I often say, “I’d do anything for my wife.” But now that we have three children, I’m starting to realize that’s not really the case. Children place parents in situations where we are asked to do things for another person that we’d never do for anyone else, including your spouse.
For example, I would never:
1. Stick my face near my wife’s butt to smell if she’s poopy.
2. Allow her to use the toilet while I take a bath.
3. Allow her to stand on my head while we watch a movie.
4. Fish her poop out of a bathtub.
5. Tug open the back of her pants to check if she wiped good enough.
6. Pay to get her face painted at the farmer’s market and then be understanding when she cries because it isn’t pretty enough.
7. Allow her to bury her face in my chest for the sole purpose of wiping her boogers on my shirt.
8. Wipe her butt.
9. Remind her to go pee a couple times a day so she doesn’t forget.
10. Make her mac and cheese because she “accidently” dropped the food I made her on the floor.
11. Allow her to sit on my lap while I’m pooping.
12. Allow her to ride on my shoulders because her legs are tired.
13. Console her after she throws my iPhone in the toilet.
14. Apply rash cream to her genitals.
15. Wrestle her, kicking and screaming, into a pair of shoes and then be understanding when she immediately kicks them off.
16. Collect her chewed gum while I’m driving on the freeway.
17. Share a toddler bed with her.
18. Make apologies on her behalf for taking off her pants at Target.
19. Tolerate Caillou.
20. Not judge her for eating her own boogers.
Reading through this list it makes me feel like I might just love my kids more than my wife. Or perhaps it’s the obvious — I hold her to a higher standard. Chances are, if we are together long enough, one of us might end up wiping the other’s butt — who knows. Obviously, though, parenthood takes a lot of patience, love, and wet wipes.