The Multiple Personalities of a Tween Girl

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The Multiple Personalities of a Tween Girl

I have a tween. A girl – the most savage of all tweenkind. My goal is to survive. Not win, just survive. When she turned 11 I thought, “I will be able to handle this. She’s only ONE little girl.” Now that she’s on the brink of 12, I realize she is not only one little girl. She is actually 7 multiple personalities ranging in age from 3 to 40…

1. The BFF Age: 35-40 This woman goes with me to get manicures, chats over lattes at Starbuck’s (always my treat), and goes out of her way to listen to my problems and help in any way possible. The BFF doesn’t come around very often but when she does you can hear the angels singing from above.

2. The Sweetheart Age: 6 This is the sweetest, dearest little girl you will ever meet. She loves to snuggle and give kisses. She will climb up on the couch next to you on any given night just to tell you how much she loves you. She comes around even less than the BFF.

3. The Devil’s Twin Age: Unknown This evil twin usually lurks around my house during late afternoon hours. She looks exactly like the BFF or the Sweetheart but when you speak to her burning acid shoots out of her mouth and does not stop until you flee the room, screaming profanities. Occasionally she rears her ugly head early in the morning so beware.

4. The Einstein/Miss Independent Age: 11-20 This girl knows everything and can do everything herself. Everything. The easiest way to identify her is by her language. She only speaks two words, “I know.”

5. The Mature One Age: 18-22 This is a young woman who knows how to handle herself. She tackles every chore with maturity. She does things without being asked. She engages in conversation with adults in a way that makes you consider admitting you are her parent. Unfortunately, she does not come around very often.

6. The Baby Age: 3-5 Often confused with the Drama Queen, this child believes every single, itty, bitty, teeny, weeny injury is a near-death experience. She once asked to go to the emergency room because she bent her hair.

7. The Drama Queen Age: 10-20 This girl is very similar to the Baby. However, she does not need to be injured to believe the world is ending. She only needs to be breathing. No clean jeans to wear? End of world. Can’t find her hairbrush? End of world. It’s Tuesday and she wants it to be Wednesday? End of world. Please note, the Drama Queen can instantly transform into the Devil’s Twin without any warning or notice.

That is everybody living in my daughter’s body. At least for today. I will be sure to let you know if anyone new moves in when she reaches the ripe old age of 12.

Lord help me.

Comments

  1. 1

    Skye Diaz | motherhood, etc. says

    Oh lord, is this what I have to look forward with my TWO girls?!? yikes! They are under age of 3 right now, so I better enjoy these single digit years!

  2. 2

    Alison@Mama Wants This says

    Haha, that’s funny!

    You know, I can think of a few grown up women I can apply all these personalities to……….

  3. 4

    Robin says

    OMG! This is hilarious. I totally know what you mean as I have an 11 year old as well and my god, the similarities are uncanny. The best is the drama queen. Just yesterday the tweenager was sitting on the couch in her best “end of the world” voice: “I’m bored…. I’M boooooooooooored, BORED! So very bored. I think I may die…” Talk about drama! Thanks for this, I so needed a laugh and to know there are others out there like me who have their own piece of tweenhood :)

  4. 8

    Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl says

    I have witnessed all of the above personalities in my 5yo niece! My sister is going to have her hands full, for sure. I’ve always wanted a girl, but am finished having children after 2 boys (I’m 39, and my youngest is 7mo). Having seen the drama my sister deals with, I’m more than happy to deal with the jumping off the furniture, boo boos and dirt that comes with boys!

    • 9

      Evelyn says

      Cheryl ~ Totally agree with you. My daughter just turned 12 and I have 2 boys ages 5 and 6. I thought I wanted another girl and realized I was so lucky to end up with boys. I will take the punching, dirt, fighting and jumping off the furniture any day over having to deal with her mood swings. I have learned not to speak to her in the morning until she decides to say something. I just never know which personality in lurking in that pretty little head of hers.

      • 10

        says

        Well, I have to say that my girl was easier. Yes, she had her moods, etc. BUT, at least I could talk with her. She is 33 now and she still gets her moods and sometimes I know gets mad at me for whatever injustice she percieves that I’ve done. Sometimes she goes a week without calling (she is out of state) and then when she does, we talk it over and she’s fine.
        However, I also had two boys and let me tell you, when each of them hit 13, all “hell” broke loose. I kept asking what did you do with my child?
        Boys aren’t known to talk about feelings, etc. and I found that to be very true. If they were upset with something, they would clam up and head out the door. Very different parenting boys!

        And then, I think of my poor mom – she had 5 girls and one boy. Can you imagine what it must have been like when all of us were at home? The poor woman didn’t have a prayer!!!!

    • 11

      Katrina says

      I’ve got 3 girls, ages 13, 9, and almost 4, and my smallest precious girl has a TWIN BROTHER!

      It’s not just the boys who bail off of furniture, take stuff apart, get boo boos, and collect dirt! ALL 3 of my girls have done it and still do!

      My girls seem to be tougher than he is, he THINKS he’s the BIG BROTHER to all 3, until one of them gets mad at him, and he becomes the DRAMA KING and “no one likes him”, “no one wants to be his friend”, “the sisters said he can’t come in their rooms anymore”, etc. this is normally because he’s trashed something in there, thrown stuff around the room, or decides that the dolls that may still reside there need “makeovers”!!!

      NEVER, NEVER, NEVER a dull moment around here! From 6am-9pm on any given day it sounds like a zoo, smells like a perfume manufacturing company, and I’ve got more clothes in this house than most stores carry on their racks(or so it seems!). My poor guy is outnumbered, but he holds his own when it comes to the stuff the sisters dish out!

  5. 12

    Anthony from CharismaticKid says

    Ha I’m gonna add your blog to my reader. This post was funnnnnny! I like how the evil one is age unknown. I know that feeling when 3 year olds act very evil and you don’t know WHO THEY ARE ANYMORE!

    • 13

      Abi says

      Thank you for the comment. Did you add scarymommy.com or to your reader? I ask because I realized today that I had set up my feedburner address incorrectly. If you subscribed to mompaperscissors you may have to do it again. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks again for your kind words.

  6. 15

    Mommy's Paradise says

    So funny, I guess it would remind my mom of my own childhood. I’m so happy I have a little boy, though. Boys are different, right? RIGHT??

  7. 16

    Michelle Saunderson says

    Oh this so describes my 12 year old girl. There is one more personality that should be added: “Daddy’s Little Girl”: Age 7-this personalilty is a testing ground for guy manipulation in the later years. You can see full use of doe eyes, enchanting smiles and doting in order to get out of chores, get him to buy her things and recruit him against her evil mom.

        • 20

          Bozwa says

          oh my GOSH! My 2 1/2 year old has mastered Daddy’s Little Girl! Right down to playing us against eachother!! And hse’s already SUCH a drama queen. :::sigh:::!!

    • 21

      Stacey Weaver says

      My two year old had already split in two: The Sweetheart and the (non-verbal) Drama Queen. There’s no daddy though, so we get to skip Daddy’s Little Girl. Thank God!!

    • 22

      EricTheRed says

      Perfect – My 5-year-old has already mastered this, complete with the pouty lips and puppy dog eyes and the “whimper”. I already tell her, “Awwww, that’s so cute. Too bad that doesn’t work on me.” And she storms out in a huff!

  8. 24

    TheKitchenWitch says

    Oh Lordy. My first-born is only nine and I already recognize many of these alter-egos. They’re shape shifters, those adolescent girls. Laughed out loud at the ER visit for bent hair…

      • 27

        PaulaMcC says

        Oh God, my 8 year old (nine in 4 weeks) has every single one of these personalities. I am just so glad to learn that I’m not alone. She’ll be over the worst by age 15 or so right? Only another 6 years. …… help!

  9. 28

    Tinne from T and T says

    I have two girls, only 18 months apart. Right now they are 2,5 and one year old so I figure I have plenty of time to stock up on those vodka coupons.

  10. 29

    Seriously Sassy Mama says

    I have three of those. Three little girls 8 and under that will all be tween and teens some day. Can I borrow a vodka coupon?

  11. 30

    Mandy says

    Thank YOU! For the great laugh with my morning coffee after a night where I stayed up tooooooo late transfixed by the tv trash that is ‘Dance Moms’. I don’t judge anyone, so please don’t judge me. This blog entry was better than the alternative stale bagel that was waiting to be paired up with my morning wake the hell up. Although my little Ms. Multiple Personality is only just over the ripe old hump of 3, I can already see some of this. And am scared shitless for what’s to come. Thanks for the warning. I’ll start stock piling my vodka coupons now.

    • 31

      September says

      Kids are fun, and vodka is great too. Unfortunately for me now the kids learn all about drinking and what it does to your body. So when I decided that i was going to have a couple of drinks on a Friday night, mind you I was at home, my tween now teen told me I was a binge drinker lol! I was to stunned, I didn’t even know what the precise definition was, which she shared with me. She had learned this in school and was now imparting her wisdom on me. Thanks for the post Scary Mom, this was pretty awesome!!!

    • 32

      Abi says

      Dance Moms?! The daughter that inspired this post is addicted to that show! Abby Lee’s voice makes me want to run screaming from the room. I’m not judging but I am laughing. :)

      • 33

        Mandy says

        I agree with you on Abby Lee! Her voice and tact remind me of Sam Kinison (sp?). I have no defense except that I have terrible insomnia and I was in a total tv coma. I could have been watching an informercial for a pooper scooper and never known the difference. Sad but true.

  12. 34

    Kendra Bowling says

    I have 4 of these creatures living in my home. I already knew I was screwed, thanks for confirming it ;) My 8 year old already shares in “many personality disorder,” my 4 year old is getting there, and my 2 year old is watching by to see how it’s all done. Pray for me, but more importantly, pray for my son in the middle of it all! lol Great post!

  13. 35

    Diane says

    I love it! My first daughter was fairly easy compared to the second, now 14. She is more than a handful. I am just hoping to survive, knowing they do come back to themselves somewhere around 16 or so is what keeps me going. I too am hoping boys are easier, but he’s only 9 and I’m sure I’ll be too tired to care much after the girls!.

  14. 36

    Tora says

    OMG! That is so spot on. I have a 10 year old girl she has been having (at least) 7 personalities for almost a year now.

  15. 37

    Amy says

    Thank you for reminding me that I am not the only mother with a Tween daughter. But I think you forgot to add that she can go from Miss know it all to having amnesia (sorry for the spelling, had to hit the rum pretty early) Amnesia – any age, this one can’t remember anything you tell her but can remember anytime you haven’t fulfilled her every whim.Which eventually results with The devil’s twin visiting.

  16. 39

    buffi says

    Has she started her period yet? Because that’s when it gets really fun. Mine will be 15 in January. Devil’s Twin is comes around especially in the mornings and ESPECIALLY about one week a month. Heaven help me.

    On the flip side, I do still get lots of snuggles, believe it or not. And the BFF stuff is pretty cool. But there is also a boyfriend. Yeah. Forget the vodka – pass the Xanax.

  17. 42

    Kimberly Hosey (Arizona Writer) says

    Freaking hilarious. I think many of these may live in me from time to time as well!

    Also? This mostly applies to my son, too, so maybe boys aren’t THAT different. Subway sandwich runs replace manicures, but otherwise, yep. Super heavy on The Sweetheart, Baby, and Einstein. Only The Einstein seems to be monopolizing everyone else’s time lately. I got to prove him wrong the other day. Highlight of my week.

  18. 44

    Summer says

    I’m actually laughing out loud at the nail salon and getting looks. Hilarious! I have two girls, 5 and 3, and am dreading the pre-teen/teen years. My daughters already have these personalities! Scary! Thanks for the laughs!

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