10 Ways Newborns Are Evil

58 Comments

Newborn-baby-in-hospital-3024888

Sure, you love them, but babies are evil. Boo! It’s Chucky. JK! It’s babies.

1. Newborns sleep all day and drink your bodily fluids. So do vampires.

2. Poop that looks like soft foods? Thanks for ruining mustard, pudding, and hummus, babies.

3. During the daylight hours, everyone will touch your baby with their nose-picking fingers. Your baby will wait until 3 am to Linda Blair on your jammies.

4.The only thing as scary as the sound of a crying newborn is Nickelback.

5. You are so beautiful that a man wanted to procreate with you, or you are so financially stable that you could adopt a baby. Caring for that baby will make you ugly and broke. Babies love a cruel joke.

6. Colic.

7. Only debauched people eat and poop at the same time.

8. Humans need sleep, your baby doesn’t. Logic dictates that your baby is an alien.

9. Newborn fingernails are the inspiration behind Freddie Kruger.

10. Babies need constant care and attention. If that fails call an exorcist.

Remember to sleep when the baby sleeps. They hate that.

Comments

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  1. 9

    Beth says

    To me, new born baby poop, especially newborn, smells like really buttered popcorn, similar to what is served at movie theaters. I don’t know if I will be able to eat popcorn again.

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      • 15

        sara says

        haha,I agree 100%!!Nobody ever told me about this evilness until I was living through it,then everybody had a”solution”to make it better..which nothing helped! I remember going to one of my son’s doctors appointments,crying and begging for Valium,or something that would help me!!!

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  2. 16

    Amber says

    I just found out yesterday I had a miscarriage. I’m a big fan of Scary mommy. I always laugh at everything posted and enjoy it very much. I still will continue to support this site. This post, however, made me sad. But boy, what I wouldn’t give to be up all night with a snotty, poopy, non-sleeping colicy baby right now…

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    • 18

      Jenny says

      Both of mine had colic, so #6 spoke to me. Admittedly, because I love them so darn much, I often tried to pin the blame for their “evil” on someone else — sometimes God, sometimes my husband, and sometimes whomever happened to cross my path at the wrong time on the worst days!

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      • 19

        Ninja Mom says

        My oldest had colic as well. One night, around 2 am, I told her, “Honey, it’s either we both stop crying or we go stand in the middle of traffic. Your call.” Obviously, we choose option three, the sleep of the ridiculously exhausted. I’m proud to report we both made it out unscathed.

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    • 20

      Ninja Mom says

      Amber, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. This post, intended to poke fun at the trying aspects of raising a newborn, is certainly not aimed at hurting anyone. I hope you’ll find reason to smile very soon. Best wishes.

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    • 21

      lisa says

      Amber:

      My condolences on your loss. Give yourself time, things will get better. When I experienced my loss, I drove my husband crazy pointing out other pregnant women saying “look she is pregnant, why couldnt I be?” I dont know WHY I did it :-(.

      Hang in there… and dont let anyone put a timetable on YOUR grief.

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  3. 26

    Teresa says

    Thank the Lord that they are so cute! Now I know why some species eat their young …

    (BTW, this is just a joke! I don’t condone ANY abuse of children EVER and I know it exists in this world, sadly. It is just one of those tidbits of dark humor that got me throught the NO SLEEP days of newborn twins.)

    Also, God made US so strong to get us through the whole thing — and then make us want to do it again! :-)

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  4. 28

    Hana says

    How about, turns the only parts of your body that you got any sort of pleasure out of and didn’t have to workout out at the gym into painful distortions of themselves. EVIL!

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  5. 35

    My Half Assed Life says

    It’s been 17 years since I had a newborn and still the sound of a crying baby makes me just want to do something, anything that will make that unhappy sound stop. Cats doing that annoying newborn cry they all have does it to me too.

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  6. 40

    Natalie says

    Yesterday I had a slight breakdown after like a good 4 days of barely any sleep. As I was crying, my infant took one look at me and SMILED. He freaking SMILED while I was sobbing my damn eyeballs out because he couldn’t be bothered to sleep nicely. SMILED. -_- That’s when I really knew he was super evil.

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  7. 42

    Ashley R says

    We call my 8 month old the devil….instead of baby babbles he literally growls at you…like the monster under the bed type of growl. The funny thing though is that he is a very happy cheerful baby…just with a growl.

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