My Old Boobs


Once upon a time, my boobs were loyal. They were obedient. They stayed where I put them. They stood at attention. They required very little supervision. They always faced the same direction. They were, in a word, trustworthy.

After nursing five children, I noticed some dissension in the ranks. Little bits of anarchy began to arise. They started to sag, well beyond what I deem acceptable. They can literally be rolled up like a burrito and each morning’s dressing process requires what looks like the stuffing of a thanksgiving turkey. They are never “at attention.” I can’t even describe them as “at ease.” They are so lazy that, when they are stuffed into place, they can be pointed any which way known to man. My final check in the mirror before leaving the house now includes checking for a lazy boob eye. Sometimes you look at my chest and you don’t know where to look as they are pointing in completely different directions. It’s hard for me to focus. I can’t imagine what is going through the mind of a poor unassuming passerby. Still, all of these bits of rebellion do not hold a candle to my boobs’ ultimate act of treason.

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I love to buy Groupons. I buy them, forget about them, and then scramble to use them at the last possible moment before they expire. I’m incredibly reliable in my Groupon disorganization. As luck would have it, I purchased a Groupon for a massage for my birthday and forgot to book an appointment until the week before it expired. The only available massage therapist was a masseur, or as i like to call him, my mansuesse. Before I had five kids, I used to love booking a mansuesse. They have big, strong hands, they apply enough pressure, and, frankly, they shut up for an entire hour. I used to imagine in my never-had-a-baby-body days that I was probably the highlight of the mansuesse’s massage giving days. Now I feel like I owe the poor man an explanation for what he is about to encounter. “Five kids….the old grey mare she ain’t what she used to be.” Still, I bravely booked my last minute appointment with my strange new mansuesse and hoped for the best.

All was well at the beginning. Before my massage, my mansuesse asked me what I wanted, the massage started and I literally did not hear another word out of the man’s mouth. Silence for an entire hour. I was in heaven. I was finally at a relaxed point in my hour long endeavor and had been rolled over onto my back as I was massaged on my neck and shoulders. That’s when the boobtrayal occurred. As the mansuesse lifted my arm above my head while massaging my shoulders, my boob that had been discretely tucked underneath the covers, decided to do a “Hail Mary” and jumped right out into the open. Now, the old boobs would have never moved from their assigned location. This day, however, all bets were off. I could simultaneously hear George Michael singing, “Freedom, freedom…” in the background while my boobs were screaming for their Mardi Gras beads.

I laid perfectly still for what felt like an eternity but in reality was probably one second while I contemplated what to do next. I decided complete and utter denial was the best option. I figured the whole question about the tree falling in the forest applied to this situation as well. “If I keep my eyes closed and never actually see the protruding breast, I can never confirm or deny that it actually happened.” As I laid unnaturally still and forced my breath in and out, I did my best impression of a sleeping client. I’m pretty sure my mansuesse did not buy it for a minute but, again, if I just pretended it never happened, possibly he would not notice it either. The ridiculousness of that statement is made more clear when you understand these are not little ‘A’ cups we are talking here but post-5-babies ‘DD’ cups. I liken it to a giant cereal bowl full of Jello Jigglers falling onto the kitchen counter. One is the size of a human head. It would be impossible not to notice. Still, I played the stupid card and told myself to “Just keep breathing.” Meanwhile, I cursed my stupid, independent boobs repeatedly and vowed never to get a massage again.

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It only took a second for my tactful mansuesse to lower my arm and discretely pull the blanket up. This time he didn’t stop until the blanket nearly reached my neck. I could hear the collective sighs of my boobs as they were put back in captivity. I’m fairly certain the anarchist boobs’ appearance scarred the poor mansuesse for life. He may never recover. Yet, when my hour was up and I’d put the offending appendages back into their secure locations, I emerged from the massage room with eyes now wide open. I searched his face for the look of horror I expected to find there and, instead, was greeted with a glass of water and the last question I was ever expecting, “Would you like to book your next appointment?” I’m fairly certain I could not wipe the look of shock off of my face. I quickly cursed my boobs once again, told myself to “man-up”, and booked my next massage…right after I left a ridiculously large sympathy tip.

If this day in history has taught me anything, it is to be prepared for the unexpected where my boobs are concerned. There is no telling where they could pop out next. In the meantime, I will continue to get massages from the same man. I figure there’s nothing left to lose. Still, i can’t help but stifle a giggle each time he pulls my sheets up a little bit higher.

Well played, defiant boobs. Well played, indeed.

Related post: 10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

About the writer

Genelle is a sometimes sane, always exhausted mother of five kids ages 10 and under. She is one half of the writing duo behind The Third Boob, a blog about all things motherhood, including how she managed to miraculously and horrifically grow a third boob during her first pregnancy. You can find her endlessly matching children's socks or @thirdboob on twitter and on Facebook.

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Jessica Dimas 1 year ago

Omfg, I’m laughing so hard my ribs hurt and tears are falling down my face. I can totally relate. “Anarchist boobs” hahahahahaha.

The Third Boob 1 year ago

thanks for sharing, Scary Mommy! we love you, jill. xo

Why, Mommy? 1 year ago

I miss my old boobs.

Jessica Holden Lauderdale 1 year ago

I honestly don’t remember those days..I have never had a firm young body. I went from 12 to 60:( and I’m only 36!

Allison Street 1 year ago

This had me LOLing….

KandEmommy Tbd 1 year ago

This was hilarious!!

Annie Klitgaard 1 year ago


Jean 1 year ago

Completely understand! I now need a sports bra to pick weeds, or the darned things will just pop right out the top!

Beatrice Leavens Brown 1 year ago

Mine just disappear when I lie down. I don’t even get the fried egg look anymote.

Tessa Averett 1 year ago

This is to true and funny. Lol

Missy 1 year ago

My breasts have escalated to a DDD from a DD after having my son, so I completely understand their bad behavior during massage! For me, I do the little dance of rearranging my breasts while laying on the table until I can stand them being squished for an hour or so. They have completely popped out while on my back, but fortunately I am a theatre baby and am used to public nudity lol.

Emm Dee 1 year ago

this is sooooooooooo funny because it’s true :) I have total sympathy for you as I see the changes in mine after four children and now being in my 50’s UGH. I remember going braless in the 70’s and 80’s and getting admiring stares! These days I’m sure I’d be getting stared at BUT for a different reason bahahahahahahaha

Kalina Sinning Brooker 1 year ago

Lmao I feel your pain

WHATever I want 1 year ago

5 kids, breastfed, me too. If I ever win the lottery I’m getting a boob job. Judge me I don’t care lol

Barbara Lorandini Selvaggio Hickey 1 year ago

Lazy boob eye! Love it!!!!

Karen Zywitski Greenwood 1 year ago

I laughed so hard tears were streaming and then texted my son who is a massage therapist to ask if it was him.

Gabrielle 1 year ago

LOL.. this made my day.

Lucy Imperial 1 year ago

There’s nothing that I miss more than my perky breasts!

Dawn White 1 year ago

I’d sell my soul for a new pair, freakin srsly

Nikki NiCole 1 year ago


Jennifer M Frazer 1 year ago

This would only be hilarious to those poor women who have endured it. Thanks for the laughs. I thought I was the only one who had cross-eyed boobs.

Kara May 1 year ago


Adele Barone Spong 1 year ago

That is some funny stuff

Carolyn Ekis Hamilton 1 year ago

Dyingggggg!!! So funny!!!

Sarah Fritz-Maldonado 1 year ago

Mine were a c cup in 5th grade by 9th a did I think they were last perky in middle school but I didn’t think they’d fall this low…. Smh I just want them not to point down lol after this baby I’m convinced I will get a lift in the next decade

Jennifer Osso 1 year ago

I am currently nursing my 3rd baby. I am scared to see the state the girls will be in after I wean.

Tara McGrath 1 year ago

I’ve been reminiscing about my old, small, perky boobs lately, too. My 2nd pregnancy now creating what seems like breasts that weigh 10lbs each has made me really miss the good old days when I could comfortably go bra-less without scaring children or risking bruising myself. The days before underboob sweat. The days of symmetry. Alas, those days are over, never to return. It took me almost 2 years after the birth of my first child to find a bra that fits (mostly) comfortably, then lo and behold, a month later, I’m pregnant again and there’s no telling how much worse they’re gonna be after this one arrives and eventually stops breast feeding.

kris 1 year ago

How appropriate since I am headed for a much needed massage tomorrow. I was just explaining the “lazy boob eye” to my hubby the other day. I still pump at work and am constantly worried about shoving them back into their holsters so that they are somewhat aligned properly. I suppose after 4 children and going on 8 years of nursing (at times either tandem or triandem nursing) I should be happy that they aren’t dragging on the floor by now! I like to refer to them as “working girls” as they lost their cute perky youthful glow many years ago :)

Shawn Maynard 1 year ago

I am almost 59, and mine still stay in place, small boobs, are a blessing, now, lol, never had them,

Jaye Fisher 1 year ago

Couple of things – the correct term is massage therapist, not masseuse, masseur, and certainly not manseusse.
Secondly, massage therapists are professionals and don’t care about what anyone’s body looks like. Accidental viewings are ignored, and are nothing to be embarrassed about. Trust me – we’ve seen it all, and it makes no difference to us.
IF, for some reason, an accidental exposure does not feel so accidental, or the reaction is inappropriate, ask this unethical practitioner to leave the room, get dressed, leave, and get the information of his or her regulatory body and make a report.

    Adrienne Grovogui 1 year ago

    From a massage therapist – THANK YOU!

Lindsay Reid 1 year ago

Just had my fourth baby and once she is done breastfeeding, I am running off as fast as I can to a plastic surgeon! lol.

Uyen Dang 1 year ago

Get fake ones, they will stay there forever! Lol

Yana Duffy 1 year ago

Gave me a laugh..

Faith Thompson 1 year ago

Bastard boobs.

Karen 1 year ago

Been there, I mean, not exactly there there, but the vicinity. Lol
When I was young I had no idea this would happen to me…

Rachel Sarah Marshall 1 year ago

This makes me glad mine aren’t big enough to be so disobedient once I’m done with this baby.

Marcela Marchesini Kapfer 1 year ago

My Hubby still loves my boobs, even after feeding four boys with them. All is well in my house. 😉

Alex 1 year ago

Hahaha! My boobs sag after nursing my daughter for a year & dropping 75lbs. I have no shame because I worked hard to lose the weight. I’d rather have saggy boobs than 75lbs of dead weight :)

Jess Martinez 1 year ago

Omg hilariously embarrassing

Dee Ditzy Dee 1 year ago

LMFAO!!!! Absolute gold!!!!
Damn you lazy eye boobage hahaha !!!! Superb

Dana Ayers 1 year ago

I didn’t BF, but I do have post-baby boobs from having two kids. And while I love the extra cleavage upstairs, I also miss them being more “upstairs” then they are now without a bra on. lol

Charis Andrews Hanberry 1 year ago

BAHAHAHA!!! “lazy eye”….so true, LMAO!

Mary Beth Francy 1 year ago

Sigh… I miss perky boobs. It’s been quite a while…

TerriAnn Welsh 1 year ago

I feel lucky. 4 years of breastfeeding and my boobies are fine.

Yvonne Cook Scholz 1 year ago

Oh my god! Lazy boob eye! It’s true!! (heavy sigh….)

Steph Lake 1 year ago

This is why I plan on getting a boob job lol. Can’t wait to have nice boobs again someday.

    Alexis Udycz 1 year ago

    Yep! I used to say I never would. Then I nursed a kid. I miss pretty bras and shirts that aren’t crew neck. I told my husband that once he’s fixed, I’m making the first appointment.

    Theresa Burns 1 year ago

    I got a boob job when I was about 26 then had my first and nursed 1.5 years. Now pregnant with my second. I will def be getting another pair!! Lol

    Samantha Hastings 1 year ago

    you can nurse after getting them done?

Teresa Piskator 1 year ago

My boobs have always been like this lol. I pretty much went straight from flat-chested to C cups and they didn’t stop until they hit DDD.

Kassidy Taylor Rummler 1 year ago

RIP perky tatas.

Christa 1 year ago

OMG! I am literally laughing out loud right now. Its painfully funny since I can relate. :0

Rachel Lyren 1 year ago


Melanie Smith Spencer 1 year ago

Lazy eye boob check several times a day.

Diana Elaine Hendrix Brown 1 year ago


Catlin Roberts 1 year ago

boobtrayal OMG I am dying. so true, all of it….lol

Irene P Thompson 1 year ago

True!!! Can’t stop laughing. Have a great day!!

Vicki Potgieter 1 year ago

boobs! hate to love them and love to hate them…. its a complicated relationship

Mary Schneider 1 year ago

Never had those… Mine are on the upper end of the scale (like the rest of me) :-p so yeah… lol Saggy bags.

Annnnnnnd this article just adds to the list of reasons I will NEVER go for a massage!! O.o


Lorie Crowell Doll 1 year ago

Can’t stop laughing!

Jan Bowser 1 year ago

Lazy eye boob. Yep.

Heather Pantera Stevens 1 year ago

I always have to check my headlights to make sure the beams are pointing in the same direction. I envy my little boobed friends.

ss 1 year ago

LOL that’s horribly hilarious! cracked. me. up.


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