We’ve barely dug out from under the mountains of wrapping paper and here we are knee-deep in New Year’s madness. Ball drops. Parties. Resolutions. As hard as it is for me to muster the energy to get excited about big, fancy New Year’s Eve parties (I’m still recovering from Christmas, thank you very much), it’s the New Year’s resolutions that really get me. Do this better, do that different, do more of this, do less of that—all in the name of self-improvement.
In my experience, however, New Year’s resolutions are just one more thing added to my ever-growing list of unrealistic expectations to feel guilty about when I fail to keep them. Let’s face it, parenthood is guilt-inducing enough. I don’t need to pile on any more reasons to feel like shit about myself.
Which is why this year, I’m making a list of anti-resolutions—in other words, a list of things I resolve not to give a fuck about in 2016. Because at some point you realize that if you don’t allocate your fucks better, you might soon find yourself completely out of fucks to give, which is not a good place to be. Believe me.
So in an attempt to save my fucks for the things that are worthy of them, I’m going a little KonMari on my list of New Year’s goals. Out with the fucks that don’t matter so that I can make room for the fucks that do.
Here are 25 things I won’t give a fuck about this year:
1. My kids wearing shorts and no coat in the middle of winter.
2. Strangers who give me the side-eye and tell me my kids are going to get sick because they are wearing shorts and no coat in the middle of winter.
3. My son eating nothing but Cinnamon Toast Crunch and apples for three days in a row.
4. Fashion trends. My style these days can best be described as sweatpants-chic.
5. What, where and how you feed your kids. You want to breastfeed in the middle of a restaurant, go right the fuck ahead. You want to go straight to formula, go right the fuck ahead. You want to shovel fruit snacks into your kid’s mouth while you wait at the DMV, go right the fuck ahead. Truth be told, I’ve never given a fuck about what, where and how other parents feed their kids, so I’m already winning at this one.
6. Facebook bullshit. There’s an “unfollow” option for a reason, and I resolve to make better use of it
7. The pregnancies of Kim Kardashian, Kate Middleton and Marissa Mayer: Kim ate her placenta. Kate looked like a runway model just hours after pushing a person out of her nether-regions. And Marissa went back to work just a couple weeks after giving birth. But let me be clear: I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. Not one singular fuck.
8. My kids’ watching television for eight hours straight. There are few things as sanity-saving as binge-watching Gravity Falls or an all-day movie marathon.
9. That your kid got an Xbox, iPad or hover board for Christmas.
10. That my kid didn’t get an Xbox, iPad or hover board for Christmas.
11. Asshole kids. They can’t help it; they’re kids.
12. Asshole parents. They can’t help it; they’re assholes. Or maybe they are just having a really bad day. One or the other.
13. Nonsense holidays. Sorry kids, there will be no trails of green glitter on St. Patrick’s Day. No Valentine’s goodie bags. No half-birthday parties.
14. Yelling. I am no Orange Rhino mom. Not even close. And there’s no shortage of parenting experts out there to make me feel guilty about it. But, you know what? I’m kind of full up on guilt these days, so this one has to go.
15. My son wearing the same Star Wars shirt four days in a row.
16. Swearing in front of my kids. There are worse things than hearing a “goddammit” here and there. And let’s face it, there is an art to a well-timed F-Bomb after all.
17. My older son teaching my younger son how to spell swear words. Spelling, y’all. Spelling.
18. The deep wrinkles on my forehead that my kids like to count when they are bored. In case you’re wondering, there are six of them—six very large wrinkles across my forehead and they seem to be breeding.
19. Drinking more than a pot of coffee a day. Some days it’s all about survival.
20. My kids seeing me cry. News flash: Parents have feelings too.
21. Creating a perfect childhood for my kids. Childhood is magical because it is messy and imperfect.
22. Saying “no, thank you” to the PTA committee invite. Because no. Thank you.
23. Saying “nope” to the moms’ night out invite to instead watch reruns of Golden Girls in my pajamas. Sometimes a mom just needs a little downtime with her friends Sophia, Dorothy, Rose and Blanche.
24. Raising my kids to be exceptional athletes, students, artists or musicians. I’d much rather give my fucks toward raising good and kind humans. Anything beyond that is gravy.
25. The pressure to be the perfect parent, wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee, or what have you. Because fuck that shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that. This year I’m taking the advice I give me kids: Just be you. The best fucking you you can be. Because that’s something—maybe the only thing—worth giving a fuck about.