2014-THANKSgiving

The New Dad’s Guide to Surviving Your Wife

259 Comments

baby_and_parent_with_hands_up

1. If you’re going to be late coming home don’t wait until the last minute to tell her. Remember when you’d have to do chin ups and you knew you had to do 20? You’d get to 18 and think “I only have two more to go, I can make it” then some asshat comes along and says “Gimme 10 more”. How much do you like that guy? Not so much. 

2. Come home and get in the house. When you get home this is not the time to chit chat with the neighbor over the fence about how it’s gong with the new baby. Assume that it is always Lord of the Rings orc war in the house and get inside to relieve the day shift because your wife has probably been walking around with that baby thinking “I only have to hang in there 30 more minutes….29…..28.” (see point above).

3. Get excited about the baby. I know, I know, you love that little weeble more that anything, but most new mothers are wired with this demented sense of responsibility so even if their baby is screaming like a rabid howler monkey they don’t want to leave it. So if you go in and say something like “take a shower, I’ve missed him all day and I can’t wait to hold him” she will be more willing to go bathe, eat or generally reset to be less crazy. It’s win-win.

4. Don’t ask “What’s for Dinner” If everyone in the house is alive when you get home that’s a successful day. My friend’s husband asked her why dinner wasn’t ready because “she’d been sitting at home all day doing nothing”. Aw, Buddy, c’mon. If you ask “What’s for dinner?” the answer may very well be “Your left testicle”. Eat cereal, order take-out or drink pumped breastmilk. Wing it.

5. Don’t go on about how hard your day was. Even if your day consisted of being gang raped by angry silver back gorillas, she can probably trump you. Not only can she trump you but it may include details that you otherwise wouldn’t have known about and don’t want to hear. You’re tired. You’re stressed. But it will just open Pandora’s box and it ain’t worth it. Also consider that this is someone who is up all night looking at your peaceful, sleeping vulnerable body. Don’t give her a reason to smother you with a nursing pillow. She’s probably already plotted your death a couple of times by now so don’t push her over the edge.

6. Don’t say you’re babysitting. The mother of your child may be too tired to catch this slip but any woman who has had more than 20 minutes of consecutive sleep is going to do a slow, Chucky-head-turn and hiss “You’re not babysitting. You’re parenting.” In your defense, I totally understand this statement. If you’re not the primary caregiver and you’re stepping in to take care of the baby then you are technically babysitting. Terms like “Daddy Duty”, “On call” and “At the helm” are always safer alternatives.

7. Don’t lie on your back and hold the baby above your head facing you. They puke. It’s the infant equivalent of the Funny Home Video guy pitching to the kid with the baseball bat and getting squared in the pills. Everybody likes lying on their backs, holding the baby in the air and fly them over their face. Babies LOVE this and this joy often sends a surge of yak right into your who’s-daddy’s-airplane-open-mouth. They give no warning. They are vomit grenades.

8. Be CIA guy. Too often I think fathers get shoved to the side and it’s all about the baby, and to a lesser extent, the mom. Don’t worry about it and just be a gazelle in the grassland because you’re in the trenches, and there’s no glory in the trenches. Be like those awesome CIA guys with the silly putty in their ear who silently, seamlessly gets the odd glass of water, loads the dishwasher and does that slow motion body block when your dirty cousin with the cold sores tries to stick her finger in the baby’s mouth. Your work will go unnoticed at first but when the dust settles you’ll be revered and adored.

Your job at this time is really important. Some guys totally get it right of the bat, and to you I say, “right on”. You’re the voice of reason, the pillar of strength and the cavalry wrapped in to one. You need to be there for your partner because she’s probably like Newt when Ripley first finds her in Aliens – terrified, tired, dirty and overwhelmed and the worst time is mostly at night. Mostly.

It takes a great guy to step up and dig in during those first few months. But a guy who says “I’ll be home early, I’m bringing dinner and I want to take the baby for a walk as soon as I get home”, now that’s a fucking man. Be a man, dude.

Comments

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  1. 3

    Michael Lombardi says

    Ah, more daddy bashing. Well, I mean, you did say at the end some guys aren’t like this, so it wasn’t all bashing.

    Listen if your husband is like this, he shouldn’t be your husband. You may not be able to change the fact that you now have a baby with him, but for Christ’s sake don’t make another baby with him. Tell him to step his game up or step his shit out. You deserve better and your kid deserves better.

    To those of you without kids or husbands, don’t ever think getting married or having a kid will change a guy into what you want him to be. It’s better to be alone than with the wrong person–especially when raising a kid.

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    • 4

      carmabella says

      Well, to be fair, I think the author was going on the assumption that new dads need a little guidance because, for most, this will not be second nature. To some men, yourself obviously, these things are a no brainer and shouldn’t have to be told. To you I say, bravo! But c’mon, I think a new dad deserves at least a trial run and some educating before you kick him to the curb. If he doesn’t get it after that, I agree, out with the trash.

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      • 5

        Lili says

        It’s not second nature to women, either. Do you think I spent my childhood playing dollies and helping my mother raise 12 children? I went to school, I took swim lessons, I rode a bike, I drew in my notebook, I went to high school, played an instrument, went to college, had a job as a professional.

        I learned to be a mom by reading and paying attention. I READ about breastfeeding. I expected it to be hard and I worked hard.

        I resent the implication that this is all easy for mothers. Most of us were not raised on a farm or something.

        When we act like somehow this is all easy for moms we fall into the trap of the Feminine Mystique: women *mysteriously* can do all this stuff, not because they are hard workers, intelligent problem solvers, and ethical people who remain dedicated to their families when it’s hard.

        No, it’s some magical female ability that men can’t do because they don’t have a vagina.

        I call bullcrap.

        No, men cannot breastfeed (not usually–I know there are some random exceptions but you guys know what I mean, we get the boobies in this dimorphism). But they are also intelligent, ethical, driven people and they can do this stuff just as well as any other woman who grew up just like they did, going from pre-school to school to college to the office.

        “I think a new dad deserves at least a trial run and some educating before you kick him to the curb.”

        Then you’d better give mom the same benefit of the doubt.
        Although I disagree that it’s grounds for divorce, ultimately I agree that this kind of portrayal of men is insulting and totally unfair to both sexes. At the very least, mom *or* dad should be able to take the whole “Oh I work outside the home so I’m not qualified to be a parent” excuse as grounds for going to marital or family counseling.

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      • 6

        Arthur Wensleydale says

        New dads are not likely to read a blog called scarymommy for advice on parenting or on being a husband is my guess. This is a blog for moms and this particular article was meant as a catharsis more than actual advice to anyone given its tone.

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    • 7

      Kelly says

      I agree with you, sir! Needing to learn the ropes is one thing, being a selfish piece of crap is another. Asking why a new mom didn’t make dinner when she’s been “sitting around all day” is grounds for divorce (and maybe even the sign of a sociopath, seriously, who says that??). I’ve seen too many friends and acquaintances suffer through the “babysitting” types of fathers to support giving any more than one chance to get it right. Not knowing HOW to change a diaper is one thing. Refusing to do it or underhandedly trying to avoid it is unacceptable. My dad was an actual secret agent man tough guy, and he happily changed diapers, bottle fed us, played with us and was a consistently great dad from day one. No excuses.

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    • 8

      Bob says

      To be fair, the article starts by calling the author “the Canadian asshat” so one can assume you’re supposed to look at this “advice” as a total joke.

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    • 9

      Talia Gamble says

      I am one of the blessed ones in that department, and you sir are of the same school. It’s a shame so many women have to put up with a guy who doesn’t pull their load when the little one shows up!

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    • 10

      Mrspk3 says

      Good point Michael….my husband is hit an miss. Some days, I adore what he’s doing…and then BAM! Suddenly he disappears and showers and goes to bed BEFORE the kids are even in bed. I get it, he’s tired, he’s in the army, and he’s been up since 5 am. But, when I look back at our children’s lives, I have most definitely handled the brunt of it. Ok, yes, I am a SAHM, but when our 2nd child was born, we fought tooth and nail about how he thought he shouldn’t have to get up at night because he had to get up to go to PT. My thought was ‘I will be with this baby ALL day tomorrow. The least you can do is take care of him right now while you are home.’ Our youngest is 2 1/2 now, and the fights about who should get up when are long gone, but it still angers me when I think back to that time.

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  2. 12

    jasbeeray says

    Hahahahaha…no 4 & 5 cracked me up.
    I used to be a lot like that but lately I have eased up on daddy dearest because he never gets a break :p

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  3. 13

    Kbee says

    This post is fantastic. Fan. Tastic. I’m really excited to do my part to ensure it is seen far and wide, but first, one question –CAFFEINATED COFFEE WHAT!??!??!

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  4. 15

    Momchalant says

    If only I could get my boyfriend to be home early, bring dinner, and take the little one for a walk once he gets home.. now THAT would be the life.

    …. One can always dream.

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    • 16

      Anjie says

      Wow! I have an amazing boyfriend. My Ex-Husband (of 13 years) yourself to say he was “babysitting!” It is the ultimate in disrespect, both from what your wife does all day (even working Mother’s don’t say such a thing), and to your child! You don’t “babysit” your own kids! My boyfriend of four years has never used that terminology! He says something like “I’m spending time with the kids.” I’m lucky! Finally! I got two great kids from him but most of the 13 years that I was married ,was a waste of time with a narcissistic creep!

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  5. 17

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense says

    This is NOT man-bashing, Michael Lombardi! IT IS HELPFUL ADVICE FOR MEN ON HOW TO KEEP THEIR TESTICLES INTACT. (See number 4)

    My husband is pretty much the most awesome dream-boat hard-working provider yada yada… but he did make several of these mistakes, and on numerous occasions. We had a bit of a learning curve. He barely made it out of our kids’ baby years with both testicles, and I still feel a little guilty for all those “suffocate him with a pillow” fantasies. He really is a peach, I swear. And so am I, kind of. =/

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    • 24

      fukkoff says

      I love how when a woman states something that implies serious physical violence to a male (“do what I want or your testicles will not remain intact”), it’s acceptable in the discourse.

      If a man said something in a blog like “Do this or get your nipples bitten off” then of course it would be misogyny, horrors…

      You feminist pigs are complete hypocrites.

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  6. 25

    Caley says

    Where was this post a year ago?? Seriously, SO. SPOT. ON. I thank you for all the soon-to-be-moms out there. This is quality advice, and could reduce the amount of fighting if heeded. Great work.

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      • 29

        fukkoff says

        No, it’s a “bitch blog” for some deluded, entitled womyns who are using the excuse “But I’m a mommy!!!! That makes my grotesque level of unearned entitlement rise to Galactus-level proportions!” to spew their anti-male hatred and venom without any filters.

        Madame, my testicles will be completely safe from the likes of a woman like you because anyone who remotely had an attitude like you would shortly find their ass on the curb.

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  7. 31

    Katie says

    My only addition to this: don’t tell your wife “Nothing has to change” when it comes to scheduling social events around a new baby. TRUST ME. It will not end well for you.

    Great job! You really seemed to have summed it up well!

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  8. 32

    Tanstaafl2 says

    #9 (except this is for the mothers). Be forgiving. If your husband is trying to help and be supportive, don’t bite his head off because “he’s not doing it right”. If he gets abused and told he’s a f**k-up every time he tries to be a good father and husband, it won’t be long before he stops trying.

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    • 35

      MarySunshine says

      I am always thankful when my husband takes over for me. While I find myself raising my eyebrows at some of his clothing choices for the kids, I keep my mouth shut. Unless he’s managed to dig out something two sizes too small. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does I will fix that. No one wants to hear the beasties complain all day if their shorts are too tight. :-)

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    • 36

      Knut says

      Most women haven’t learn that or chose not to. But will bitch that he doesn’t help. What they failed to mentioned is that that bitch about every time he tried to help. Again, most women lack appreciation. I can name more men who have told their wives or girlfriends they are the best moms in the world. I won’t even mentioned in reverse.

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      • 37

        MarySunshine says

        In my circle of friends the ladies are very appreciative of their significant others (husbands, boyfriends, fiances). I know guys don’t like sweeping generalizations, and neither do we.

        You can take this a funny, helpful post about being new parents, or you can continue to have your boxers in a bunch. It that’s how you want to spend your weekend, have at it. There are tons of books, blogs and other forms of literature geared towards the new mom. When someone tries to add to all the knowledge by giving new dads some advice it’s a bad thing. I don’t know about you, but I know my husband was just as nervous as I was about being a first time parent as I was. We both read a lot about what to expect, and honestly funny things like this post gave us more comfort than the delusional sunshine and unicorns shit we found other places.

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  9. 39

    Ashley says

    I feel like so many fathers are made to think that it is only the mother’s job to take care of children. I mean hell, for decades it “was”. But times are changing, and I think a lot of men are really trying to be more involved with the parenting. I know that my husband is way more involved that my father or his father ever was. There are always going to be scum bag dads who could care less, there are dads that care but don’t know how to help. I can’t tell you how many times my friends basically won’t let the dad touch the baby. You have to teach them how to help or they never will.

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    • 40

      Ashley says

      And moms have to ask for help too. I think a lot of woman are all or nothing kind of people. Either they want the dad to help with everything, or they want no help at all. I guess there isn’t an easy answer.

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      • 41

        Tanstaafl2 says

        Mom’s who won’t ask for help are from the same branch of the stubborn tree as a wife who won’t tell her husband what’s upsetting her, or won’t tell him how to satisfy her when he’s failing her in bed. “He ought to know!” is a sin in and of itself in her eyes. Expecting a man to be as perceptive as a woman is as silly as expecting a cat to bark or a dog to climb trees – we just aren’t made that way. If you want something from your husband, ASK FOR IT! If you say everything is “fine”, we will believe you that everything actually IS fine.

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        • 42

          Destinee says

          Every so often, you run into a mom like me-who desperately begged and pleaded for help, or even just 5 minutes to take a shower by herself, and was told she was a bad mother for doing so. This was from my ex and his ENTIRE FAMILY. Needless to say, three years later, I don’t ask for help, because I still hear them in my head “You’re a bad mom. GOOD moms don’t need help or a break. You’re terrible at this.” It’s not always stubbornness or lack of communication; some of us end up with genuine assholes in our lives. I have an autistic toddler and an NT one year old, no family near me, no friends, no help-24/7 mom over here, all because it took me forever to gather the courage to get the hell out and because he still has it in my head that asking is a bad thing. (Yes, we see a counselor to undo the damage he did.)

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          • 43

            Tanstaafl2 says

            Destinee – I’m sorry for what you went through with your ex and his family. It sounds like he was a real turd. The mom’s I have issue with are those who either don’t ask for help (then get steamed when he doesn’t pick up on the fact that she really DOES want help), or those who get exasperated with her husband when he does help because “he’s not doing it right”. You deserve an actively helpful husband who should be willing to help when he knows or is informed what is needed.

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          • 44

            Talia Gamble says

            Oh honey, **HUGS** There were certain family members like this when my son was a baby/toddler and people wondered why I was damn near suicidal all of the time. Parenting is HARD a break is NEEDED and mother should not have to give up everything she loves and who she is to be a “Good mother.” I am proudly a “Good Enough” mother. My son is loved, taken care of, and that’s all that matters!

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  10. 46

    Bob says

    Here we go gender bashing again. Let’s put things into perspective.

    OMG it’s SOOOOO hard babysitting! Women need to stop complaining. I seriously think all women need to be on anti-depressants. It’s your dream to have children when you’re young, you’re unhappy b/c you can’t find the right man, you marry early (to the wrong one – shame on you), have kids, divorce by 30; or you wait for the right one, then you complain b/c you don’t have your house with the white pickett fence or your special car, or baby yet. So you get all of those, then it’s STILL complain, complain, complain. There’s a rolling stones song for you people, “You can’t always get what you want”.

    Life is busy, stressful, and can be a real pain in the a.. Suck it up and deal with it, sheesh. Men, earning the money to provide you your house, car, and future for your kids come home WAY more stressed than you when you’re watching a kid. You’re welcome that you get to live your dream of playing mommy while men go to work and slave over a job. Wanna know why married men with kids stay late at the office? It’s to avoid YOU and needy BS like the nonsense in this article! But men suck it up and know why they are with you and can see the big picture and know that when you’re not irrational and unreasonable, you are the person they do want to be with, but the attitude presented in this article is ridiculous. I seriously hope that NO women behave like this. MEN don’t deserve that!

    Truth hurts, huh. Now make yourself more attractive and useful and get back in the kitchen where you belong, I think I saw a dirty glass, oh and be a dear and grab me a beer on the way. kthxbye.

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    • 47

      Joe says

      Bob,

      You said it, man! These women on here must be miserable people to be around. I don’t believe for one second that the “men” posting on here are actual guys. They clearly do NOT wear the pants in their household.

      My wife knows better than to even THINK about dumping on me when I get home after spending all day PROVIDING for my family. We care for each other and know better than to dump on each other.

      I agree with you, if the rest of the world is like the women posting on here, they SHOULD be on anti-depressants! I wouldn’t wish these people on my worst enemy! Talk about an unhappy relationship. These women will NEVER be happy. It’s a shame too, they’re all probably beautiful, and because men have been telling them that (to get into their pants) since they were 16, they think for some reason that a non-existant other life features them as a celebrity or something because they read people magazine and they think they’re better looking then the idiots they see on reality tv. It’s unfortunate that their mentality ruins their life.

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      • 48

        Stefanie says

        Dear Bob & Joe,

        I have worked 7/12’s in a war zone and I look back on it fondly compared to what being a mother takes out of you. I did have a husband…he was not providing me with anything we split costs, usually with more on my end as I made more money. Funny thing, he also thought I was to do everything for the household as he had the same mentality that you two have…its nothing, its easy, your the girl. Yeah I did not need a full grown adult to look after as well as our two sons, so bye bye. I would LOVE a househusband. OMFG I can not even imagine the pure BLISS of getting up and going to work and knowing that the household was taken care of. I would spoil him rotten. Why? Because doing payroll for 1600 employees was easier, managing accounts for a third party warehouse was easier, running all aspects except the driving of two trucking companies is easier than what is expected of mother 24/7. Men like you make me sick. The ‘I work’ mentality. Tell it to somebody that doesn’t know the truth about both sides (as both of you obviously DO NOT) because this girl bloody well knows better. Look at how you spoke of your wife “my wife knows better.” and you PROVIDE Ha! lol…lmfao

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        • 50

          Knut says

          I’ve fought on the front line in war zones, and can still take care of home from 6000 miles away. Women aren’t inclusive in this area. Matter fact, I could do a better job at being a SAHD then my wife SAHM… She won’t take me up on that challenge…maybe because she’s not ready to take a weapon into the enemy combatant location.

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          • 51

            J says

            Yo can not raise children from 6000 miles away. Seems to me that your wife works pretty hard.

            Thank you for your service for our country.

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          • 53

            J says

            I’m confused about how you can be a single Dad from 6000 miles away and your wife a SAHM who is not there. But that is none of my business.

            I wish you the best of luck with your family and hope that you will be home with your kids soon. My husband if often away on business and my kids miss him like crazy (and so do I!).

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          • 54

            Knut says

            I was making a point that I could do a better job at being a SAHD then a SAHM…talking to female friend non military…women automatic think working is a vacation for husbands. Men that I know have been taught to appreciate wives, but what was missing…wives appreciating husbands.

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          • 55

            Knut says

            P.s which of you would leave your children behind to fight a war? Yes, there are women out there, but lets do the numbers…way more husband leave their family behind. Which of the lessor evil do you want? Leaving your family for war, or let your husband leave for war while you are taking care of the family, bitching about thing he doesn’t do! Yes, many wives do this to their husband in combat….fucking dangerous, but the husband should have sense of humor.

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          • 56

            J says

            Again, the article is directed at NEW Dads and talking about the challenges of a NEW Mom with a NEW baby. It is not about being a parent in general.

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          • 57

            Knut says

            The new dad is cop-out! Anyone who has children knows you learn something everyday. Each child will bring something new. It’s not about being parent in general…there lies the problem. Unless you are a single parent. It most definitely is a parenting issue. New dad with new baby doesn’t have any challenges? Finally, there are some laws or guideline that include dads. When a woman gives birth…she get much time to bond. Dads either take vacation time or go back to work. Military now gives dads 10 days to be with the family. I bet women didn’t know or cared.

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          • 58

            J says

            Aw, come on, man. It is a funny artlcle about how a guy can deal with his hormonal, irrational wife when they bring their new baby home. It makes fun of men AND women. It is not a war of sexes article. I am sorry if you didn’t think it was funny and I am sad that it has turned into the nastiness I am reading.

            I am done now. Have a nice day, where ever you are.

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      • 59

        dee says

        Must be feeling guilty! If you really read this you know she’s giving you some father hood tips and how to avoid the crazy, sleep deprived, hormonal postpartum wife for the sake of both of you.I for see pillow smothering in your future for sure. If not divorce. U peice of crapola

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      • 60

        Helen says

        Reference comments about Bob, Joe. You, too, are an ass. It’s Prince Charming’s like the two of you that make me wonder why anyone ever gets married.

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    • 61

      Kety says

      Wow Bob, and what you just did is not gender bashing?? Wondering how much time you’ve actually spent babysitting your kid/s?
      My husband and I have always shared working and babysitting, our little one hasn’t spent a day in childcare or daycare and we don’t have grandparents to babysit. And we are not on any sort of gov’t benefit. So, I’ve also played an equal part in ‘providing financially’ for my family, and let me tell you that both my husband and I agree that no matter how stressful your day at work might be, sometimes we can’t wait to ‘escape’ and go to work as being with the kid can be 10 times harder. And how about working for 8-10 hrs at ‘real job’ and then not having an option of staying longer at work as you only have 30 min to drive like a maniac through rush hour traffic 20km and pick up your kid as your husband is otherwise gonna be late again for his work and cop it from his boss. And then you are the sole provider for your kid, for his dinner, play, bathtime. I am not complaining, that’s the choice we both made, only saying that it puts things into perspective of which ‘job’ is harder, and please don’t generalise that all women are the same and only men are ‘providers’ and slaving at job for their families.

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    • 62

      Tiffany says

      Um, just because a woman is home with a baby, does not mean that they are not the bread-winner, or at least earning a pay-check as well! I am currently on mat-leave with my LO, but I also pull in a pay-check. I don’t make as much as my DH, but I make a healthy salary, and pay for a good deal of the baby stuff (ie formula, diapers, wipes…) You know that saying, when you assume, you make an ass outta U and me!

      This post was more of a suggestion of how to deal with an exhausted, hormonal wife in a way that will benefit you both. Have you ever gone through the sleeplessness, the hormonal changes and the frustration of being a new mother? Judge lest not ye be judged! New mothers deal with a lot of ups and downs emotionally that are beyond our control. We are exhausted, getting (maybe) 2 hrs of sleep at a time, equaling just a few hours total, our hormones are off the charts, causing mood swings, and we are trapped all day with a little being that can’t communicate in any other way then to scream at us at all hours, and our bodies are unrecognizable to us… how would you handle that?

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      • 63

        J says

        Joe and Bob,

        This article was clearly targeted at NEW Dads.

        The first month at home with a tiny baby is an incredibly hard and scary time for a new Mom. The physical and hormonal changes are difficult on their own, but when you factor in the challenges of caring for a newborn – a new Mom really needs some support and understanding.

        What a new Mom is going through is something you can never truly understand no matter how good a Dad or husband you are. You just can’t.

        This article was intended to give some suggestions, in a humorous way, of things a new Dad can do to help, and what reactions he could possibly get from a new Mom if he makes some of the “mistakes” mentioned above. I know that many Moms are reading this and laughing at those Dad “mistakes” but I am sure that most of them are also laughing at their own “irrational” behavior during that challenging time in their lives.

        Thank you for reading and please lighten up.

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          • 68

            J says

            That is true. I am grateful for my husband every day, and he is grateful for me. We try to tell each other that as often as we can. No, our marriage is not perfect, but we feel lucky for what we have made together and work hard on it every day.

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          • 69

            Knut says

            J, you are one of the few to acknowledge that. A lot of men and women are guilty of lack of appreciation, then have a hard time wondering why. The power of the words “thank you”. We are the entitlement society….me, me, and me.

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          • 70

            Carmen says

            Knut, you’ve clearly had issues with women in the past based on your comments about how “most” women allegedly act. However, you should know that women who love and appreciate their husbands, and let them know it on a regular basis, aren’t in the minority. You’re making unfair generalisations about women, which are based on your personal experiences and not reality.

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          • 71

            Knut says

            Obvisiously, you cannot read, because I said, “a lot of MEN and WOMEN are guilty of lack of appreciation. And generalization…that the pot calling the kettle black, because it run rampant here. I guess you missed it….

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          • 72

            Carmen says

            Knut, I can read perfectly fine, so please don’t attempt to insult my intelligence. Instead of taking this article as it was meant to be – a humorous piece – you’ve decided to go on a women-bashing rampage.

            Why even come to a “mommy” site when you so clearly resent women? This is a happy place for women (and men are MORE than welcome, I should add) to share, vent and support each other. It’s not a place for ANYONE, regardless of gender, to come and insult others.

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    • 73

      Jen says

      Bob,

      Going to a job for 8 hours a day and having to worry about NOTHING ELSE is a piece of cake. You’re not fooling anyone except maybe some other bonehead men like Joe. Your bills get magically paid, your kids somehow get to medical appointments and extracurriculars that you didn’t even know about, your skid marked undies suddenly appear clean in your drawer (you sure as hell didn’t wash them), the food-making fairy makes sure your big belly is full….etc. I’m sure if you ask any mother what is easier/less stressful- being a full time employee or a full time mother- she will answer the former.

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        • 75

          Sarah says

          I do. I am a SAHM and I also work from home 10-20 hours a week, which isn’t much, but it’s still a contribution. My daughter is 6 months old and she still nurses at night, so I am up several times a night, up for good at 7am, work 9:30am-12pm, and have dinner ready at 6pm. In between there I clean the house, change diapers, shop for groceries, handle the household and medical/vet appointments, yard work, play with the baby, nurse the baby every 2 hours, do laundry, walk the dog, make the beds, empty the garbage…I can keep going. My husband works exceedingly hard and the decision for me to stay home was mutual and one that he actually proposed and preferred. I appreciate everything he does, but I won’t pretend not to be white hot with rage that when he comes home and feels entitled to dinner and downtime and, possibly, sex a little later while I am cooking, cleaning up, bathing the baby, feeding her and putting her to bed without his help or even interest. He’s not a terrible person, just clings to wanting life to be the way he wants it to be. We are partners and it’s taking time for us to realign our whole lives to being parents. I have improvements to make, too, but the moral is that Dad can’t just bop along like nothing has changed. EVERYTHING has changed; being a parent is 24/7/365 regardless of your outside work schedule, so, as Dad, you have shoulder your part of that commitment with consistency and without acting put upon. When my daughter was 2 months old, everyone in my house got a cold (except the baby). My husband laid in bed when he got home from work, sniffling, and watched 30 Rock on his ipad. I was up every 2 hours, sniffling, breastfeeding the baby, with a fever and a blocked milk duct (painful) and dinner still made it to the table. Where is my “downtime”?

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    • 76

      Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense says

      WOW. JUST WOW. “Make yourself more attractive”?? You mean after you got her preggers and she ballooned up to an the heaviest she’s every been to bear you a child? How much do YOU weigh? How hairy are you? And what’s YOUR excuse? “I think I saw a dirty glass”?? You mean the one you left on the side table because you were too lazy to pick up after yourself? “Grab me a beer on the way”?? Only if it’s to knock you on the noggin, dude. The ‘errors’ described in this MEANT-TO-BE-HUMOROUS post are peanuts and instantly forgivable compared to your primitive, sexist attitude. You just made me love my husband about ten times more than I already do. Jeez.

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      • 77

        Carmen says

        Agreed! My husband is looking more and more like the world’s most amazing man (not that I didn’t think of him that way already) after reading Bob’s comments. He knows I’m going non-stop from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep (not to mention I’m awoken once every two hours at night, letting him sleep) and he is genuinely appreciative of my efforts and puts in a huge amount of effort with the kids himself. Thank goodness he doesn’t hold the same sexist attitude as Bob. Was it my dream to be a mother when I was younger? No and it still isn’t my dream, although I do love it. I didn’t play with dolls and dream about the day when I could have my own real baby. My dream was career success, which I partially achieved before children. I sacrificed it all for my kids and I don’t regret it for a second, but for a man to be so misogynistic and claim we all dream of motherhood and should be content that our man is out providing for us while we live out our “dream” pisses me the hell off! We are PEOPLE, not Stepford wives!

        I work hard, my husband works hard and we’re EQUAL PARTNERS with mutual respect for each other. I pity Bob’s wife, as he clearly has zero respect for her and thinks she sits on her ass all day doing nothing, when I’m guessing she’s working 24/7 caring for his selfish ass. I doubt she’s ever thanked for her efforts, because he’s working far harder than her and providing her with her “dream”!

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    • 78

      Wendy says

      Yo, Bob.

      Your wife must feel like the luckiest gal in the world to have snagged a gem like you.

      Tired of women complaining, eh? Here’s a novel idea: stay off the mommy blog.

      Douche.

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    • 81

      Shanan says

      There was a point in our mariage when I became the bread winner for the family and my husband worked part-time and took care of our 6 month old and 2 year old. I can say for a fact that I found it WAY easier to wake up at 5am and spend 10 hour days in an O.R. than dealing with the kids. Children require attention, CONSTANT attention and they deserve it but it can be draining. What this post is about is telling new fathers that the newborn thing is not easy and that helping out your wife is important , especially in those first few months. Now I suggest that you go home, help your wife and actually spend time with your kids because you sound like the type of guy that may not have a family for very long to go home to.

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    • 82

      Natasha says

      Bob (and Joe): pretty sure if that’s your attitude, your wife is getting ready to play ‘grit ball’ with you reallllll soon. Has she increased your life insurance policy lately? Grow the f-up, it’s 2013 baby, stop being a sexist pig

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    • 83

      MarySunshine says

      Bob & Joe,
      Thanks for trolling Scary Mommy and bestowing your pearls on wisdom on us. Where ever would we be without men like you to steal us straight?

      As of 11:35AM EST I see that neither of you have come back to discuss or debate your positions, which leads me to believe you are in fact manly trolls butthurt because you are intimidated by women who speak their minds and think for themselves.

      Do either of you have children? And if so, did either of you bother to be present for their birth(s)? Or we’re you busy playing golf or sipping beer at the bar? Have you spent more than five minutes alone with any of them? And I don’t mean plopping them in front of the TV while you take a shit and read the newspaper.

      Bob, I feel sorry for you wife. Do you appreciate anything she does for you, or do you feel that you’re entitled to everything? Hey if traditional gender roles suit you both, good on you. I am all for doing “what works best” in your home. But because other families and relationships do things differently doesn’t give you, or our buddy Joe, a right to bash it.

      Women couldn’t have always been so happy with the 1950’s gender roles…if they were then why do we hear about Black Bettie’s and housewives drunk by noon? That doesn’t scream a happy housewife or mother to me. But hey, if you’re ok with only caring about yourself that’s your prerogative. Keep your nose out of everyone else’s lives.

      Kthxbye xoxox
      Mary “Fucking” Sunshine

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      • 84

        MarySunshine says

        I apologize for the grammatical mistakes, before any trolls try to invalidate my argument based on my typing errors. I type quickly when I’m on a roll and the auto-fill kinda kills me.

        Have a fantastic day!

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        • 88

          Helen says

          Excuse me, Knut? I’ve read some of your comments above and they’re rather nasty. This article was an attempt bring humor to an otherwise stressful period in a family’s life. I’ve done both, not by choice either. As a single parent, I’ve had to work and my work involves a great deal of travel, so by definition, I’m also away from my child. A lot. I feel for both military parents and their spouses, I know it’s hard to leave your family behind and I know from growing up in a military town it’s hard on the families left behind.

          But for saying I have a fat ass: fuck you, serviceman or not. And thank you for your service, and thanks to your wife and kids for their sacrifice.

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          • 89

            Knut says

            You are absolutely correct. I read your comments as well as others. You women were rather nasty yourself because two men disagreed. It was you calling someone an ass, see its not nice when people return the favor.

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          • 90

            Helen says

            Every reply to this article showed a sense of humor, even the couple of daddy’s remarks. Until Joe, Bob, and YOU. Any other nasty comment were in response to those. There are men who are absolute saints when it comes to helping at home, then there are jerks like you, Joe, Bob. My brother in law is one of them. If you bothered to read some of the responses TO the ignorant, male chauvinist pig, you would see that. And if you notice, a couple of men didn’t appreciate the nasty comments they made either.

            And to perfectly honest, people in general, have a bit of a skewed perception of what goes on at home during the day whether the one at home is a homemaker or someone who works from a home office.

            And my calling them asses was in response to their clearly inflammatory and uncalled for remarks. You calling me a name was just plain bitchy and out of line. I’m sure you also expect your wife to have lost her baby weight 3 days after she delivered, too.

            You wife should be canonized for putting up with a jerk like you. Probably the only reason she can is because you are gone so much.

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          • 93

            Knut says

            I responded to the level of response. And all my response wasn’t nasty or those who agree wouldn’t have. You are just a nasty person who had to have her way. I feel very sorry your husband to put with nazi like you…since you are bringing spouses into this.

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          • 94

            MarySunshine says

            Calling someone a fat ass is not funny. If you two were buddies and that was a common joke between the two of you, then maybe it would be funny.

            Knut, nothing in the article is doubting a husband/father’s dedication, appreciation or love for his wife and family. And, as Helen stated, until Bob and Joe chimed in with some pretty disrespectful rhetoric, everyone else chuckled. My husband read the post and chuckled. We’ve two boys under the age of 3, trust me a lot of the humor above was not lost on either of us.

            We all have tough jobs. I’ve been a full time working parents and stay at home mom. Both sides of the coin have their good and bad aspects. My husband’s job is no easier than mine as a stay at parent. It was no easier than mine when I worked. They’re just DIFFERENT. We both need to hear we’re doing good and right by our kids and each other. We both need a pat on a back. We both need some quiet, alone time.

            We have some military parents on the boards. And like many people, I have many military friends with families. The words of appreciation and love I hear and see for those husbands and wives towards each other is inspiring for the rest of us. I strive to appreciate my husband, and he I, as much as I’ve seen.

            I thank you for your service to the country and the sacrifices you and your family make for our country.

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    • 95

      katz_meow says

      Wow, what planet do you live on? Since when do all men work and all women stay home? And minding your own kids isn’t called babysitting, its called parenting. Get a clue. And a sense of humor

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    • 96

      Talia Gamble says

      Wow, I DEARLY hope you don’t have children, the woman stupid enough to bear your offspring has my deepest sympathies. Seriously. Do us all a favor and get your junk snipped so you can’t procreate with some poor unsuspecting women who has to deal with your misogynistic crap. You sir, are an idiot.

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  11. 98

    Kelly says

    I love this. I am going to show it to my “what have you done all day, what did you make for dinner–gross!, why aren’t the pants I just took off already cleaned and put away?!” husband.
    Man-Bashing? Not in general. I like to be very specific about who I “bash”! My husband clearly needs lot of guidance. I feel this will be a light-hearted reminder to him that he is lucky to have arrived at this point unscathed.

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    • 102

      Talia Gamble says

      I work outside the home and if I made enough that my husband could stay home with the kids I would still be every bit as helpful because I know how it is. He would actually love being able to do that, and regardless of who is doing more work, communication and working together is the best thing for any marriage.

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    • 108

      Helen says

      I’m not…already married that is. Nice one, Jason! I’m guessing you’re NOT the kind of guy I hear wives bitching about coming home from work and plopping down in front of an XBox for hours?

      I hope your wife appreciates you!

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      • 109

        Jason Good says

        While I don’t condone hours of Xbox playing after a co-parent has spent all day with the kids, I do think that parents who work outside the home should get a bit of a buffer period before being expected to take over the parenting duties–especially if they have a short commute.

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        • 110

          Liz says

          Totally get it! Sometimes, we all need a little buffer time. Send the kids to go play in the yard. They are surprisingly adept at entertaining themselves. Contrary to popular opinion, you CAN set your little one down in their crib and hang out together for 5 minutes! It gives you some time to reconnect, decompress, and tell each other about your day.

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        • 111

          Talia Gamble says

          Dude, I feel you. My son is almost nine now and i’m pregnant with our second. I took a 2 years off from my schooling and career to stay home with my son, but I am also well aware how hard my husband worked and still works. He was always good about trying to help out and give me a break. One thing I always did though, no matter how tired I was, was try to give him half an hour when he got home to decompress. Made him a cup of coffee and we would sit and chat about his day. Usually after he’d about halfway finished his coffee, he’d reach out for the baby and tell me to take a few minutes to do what I needed to and i’d go shower and sit down and eat a real meal for the first time that day. By the time I wandered back into the living room, they were usually sitting on the couch cuddling or he was faux wrestling on the floor. That respect for each other in a marriage goes a long way and he reciprocated when my son was older.

          For instance, my kiddo was a straight up DIFFICULT toddler and he’d take one look at me almost in tears after a grocery trip, grab the bags and my kiddo and tell me to go lay down and i’d go cry myself out. I’d reciprocate by getting up with him on the weekends so hubby could sleep in. Good marriage is about communication and mutual respect. I’ve always said that your relationship should be every bit as important as your children is. I think if more couples could keep that respect and admiration for each other through raising kids and carve our time for just the two of them as well, the divorce rate would be much lower.

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    • 112

      Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense says

      Haha, right on, Jason. I read your work, I know you’re one of the good ones! =)

      And yeah ladies, he’s happily married. *INSERT MORE SAD TROMBONE HERE*

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  12. 113

    Melissa says

    I’m not a new mum, 14 (almost 15 yo & 6 going on 7 yo), but these were spot on! Plus I love you forever for not only getting a Lord of the Rings reference but an Aliens (best movie EVER) reference in the same post.

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