Portraits of a Mother


It seems I’m not the only one whose child has ever presented her with a less than flattering portrait. I mean, seriously, it’s a wonder we mothers have any shred of self-confidence left at all with what these children put us through…

 I drove my mommy straight to the insane asylum! What have you done today?

It’s bad enough that we feel like cattle when breastfeeding. Apparently, we look like them too.

Pssst… Your tits are hanging out of your shirt. And, they’re a tad lopsided.

No, mommy didn’t just preform a blow-job on daddy, silly. She’s just hurling into the toilet. Phew!


I guess if I looked like this, I’d be crying as well.

So what if they give me zits? I’ll eat muffins if I want to, dammit!.

It’s a transvestite! It’s a cat! It’s MOM!.

Of course mommy is angry. Daddy is sleeping in the corner. Again.

Caleb: You are a very wise young man. Can you lend mom a hand with the wine?


Hey, mommy: No offense, but it might be time for that bikini wax..

Shut up, sweetheart. You’re the reason mommy drinks in the first place. 


It’s not a Toomah! You don’t need to look so scared of it!



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  1. 1

    Mom Off Meth says

    I just picked my daughter up at 2 am from the new Twilight movie and I’m crying from laughter in the middle of the night. The blow-job, puking one is hilarious. Too bad no ones awake for me to share this!

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  2. 15

    Jen says

    This is hilarious! I can definitely relate. Just a bit of feedback that the word tranny is considered very insulting to trans people, and it bummed me out to see it in an otherwise hilarious blog post!

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  3. 20

    Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) says

    Scadenfreude. Love it. I now feel better about my own daughter’s drawings of me, even if she does draw them, as she says, “with no wrinkles even though you have lots.”

    Thanks for a Friday laugh, Jill!

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  4. 22

    Sarah at Julia's Child says

    Oh. My. God. The puking one is hysterical.
    My 9yo can finally draw, so what does he do? He takes up caricature. So now every drawing of me looks like a trashy superhero.

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