My Arms Are No Longer Empty, But My Heart Will Never Forget – Scary Mommy

My Arms Are No Longer Empty, But My Heart Will Never Forget

Kathy Roller

My days had been filled with doctor’s appointments, painful injections, surgeries, procedures and tears as we faced disappointment after disappointment. We wanted nothing more than to be parents. Infertility had become our life.

Today, my arms are no longer empty, but my heart will never forget.

The woman who admires my adorable toddler in line at the grocery store: I cry with you. You have that familiar smile on your face as you make my daughter laugh, then that uncontrollable yearning from deep within your soul creeps in. You want to be a mother too. I see the moment where you’re holding back tears as you’re walking towards your car. You’re faced with the fear of wondering if you will ever have a child to call your own.

My heart will never forget.

The woman at the pool with the needle bruising on her stomach and bottom: I ache with you. Those needle bruises are warrior markings from your IVF/infertility journey. You cringe each time that giant needle is injected for the hundredth time. In that moment, your husband sticks you a little too far to the left, leaving you bleeding and walking with a limp for the next couple days. You’re able to get through each injection knowing it’s a labor of love for a baby you haven’t yet met.

My heart will never forget.

The woman leaving the fertility clinic: I pray with you. You have that renewed hope; your faith remains strong. You’ve just completed another IVF embryo transfer. You’re experiencing that joy of knowing that in a couple weeks you may see those two pink lines side by side for the first time. For a moment, you put aside any negative thoughts or fears and allow yourself to get excited.

My heart will never forget.

The woman answering that anticipated phone call: I anticipate with you. You’re holding your husband’s hand nervously as you answer the phone. This morning, you had your beta blood test. You could hardly concentrate the rest of the day waiting for this phone call. Your hearts are racing as the nurse begins to go over your test results. In the next instant, she begins to say, “I’m sorry…” and your world comes to a halt. The stream of tears floods down your face uncontrollably—another disappointment.

My heart will never forget.

The woman hiding behind the magazine at my doctor’s office: I grieve with you. You’re sitting in a room filled with women holding their newborn babies, knowing that should’ve been you. Just a few short weeks ago, you were rejoicing in your miracle as you watched the ultrasound screen. It was finally your turn! Today, you should be anticipating the arrival of a scrumptious little newborn baby of your own. Instead, you are left with the scars of the greatest sadness you will ever know: the loss of your child. The emptiness you feel as you graze your hand across your belly overwhelms you.

My heart will never forget.

The woman who is assisting my husband at the department store: I dream with you. In between gathering suit jackets and pants, you’re watching my husband spin around his little girl. Your heart melts because you know your husband would make the most wonderful father. You want more than anything to see him lifting up a little girl of his own, showering her with Daddy kisses. In that moment, the awful guilt takes over. You blame yourself for your infertility.

My heart will never forget.

To the woman across the room at the adoption seminar: I worry with you. You’re scared and overwhelmed. There are dozens of questions and worries running through your mind. You hear about the possibility of a failed adoption, the concerns of a baby born with drug or alcohol exposure. You learn about the home study, paperwork and profile book. You are informed about how darn expensive this whole process can be. You are about to embark on yet another emotional journey.

My heart will never forget.

To the couple holding their baby for the first time: I rejoice with you. The moment is here. It feels surreal. You dreamed about this moment for so many years; that’s what helped you get through the most difficult days. No matter how this perfect little soul came into the world, the love you have for this most precious gift has you in awe. Your heart has never felt so full. For the first time you cry tears of pure joy. Amongst your bliss, in that moment you’re feeling truly blessed. You remember that many couples may never get their moment. You will never take motherhood for granted.

My heart will never forget.

To all the women praying for their miracle, my heart is with you.