Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
- Perfection (Or pretty close) - June 3, 2013
Christa Graham blogs about starting a business without starving the kids – physically, financially, or emotionally. There are some tips, and some pleas for help, but mostly it’s me laughing out loud because crying makes my face look all scrunchy and ugly. Eeeeewwwww. Laugh with me at Mom Paper Scissors.
I have a tween. A girl – the most savage of all tweenkind. My goal is to survive. Not win, just survive. She is my first-born so I have no previous experience to help me, only a stash of vodka coupons and a therapist foolish enough to give me his home phone number. (Duct tape is an amazing motivator.) When she turned 11 I thought, “I will be able to handle this. She’s only ONE little girl.” Now that she’s on the brink of 12, I realize she is not only one little girl. She is actually 7 multiple personalities ranging in age from 3 to 40. Let me introduce them.
The BFF Age: 35-40 This woman goes with me to get manicures, chats over lattes at Starbuck’s (always my treat), and goes out of her way to listen to my problems and help in any way possible. The BFF doesn’t come around very often but when she does you can hear the angels singing from above.
The Sweetheart Age: 6 This is the sweetest, dearest little girl you will ever meet. She loves to snuggle and give kisses. She will climb up on the couch next to you on any given night just to tell you how much she loves you. She comes around even less than the BFF.
The Devil’s Twin Age: Unknown This evil twin usually lurks around my house during late afternoon hours. She looks exactly like the BFF or the Sweetheart but when you speak to her burning acid shoots out of her mouth and does not stop until you flee the room, screaming profanities. Occasionally she rears her ugly head early in the morning so beware.
The Einstein/Miss Independent Age: 11-20 This girl knows everything and can do everything herself. Everything. The easiest way to identify her is by her language. She only speaks two words, “I know.”
The Mature One Age: 18-22 This is a young woman who knows how to handle herself. She tackles every chore with maturity. She does things without being asked. She engages in conversation with adults in a way that makes you consider admitting you are her parent. Unfortunately, she does not come around very often.
The Baby Age: 3-5 Often confused with the Drama Queen, this child believes every single, itty, bitty, teeny, weeny injury is a near-death experience. She once asked to go to the emergency room because she bent her hair.
The Drama Queen Age: 10-20 This girl is very similar to the Baby. However, she does not need to be injured to believe the world is ending. She only needs to be breathing. No clean jeans to wear? End of world. Can’t find her hairbrush? End of world. It’s Tuesday and she wants it to be Wednesday? End of world. Please note, the Drama Queen can instantly transform into the Devil’s Twin without any warning or notice.
That is everybody living in my daughter’s body. At least for today. I will be sure to let you know if anyone new moves in when she reaches the ripe old age of 12.
Lord help me.
{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh lord, is this what I have to look forward with my TWO girls?!? yikes! They are under age of 3 right now, so I better enjoy these single digit years!
Skye Diaz | motherhood, etc. recently posted..growing up fast: converting crib to toddler bed
Haha, that’s funny!
You know, I can think of a few grown up women I can apply all these personalities to……….
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Tips, Ideas and Advice
Sad but true. That could be a whole post on its own. Don’t I know you from Twitter?
OMG! This is hilarious. I totally know what you mean as I have an 11 year old as well and my god, the similarities are uncanny. The best is the drama queen. Just yesterday the tweenager was sitting on the couch in her best “end of the world” voice: “I’m bored…. I’M boooooooooooored, BORED! So very bored. I think I may die…” Talk about drama! Thanks for this, I so needed a laugh and to know there are others out there like me who have their own piece of tweenhood :)
Robin recently posted..Mom and babe group
You are not alone. Mine is turning twelve this month and I’m scared. Also, I’m pretty sure we’re experiencing her first bout of PMS. Pray for me.
You are so dead on with these ages and stages ; )
LOVE this.
I totally want a girl.
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Brenda’s Bridal Shower {Holly Brooks Farm, Perkasie}
I have witnessed all of the above personalities in my 5yo niece! My sister is going to have her hands full, for sure. I’ve always wanted a girl, but am finished having children after 2 boys (I’m 39, and my youngest is 7mo). Having seen the drama my sister deals with, I’m more than happy to deal with the jumping off the furniture, boo boos and dirt that comes with boys!
Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl recently posted..“What are you doing?”
Ha I’m gonna add your blog to my reader. This post was funnnnnny! I like how the evil one is age unknown. I know that feeling when 3 year olds act very evil and you don’t know WHO THEY ARE ANYMORE!
Anthony from CharismaticKid recently posted..Punishment and Removing Privileges: Am I Withdrawing Love from My Child?
Thank you for the comment. Did you add scarymommy.com or to your reader? I ask because I realized today that I had set up my feedburner address incorrectly. If you subscribed to mompaperscissors you may have to do it again. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks again for your kind words.
Ok ill do that one now.
Anthony from CharismaticKid recently posted..Punishment and Removing Privileges: Am I Withdrawing Love from My Child?
So funny, I guess it would remind my mom of my own childhood. I’m so happy I have a little boy, though. Boys are different, right? RIGHT??
Mommy’s Paradise recently posted..It’s Sweet Tooth Tuesday: Easy Healthy Sweet Potato Raisin Muffins
Oh this so describes my 12 year old girl. There is one more personality that should be added: “Daddy’s Little Girl”: Age 7-this personalilty is a testing ground for guy manipulation in the later years. You can see full use of doe eyes, enchanting smiles and doting in order to get out of chores, get him to buy her things and recruit him against her evil mom.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..So Frustrating That I Just Want to Scream
How could I have forgotten “Daddy’s Little Girl”?! That’s perfect.
I think you hit the nail on the head with this one…lol
Oh Lordy. My first-born is only nine and I already recognize many of these alter-egos. They’re shape shifters, those adolescent girls. Laughed out loud at the ER visit for bent hair…
TheKitchenWitch recently posted..“I Feel Like Ass” Tea
Me too! scared and stocking up on wine!! 9 going on 13! Then 2, 20…
It all started at the age of 9! You have some fun days ahead of you.
I have two girls, only 18 months apart. Right now they are 2,5 and one year old so I figure I have plenty of time to stock up on those vodka coupons.
Tinne from T and T recently posted..Call of the jeans
I have three of those. Three little girls 8 and under that will all be tween and teens some day. Can I borrow a vodka coupon?
Seriously Sassy Mama recently posted..Sleep Over Crazy Fun Continues…
Thank YOU! For the great laugh with my morning coffee after a night where I stayed up tooooooo late transfixed by the tv trash that is ‘Dance Moms’. I don’t judge anyone, so please don’t judge me. This blog entry was better than the alternative stale bagel that was waiting to be paired up with my morning wake the hell up. Although my little Ms. Multiple Personality is only just over the ripe old hump of 3, I can already see some of this. And am scared shitless for what’s to come. Thanks for the warning. I’ll start stock piling my vodka coupons now.
Kids are fun, and vodka is great too. Unfortunately for me now the kids learn all about drinking and what it does to your body. So when I decided that i was going to have a couple of drinks on a Friday night, mind you I was at home, my tween now teen told me I was a binge drinker lol! I was to stunned, I didn’t even know what the precise definition was, which she shared with me. She had learned this in school and was now imparting her wisdom on me. Thanks for the post Scary Mom, this was pretty awesome!!!
Dance Moms?! The daughter that inspired this post is addicted to that show! Abby Lee’s voice makes me want to run screaming from the room. I’m not judging but I am laughing. :)
I agree with you on Abby Lee! Her voice and tact remind me of Sam Kinison (sp?). I have no defense except that I have terrible insomnia and I was in a total tv coma. I could have been watching an informercial for a pooper scooper and never known the difference. Sad but true.
I have 4 of these creatures living in my home. I already knew I was screwed, thanks for confirming it ;) My 8 year old already shares in “many personality disorder,” my 4 year old is getting there, and my 2 year old is watching by to see how it’s all done. Pray for me, but more importantly, pray for my son in the middle of it all! lol Great post!
I love it! My first daughter was fairly easy compared to the second, now 14. She is more than a handful. I am just hoping to survive, knowing they do come back to themselves somewhere around 16 or so is what keeps me going. I too am hoping boys are easier, but he’s only 9 and I’m sure I’ll be too tired to care much after the girls!.
OMG! That is so spot on. I have a 10 year old girl she has been having (at least) 7 personalities for almost a year now.
Thank you for reminding me that I am not the only mother with a Tween daughter. But I think you forgot to add that she can go from Miss know it all to having amnesia (sorry for the spelling, had to hit the rum pretty early) Amnesia – any age, this one can’t remember anything you tell her but can remember anytime you haven’t fulfilled her every whim.Which eventually results with The devil’s twin visiting.
PERFECT!!!
Has she started her period yet? Because that’s when it gets really fun. Mine will be 15 in January. Devil’s Twin is comes around especially in the mornings and ESPECIALLY about one week a month. Heaven help me.
On the flip side, I do still get lots of snuggles, believe it or not. And the BFF stuff is pretty cool. But there is also a boyfriend. Yeah. Forget the vodka – pass the Xanax.
buffi recently posted..He has varied interests
I use the vodka to help swallow the Xanax. ; )
Oh, I have NEVER done that *coughcough* at least not that I can remember….
buffi recently posted..He has varied interests
Freaking hilarious. I think many of these may live in me from time to time as well!
Also? This mostly applies to my son, too, so maybe boys aren’t THAT different. Subway sandwich runs replace manicures, but otherwise, yep. Super heavy on The Sweetheart, Baby, and Einstein. Only The Einstein seems to be monopolizing everyone else’s time lately. I got to prove him wrong the other day. Highlight of my week.
Kimberly Hosey (Arizona Writer) recently posted..Monday goodies: Sunsets
That sounds just like my seventeen year old. I can’t keep count of her personalities.
I’m actually laughing out loud at the nail salon and getting looks. Hilarious! I have two girls, 5 and 3, and am dreading the pre-teen/teen years. My daughters already have these personalities! Scary! Thanks for the laughs!
My daughter will be seven in December and I’m already seeing shades of the attitude. I’m so dreading going through those tween years.
Jennifer recently posted..A vlog that may just save your life…
God knew what he was doing when he gave me a little boy. I don’t think anyone (me or the child) could survive a girl!
Life As Wife recently posted..Love Life: Post-Baby
I have one daughter and at the age of 4, she scares me. God help me when she is a tween/teen.
Jen recently posted..I am a Yeller
You captured that perfectly!!! I have a 13 yr old girl. I’m hoping the drama stage doesn’t last long.
Melinda recently posted..Give Me All the Juicy Details
That was a great post! I can relate 100% and you laid everything out beautifully. My daughter is 13 and she is many of those personalities. As time goes on, unfortunately, I see less of the Starbucks 35 year old and more of the “I know” Einstein. Once I was a friend, someone cool to be around. Now I am an embarrassment. It hurts, but it is good to know everyone else experiences this too. Once again, fantastic post!
Jeanine recently posted..Airbrushed Parents
You are not alone! Thanks for such a sweet comment.
This is perfect. Survival is the name of the game. I have a 16 and 14 year old and the flip-flopping is so dead on! In fact, my husband will sometimes ask when arriving at the end of the day “Who is here today, SuzyQ or the OTHER SuzyQ?”
I’m still waiting for when they “come back”. I’m told it’s not until the 20′s….
crap.
Kelly recently posted..Be Enough Me: I Am Not Ready For School
My daughter turns 13 tomorrow and I can relate to every single one of these. Ahhh, if only the BFF and the Mature One would show up more often…they are so great! And hopefully a glimpse of what is to come once they get past all the angst. :)
So true! Almost peed myself from laughing reading this post … thanks so much for that … I really needed a laugh since mine is 13.
I love to make people pee. Wait. What? You know what I mean, right?
Sadly, I find that most of those people are alive and well inside of boys, too. I have a 12 year old son and he is a right fun old time.
tracey – justanothermommy recently posted..In Which I Become Like Steve Irwin
Oh! I relate too well!
My daughter is only 8 and this post could have been about her!
Love, love, love those precious BFF times and the Sweetheart times, but we are so much more familiar with the Devil’s Twin and Einstein times….
I apologize to my own mother daily as I watch my daughter’s moods unfold!
The Grouchy Mom recently posted..Wake The F*ck Up – A Response To Scary Mommy
I think you just wrote about me. I’m 32, so hopefully I’ll grow out it soon.
Reading (and chickens) recently posted..Things I Thought I Knew About Kids, But I Was Wrong
Absolutely hilarious. Twelve year old boy has fewer personalities, but they’re doozies as well.
Thanks for the laugh and godspeed.
Julie recently posted..I’m pregnant! (Just kidding)
Thanks for the warning! I have a 10 year old and I think it wouldn’t be so bad except that she has to share her life with her 7 yo sister, which really cramps her style.
Deanna recently posted..You Capture – Purple & Water
I have a seven year old daughter too. I feel your pain.
I have three daughters. Ages 4, 2 and 10 months! Not ready for those stages. These current stages are hard enough! Lol
That post was great. Thanks so much!
http://www.rebeccabany.com
OMG!! I think you and I have the same daughter, this is hilarious and has made my day, bless you!!!
This describes my sister who is 14 & comes to stay with us (quite often) when her parents need a break! Sometimes she is truly lovely but her multiple personalities often take over. The worst is when she is The Manipulator: This young woman-child acts incredibly sweet, seems like she is The BFF, mixed in with The Sweetheart so you drop your guard & feel safe, then suddenly she drops the bombshell that she wants money/new clothes/phone/go out with friends etc and if you deny her any of this she turns into The Devil Twin. Please approach with caution! I am always dubious of nice behaviour with this tween, espcially as i’m sure she’s teaching her 10 year old sister to follow her example! Men are the main target so My Fiancee and Son will be well advised to watch out!
Oh yes, I have seen the manipulator too. Most of the time she visits my husband (because he’s an easy target) but in times of desperation she will visit me as well.
This is my daughter EXACTLY. Thanks for making my day with this funny (and spot-on) post!
I have a 20 year old daughter, wish I could say that it got better…but um yeah
Wow, I see these personalities and my daughter is only 6. I am in real trouble.
Denise recently posted..Sometimes I Cry
I also have a beautiful little girl with seven personalities that mingle and merge without warning. On the surface she is perfect in every way: smart, witty, oh so cute, caring, compassionate, and empathic. Most often I get to see BFF. Isn’t that nice? But wait, there’s more. Baby and Drama Queen pop out unexpectedly at the most embarrassing times! The common headache can be compared to a near death experience. Foot tapping, hands-on-hips, stop-the-world attitude can be witnessed when things are not going her way. The Devil’s Twin can be seen anytime night or day when my little girl is tired. Einstein/Miss Independent appears most often during family projects. The Sweetheart can almost always be seen in the evening when the children are going to bed and the wine has been poured. Unfortunately, you never know if it’s going to be the Devil’s Twin or the Sweetheart until the cork has been popped. It’s the Mature One that I am blessed with most of the time. She is smart, witty, caring, and oh so cute! I know I said that before but it is worth repeating. There are no words to express how much I love her and how proud I am. You see, it is my little girl that wrote the blog above that we are all posting to. She is referring to my oldest granddaughter. That apple sure didn’t fall too far from the tree.
Awwww. My mom has such nice things to say about me – for the most part. I’ll take every word as a compliment because I know that’s how she meant it. Right, mom?
Of course dear.
Hysterical. And, yeah, that sounds about right. I think that’s what I remember from being 11. And gives me the warm and fuzzies thinking about my daughter turning that age.
Krista recently posted..11 years from now, I’m in big trouble….
That made my morning! You described my almost 12 year old to a tee!! I am still laughing!
Love it!!! Made my day!
Can I have some vodka coupons and emotional eating ones too. I have a 9 yr old going thru the stages and a 7 yr old waiting in the wings. Lord help me.
This is so hysterically true! As the mom of a 16 yr old girl…just wait til she’s a teenager. Vodka? Child’s play. You need 140 proof Rum from the Grand Cayman’s just to cope.
I have to say though, my 9yo son is a bit of a Drama Queen….so I’m not winning any battles OR the war.
Headacheslayer recently posted..19
I also have an 11 year old daughter – this is SO TRUE!! I would like to add one as well. The Granny, age 98: every ache and pain and headache and scratch and bruise is some ominous sign of impending doom. Similar to the drama queen and the baby, but she just reminds me of my grandma sometimes when she starts going on and on about her ailments!
Christi recently posted..Of Student Councils and Public Speaking
HILARIOUS! Also, you’ve officially convinced me to let my girl get to 5 (five is easier than two, right?) and then just keeping her there forever!
Moomser recently posted..Virtual Coffee {22}
Enjoyed this. I have a 3 y.o. and she’s a mix between a Momma’s girl and Miss Independent.
Sometimes I feel like I get a glimpse of the future, and I fear for me.
Carolyn recently posted..Easy Pad Thai
This so my daughter!! Thanks for making me laugh so hard i am crying!! You simply make my day.
Oh tooooo hilarious! I swear my six-year-old is already demonstrating several of these personalities.
Oh believe me there are more personalities out there! I have 7 kids ranging in age from 25-12 and I have seen them all.
I feel like if I EVER get them all grown and on their own I will have to have one hell of a celebration but by then I may be too feeble!
Dealing right now with 4 teens @ one time and my head is spinning. The 21 and older crew well they know it all and when they can’t pay for it ….you know who does! the neverending bank of MOM.
No wonder we’re broke! No wonder there are no great romantic trips….parties tend to happen while we’re away. We’ve learned!
Good luck….parenthood is one hell of a ride!
7?!!! Seriously? I am bowing down to you right now. I don’t know how you do it.
Oh crumbs, I have 3 girls. The first two are polar opposites at the moment and the youngest is too young to work out which way she’s going. I struggle to keep up already. Maybe packing my bags would be the best option??
OMG….you just described my 9 year old daughter!! HA! I feel your pain.
Kim
Kim recently posted..Weekly Meal Plan–September 4, 2011
This totally describes my 11 year old! She is at the phase of I am always right and mom is always wrong. I try to compliment her and she bites my head off, I tell her fine she looks horrible and she bites my head off. Finally in desperation I gave her a piece of paper and told her to write down what she would like me to say to her at any given moment so I’m not saying the wrong things all the time~
My oldest daughter is 13. I do believe I have seen all of these personalities and then some. My other daughter is 10. We already warned her if she acts like her sister we are packing her bags and shipping her off to Zimbabwe.
Oh crap! ………I just had a girl.
And this is why, when the ultrasound tech said the twins were girls I just laughed… Poor hubby — when our oldest child (a boy) leaves for college, he’ll be left at home with three teenaged daughters and a menopausal wife…
IASoupMama recently posted..On Patch.com: Confessions of the Naturally Weird
When I hear new moms talk about how their family/friends tell them how girls are easier then boys I just want to slap them! “You just wait” is usually my response! (while I smile and laugh my evil laugh within…saving my tears for later)
Kimberly Turner recently posted..Visualize Your Dreams: Create Your Vision Board
I’ve been getting a lot of the BFF lately. Which would be wonderful if I didn’t know that meant the Devil’s Twin will soon come to compensate for all the BFF time.
Johanna recently posted..Writer Love
This is why I Screamed at the doctor when my daughter was born “You lying SOB I know you cut something off sew it back on!”
Oh great, my daughter’s turning one in a week I guess I better really start savoring these moments =)
Marta recently posted..You Probably Won’t Read This
This is awesome and so very accurate. My partner is hoping we don’t have a girl in this belly, because she doesn’t want to deal with the tween-teen stage, lol.
Rachael recently posted..2 Ups and 2 Downs
You forgot Miss Financially Independent… she wants to be on her own, pay her own way, show how responsible she is…until she needs gas, groceries, car insurance, a doctor’s appt, dentist appt, or just some money for “the weekend” because she spent her last $6 on Starbucks.
I feel like I want to yell out, like as though I’m rolling dice in craps, “C’mon BFF!!!” after reading this.
I have two little girls.
Jen
Jennifer Burden @WorldMomsBlog recently posted..NEW JERSEY, USA: September 11th, 2011 — Remembrance and Reflection
I’m so looking forward to all of these in my own daughter…
b harper recently posted..the storm shelter
Oh Jeeze. All those people are living in my 9 year old. Wow. Shoot me now, because both of us probably won’t survive her 11 and 12 !