do you admit to this annoyance on your blog or on your Facebook page or on any other medium that may somehow be discovered by them someday?
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Join the club. And, also, be my friend.
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There has been much preaching over the past few days about our right to express these less than admirable feelings about our children. How dare we!? How will they feel in five or ten or 30 years should they stumble across a post or a tweet or a status update? Will their worlds come crashing down? The internet is foreeeeever, you know, and hastily written words can’t ever really be removed. Is it worth the instant gratification of expressing these emotions? Aren’t we selfishly putting our needs before theirs?
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No. We are trying to fucking survive.
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Motherhood is hard. The joyous and beautiful moments far outweigh the frustrating and infuriating ones, but they don’t comprise the complete package. If there is a mother out there who has effortlessly glided through this ride without a complaint, I want to know what pills she’s popping because it’s just impossible. Some mothers cope with alcohol, some cope with expensive shopping habits, some cope with extreme dieting, some cope with affairs… and some write. You tell me which is most detrimental to a family.
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Our kids need us now. They need our love and our presence and our guidance right this very minute and if publishing a post or tweet or whatever helps me or any other mother get the bad feelings off of our chests and be present for our families, it’s worth it.
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The love I have for my children is indisputable. Every decision I make is based, somehow, on its impact on them. They are my entire life and not a day goes by where I don’t shower them in love. But, am I perfect? No. More importantly, do they need to think that I am? If discovering that I found them momentarily annoying 15 years from now is the biggest tragedy my children ever face, I will consider them to be the luckiest people in the world and shall expect to be crowned Mother of the Millenium.
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My posts, the guest posts I publish, the anonymous confessions and the book I wrote aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. That’s fine. There are a million beautiful sites out there on the perfection of motherhood and I invite you to join any of them — it’s your right to read what you want to. It’s not your right, however, to tell me or anyone else what we should or shouldn’t be doing. When a mother of special needs child writes that she loves her kids, but doesn’t always like them, it’s not your job to tell her she’s wrong. It’s not acceptable to act like that on the playground and it’s not acceptable on the internet.
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I tell my kids that they don’t need to like everyone, but they need to treat everyone with kindness. I explain that when they don’t like something which doesn’t impact them, they just need to ignore it. To mind their own business and respect others. You know, the simple things we all learned from our parents so many years ago. The things some of us seem to have forgotten.
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Sure, social media adds an element to parenting that our generation is the first to experiment with. We need to consider the words we put out there and be comfortable with our choices, knowing full well that our kids might someday read them. Personally, I’m pretty confident that we’ll have raised them with enough love and nurturing that they’ll be able to handle a few tongue in cheek posts.
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Besides, if my kids aren’t able to grasp the concept of sarcasm, I truly have failed as a mother.
{ 213 comments… read them below or add one }
Perfectly said Jill! Perfectly said!
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Photographer Interview with Marsha Drews
YES! nodding my head through this whole post.
Devan @ Accustomed Chaos recently posted..Mixed Feelings About a New Chapter
And this is why I fucking love YOU!
Couldn’t agree more. I don’t always like my kids, but I love them and I encourage them to feel the same way about me and their siblings.
yes, jill. yes. good for you. these dissections and interpretations of posts in order to pin mothers against one another allow for nothing except judgement and ugliness. so tired of this.
nic @mybottlesup recently posted..side by side
So STOP reading?!
Nikki recently posted..Day of Silent Reflection
Spoken toward the jerks, that is :)
Nikki recently posted..Day of Silent Reflection
^^ what Nikki said
Pretty simple solution. If you find yourself getting upset about a mother venting on the Internet, chances are you need to find something a little more productive to do with your time. I recommend staying away from any hobby that requires human interaction. Knitting maybe??
Wouldn’t knitting provide her with a weapon? Those needles are pretty sharp.
Seriously though, it’s a blog. Yes, it’s a blog that has received a lot of attention, but it’s still a blog, a place for Jill to go and express her true feelings. If you don’t like it, don’t read it, problem solved.
Obviously this young lady has a painfull case of “pantiesinatwistitis” and from the sound of it……may need surgery to remove the growing knot!!!!
Simple solution here, nic @mybottlesup……stop reading this AMAZING blog….or, uh idk, tilt your “bottle” a little higher…..you need a fuller glass.
i am so confused by the responses to my comment that i don’t even know where to begin. why again are you all telling me to stop reading my friend’s blog?
nic @mybottlesup recently posted..side by side
haha, I’m sorry it was my fault. I wasn’t clear in my first comment… I was *agreeing* with you, my comment to “stop reading!” was toward the haters. And, I tried to clarify in my second comment. Sorry chica, :)
Nikki recently posted..Day of Silent Reflection
I also misinterpreted what you wrote! I’m sorry!!!!
LOL. I was agreeing with Nikki!! Should have posted to the main comments. I wasn’t directing my comment to any one person. SORRY!!!
Glad we cleared THAT up. :)
a-freaking-men.
Nikki recently posted..Day of Silent Reflection
I could not of put this into better words. Thank you for this post. I totally agree with you that we sometimes need to watch what we say or do in social media. And like you I also give them enough love and am pretty confident that when they read what I write they should not freak out too bad. ;-)
Tricia recently posted..Oh So Relaxing…. Wordless Wednesday
Exactly. The internet is changing how we parent and thankfully part of that is being able to share frustrations that come naturally to EVERY parent. No one deserves to be punished for feeling exhausted or overwhelmed by their children. What they need to hear is yeah – me too! Well said Jill!
Maija @ Maija’s Mommy Moments recently posted..An Email from my Mother: What AA Step is This?
SO MUCH wonderful here:
That’s fine. There are a million beautiful sites out there on the perfection of motherhood and I invite you to join any of them — it’s your right to read what you want to. It’s not your right, however, to tell me or anyone else what we should or shouldn’t be doing
AND
I tell my kids that they don’t need to like everyone, but they need to treat everyone with kindness.
When will the rest of the world join in??
AWESOME post, JIll. Why I’m buying five copies of your book.
Alexandra recently posted..The One That Got Away
… and this comment is why I adore you.
I fully agree. Our blogs are where we vent and empty our frustrations and torment. Along with out happiness and glee. Why shouldnt we have the right to say “damn those kids shit me today”. And if they see it in 30 years by that stage they will have kids of their own and be able to relate! “wow we must of been asshats that day”.
EXACTLY! I remember singing an annoying song over and over AND OVER. I mom blurted out an obscenity (she NEVER used foul language) which stopped me in my tracks. I was stunned! What could possibly make her go to those extremes??? Not until THIRTY YEARS LATER and having a child of my own did I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND! Lol.
“Wow, we must have been asshats that day.”
If my kids said that to me, I think I would fall over laughing.
Wow…. Perfectly put. Our parents never had to deal with Facebook, Twitter, email, or even the internet. If we can’t voice our frustations somewhere, we will all just explode. My kids know when I am frustrated with them, so that will come as no surprise. I love my daughters completely, but they know when I don’t like the way they’ve acted. Also, I know they love me, but I also know they don’t always like me. It’s part of the whole mother/daughter relationship.
Well said indeed. Anything worth the effort is often difficult, motherhood is no exception.
Barbara recently posted..Brad Pitt or Baseball: Moneyball DVD Giveaway
AMEN! As long as you are comfortable with what your someday adult children will read about you or them than continue to do your thing. Those parents who choose to pretend they are perfectly loving and calm and happy all of the time are usually the ones that have lots of skeletons in their closet and I hate to be the one to tell them that skeletons don’t STAY in the closet. So good luck to them.
Absa- bloody- lutely!!!!
Amen! My son doesn’t like me every moment of the day either and he let’s me know it especially when the answer is No. Yet his love for me is unfaltering. I adore that child more than life itself but I would be lying if I said I enjoyed him all the time.
Aimee recently posted..Friend Makin’ Mondays: Getting to Know You
Thank you. I thought her post was very honest and thoughtful; based on the reactions I read, I was expecting something horrific, but it wasn’t. Yes, we need to be mindful about what we say on the Internet, but that’s no reason to force us all to behave like it’s the 50s and motherhood is all sunshine & roses.
KH99 recently posted..An Open Letter to My Son’s Preschool Teachers
I would only add, as a stay at home Father, that Motherhood isn’t any different than Fatherhood in the same scenario. Remember that women aren’t the only excellent parents out there. Some of us men do a great job as well.
I agree with you completely. When I met my husband, I was a single mum of four and he was a single dad of two and doing a bloody good job of it.
Zee recently posted..Silent Sunday.
My favorite part? How you ended this post. It was done in true SM fashion.
We can’t all be friends, but we should be able to play nice with one another.
Francesca recently posted..Blog Critique: It Builds Character
This is why I read your blog, Jill.
Well said!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Purple Leaves, Red Cherries: A Review
Love you, Jill.
Loukia recently posted..The truth about Motherhood
Fabulous post! Couldn’t agree more.
yup. enough said.
Vinobaby recently posted..Buy More Girl Scout Cookies to Sate the Hate
“Besides, if my kids aren’t able to grasp the concept of sarcasm, I truly have failed as a mother.”
At the age of 4, my son gets, and appropriately uses sarcasm. We are raising him right.
Love your site. I love my son, but there are days I wish he would just go be in the other room. Hell, there are days I wish he would just go sit on the other chair and not hang on me. Does that make me a bad mother? No, that makes me a human who would like a little bit of personal space and just one hour of nobody touching me.
“How will they feel in five or ten or 30 years should they stumble across a post or a tweet or a status update?”
My kids do see the words I write about them. It makes them stop and think about their behavior. If I write something about how I love my kids, but I don’t necessarily like them at that point in time, its related to behavior that is unsavory. It also makes them stop and think about said behavior and generally results in an apology and a genuine effort to do better and curtail the behavior issue Im not enjoying at the moment.
If I said something truly harsh about my kids and they saw it say 20 years from now…Id say they’d completely understand. Both of my kids are teenagers, so 20 years from now they would be mothers with kids of their own and have an even clearer concept of WHY I feel the need to vent about their behavior.
My question is….why in Bobs name does anyone even think they have the right to tell someone else how to parent, how to live their lives, and how to vent their own frustrations? You don’t have to agree, but it is not your place to pass judgement on ANYONE else. If my words offend someone, they know how to click the remove friend button, or click the little red x in the upper right corner and my words that have been so offensive to them are magically removed from their sight! Gotta love the digital age, huh?
As usual, well said!
Mother as human, novel concept.
Kisha recently posted..Un? Happy New Year
Well said. I am going to buy your book today in a show of solidarity.
Martha recently posted..It’s Ok!
My kids are old enough to “see” things I have written. It doesn’t bother then at all. I think it makes our bond stronger, more like open communication on how we feel at times.
Perfectly stated. I hope those who judge—those who don’t understand our need to write, to vent—read this post, and just maybe can open their minds a little bit.
Thanks for posting.
a Book for My Daughter recently posted..Chore Wars: How I Got My Kids to Clean the House
I think it’s interesting that some your readers (the hater ones) assume that what you write is the complete sum of who you are as a person. As if you don’t have any other sides of you, of your life, of your personal story. As a writer, it’s impossible to show every angle, and often it’s not as interesting to try to cover everything. Whether you want to call it our schtick, our approach, our niche, whatever…it just ends up being one piece of us that we choose to represent.
My blog would fall into more of the “heartwarming” category but that doesn’t mean I’m not bitchy with my husband or impatient with my kids. It just means I don’t write about it.
I think your blog resonates with people because of the topic and I’m totally in the “if you don’t like it, don’t read it” camp. What disgusts me is when readers get personal about it and throw around crap like you are a horrible person. Yuck, that’s just rude.
Keep on keeping on, Jill. You have a lot of supporters!
Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac recently posted..Get it together
Yes! That is such an important point.
great read…agree totally…
fuck yes. This “Every decision I make is based, somehow, on its impact on them.” and this “it’s your right to read what you want to. It’s not your right, however, to tell me or anyone else what we should or shouldn’t be doing.”
mommytanya recently posted..Decorating… Slowly
I’ve said it a 100 times and I’ll say it again:
As a woman who has no children of her own and probably never will, you keep me hanging on to every word and waiting for more.
Because I do have nieces. And my sister sometimes needs a little help with them. And keeping up with you and your readers help me be a better “step in” mom when I need to be and also understand her actions and reactions.
Ya’ll are all a pretty fab group. And I appreciate you letting me hang here. =)
Carrie recently posted..A little phlegm can completely turn me into a woman I don’t really know.
Dear Jill,
I’m reading your blog from Berlin, Germany. You are a great inspiration to me and I admire your style very, very much. This post is AWESOME and i fully agree with you. My own blog helped my over many tiresome days mothering and staying home with the kids. keep up the great work and good luck with the book!
Nina
At some point or another I have disliked every person I have ever loved. If you live with someone it is inevitable that at some point they are going to get on your nerves- it is human nature. I love my family more than anything, but sometimes I do not like them.
My mother always told us from the time we were teenagers that she loved us all of the time, but sometimes she may not like us. We just laughed and were never offended. We have always been an open and sarcastic family and we are as close now as we were then. She made me realize it is okay that there are times I don’t like my own kids, but I do love them more than life itself.
I followed the ugliness on twitter and found it so disheartening. Bravo to you for standing up for your community. This is why you are so loved.
I’m a mother of seven; six teenagers, one set of twins, one in college/apprenticeship, one working (we’ll see how long that lasts), three in high school, one living with her boyfriend, one with ASD, one little five year old package being assessed for ASD.
*Deep breath*
At the moment, I can’t stand to be in the room with two of those kids. They’ve behaved atrociously and it’s all I can do not to scream at them. Does that mean that I hate them? No. Do I love them any less? Of course not.
Our kids are people just like everyone else, with different personalities and attributes. We don’t *have* to like them all the time.
Zee recently posted..Silent Sunday.
After the week I’ve had…this post is FANTASTIC!
Thank you.
Frannie recently posted..Back to Normal
This is why I read your blog! I read the article about the mom of special needs children not always liking them, and I got it. It’s time some people got down off their high horses and admit that parenthood isn’t all some perfect moonbeams & unicorn existance. It’s being cranky, it’s dealing with a mouthy teen who is now taller than you, it’s a whole bunch of not so fun stuff. Thankfully the good does usually outweigh the bad, or our species would have died out long ago.
Well said!
Amen, Jill! You have a skill these women lack and that is the ability to speak the truth with humor and love, and kids can sense what is true and what isn’t.
Paula Chapman recently posted..A Parent’s Death
The implication that we are supppsed to be absolutely fucking perfect is why so many women crack. Perfection is unattainable, and the more you strive for it, the more you hate yourself for being unable to reach it. What is wrong with people??
Word, chica. How boring the world would be, if everyone in it had the same views and thought processes! I revel in my imperfections! My flaws are what make me who I am.
I *wish* my mother had been given to writing when I was a child. A blog, a diary, a compilation of letters… Anything that would have given me insight into her a person, instead of only her as “Mom.”
Love recently posted..Guitars, Guitars, Guitars, and more damn guitars…
I love you for writing this.
Sarahviz recently posted..Coming Home
Well said Jill!
Attacking one another is ridiculous and immature. We are adults, are we not?
Support should be the name of the game. Honesty and authenticity should be the norm. One of the reasons I love the blogging world so much is because of the ability to be candid and real about our struggles. It’s amazing how supportive the community can be and that should be the focus.
Way to rise out of the nonsense and make us all reflect what is really important, Jill. You are a remarkable person and it shines through in all that you do!
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..Blog Idol Interview Lineup for the SITS Girls 31 Days to Build a Better Blog
I once wrote a post titled “Patience is a Virture, but Not Showering Sucks,” and I had several nasty comments about how I shouldn’t complain about spending time with my baby. UM hello, if I can’t bitch and moan, how the hell will I survive this rollercoaster of a ride? I didn’t reply to the comments, I simply deleted their idiotic words, opened up a bottle of wine and turned on Netflix. Nobody. I mean NOBODY, tells me how to feel, what to write or what I can and cannot complain about.
I hate people, not just moms, who think they are better than everyone else and write about how parenting is peachy keen all the freaking time. Who the hell do they think they’re kidding? Then again, I think some moms are just plain stupid. Actually, my new motto for life is: Everyone is stupid, until they prove otherwise.
Eve recently posted..Teething Sucks
Hahaha! I agree with you
Jill, I just wanted to express my support for you and thank you for writing this blog. You are the vanguard in the fight against the sugarcoating of motherhood. I am so tired of the unicorns-and-sunshine image of motherhood being blown up everyone’s ass. This is the reality of motherhood – it’s beautiful and joyful and rewarding, and also gritty and dirty and exasperating.
Your blog may not be everyone’s cup of tea – no blog could – but anyone who doesn’t like it is free to seek the unicorns and sunshine elsewhere. They have no right to dictate what you or anyone else should write when all you are doing is speaking your truth with humour, wisdom and love. If they are incapable of pulling the sticks out of their asses long enough to consider your words in the spirit in which they were intended, then who needs them?
I’ll stay here at Scary Mommy, thanks. It IS my cup of tea.
Haha, “unicorns and sunshine.” Love it :-)
I know a fair few mothers who say that their home life is like this. Utter crap. I’ve *met* their kids!
Zee recently posted..Silent Sunday.
I was just talking to one of my kids yesterday about being frustrated with her. I said that doesn’t mean I don’t love her, just that I was irritated at that moment. I had to tell her this because I also wanted her to understand that her teachers are the same–they might get frustrated with the students, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care about them. I definitely want my kids to know there were times that I was frustrated/irritated or whatever. Hopefully at least some of them will be parents themselves, and I would never want them to think they were bad parents because they weren’t always happy and they thought I was. I’m pretty sure that is not a problem though. They might be too aware of my frustrations.
nicole recently posted..Just Write: What I Don’t Write
Bud will ask me, “Momma, are you fwustwated?” Sometimes the answer is yes. At least my kids will know that I’m always honest and open about my feelings, and that it is okay for them to be the same way.
Jennifer recently posted..My Favorites, Share Your Awesome
Thank you Jill for being the advocate for all of us, and thank you for allowing us to be honest and realistic about motherhood and what it entails.
It is a stressful, not always pleasant, sometimes excruciating job, and if it weren’t for you, and this site, I would be a lot crazier than I am!!!!
I would also love to meet these moms, who have floated through motherhood on a rainbow colored, diamond sprinkled, unicorn pulled cloud. Or find what they taking to make every day so shiny and perfect.
I wonder if the bee in their bonnet is less about other moms having these thoughts, and more about their resentment that this new generation of moms is daring enough to vocalize our frustrations, instead of bottling them up.
We still suck it up and carry on with the rest of the day, but too have that weight off your shoulders is a tremendous help. I know I can go to the SM boards and confessional, or read one Jill’s or a guest’s blog, and find a little bit of sanity. It gets me through the day, helps me laugh at what’s going on around me (because if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry) and sends me on my way.
A relatively happy mommy makes for a good mommy. And if I don’t have to rely on anything more than reading the words of kindred spirit then I will. Far better than some of the destructive remedies other mothers find themselves doing.
Oh and as always….Haters gonna hate. Fuck ‘em.
I couldn’t have said it better myself! Well done!
No one could have said it better than you. Don’t change anything about yourself.
Well said as usual Jill!
I am always there for friends who struggle with the same ups and downs of motherhood as I, yet often those same friends I support judge others pretty harshly in their struggles, because they would do it differently. We all do it differently. We all face the good and bad in the ways we find that work well for ourselves. Who are we to judge anyone else who is walking the same walk?
Give better than you get and do the best you can.
MommaC recently posted..Rules of the PHONE and TEXTiquette
This is why I LOVE it here. Thank you :-)
Amen! I find myself constantly questioning myself before hitting publish, “What will my daughter say when she’s xx years old and can read this?” And I’ll say so far, I’ve pushed publish with confidence every time. No, not every post talks about how wonderful she is. But if that’s all I was to write, when she’s old enough to read them, she’d know it was all a crock too. Frankly, I’d love if my mom was a blogger was I was little. I’d love to read now about what a little snot I was then. It’d do me some good to further appreciate all she went through raising me! So what if my then 18-year-old reads that one day she was acting like a terrorist at 2. Like you, I hope and pray I’ve done a good enough job parenting her that she knows it doesn’t in any way diminish my love and respect for her. And I’ve spared her one humiliation — no nude baby shots on the blog! So, there, child, you’re welcome!
Great post.
Jackie @ MomJovi recently posted..I Wish I Lived in Oblivion
Well said! As always…
Great post! No woman is the perfect wife or mother. SM gives women the opportunity to see that they’re not the only ones that have parenting issues and that it’s OK not to be perfect. Gasp! It’s even OK not to like your kids every waking minute (especially if you have teens.)
As a side note, I was a bit confused by your last statement. Are you saying there are mothers who don’t teach their children sarcasm?
Last summer I observed a woman wearing a pink tee shirt that said “Happy Mom” on it, with a cutesy drawing of a grinning stick figure holding a baby. And the shirt made me feel unaccountably crabby. As if she were bragging about it.
I’m with you, Jill. It’s okay to say we’re not always happy.
Julia’s Child / Sarah P. recently posted..The Freshest Thing Under the Sun: Petit Organics
I would totally wear that shirt sarcastically. :)
Ah, maybe she was!
No. Nope. She wasn’t. She was totally playing the straight man on this one.
Julia’s Child recently posted..The Freshest Thing Under the Sun: Petit Organics
YOU are fabulous. well said.
YES! We have a family member who kept her own little secret blog where she criticized many of us for saying things like “crotchfruit” or giggling at crying Santa pictures.
I’m not sure if her sense of humor was surgically removed at a young age or if she was just born without one, but it was certainly replaced with a stick up her ass.
If we don’t blow off steam here online, if we don’t vent using sarcasm in print, then we run the risk of taking out our frustrations on people IRL. Which is worse?!
Ummmm yeah. I think I will be staying right here with you. I hate fluffy mothering sites.
Well said my dear.
Jill, you have made me laugh, made me say ‘Yes!, Exactly!” You have made it so that so many other mommies don’t feel alone in their feelings of “I love you, but if you don’t stop doing that I am going to sell you to the circus!” You have given us a place to vent, laugh, share and support each other. For that I say thank you!
Don’t let the haters get you down and realize this, the reason they are so angry is probably because you are saying what they are thinking. You just have the balls to say it rather than be a passive aggressive bitch and seethe. You rock lady and don’t let a single cardigan wearing, Stepford mom tell you otherwise.
The other day I commented that I was having a moment deciding between mail in a box vs shallow grave … I received a message telling me that I was a disgrace to motherhood …
like I would go outside and dig a hole, I could break a nail!
Hahahahaha! My kind of Mummy :-)
Zee recently posted..Silent Sunday.
everyone here is generic including jill. Mom’s complaining on the web for the sake of advertisement and selling their children, embarrassing them. Well, its my opinion and you should never react because no one is allowed! :) Dooce, the bloggess and jill are all the same!
Huh?
Sorry my Bitch to English translator is busted, mind trying that again??
Lol
Sorry meant my Sanctimonious Bitch to English translator, as anyone who knows me knows I am fluent in Basic Bitch.
Bazinga!
LMFAO.
excellent! (can I use that one??)
xx
sarah waldin recently posted..the humaness of holding on …
What in the blue peeping hell are you talking about?
LOL “Blue peeping hell”
Kristin Shaw recently posted..Working Toward Kindness
Whew. Sounds like someone forgot to take their valium this morning.
Love recently posted..Guitars, Guitars, Guitars, and more damn guitars…
Here’s something… not only do I write about it on my blog, but I actually tell them how I’m feeling NOW. {gasp} What a concept?! Sharing your feelings with your children.
Do I tell them I don’t like them? No. Do I tell them I don’t like their behavior? You bet I do. Do I tell them when they are being brats? Uh-huh. Do I tell them when I’m feeling frustrated with a situation? Yep. If I’m upset about something do they know it? You better believe it.
Whatever my kids read on my blog years from now should not come as any surprise because they live it with me every single day. They KNOW me. They know how I feel. They also know that I love them to pieces and nothing they could ever do or no way they could ever act could separate them from the love that I have for them. The last thing they hear at night, and the first thing they hear in the morning is “I love you.” Always.
Jennifer recently posted..My Favorites, Share Your Awesome
YES!
love the concept of them already knowing who and how you are by the time they can read your blog!
sarah waldin recently posted..the humaness of holding on …
Posting on the internet and worrying that someday the kids will find it seems weird when years ago you’d just write in it a journal that they could also easily find in the house and read that!! If you are the journalling/blogging kind of person there is always the chance your kids will read it.
I have always been open with my kids about my feelings on the ups and downs of motherhood. My son was 4 when he said to me “Mommy, you like me best when I am sleepin” – he was a VERY BUSY boy with a touch of oppositional defiance disorder and ADHD and sometimes just wore me out. He also heard me say I was going to GIVE him to the circus or that I was going to run away to the circus where it would be more peaceful!! Both my kids know I love them almost more than life itself and we have alot of love in our family. They both laugh at those things now, and they are part of our family story – so I don’t think hearing/reading differing emotions about parenthood hurts.
I love this post and thank you for putting it out there. Blogging or writing in a journal has helped me stay sane. I first started writing in a journal before I discovered blogging. It was a way for me to release stress, tension, frustration and everything I was going through being a new mom. But being able to write it down on paper or online has allowed me to not take out that frustration on my kids. (yeah I am not perfect and sometimes the frustration does come out in their presence but if I feel I have crossed the line I apologize) The way I see it if one day our kids read our post or our journals they will see that we were not perfect, but they will also see how much we loved them and that our love out weighed the frustrations of motherhood. Thank you for sharing this post, I must say I love your blog and your writing.
Shirley recently posted..Getting my Groove back
I think you’re doing a wonderful job. I would actually encourage your children to read this when they’re older, GREAT birth control method!
Amen sister! Here is my rule: I don’t write what I can’t say to someone’s face. My oldest is now 12, and during the discussions we’ve had I’ve already addressed how hard it is for me to be a mom sometimes. It’s OK for her to realize I’m human, and she isn’t going to like everything about me – but we will still love each other with a love like no other in our lives. Sometimes moms need to vent. My kids won’t love everything I’ve written, but I try not to write anything I’m not willing to discuss with them later. Hopefully they will see the humor and the “try” in what I’m doing. Besides, should something happen to me before they have kids? I want them to read what I’ve written down and know that being frustrated is the norm, not the exception, when it comes to parenting. Also the norm? Loving them unconditionally when it gets hard, huging them even if you’re mad at them, enjoying every giggle you share with them, wanting them to stay little just a touch longer, remembering who is the parent and who is the child, and sometimes not knowing how to handle a situation. My mother handled her issues with alcohol. Not a successful solution.
So keep on doing what you do. I appreciate your efforts, and I appreciate your camaraderie. Your kids? Are going to “get-it”…and perhaps pick up the torch you hand off and keep running with it.
dodim recently posted..Don’t be afraid
Thank you for writing this.
The word “hate” should not be taken lightly and especially not towards our children.
I believe that those who write should always write the truth. As mothers do we get frustrated, angry, tired, hungry, sleep deprived: yes, many times. Should we say we hate them? No, because we don’t.
I don’t think mothers should always act like everything is sunshine and rainbows in front of their kids. For one, they can sense when we are frustrated and upset, and it just confuses them when we pretend like everything’s ok. I remember this clearly from my childhood. Secondly, they need to learn early on that the world is not perfect. My nieces have grown up in a bubble of perfection and when they get out in the real world, they will be in for a rude awakening.
EXACTLY!
meekasmommy recently posted..Memory Lane
I think it’s a matter of… do you want to raise your children to think their parents are perfect, super-human beings who never get angry or fail at anything or have less-than-perfect thoughts? Or… do you want to raise your children to know that their parents are human, sometimes get scared and angry and frustrated, are trying to do the best they can, aren’t perfect, still love their kids anyway? I choose the latter. I want my kids to really know me, know what makes me happy and sad. I think they deserve to know the inside me, not just the outside me.
Carolyn (temysmom) recently posted..Daddy’s Away, The Girls Will Play
I agree completely.
yup me too. bring on the space to be imperfect, acknowledge the imperfections of others and accept them as ‘normal’ … rather than this bullshit about ‘normal’ being all that fluff, elevator music and full-time joy.
sarah waldin recently posted..the humaness of holding on …
Admit it or not , a parent who doesn’t have a moment where their children are driving them insane just doesn’t exist. I am pretty damn sure that I drove my mom nuts a time or two and as a teenager she probably didn’t like me all that much either. Do I care? NO! Do I think my daughters’ will be traumatized if they ( GASP) find out one day that being a mom is a tough but amazing journey and that sometimes, yes, your mom thinks your a big PITA. Thats life. Here’s to Carolyn and those who understand. For the rest, well, I am confident that you will SOON!
Jill you are wonderful. Everything you post puts so much more in perspective. We support you and we love you! Yeah Scary Mommy!
And this is why I love your blog!! I am so buying the book!
The stuffy holier-than-thou mothering that has occured (or at least been advertised) of the past is so stiffling that the women must surely be screaming on the inside while surrounded by their perfect happy life. Life’s not perfect. We’re not perfect the more people that admit that to themselves the happier they will be. We are allowed to get angry and frustrated and pitch a fit.
Thank you for posting Jill. I love this. People need to realize that just because they can hide behind their computers gives them no right to say something they wouldn’t say to their faces!
I could not agree more!
Amen! And might I add that writing about a bad day or a difficult time with some aspect of parenting (or adulthood for that matter) is neither an indicator of weakness, nor a desperate plea to be brought to Jesus, nor a cry for professional help. We’re all pretty much okay, save for the well-intentioned masses.
Stephanie recently posted..Duck and Cover
And isn’t this why lifestyle blogs, particularly mom blogs, became so popular in the first place? Because we all need a place to vent, to be our real selves, and blow off some steam every once in awhile? And then have others relate to us, tell us we’re not crazy, and therefore find…community? And friendship?
I get that everyone’s parenting styles are different. And I get that there are things you shouldn’t put on the Internet about your family. I’ve said things on my blog that got me in trouble with friends and family and I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson and know where to draw the line now. But I don’t see any harm in admitting frustration with ones own kids, just as I don’t see any harm in admitting frustration with friendships or marriage. (oh god marriage!) But also, if I’m being completely ridiculous or psychotic I would hope someone would tell me. In the nicest possible way, of course. :)
Regardless, these posts have made me pause and think about what should be shared on the Internet. And so far, I think you’re doing it right. Love this post.
Liz recently posted..20 Weeks. Or in other words, HALFWAY THERE!
It’s great to have the confidence to write freely and not worry about what others think. But sometimes what those “others” think can affect our kids in ways we never intended.
I just started my second blog. I abandoned my first one because too many people IRL knew about it and I couldn’t write freely and honestly anymore.
I don’t care if other moms judge me – if they do, I don’t want to be friends with them. But I DO care if what I write affects my kids because their friends’ moms don’t like what I write, and therefore don’t want their kids to play with my kids.
It may sound like I’m worrying too much, but if any of you live in a gossipy small town, I bet you know where I’m coming from.
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..Psst. I am now writing naked.
AMEN to that!
Hey Jill-
had to comment…
I can’t wait to tell Oliver how he liked to slam the door so hard the actual doorknob put a gaping hole in the wall.
I can’t wait to tell Scarlett how she was the laziest baby in the world and how if anything was a centimeter out of her reach she “couldn’t get it.”
My favorite stories that my parents and I laugh about are the ones where I did the most insane things as a child. It doesn’t mean they didn’t love me.
Like you and all your readers, we live and breathe our children. They are our entire world.
Relationships that are sooooo fragile lack honesty and are the ones that I’d be worried about. Not the ones where we can all enjoy a huge belly laugh at our silliness.
xo,
Alexis
ps- don’t let jeff take your dogs medicine anymore. I seriously can’t stop thinking about that.
:)
And, seriously. Only my husband would take dog medication.
If it wasn’t for you putting everything out there that you have Jill I would be in hell still. Your an amazing woman (along with many of the woman on your site) who have helped me see that what I’m going through with my kids is okay. No I’m not a failure of a mom just because they heavens forgive bug me once in a while. Keep on doing what your doing because you are an inspiring woman!
Thank you thank you THANK you! LOL! People say this to me ALL the time: “One day they are going to find what you’re writing and not like it!” Really now? Just be yourself, Jill. It’s the biggest gift you can give them, and already are on a daily basis.
Pamela recently posted..Scary Facebook Wake-Up Call
(standing and clapping) BRAVO! Beautifully said!
Jill, I think i love you… LOL!
Gia recently posted..Skateboard
I agree. I also share my feelings with my son on a face to face level. He’s 6, but I’m a single -honest- momma and I don’t sugar coat things for him. What I do make sure to do is make clear the difference between not liking him as a person, and not liking his actions. Example of something I do that people like to bitch at me for: Child- I hate you!!!!!!! Me- Thats ok, my job is not to make you like me, it’s to make sure you don’t hate yourself! Apparently this falls under the fail category of parenting for some. Why? It’s the truth. It doesn’t matter in the end if my child adores me, or thinks I’m an amazing person. It doesn’t matter if the day he turns 18 he walks out my door and doesn’t talk to me for years. It would break my heart, don’t get me wrong. What matters though, is that I taught my son to be a good person, to not judge others, and to make something of himself. Sometimes teaching these things to our kids comes at the expense of them realizing we are human, we have flaws, and that we don’t appreciate every single word that comes out of their mouths. If the worst thing my kid ever thinks of me is that I didn’t always think he should win son of the year, then ok. I can live with that.
Why not be honest? I would love to have a journal written by my mother about my upbringing. How cool would that be? I know I wasn’t always unicorns and rainbows. It wouldn’t offend me if I upset my mother when I was a child. I know I did. I’d still love to read about it from her viewpoint. Moms aren’t around forever, you treasure things like this when they are gone.
I agree! I don’t understand raising children in a “perfect” world, the real world is indifferent. Raising kids with “kid gloves” isn’t going to do them any favors, and letting them know..”hey, you’re really annoying right now” isn’t going to hurt them, if we’re lucky it might make them stop being annoying, or do it somewhere else!
Spot on! Sarcasm is part of my personality. 20 years from now, my children will surely know that and hopefully join me in looking at the world in a “less than perfect” light. I take great offense to any comments made about mothers of special needs children complaining about their kids. I believe someone posted that somewhere. I invite you to walk a mile, even fucking two steps in my shoes! That was a comment from someone looking to stir the pot and make headlines or traffic to THEIR site. It wasn’t the title of the original blog post that was trying to get traffic. There are countless other posts on this site that have a similar title. Was it really so “shocking?”
Jeanine recently posted..Family Skeletons Fall Out of the Closet for Rick S.
I was drinking way too much because motherhood anxiety sent me over the edge. I’ve made that no secret. My kids will read that one day and I’m aware of that. I consistently say that it is not my children themselves, but just the daily grind of motherhood and all the pressures big and small. And yes, kids are annoying a lot of the time and most likely our kids will grow up to realize that kids can be frustrating so they’ll get it.
What my kids will know from our offline lives is that they have a sober mother…and writing about all of it was a big part of getting better, letting it out.
Also. I’m never going to stop communicating with my kids. So if there’s something that hurts them, we’ll talk about it just like we talk about the times I lose my shit on a bad day. They are bathed mostly in love and they will know that…they will know love and they will trust me that I always always wanted and loved them. I’m sure of that.
xo
I’m really proud of you, hopefully that doesn’t sound odd.
not odd. thank you. xoxo
Heather of the EO recently posted..they battle
We’re all annoying and unlikable and unhappy sometimes — kids, adults, dogs, cats, guppies… That’s reality. And the TRUTH.
Thanks for your words! : )
Pam @writewrds recently posted..Happy dance for #tailwags
Bravo! Fucking bravo, Jill!!!
Jen recently posted..How to Make Designer Pancakes
I’ve thought a lot about this in the past two days. I don’t get when this jumped to “I hate my kids”- never once, reading the post in question did I feel she hated her kids. Not for a single second.
If I am being honest, I need to be more concerned about the mistakes I’ve made parenting my son in real life WAY more than anything I’ve said about him on the internet. If my son grows up thinking he never annoyed or frustrated me, then he went through his childhood with blinders on.
I am also quite confident that he will know that he was loved to the moon and back.
Because that’s real life. Good, bad, ugly and beautiful.
The part about all this that I find quite ironic is the outrage our community had over “mommy wars”. Apparently, we don’t need Anderson Cooper stirring things up, we seem to be able to knock each other down just fine without his help.
I am 11 years into motherhood. When I look back about the times I felt like a failure, or unworthy or horrible about the job I was doing it was always due to a rude, judgmental comment of another mother. That is sad.
Having said that, the blogworld, and the moms in it, have offered me more love, laughter, kindness and support than I could have ever imagined. You are one of those moms.
TiffanyRom {SITSGirls} recently posted..How To Organize and Declutter Your Closet
What??? You mean my kids will one day READ? Oh. my. God. And they might read what **I** write? Oh saints preserve us! The horror! We should all stop writing immediately, and shut down ALL electronic media. We wouldn’t want our children to grow up thinking they have anything less than a Stepford mom! Just imagine–one day they might realize that mothers are human, with flaws, frustrations, and ::gasp:: sometimes humor, sarcasm, and no small amount of intelligence and writing ability!
Love recently posted..Guitars, Guitars, Guitars, and more damn guitars…
“I wonder if the bee in their bonnet is less about other moms having these thoughts, and more about their resentment that this new generation of moms is daring enough to vocalize our frustrations, instead of bottling them up.”
In 1992, while raising my babies and toddlers, our “venting” took place at McDonald’s play lands as our children climbed on germ-“infested” slides and ended up at the bottom of bouncy balls laced with hypodermic needles! “Venting” often required a shower, a little make-up, packing up the kids in car seats, coats, sippy cups, and $10!
Connecting face-to-face most likely filtered some of our more colorful words, however, sentiments and frustrations were no different than those expressed here on this site regarding raising children, toddlers and husbands
Supportive, caring, women gathered weekly to reflect on the positive and relate to the negative and offered hope for a better tomorrow! We drank a lot of “free-refill” diet coke as well.
“Resentment” is not a word I would choose to describe the new generations of blogging Moms, but wonderment! Mothering is certainly not a NEW phenomenon as one can simply visit a retirement center and know that these lovely beings had mothers who fed, nurtured, and cleaned-up after them with no thought of FB, Twitter, Pinterest posts posted or read.
Wonderment: curiosity about something. A state of awed admiration or respect!
Mommy bloggers of all types are redefining the marketing and advertising industry by their “venting”. “We” all feel we are experts and want to gather our flocks via FB, Twitter, Pinterest, etc, to share our wealth of knowledge in hopes of creating a better future for our children, RIGHT?
Although our core tells us to be nurturers and non-judgemental to other’s choices, we desperately want to succeed and compete in the re-defining industry and not be LEFT BEHIND!
Although not in agreement with the style of some of the venting, I do recognize Mothers and their deep admiration for children and never have, never will JUDGE another “science project” in the making, just simply wish you the best day possible with those lovelies abiding in your home!
Parenting is a Science Project! Perhaps the greatest Science Project in the Elementary School of Life.
Stephanie Bishop recently posted..Wrestling: how I feel about my son "challenging" a girl?
Thank you, Jill! The self righteous bullshit that some peeps dish out gets old; thanks for calling out the haters.
Suz recently posted..Sorry, Dude
i have read pretty much ALL of your stuff, and i haven’t found anything disturbing, or alarming, or 10 things i haven’t thought myself at one point or another…..and my kids are great! i obviously haven’t screwed them up….what are they bitching about? are they just determined to give you free publicity?
I am for sure guilty of complaining about my kids online. And you know what, that’s fine. Mothering isn’t easy and yes, we should be able to vent and talk about it. I don’t think anyone believes that we should only write about the sunshine and rainbows of being a parent, because it’s not authentic or true.
The point, as I read in another comment on another post (ahem), and in a few comments here, is that there is a very important distinction between saying you dislike some of your children’s behavior and saying you dislike your children. And I think that’s a really, really important distinction to make.
As for mothers telling other mothers how to behave, I have written about it many, many times (just the other day, even) and I’m fully on board with you on that point. We are grown ups who make our own decisions. And as far as I know, no one told anyone how to mother, but simply suggested that, perhaps, we (as a whole) need to be more selective in choosing our words. Because, to bring it back to your guest post since that is what you’re specifically referring to here, saying “I don’t like my kids” is very different from saying “I really can’t stand it when my kids do this,” “My kids drive me crazy sometimes” or “My kids won’t let me pee alone and it makes me want to rip my hair out.”
Meghan recently posted..Reading Effing Rainbow
I think it is our job as parents to teach our children that our lives can be beautiful & worthwhile even if it’s not perfect. I would much rather someone express their frustrations in a healthy manner than bottle it all up inside like a dark, ugly secret.
And for those that think it is ok to say “I don’t like my child’s behavior, actions, whining, etc” but not “I don’t like my child sometimes”–it is the same thing. We don’t like people based on their actions & behaviors.
If you feel the need to play word games, may I suggest Scrabble during family game night.
That is a comment sounding like it’s itching for a rude response. However I wont go there. What I said, was meant in regards to my son. When evaluated he has been determined to have a low self esteem. One of the things suggested to me was to ensure that I make sure he knows that it is his actions I dont like, not him.
Jillian,
My comment was not aimed directly at you. I can say to my children “I don’t like you right now” and they can tell me exactly why. They know it has everything to do with their behavior & not who they are as a whole. If your child has self esteem issues, then by all means, make that distinction for him because it will help him feel better about himself. I am all for doing what is necessary to help your child! But just because it is necessary for your son, doesn’t mean that others have to walk that tightrope with their kids. Each child, parent & family dynamic is different & each will have different things that work & don’t work.
It is our job to take care of our families to the best of our ability…not to judge what others are doing. I was simply stating my opinion & if I offended you, then I am sorry.
I dont begin to imagine that it’s needed for other kids. Thats why I said -I- make sure to make the distinction. Some kids are born amazingly self assured, and I envy them, one of my friends has a child like that. You could tell her she has boogers hanging out of her nose, and she would tell you “Yup, and they look good on me” I LOVE that little girl! lol. I wish a little of it would rub off on my kiddo. Maybe I just took that first comment to heart a little too much. My parenting skills have been attacked lately, so defensiveness is the norm for me lately. My apologies for taking a generic comment to heart. :)
Yup. And any questions the kids might have about this stuff will be answered when they have their own sometimes frustrating children.
Nina recently posted..Focusing on Fitness Without Making our Kids Crazy
Bravo! Well put. I especially appreciate your point about how people cope with the difficulties of parenthood. If you work really hard to keep up a perfect image all the time, there’s got to be some sort of dysfunction under the surface.
Thank you for what you do. Your blog has been an inspiration to letting go of perfection and starting my own blog.
Recovering Supermom recently posted..What’s to Love About Motherhood?
i also think that pretending that parenthood is all sunshine and rainbows does a terrible disservice to children, AND to other mothers. i LOVE ScaryMommy, and all the women here because they are very REAL, not some airbrushed and botoxed version of what other people THINK motherhood should be like.
Love it! Thanks, I am so happy you have the maturity to speak openly. I tell my son he is the best thing to ever happen to me, that I will always love him but sometimes I do not like his actions. I think its important kids (hell people too) know not everything will always be love and butterflies and its how we react to the other stuff that counts. Thanks for reacting with humor and a blog rather than abuse or drugs. Good for you!
When I first started blogging I felt the need to explain myself constantly. I was crushed and mortified that people thought that I was a horrible mother, or worse, didn’t love my children simply for the fact that I admitted that they drove me mad. The earlier years of motherhood in particular, I have found, can be heartbreakingly lonely, overwhelmingly frustrating, and so painful when confronted with the fact that being a Mommy isn’t all rainbows and sunshine like everyone led me to believe.
I say God bless those of us that are honest and brave enough to tell it like it is…helping other Moms in the process.
Oh and for my kids feeling hurt at some point in the future? By that point I hope that my genuine love for them and the kind of mother I have been will help them read my prior posts and learn that having kids is rough, being honest with your emotions via a healthy outlet can keep you sane, and when they read all the lovey-gushy posts they will see I wasn’t lying about those either.
Keep up the honesty! Love it!
The Mommy Therapy recently posted..Nit, Gnat, Note
Brava, Jill! :)
Vanessa
Fucking bravo. Love you. xoxo
tracy recently posted..Felt Valentine Heart Hair Clip Tutorial For the Real Mom
I tell my kids the same thing: you do not have to like everyone, but you do have to be kind and respectful.
However, I distinctly remember my mom telling me the same thing when I was young, and me thinking it was total crap. If they weren’t being nice, why should I have to be?
But that is why I’m one of the nice people in the world (at least I like to think so). Hopefully I will raise three more kind people. There are too many idiot bullies in the world!
Sharon {Grumpy, Sleepy, and Bashful} recently posted..This Is Getting Ridiculous, Folks
Agree Sharon, we still have to be nice. Being a bully should never be an option.
MyFavoriteBarbie recently posted..Barbie Collector GOLD Label CHRISTABELLE Doll
Perfect response. Fuck the mean girls.
Amen, friend. Amen.
Galit Breen recently posted..Dinner Conversations
Damn straight. And I love you even fucking more, Jill, for writing this. I can’t even think of anything else to say.
Arnebya recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: Is That You, George?
AND… we should take with a grain of salt the stuff our kids are going to tweet, text and facebook about US!
Yes, exactly Dr. G! I don’t have my kids on my fb page – I don’t need them to see me having a whinge….nor do I need to see what they are saying about me every 5 mins. I do go and check their pages from time to time to make sure it’s still just ‘whinge about mum, or whoever’ that is going on – but a ‘little’ privacy is what it’s about.
Feral007 recently posted..The Phone Macarena!
The internet adds anonymity to judging others. It’s easy to make yourself feel high and moral by bashing people online, especially when it’s something you would never consider saying to someone’s face. The girls that used to put us down by snickering in the gym when we walked by are now the girls that put us down by attacking our need to vent. I’m glad you sent out your own personal F you to those Bs. Awesome.
And here I am failing at technology…
Amira recently posted..My body is a shrine to my children
Perfect! I am a psychotherapist and I actually think it is detrimental for kids to think their parents like them all the time. If they are not aware that their actions are annoying, frustrating or exasperating to their parents at some point, they will grow up believing that this will be true of everyone. It also gives them the sense that there is a gray area in life. It’s not “I love you or I don’t love you.” It’s “I love you but sometimes I don’t like the things you do.” People who grow up not realizing that there is a gray area tend to become very unhappy at some point in their lives, because that’s just not how life works.
KS–Baltimore, Maryland (One of your hometown peeps!)
Kathryn, You’re so correct.
MyFavoriteBarbie recently posted..Barbie Collector GOLD Label CHRISTABELLE Doll
How many times have I said to my children, “I love you but I REALLY don’t like what you just did….” Oh. A lot. I’m not afraid to let them see that I am angry (or tell them I am) or see me cry. They need to know parents are human, too.
Kate @ Modern Alternative Mama recently posted..Is Salt Good or Bad?
Thank you, guys, for all of the support. I’m all cooled off and glad it’s the weekend. Hopefully a kinder, gentler blog-land awaits next week. :)
Thank you -thank you – thank you Jill!
Moms like you keep me sane! Thank you for
your posts-love them all!
Yes. Yes and Yes. Well said. Thank you!
It’s so frustrating how many people think that they can tell you what is right and wrong in parenting. I too, will NEVER say, write, or even think, that I hate my child, but we all have a right to say how we are feeling. I say “Mind your own business and spend some time with your kids!” to those who think that it is the best use of their time to tell you how/what to think and feel.
Cassie recently posted..Getting Things Because I Lack Hair
It’s not normal to like everyone all of the time and that includes our children. This article is well written, thanks for your honesty.
MyFavoriteBarbie recently posted..Barbie Collector GOLD Label CHRISTABELLE Doll
You are fricken AWESOME and I love reading your posts!
Amen. Please don’t ever stop writing because it is detrimental that we all share the TRUTH with each other! Sarcasm is a definite survival tool in this parenting biz, and I don’t trust any women I meet who can’t go there!
Agree, Perfect people scare me…
MyFavoriteBarbie recently posted..Barbie Collector GOLD Label CHRISTABELLE Doll
oopps, sorry, all day migraine – I didn’t mean detrimental that we all share, I meant detrimental for us NOT to share!
Amen, amen, amen! Well done.
Gigi recently posted..How to make yourself look like a blithering idiot to the IT department….and your bosses.
A-freaking-men!
Cdnkaro recently posted..Two surprising children’s stories that make me blubber like an idiot
I’ve posted more times than I can count on FB about how something my children did or said really annoyed me. But you know? The posts about how I was proud or happy about something they did or said actually outweigh the complaints. I hope that’s what they take away from it, should they ever go back and read all my old posts. “Mom was frustrated with us sometimes…but mostly she really loved us.”
Kate @ Modern Alternative Mama recently posted..Is Salt Good or Bad?
Agree completely…
MyFavoriteBarbie recently posted..Barbie Collector GOLD Label CHRISTABELLE Doll
My teenagers have a bit of a chuckle over what I have to say about them. They’ve lived with me long enough to know that sometimes saying some things and trying to find the funny and the silver lining is more than a human being can manage. They have been known to say………Mum I did that just so you’d have something to put in your blog! Cheeky little blighters! And yes, I love them desperately, but I struggle at times and they know it. I think that when they are parents it might be interesting and even validating for them when they feel like they can’t cope, to think, well Mum got there in the long run; guess we can too! Ali
Feral007 recently posted..The Phone Macarena!
It’s amazing how easily we forget our hardships as we go through them. The constant feeding and lack of sleep in the beginning gets muddled until it seems like it was no big deal. I’m sure the same will be true of the tantrums my daughter is demonstrating on a daily basis and the teenage eye rolling I know will happen in the years to come. I am glad that I write whatever I do, so when or if my daughter goes back to read what I have written she will find the reality of my experience with motherhood. And then, I hope, that when she is a mother she will find comfort in knowing we’ve all been there and most of us survive. The world is not just full of happy emotions. It’s full of an enormous range of emotions. How foolish it is to think that the only emotions worth sharing are positive ones. I want to help her learn to handle all of her emotions because they are all important. Just like mine are as her mother – good, bad, and ugly. Right on, ScaryMommy! That’s why I love this site!
Sarah recently posted..Good Morning, My Friend
Bravo
Debbie recently posted..Christmas 2011 pictures part 2
So true! Good on you Jill :) This is one place where I can come to that I don’t feel like a total failure because everything is not always sunshine and roses and it’s a relief to know that there are other mommies out there who go though the same things. One day when our kids are older and have families of their own, they will experience the same or similar ups and down of parenthood, and I will most likely direct them to your site and tell them, “It’s ok, you are not alone” ;)
Although I agree 110% with pretty much everything you write, I haven’t been able to find it in me to blog the way you do. Keep on doing your thing girl and writting my thoughts word for word :)
Jen recently posted..Seriously?
Amen.
Those people also need to think critically and stop taking everything so literally. But that’s another post entirely.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Waving the White Flag
It’s funny to me how this became a thing when it didn’t need to be, especially since the thing you’re responding to never, ever mentioned your blog at all. You made it personal, which it wasn’t intended to be, and which the author clarified in the comments.
No one every said you shouldn’t vent about your frustration as a parent. If you read, really read instead of skim and decide you’re offended, you’ll realize that. All of us vent from time to time, it’s the way you do it. There is a tremendously huge difference between my kids are driving me crazy and I don’t like my kids. One of these is a vent, the other is an admission that cannot be taken lightly.
No one is asking mothers to be happy and cheerful about their kids all the time because this is the real world, there are just those of us who are suggesting that there is a reason to choose your words carefully.
Katie recently posted..The Downside of Happy
She took it personally because it was posted on HER site. She defended her right to allow the words that were written on HER site. She defended the guest speaker on HER site. Did you read the tweets from this author who clarified herself? If you did, why are you still here, suggesting she had no right to be offended. It wasn’t even about taking it personally. It was about being seen as a leader among women who have had ENOUGH of mothers who believe their kids are eternally fragile.
I have to laugh because it’s clear that you missed something entirely. We are not even talking about the same people, which just makes this so much more absurd. Take a breath, you don’t have to defend everyone, and more importantly, my disagreeing with Jill doesn’t mean she needs to be defended at all. Disagreeing with someone is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Can we all just take a minute to let that sink in? We can disagree, we might even be better for it.
It saddens me terribly how lightly you take the fragility of childhood, because guess what? Kids ARE fragile, at least psychologically. I sincerely hope that you would never tell your kids you hate them. We are grown ups, there’s just no excuse for not being able to verbalize things politely to anyone, especially children.
Katie recently posted..The Downside of Happy
Katie– The point, for me, is that it’s insulting to insinuate that we don’t consider the words we put out there about our kids– I consider EVERYTHING, whether or not people agree with the decisions. We all do what we are comfortable with and feeling judged for those decisions sucks. And, nowhere has anyone ever used the word hate. Semantics, sure, but an important clarification.
I feel a sense of responsibility for my guest posters when things like this happen— I didn’t view the post as controversial and never forsaw the reaction. If it had been about a post I wrote, of which I am used to criticism for, I would not have reacted at all.
We’re all doing the best we can, and fucking up along the way. Myself included, of course.
Anyone else ready to move on? :)
I’m sure my son will one day laugh at the stuff I wrote about him. And if he ever has kids it will give him a better understanding of what his wife is going through!
Jessica@MakingHomeSweeter recently posted..11 Months Old
I never comment but i do read your blog a lot and i just wanted to stop and tell you after reading this post I love you so much more! you rock!
This post was so on the button I don’t have anything to add!
Thanks so much for this! I was wanting to blog about it soon and was trying to find the words so that I don’t sound like I am yelling! Lol!
Great post!
Posting things online is soo much cheaper than therapy.
If you think your kids might be damaged by what you posted, post anonymously. It will save the kids from being damaged.
If you want to teach your kids that not everything is perfect, post as yourself and tell your kids to wait until they are parents, they’ll understand then. Life is not all sunshines and roses, and lollypops!!
Regina recently posted..Organize my kitchen puleeeze!
And this is why I love you.
Hear! Hear! I agree completely, Jill. We mothers may not ALWAYS agree, but we should always treat each other with kindness and respect. And our kids will certainly suffer worse tragedies thn discovering that I don’t really “like” them sometimes. And when they grow up and have kids of their own, they, too, will one day say, “Now I understand. I don’t like my kids either sometimes.” Thank you, Jill, for saying clearly what the rest of us struggle to explain.
What you have the courage to do is speak the truth that so many of us relate to. Thanks for your courage, your acts of bravery and your love and trust in us all here. Loving you right back. x
sarah waldin recently posted..the humaness of holding on …
the pain in the ass lady who is saying the EXACT SAME THING Jill is saying, and then chastising her needs to get back to her own blog. if it’s so disturbibg to her that we are confiding in each other, she needs to get off our site and take a xanax or something. or get back on the “better than thou” train.
EXACTLYYYYYYY…well said.
Pamela recently posted..Scary Facebook Wake-Up Call
AMEN!!!! It’s about time someone says it like it is!
Jennifer recently posted..Incomprehensible….
So judging from the number of comments here, this is a bit of an issue for a few mothers out there.
I agree that putting truly vicious things down in writing for the public to see is wrong – it’s wrong whether it’s about your kids or anything else. Those feelings are usually the result of frustration and not things to be taken seriously. I agree that a child who manages to make it to adulthood without a complete understanding of sarcasm is missing a very useful coping mechanism. I spent much of my son’s childhood telling him, “Don’t make me beat you.” Did I ever beat him? NO, but it let him know I was getting frustrated with him.
The problem often is that Mom’s with easier children think that their children behave because of they way they have parented them. This allows them to feel superior, that they’ve done a better job than that other mother.
While parenting definitely does contribute, children’s personality quirks, temperament, and special needs are usually the cause of the difficult behaviors. I have children that were at both ends of the spectrum. After much soul searching I decided that I simply do not have the level of mental illness that would be required to have parented them THAT differently.
I had people tell me that they could NEVER put their child on medication. My answer was usually, “Then you don’t have a child like mine.” Without meds, he got in trouble more, had trouble playing and focusing, got yelled at constantly – how is making his daily existence a misery better than giving him a drug that might make him be an inch shorter?
Those awesome mothers with perfect children might try kindly giving a mom having a hard time a few suggestions on how she handled things. Maybe she has a technique that imperfect mom hasn’t tried and she can be helpful. More than likely, though, she will find out that she’s damn lucky she found something that worked with HER kids.
If by chance a person’s child should someday see their parents posts about them they will most likely be somewhere in or near their teens and all I could think of was substituting the word “children” with “parent”, in this statement.
-Do you get annoyed by your parent? Frustrated? Exasperated? Exhausted? Do you admit to this annoyance on your blog or on your Facebook page or on any other medium that may somehow be discovered by them someday?
By the time they find their parent’s post, they most likely will be feeling/saying/posting about their parent like what their parent felt about them, so many years ago, believe me, they will understand.
At that point we will have to be understanding as well because our commenting about our kids and then our kids/teens commenting about us is how it is.
No matter where it has been said, to our closest friend and now on the Internet; these things have always been said throughout history.
To be cliche; It’s the circle of life
Well, I happened to some how miss this drama this past week. Was too caught up in all the other drama going on online between moms. Apparently, it was a particularly ugly week. *sigh* But I have read a lot of posts like yours. Women are standing up and saying, “Enough already!” Which is great.
I wrote this post on The Mom Pledge blog about the approach some people take when they read something they don’t agree with:
http://www.themompledgeblog.com/2012/01/enough.html
I have always believed in “live and let live.” I don’t understand why it can be so hard for some.
Thanks for writing this post. You have the ability to reach many with the message, and it’s an important one.
WELL SAID, SISTA! Ever since I got pregnant, my mom has been telling me to my face how difficult I was and that she hopes “the table is round”. But, I know she loves me very much and we talk everyday. Hearing that I was a pain in the tookus, doesn’t hurt me in the least. Just makes me appreciate her all the more.
Kate@zMOMbie recently posted..Birth Story of Eleanor & Hurricane Irene
I love this post. I really do. I think sometimes mothers fail to realize that we are NOT each other’s enemy. We are in this together, with the same goals in mind: raising happy, healthy, well adjusted, unconditionally loved children. We may take different paths, but the goal is the same. Showing kindness and support is always far more effective than showcasing judgement. Thank you Jill for keeping it real. Love you lady!
Here, here!!
Well put Jill- thank you!
Also, don’t forget that because our kids are growing up in the digital age and accustomed to posting every single thing THEY think and feel on FB, they don’t really think twice about us doing the same thing. Part of me thinks they secretly like being the subject of a blog, even if it is occasionally unflattering…
The Unvarnished Mom recently posted..For the Love of Siblings
My out is manicures while my kids are at daycare and im supposed to be folding laundary
True story. And speaking the the consequences of posting things on the internet, I wonder what the children of overcritical moms would think if they ever came across these comments and posts later on in life, and how they would feel reading about how their mothers judged and condemned other moms who are just trying to find a healthy way to get through the rough days in life…
Sarah@grownupnow recently posted..13 Things to Keep in Mind with Friday the 13th Tattoo Specials
Thank you for this. I JUST had this conversation with my mom today!
Meredith Bland recently posted..Car-versations and the Tragedy of the Lost Balloon
As someone who can never have kids due to medical issues, I don’t understand why people don’t appreciate. I’ve helped raise my nephew since birth, he just turned 12. I value every single moment, even the cranky ones. I would never write anything to hurt him on my facebook. Anything I write towards him is something he wouldn’t be offended by or agrees with already. If I write that he had a horrible day and was sarcastic..it’s because I’ve already told him he’s sarcastic. I don’t get why people are upset about “clingy kids” either. At least you have children to love period. I know so many others besides mysel who can’t have kids or who have lost them to illnesses.
Preach, sistah!
Desperately Erin recently posted..My Baby Sister Is 17, You Guys!
Word. (Says with a gangsters inflection)
One of the reasons I feel so compelled to be vocal about this in the first place is exactly the frustration I had that my mom nor any of her peers WERE HONEST or spoke openly about any of this shit!! Whether afraid it would discourage us from having kids of our own, or not wanting to be misunderstood… Regardless of the reason, I was so upset at all the hiding and false information sold me before getting into this… From the people WHO SHOULD BE TEACHING ME WHAT’S AHEAD, oral wisdom lineage and all that!!
So, preach it, sistah!!!
My mother always taught us, her children, not to write personal things down, which could one day be discovered and thus reveal “too much” of ourselves. I remember a huge ugly fight between my eldest sister and her, and indirectly me, when I, as a young child, innocently told my mother of my sister’s journal. It’s one of the defining moments of my relationship with my sister, one that I was always ashamed of. I felt so terrible for getting her into such awful trouble, I felt like a snitch, and I couldn;t understand what was wrong with her beautiful journal, which she and I would gather around and decorate each day after she had written her entry.
Now, as an adult, I have recently begun writing a blog. I don’t know if any of my family follows it, but I don’t ask and they don’t say. It is not something that would be discussed in my family, because we have all been so thoroughly taught not to “reveal too much of ourselves”.
And I think it is sad. Writing helps me process, it helps me mother. It helps me make space in my head. And I have found that, through publishing my thoughts publicly, it has helped others too.
There is freedom and strength in vulnerability. And it is only the real you that can truly touch others.
FennyPenny recently posted..the bottomless tank that is always full….
Good post for mothers who hate their children. Good moms don’t hate their children even they do everything wrong. Mom should love children and care about them. Anyway great motivational post for mad hating moms.!
Thanks!
I love you Scary Mommy. I appreciate raw and real. You are raw and real and exposed. I hate that people judge that, judge you.
A note for those of you who love every minute of your life: I am glad for you. I am happy that you can be happy and thankful and appreciative of every temper tantrum and mess and challenge they throw at you. I have to be honest and say that I am not sure I believe you, I have this visual of you in the fetal position in the corner while your perfect children that you never have to yell at are dancing around you like a sacrifice while you cry. And you can’t tell anyone because that would show your life isn’t perfect. OR you are on something. I could be wrong but whatever, it’s all good. I guess if people think your life is perfect that’s almost the same as if it were. Almost.
As a 19 year old new mom, I watched the entire first season of desperate housewives while nursing my newborn son. It was mainly for entertainment, but there was one part that has always stuck with me. In one of the episodes, in an effort to be super-mom, Lynnette starts taking her kids ADD medication and crashes hard when she stops. There is a scene of her crying at a soccer field and the other characters talk about through the hardships they went through and she says “why didn’t you guys ever tell me?” (or somethings along those lines).
My point is, unless we want to go insane, we HAVE to talk about the hardships! In an “I’m more perfect than you” world, I try to rebel as best I gain. My motto has always been “if you’re trying and actually thinking about your parenting, then you will be fine” Everyone does the best with what they have, so how do you get more? By learning from others! We can’t learn if we don’t talk about it.
Parenting is a bitch, I had my 2 year old simultaneously trying to pull my pants down and screaming at me while I tried to open up a freaking cans of beans (stupid f-ing broken can opener didn’t make it easier either!) as part of dinner last night. Amazingly, 90 seconds later when she had her plate and spoon, the world was good again.
Everyone has their frustrating times! We’re not going to blast it all out on Facebook or twitter, but we do need an outlet. Maybe others are fortunate to have a really supportive family or mommy group, for the rest of us we relish in being able to come check out your blog :-)
A few years ago, Ayelet Waldman got a LOT of heat for saying something different, but related: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html
I think that most mom’s are not completely honest with themselves or others. I have been a single mom since I was 20. I have 2 children with 2 dads. My boys are 13 and 8 years old and I love them with all my heart. But yes they make me made and do things that drive me crazy. I admit that I enjoy my time without them to be just me. I feel that I never had my crazy 20′s. I went basically straight from being a kid to a mom without any time to figure me out. There are times I even wonder how my life my have been if I hadn’t had my first son so young without the father. Do I tell my boys this of course not. But I do believe I have the right to feel however I do and not put labeled a bad mom because I don’t spend every minute with my children and do want a life of my own also. You have to or what will you do when they are gone. I didn’t plan my life to end up where I am no. I wouldn’t trade my boys for anything but that doesn’t mean I am not allowed an occasional fantasy about how my life would have been if things would have happened differently. Nor do I feel its wrong to be happy when the grandparents want them for the weekend and I can spend quality time alone with my fiance…I do feel that too many are pressured to say I wouldn’t have my life any other way regardless of what you may really feel at times