The Foot Rub

70 Comments

The other night, after I detached myself from the computer downstairs, Jeff and I retired to the bedroom. We were lying in bed, recounting funny Lily, Ben and Evan stories from the day. I was trying to manipulate a foot rub out of him by pathetically caressing his leg with my toes. My feet were still sore from the three hour stint in heels and I was desperate. Jeff blatantly ignored my efforts. Finally, I resorted to begging. Can you please just rub me? Puh-leeeease, Jeff?

Ugh. I am not rubbing your feet, he responded disdainfully.

Why not, I whined? You think my feet are cute. And they really hurt. Pretty please?

Your feet used to be cute, he answered. They used to be, um…uh…painted.

So, imagine them red, I retorted.

Well, he continued, they used to be cuter. Just, um… different… uh, just…

YOUNGER.

What? He defensively asked, after I shot him a look cluing him in that he’d said something really, really wrong. You’re, like, thirteen years older than when we met, he continued. Of course your feet look older. Do you think your mother’s feet are “cute?” As you get older your feet become less cute. That’s life. You know?

No, Jeffrey, I do not know.

He could have said anything: Your feet are dry, Jill. They’re veiny. They’re rough. They’re scaley. Fat, even. But old? OLD??? They are none of those things, for the record. They could certainly benefit from a good foot rub with some moisturizing lotion, but are fine, and a mere thirty one years young.

So that’s when I killed him.

The End.

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 2

    Jan Ross says

    Oooooohhhh….older? That’s a bad one. Almost as bad as fatter. If my husband said either one, I would KILL him too.

    Sounds like it’s time for a pampering pedicure. That’s the only thing that makes mine look presentable.

    Show Replies
  2. 10

    Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge says

    Oh dear Lord, what is wrong with that man? Has he never lived in the real world? Well, what can you expect from a man who can’t work the DVR? ha ha

    I think, you need to tell him that his hair looks… sparse. Or something like that. “It’s okay honey. you’re 12 years older than when we met. What do you think? That your dad hair looks cute?”

    I’m just kinda mean like that, though.

    Show Replies
  3. 13

    Dawn says

    oh
    my
    god
    is this a scene from our household?
    Oh yeah, my hubby used to LOVE rubbing my feet. Would do it all the time, during his swooning of me years. Then we got married and nothing. If we get into a big enough fight where he is clearly wrong, then he will rub them as an offering of faux-peace offering.
    Where did you bury your hubby? As I need to find a good place to bury mine at some point. LOL! That’s a joke people….cannot be used against me!

    Show Replies
  4. 14

    Robin says

    Oh man!!!
    My Jeff also turns into a Jeffrey when he says something so…. how do I put it nicely… RETARDED?
    I say you walk around barefoot before bedtime one really chilly night, making sure your toes get nice and icy and stuff. Then when you’re together in bed wait until he’s fallen asleep, then show him exactly how old your feet really are!

    Show Replies
  5. 15

    Ronda's Rants says

    I feeeeeeeel your pain…no really!
    My 50 year old feet hurt and I couldn’t find a sympathetic husband anywhere! He used to say my feet were princess feet…no more!

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Trackbacks

  1. [...] blog, which is refreshingly well-written and hilariously…uh…hilarious.  Check out the Foot Rub post, in which Jill almost comes to blows with her husband.  What is it with husbands [...]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>