Remember being a single, childless young woman with nothing better to do than spend time obsessing over your appearance and emotional well-being? Good times, good times. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane and remember what it was like to pamper yourself then, compared to now…
Then: A week in Cabo with the girls. You stayed in a fancy resort or condo, and hit the beach by day and the bars by night. You returned home with souvenirs, a sunburn, flattering photos that you posted on MySpace and risqué stories you all swore you’d never, ever tell.
Now: Two hours with the hubby at a chain Mexican restaurant while your parents babysit the kids. The craziest thing you do is get a little tipsy after a couple of margaritas and stop off at 7-Eleven for cigarettes, paying $10 a pack. Which is the crazy part: TEN WHOLE DOLLARS spent on a whim!
Then: Countless hours spent combing the racks for upwardly mobile career separates, trendy casual clothes and the perfect little black dress.
Now: While you’re at Target picking up diapers, you happen to pass the women’s clothing section. You throw some random shit into the cart and hope it fits.
Then: Every six to eight weeks, you would spend at least two hours getting foil highlights, a Brazilian blowout, and/or a trendy cut. You were handed a glass of wine or a bottomless cup of coffee, and sometimes even splurged on the foot massage.
Now: You hide the only sharp pair of scissors in the house in a box of maxi pads, and trim your own bangs during nap time. For special occasions, you splurge on boxed color.
Then: Every other Saturday, you joined your bestie at the nail salon for a fill on your acrylics and some super cute nail art on your big toes.
Now: When your husband pushes the goddam stroller for once.
Then: You’d join a couple of girlfriends for a day of massages, facials and fruit-infused waters. You may have even splurged on one of those weekend joints where you detoxed, practiced yoga and explored your inner self.
Now: After your toddler refuses to take his nap, you strap him into his car seat, put Sirius radio on the Spa channel and drive around until he passes out. Then you nab a parking spot down by the river where you read magazines in peace until he wakes up 30 seconds later. No yoga, but you do get a head rush smoking some stale cigs you found in the glove compartment, left over from your “vacation” last year. Oh, and you chug a Vitamin water on the drive home. That’s healthy, right?
Spoiling by your significant other
Then: Your boyfriend treated you to a spa day with your friends, then took you out to a fancy restaurant, then back home for a night of va-va-voom sex, just the way you liked it.
Now: That one time your husband actually let you drink four beers out of the six-pack, and let you pass out in peace.
Then: An hour of cycle class AND the half hour abs workout.
Now: Day two of the Three Day Potty Training method.
Then: Swedish, deep tissue, hot stone … no matter which one you selected, it was done in a quiet room with dim lights, soothing music, and was oh-so-relaxing.
Now: When your toddler throws a tantrum, you skillfully drape him over your shoulder so his angry little fists pummel that hard-to-reach spot between your shoulder blades. “Yes, Mommy’s sorry you have to leave the playground, Sweetie, but could you aim a little to the left?” Sooooo satisfying!
Then: Your parents overindulged you. Or they denied you affection. Or much worse. Regardless, your skilled therapist would help you work through your issues and you’d emerge a stronger, better person.
Now: There’s no money for therapy, so instead you block from your newsfeed Facebook friends who need to STFU.
Amazing family vacation in Italy? *block*
Baby is only 4 months old and you’ve already lost all the weight? *block*
Beautiful new home and brand new, not-IKEA living room furniture being delivered tomorrow? *block*
Husband promoted to CEO? *block*
Same husband bought you a brand new Lexus for your birthday? *BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK*
There now. Don’t you feel pampered? A few deep, cleansing breaths and you’ll feel like your old self again. And if not, there’s always wine and secret chocolate stashes. And sisterhood.