2014-THANKSgiving

Why I’ll Never Have Another Brazilian Again

618 Comments
AMERICAN-APARREL Image via American Apparel

My husband and I have been married for over 17 years (obviously, I was a teen bride—OBVIOUSLY) so it can sometimes be a challenge to keep the spice in our sex life. We’ve used lots of things over the years: Lingerie, toys, porn, you know the drill (no, we have never used a drill).

But my favorite “spice” is pubic hair art. That is, over the years, I’ve shaved various shapes into my pubic region: hearts, arrows, a martini glass, his initial, etc. (My God, I just realized that I’m an artist, and my medium is pubic hair.) If a particular piece doesn’t come out well, I just make it a Rorschach test, and we have great sex anyway.

(I will not be including any of those pictures with this post.)

For my husband’s last birthday, I decided to surprise him with a Brazilian. Now, I’ve never had a wax job on any part of me before, much less one where they remove everything from my hoo-ha. (I know, they don’t actually have to remove everything, but I figured go big or go home, right?) I decided that I could spare some hair in honor of my husband.

I didn’t think much of the whole process when I was scheduling the appointment, but honestly, I was a little nervous when the day came. When the technician arrived, I gave her a frightened look.

“First time?” she inquired.

“Yep,” I chirped softly.

She then proceeded to explain the process and how she was going to remove the most sensitive hair first and then the rest of it. Then she moved the blanket.

“Oh. Uhhhhh, well, first we need to trim the hair back a bit. Quite a bit.”

I guess I had a forest going on there. I silently cursed my Italian grandmother. And the technician proceeded to trim my pubes with teeny tiny scissors (at least she didn’t have to get out a chainsaw), which actually tickled a bit. So I giggled and then got nervous about giggling over someone touching my pubic hair. Because it seemed vaguely inappropriate. (But it felt kinda nice.)

“Okay, now that we’ve trimmed the hair, I’m going to remove the most sensitive area first.”

“I’ve pushed out two kids. How hard can this be?” I pretended to be brave.

“Okay, then, here I go.”

“HOLYMOTHEROFUCKINGSHITBALLSMOTHERFUCKER!!” I screamed in my head.

But what I uttered through clenched teeth was a weak, “I’m okay.”

And then she pressed her hand against my pubic bone (I assume to alleviate the pain).

“Harder! Harder! HARDERRRRR!” I screamed. Only that might have caused some more awkwardness.

After she threw me a weird glance, she assured me, “Well, that was the worst one. It gets easier from here.”

And it went like that for one fucking long session. Time became meaningless. I tried to concentrate on my breathing and not kicking her in the fucking face. Breathe in. Breathe out. Restrain foot. Repeat.

Fortunately, she was right. The first one was the worst. (But the rest sucked pretty hard too.) After removing all of my hair, she applied some sort of soothing salve. It had a name. I don’t remember it. I was kind a hoping for a massage. Or a cigarette.

But the awkward sexual innuendo and the pain are not the reasons I will no longer be getting Brazilians. No, I could deal with those again. There are three other reasons I will no longer be waxing the hooha:

1. After the technician left the room, I picked myself up off of the table. Actually I kind of slid off of the table in my own sweat. I walked over to the mirror to examine myself, and I was horrified. Not because I looked like a prepubescent girl (although that was slightly horrifying). I was horrified because it was at that moment that I realized that my pregnancy stretch marks went ALL THE WAY DOWN INTO MY TANTALIZING TRIANGLE. They look like grotesque, greedy little fingers pointing the way down. Or lightening bolts threatening to strike any who enter.

Fortunately for me, my husband didn’t seem to notice the stretch marks. He was quite happy with the results. Also, he was too busy noticing that…

2… Without the hair there to provide a buffer, I was horny as hell. Constantly. This became a problem. (My husband didn’t think this was a problem.) It didn’t matter where I went or what I was doing, I wanted to attack my husband. Or the waiter. Or the lamppost. Suffice it to say, we had a lot of sex over the next week. But the constant horniness only lasted until…

3… The hair started growing back, and I switched from ecstasy to agony. AGONY. Apparently—and no one warned me about this—I am not a good candidate for waxing. The itching, while annoying, was the least of my problems. Turns out that I am prone to ingrown hairs, and they hurt like a mofo. I started telling my husband I had boils and scurvy and bad, bad shit. I looked like a diseased slave from Game of Thrones. Not even a Dothraki would ravage me.

So, basically, I’m done with the Brazilians. Forever. I’ll stick to pubic hair art to spice things up.

I’m thinking about a chili pepper next.

Comments

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  1. 1

    It's me says

    This is funny. I’ve never waxed and never wanted to. I do keep myself trim and tidy but I find the hair free trend a little tedious. Maybe I just don’t know the purpose of the trend except to wear skimpy swimsuits, which I don’t so there is no point. I would love to know why being hair free would make someone horny. I would also love to know why a man would like it (being hairfree) so much. Sure it would make oral less icky but if you are trimming already then it shouldn’t be an issue.

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    • 2

      Tiffany says

      I think it’s because the skin is exposed to the elements (panties mostly) so it gets stimulated inadvertantly. I know I am constantly horny when I’m all shaved down there. I let it grow out for a bit per DH’s request for a change (we are young so his experience has always been with hair-free chicks and porn) and I noticed a big change in my sex drive going down. As far as why a man would want it you are right on about the oral, but I would also say it’s often just interesting to see a body part surface under the hair. Personally I prefer DH well trimmed up in the pubic area, though fully shaved isn’t necessary. It’s all personal preference though, thankfully

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      • 3

        John says

        The oral is nicer, and it looks clean and inviting. Additionally, the feeling of sliding into a smooth, slick, warm woman is akin to receiving oral. Simply an amazing sensation.

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    • 4

      TJ says

      I would wax and shave and have the same issues. Ingrown hairs everywhere. DH loves it. Skin on skin without all the course hair feeling like a scouring pad while we rubbed against each other. I finally decided that the ingrown hairs were too much. And in comes the laser hair removal. While in the clinic I decided hell if I’m going to get rid of pubic hair why not just make the rest of my shower routine easier as well. Now I have no arm pit hair, leg hair or pubic hair….well except for the thin blonde hairs the laser can’t get. As far as the pain I take the laser over the wax anyday. As far as the libido goes. I just feel more confident that I’m always ready to go without any “hold on I have to go to the lady’s room to freshen up” and then procede to remove any excess wild bits.

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    • 6

      Holly says

      Waxing has the same ingrown hair issue for me…but, I have to ask…and I am being serious…

      Do you use stencils? An eyebrow trimmer? How do you get shapes???!!!

      90% of the time I end up fully shaved because I can’t even get the “landing strip” straight.

      But, I am pretty sure he would enjoy the hell out of some creative shapes!

      Thanks for being brave and sharing your story!

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  2. 7

    Guinevere says

    Hilarious! I agree, waxing sucks. Have you thought about laser or IPL as an alternative? Permanent hair reduction and none of the pain. Permanently horny for 40 years maybe?

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  3. 8

    Savi says

    I attempted to do this with an at home kit while pregnant with my DD. I failed, took off one tiny patch, almost cried, then shaved the rest off. I was freaking out because if I couldn’t handle the pain of waxing how the fuck was I going to give birth without an epidural!? After having her(without an epidural) I convinced myself that I must have been too sensitive while pregnant and it wouldn’t hurt as much while not pregnant….nope. Still hurt like a motherfucker. Never again.

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  4. 9

    Mel says

    Thanks for the report! I’ve never waxed that particular part of me, but given the way leg waxing turns out, I think I’d be a bad candidate too. I will definitely show this to my daughter!

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