The Five Stages of Parents’ Sex Life

146 Comments

naughty_kids_0

There are people out there who claim their sex lives never changed after they had kids, and still others who say they started having sex more once their little ones were born.

I’m calling bullshit.

Now don’t get me wrong; I like a good roll between the sheets. But I’m hard pressed to believe anyone’s sex life remains unchanged or increases after kids enter the picture.

I just don’t see how that’s possible.

Unless you weren’t having much sex to begin with, of course. And if that’s the case, I am so very, very sorry…

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Then again, if you weren’t having much sex before you had kids, you probably aren’t bitter like the rest of us at the drastic decline in “relations” that parenthood brings. Maybe that’s the trick – set the bar really low from the get-go so you always come out on top (so to speak).

Anyway, let’s stop ragging on the prudes and get down to the topic at hand, shall we?

Having kids kills your sex life.

Alright, so I’m no expert when it comes to relationships or sex, but it would seem there are 5 distinct phases couples go through in the bedroom.

1. Dating. Oh, how I loved this stage. You remember what it was like – every time you saw each other, it was all you could do to keep your paws off each other. I believe I spent the first 6 months of my relationship with my husband with JBF hair. What’s that, you ask? What’s JBF hair? Think about it: “Just Been…”

2. Living Together. This starts out really exciting – since almost every date you have leading up to the moment you move in together ends with sex, you naturally assume you will now be having sex every day.Bah-hahahaha!

3. The Pulling Of The Goalie. Also known as the “we’re trying” phase, this is a magical, magical time because, almost as soon as you ditch the birth control, you are magically transported back to the Dating Phase. It is glorious. For about a month. But the longer it takes your husband to knock you up, the more sex starts to feel like a (mostly fun) science experiment.

4. We’re Pregnant! When you enter this stage of your relationship, you will be on cloud nine. But then morning sickness will kick in, and let me tell you – nothing gets a guy in the mood more than hearing his partner yak several times a day. The good news is, you start to feel better by your second trimester. The bad news is, a lot of men aren’t overly interested in doing the deed once your belly starts to grow. Something about poking the baby (men like to flatter themselves, don’t they?).

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5. We’re Never Having Sex Again Parents. Once you hit this phase, sex as you know it will never be the same again. Ever. You now have to schedule it around naps and bedtime, and when you do muster up the strength to do the deed, you have to pray like hell the baby doesn’t wake up . . . because the sound of crying or happy chattering is an instant mood killer.

Now, I’m sure there are more than just 5 phases in this whole cycle of love, but The Hubs and I aren’t there yet. My guess is that, once The Kid starts school a couple of years from now, this whole process will come full circle and The Hubs will start coming home for nooners again.

If I’m incorrect in this assumption, please do me a favor and keep that piece of information to yourself.

Comments

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    • 3

      Veronique says

      Things for us were fine until my son hit the teenage years and began roaming the house until all odd hours. My husband and I used to have sex at lunch. I remember one time after my son got his driver’s license he brought some friends home for lunch and well…it was pretty funny. He gave us a very lost look as we came downstairs and said, ‘Where were you guys?’

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  1. 4

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom says

    “Something about poking the baby (men like to flatter themselves, don’t they?)”

    LOL!

    From what I understand, Stage 6 is when kids are in school and generally not home that much. And then the magic slowly starts to creep back in.

    At least, I hope that’s true.

    Sigh.

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      • 7

        Becca says

        We both work too. He works 6 am-2:30 pm while I am home with the boys, one of whom goes to Kindergarten afternoons and the other is home all day. He comes home, we say how the day was, I work in a Doctor’s office from 3:30-9pm. Except Friday when I work 2-6 pm.

        We usually don’t end up “doing it” because we both technically work double shifts, and his is so much earlier then mine, and he goes to sleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow.

        Showers are still sometimes the best time/way. Turn a show on for them, and pray they get along for about 30 minutes, and no one has to pee.

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  2. 18

    My Half Assed Life says

    I never made it past 5 with my ex husband, but I can tell you if you have a relationship after a long stretch of singledom, you should always lock your door, even if your kids are actually almost adults who should know to knock.

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  3. 24

    Ashley says

    I call horse shit, lol. I am a 25 year old mother of a 13 month old and my husband is of similar age and Active duty AF. Guess what? We have sex 8 times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. ;) Honest to god truth. Autumn goes off the play, flips us the bird while she’s off doing her business and we go off and do ours. She sleeps 14 hours a night, affording more rolls ;) Sorry if you all have clingy as hell kids. True, the first few months were intense on the mommy scale, but Autumn just loves to play pretend and has never been one to cling.

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      • 28

        Ashley says

        Well, the article was about babies killing sex lives, not age wasn’t it? Autumn is in fact a baby >> My husband works 14 hour shifts, so we get the time together when we can. I suppose having that kind of fire lit under ones arse will motivate things. Especially with the looming threats of deployments.

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        • 30

          Britanie says

          Well I’m 23 and I kind of wish I was Ashley but, with two under two and a husband who works 45 hours a week and goes to school full time, it really doesn’t matter how young I am.

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          • 31

            T says

            Noobs. As a veteran mom in a long term relationship with a teenagers and an older woman I find your lack of resourcefulness and creativity depressing. My man and I are both in the military. Our sex life is still great. If your guy doesn’t want to bonk you for being a human being such as being preggers and vomiting then maybe you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. The reason most sex lives die is not because of children, it’s because people let themselves go and they aren’t adventurous. People take things for granted until they are gone or don’t have them anymore. I wanted to back Ashley up because she makes some very valid points.

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          • 32

            Britanie says

            I would imagine that having teenagers is very different than having a two year old and a six month old. I don’t suppose you are still nursing the teens? I didn’t say anything to discredit Ashley. So I don’t see why you needed to be so mean. I know I’m a “noob”. I think having only been a mother 2 years is pretty much the definition of “noob”. I’m sure things will improve. My husband and I still love each other very much and we do find ways to make it work whenever possible.

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      • 34

        Katie says

        My money is on Ashley being a guy whose wife is pregnant, and he posted this in desperate hopes that someone, anyone will respond to this post confirming they actually have his fantasy post-baby sex life, because the truth is too sad to face.

        Or maybe there really are people who get this lucky, but you’d think they’d have the good graces not to rub it in.

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    • 35

      Lindsay says

      Bless your heart! It’s so nice that you’re able too leave your 13 month old while you and your DH have coitus. Unfortunately some of us with “clingy as hell” children like playing with them. If your sex life is as phenomenal as you say, then there’s no need to be snippy. Otherwise, me thinks thou doth protest too much :)

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    • 39

      Danielle says

      How can you leave your child alone while she is awake?! I guess your child is not yet learning to walk and is an extremely sedentary baby with no inclination to move and no curiousity. Otherwise leaving her alone even for a minute long quickie will mean she has pulled some furniture down on herself or found some small object you didn’t notice and chokes on it, or she tries to walk and falls and busts her head. All of which my extremely active daughter would do in a heartbeat. Now she is also climbing everywhere and will probably end up nose diving off the kitchen table if we left her unattended. And after the baby stage, ie toddler stage, playpens don’t work. They just climb out of them and their cribs.

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      • 40

        Ashley says

        LOL You must have some very…interesting children. Autumn’s room is child proofed. Her toys, a toddler bed, and her blow up castle. “furniture” isn’t an issue. We have boundaries, Autumn isn’t a foolish or fool hardy child, and has learned the rules. she doesn’t even go in the kitchen without being in my arms, she asks to get up in my arms where the carpet meets the tile. Save your judgment for someone else, idiocy isn’t needed here. nor is pompous foolishness.

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        • 41

          Danielle says

          Idiocy and pompous foolishness?! If you have another child you will probably realize that your first was exceptional. Because most very small children ARE foolish and foolhardy. It’s a feature of developing brains that they don’t understand consequences. Or maybe your daughter just hasn’t started that stage of testing her boundries yet. As someone said she is only 13 months. Lots of time for things to change. And one thing is for sure. With children just when you think you’ve finally gotten into the rythym of things. They switch it on you. No judgement.

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          • 42

            Ashley says

            A.who said she was awake? I stated the hours she sleeps.
            B. Where in the nine hells do you leave your kid? Mine’s in a baby safe room, and while it not be always and forever we are fortunate to be together so often, this simply goes to discount the fact that children kill sex lives. -__- Age kills sex lives, fine, but that’s not what this post is about. Age decreases hormones, so that is a no brainer. Brand new babies? OK I get that, but some kids are independent. Autumn rather play in her castle than with me, or harassing the dog. But being afforded a few hours with my husband to kiss or snuggle or copulate? I hardly think that is placing my child in mortal risk, and anyone who thinks so aught to go face palm and walk away.

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          • 43

            Danielle says

            Well you just completely misunderstood everything I tried to say and instead got very defensive… again. But you have not discounted the theory that having children disrupts sex life. Instead you have shown there is always an exception to every rule. I am actually happy your sex life hasn’t been adversely affected. Enjoy it because it is good for the whole family’s happiness and well being.

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          • 44

            Synth says

            A) You said she was awake (at times): “Autumn goes off the play, flips us the bird while she’s off doing her business and we go off and do ours.” Sounds to me like she’s awake at times while you’re off bangin’ away.

            B) “But being afforded a few hours with my husband to kiss or snuggle or copulate? I hardly think that is placing my child in mortal risk, and anyone who thinks so aught to go face palm and walk away.” Agreed, if you were solely walking away from a SLEEPING 13-month old, confined in a crib/PnP/whathaveyou where she can’t get out and explore. As stated before, one that’s awake, no matter how childproofed the room, will eventually find a way to endanger, injure, or mutilate itself or the dog. And leaving a 13-month old alone with a dog? Well, that’s a whole other ball of wax. A dog’s demeanor can change in an instant, no matter how docile, especially if pain is involved. I’m lucky – my dog allows my 15-month old DD to climb on, tug, smack, and poke her without reacting, but I still wouldn’t leave them together out of my sight. Most incidents of dogs biting children aren’t because the dog was bad, but more often it’s because the parent wasn’t being vigilant.

            Any way you look at it, I’m pretty certain this is just trolling to be a troll.

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        • 45

          CMJ says

          You shouldn’t put your name and daughters name out there on a blog talking about how much sex you have. Maybe you should be a bit more discreet. Glad you are enjoying a healthy sex life.

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  4. 47

    Cadence says

    Luckily, as babies, my kids slept really well. A tad awkward in the first year when the kids slept in the same room! Haha. Mommy confessional. But I do have to agree with the locked door thing…

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