This weekend is Mother’s Day and the tension is already mounting. Will our kids behave? Will we have to wipe any butts? Will we get any gifts we actually want? Will our partners even remember?
There’s a lot of moving parts on the one day of the year moms aren’t making all the plans, and hopes are high. But at the end of the day, all any mom wants is a little peace and quiet, a shitload of mimosas and maybe a few laughs. The funny parents of Twitter can at least help with the last part.
1. Spoiler alert: not that many.
Before you get that gift this Mother's Day, ask yourself: how many baskets of body wash can a person really get through in a year?
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) May 10, 2017
Is it so much to ask that our partners and kids think outside the box? Exactly how many showers do they think we take? Another spoiler alert: not that many, because a few certain someones won’t let us be alone in the bathroom long enough.
My Mom: What would you like for your Mother's Day?
Me: Don't be ridiculous! Your time is enough…are you free to babysit Friday?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 27, 2017
Literally the best gift of all.
3. *shakes head*
7y.o: "Mom, what do you want for Mother's Day?"
7: "Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 24, 2017
Instead of adding to her pasta jewelry collection, give mom what she really wants for Mother’s Day. A fucking nap.
4. No thank you, please.
Before you take me to a crowded restaurant with other people's screaming children on Mother's Day, ask yourself: Why do I hate her so much?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 5, 2016
Unless Mother’s Day brunch can happen in a soundproof chamber, don’t bother. There’s nothing relaxing about listening to both your own kids and other peoples’ kids whining that their eggs are “too spicy.”
5. They won’t though.
This Mother's Day ask not what your mother can do for you, ask what you can do for your mother and then do it the first time she asks.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 8, 2017
This is the elusive dream every mom is chasing. It won’t ever happen, but hope springs eternal.
6. Nailed it.
I'm a mom and I'm dreading Mother's Day. So. That should tell you everything you need to know about Mother's Day.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 9, 2017
A giant mess in the kitchen, last-minute flowers, shattered expectations — just bring on Monday already.
7. A sensible request.
All I want for Mother's Day is an IUD.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 8, 2017
They should offer them at every Mother’s Day brunch. On a discount.
8. Um, this is brilliant.
Can I send my son to daycare for the week? It's my only shot at someone remembering Mother's Day.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) April 28, 2017
Daycare teachers: the real heroes for this and so many other reasons.
9. It’s what really counts.
Mother's Day is a great day to relax and make sure you prove how much your kids love you on social media
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 4, 2016
Because if you don’t brag about what your children gave you on Facebook even though they can’t read or have an account on Facebook to see your words of praise, does it even count?
[Mother's Day text to my wife]
Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2016
Welp. Relaxing time’s over.
11. Keeping it very real.
Mother's Day card that reads:
"Thinking of you during this difficult time…"
"…Of your toddler being an asshole."
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 8, 2017
Hallmark should have a whole line of cards exclusively for moms of toddlers. No one needs more thoughts and prayers.
12. So very special.
Mother's Day is a special day when I get to do the dishes and yell at people to stop making siren noises while I wear a macaroni necklace.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 8, 2016
We feel like royalty while loading the dishwasher in our painted rigatoni accessories. Sigh.
13. THANKS BUDDY.
My son just told my wife we made her a special surprise for Mother's Day.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I'm so screwed.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 9, 2017
Yes, you are.
Good luck, dads!