The Foot Rub


The other night, after I detached myself from the computer downstairs, Jeff and I retired to the bedroom. We were lying in bed, recounting funny Lily, Ben and Evan stories from the day. I was trying to manipulate a foot rub out of him by pathetically caressing his leg with my toes. My feet were still sore from the three hour stint in heels and I was desperate. Jeff blatantly ignored my efforts. Finally, I resorted to begging. Can you please just rub me? Puh-leeeease, Jeff?

Ugh. I am not rubbing your feet, he responded disdainfully.

Why not, I whined? You think my feet are cute. And they really hurt. Pretty please?

Your feet used to be cute, he answered. They used to be, um…uh…painted.

So, imagine them red, I retorted.

Well, he continued, they used to be cuter. Just, um… different… uh, just…


What? He defensively asked, after I shot him a look cluing him in that he’d said something really, really wrong. You’re, like, thirteen years older than when we met, he continued. Of course your feet look older. Do you think your mother’s feet are “cute?” As you get older your feet become less cute. That’s life. You know?

No, Jeffrey, I do not know.

He could have said anything: Your feet are dry, Jill. They’re veiny. They’re rough. They’re scaley. Fat, even. But old? OLD??? They are none of those things, for the record. They could certainly benefit from a good foot rub with some moisturizing lotion, but are fine, and a mere thirty one years young.

So that’s when I killed him.

The End.


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  1. Jan Ross says

    Oooooohhhh….older? That’s a bad one. Almost as bad as fatter. If my husband said either one, I would KILL him too.

    Sounds like it’s time for a pampering pedicure. That’s the only thing that makes mine look presentable.

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  2. Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge says

    Oh dear Lord, what is wrong with that man? Has he never lived in the real world? Well, what can you expect from a man who can’t work the DVR? ha ha

    I think, you need to tell him that his hair looks… sparse. Or something like that. “It’s okay honey. you’re 12 years older than when we met. What do you think? That your dad hair looks cute?”

    I’m just kinda mean like that, though.

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  1. […] blog, which is refreshingly well-written and hilariously…uh…hilarious.  Check out the Foot Rub post, in which Jill almost comes to blows with her husband.  What is it with husbands […]

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