10 Ways Newborns Are Evil


Sure, you love them, but babies are evil. Boo! It’s Chucky. JK! It’s babies.

1. Newborns sleep all day and drink your bodily fluids. So do vampires.

2. Poop that looks like soft foods? Thanks for ruining mustard, pudding, and hummus, babies.

3. During the daylight hours, everyone will touch your baby with their nose-picking fingers. Your baby will wait until 3 am to Linda Blair on your jammies.

4.The only thing as scary as the sound of a crying newborn is Nickelback.

5. You are so beautiful that a man wanted to procreate with you, or you are so financially stable that you could adopt a baby. Caring for that baby will make you ugly and broke. Babies love a cruel joke.

6. Colic.

7. Only debauched people eat and poop at the same time.

8. Humans need sleep, your baby doesn’t. Logic dictates that your baby is an alien.

9. Newborn fingernails are the inspiration behind Freddie Kruger.

10. Babies need constant care and attention. If that fails call an exorcist.

Remember to sleep when the baby sleeps. They hate that.


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. Beth says

    To me, new born baby poop, especially newborn, smells like really buttered popcorn, similar to what is served at movie theaters. I don’t know if I will be able to eat popcorn again.

    Show Replies
      • sara says

        haha,I agree 100%!!Nobody ever told me about this evilness until I was living through it,then everybody had a”solution”to make it better..which nothing helped! I remember going to one of my son’s doctors appointments,crying and begging for Valium,or something that would help me!!!

        Show Replies
  2. Amber says

    I just found out yesterday I had a miscarriage. I’m a big fan of Scary mommy. I always laugh at everything posted and enjoy it very much. I still will continue to support this site. This post, however, made me sad. But boy, what I wouldn’t give to be up all night with a snotty, poopy, non-sleeping colicy baby right now…

    Show Replies
    • Jenny says

      Both of mine had colic, so #6 spoke to me. Admittedly, because I love them so darn much, I often tried to pin the blame for their “evil” on someone else — sometimes God, sometimes my husband, and sometimes whomever happened to cross my path at the wrong time on the worst days!

      Show Replies
      • Ninja Mom says

        My oldest had colic as well. One night, around 2 am, I told her, “Honey, it’s either we both stop crying or we go stand in the middle of traffic. Your call.” Obviously, we choose option three, the sleep of the ridiculously exhausted. I’m proud to report we both made it out unscathed.

        Show Replies
    • Ninja Mom says

      Amber, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. This post, intended to poke fun at the trying aspects of raising a newborn, is certainly not aimed at hurting anyone. I hope you’ll find reason to smile very soon. Best wishes.

      Show Replies
    • lisa says


      My condolences on your loss. Give yourself time, things will get better. When I experienced my loss, I drove my husband crazy pointing out other pregnant women saying “look she is pregnant, why couldnt I be?” I dont know WHY I did it :-(.

      Hang in there… and dont let anyone put a timetable on YOUR grief.

      Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>