Kristin Alexander
Latest posts by Kristin Alexander (see all)
- A Parent’s Prayer for Potty Training in the Digital Age - February 11, 2013
- New Motherhood Was Not a Kay Jewelers Commercial - January 4, 2013
Guide me, O Lord, that I may refrain from oversharing on the Internet every blessed detail of the trials and tribulations of potty training; May neither Blog nor Facebook nor Twitter bear witness to my joy at the sight of poo in the potty, nor my frustration over the invariable pee-pee in the pants.
Dear God, grant me Restraint and Self-censorship, that friends and family and loyal readers alike may be spared the tedious ramblings surrounding potty trips, soiled underwear, potty schedules, soiled carpets, business done in the potty, unfortunate-yet-inevitable accidents, soiled furniture, number of books read or songs sung while on the potty, and/or how many stickers were awarded each day for going tinkle vs. chocolate treats for doing poops. May such rhetoric instead be contained to phone calls with grandparents, for this is why Thou created them.
Bestow upon me the knowledge, O Lord, that the only people who give a damn what kind of underpants my little girl is wearing are the pedophiles who may at some point in their miserable lives be busted in a massive child pornography sting. But should these pervs somehow elude the watchful eye of Chris Hansen in collaboration with the FBI and now come a-creepin’ courtesy of SEO and the Almighty Google, may Thou conjure a rabid honey badger to suddenly appear and chew off their junk. Because honey badger don’t care, Lord. He just don’t give a shit.
And be my conscience, God, that I may pause and reflect before [again] posting to the World Wide Web a photo of my child sitting bare-assed on the toilet, no matter how cute her expression, and instead ask myself, “Would I want to be violated like that?” (And Lord, that the answer be no – because let’s face it, some people are into that sort of thing.)
Indeed, Almighty God, help me bear in mind that one’s time spent in the bathroom is both sacred and private. And that the topic of bodily waste is neither adorable nor appropriate to the world at large, even when framed in the context of a toddler’s baby-soft bum, as opposed to a grown man’s giant, hairy ass.
And finally, Lord, may I look upon my child at times with objective eyes rather than maternal ones, that I should see her no longer as an infant, but as a little person – one with genuine thoughts and feelings and an unmitigated right to basic privacy.
Hear these pleas, O Lord, and lead me not into Stupidity. For it is in Thy name I pray, forever and ever.
Amen.
{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }
So, so funny and true!!!
Where were you 9 months ago?! This prayer would have come in handy as not only did I blog about it, I believe I have a series on it called The Potty Papers. I may need some sort of confession with the blog priests.
Sili recently posted..Mental Mucinex: 5 Tips to a Decongested Life
Outside of “Little Joey is finally in underwear!” I don’t want to hear it or see it!
Wait- What? I can’t complain about all this on Twitter? Hmm. I’ll have to think about this…
Stephanie recently posted..Man Versus Chocolate
Hahaha! We’ve just truly started training and its taken all of my self control not to tweet “She pee’d in the potty!”.
That is… Until the other day when my BFF who’s son is two days older posted a “First Poop in the potty” picture.
….ewwwww….
Emily recently posted..A Look at Painters with Portfolios
“But should these pervs somehow elude the watchful eye of Chris Hansen in collaboration with the FBI and now come a-creepin’ courtesy of SEO and the Almighty Google, may Thou conjure a rabid honey badger to suddenly appear and chew off their junk. Because honey badger don’t care, Lord. He just don’t give a shit.”
I needed this laugh today…
I have a nearly 5 year old in my pre k class who is not potty trained yet…but he’s great at changing his own pull up! My mission with him is to get him trained by the end of our school year. All in a day’s work.
You, Ma’am, are what is right with the world. The fact that the boy’s parents probably EXPECT you to be the one to teach him is precisely what is wrong with it. On behalf of America, and that boys parents who will probably NEVER say it to you, Thankyou for going above and beyond for our children.
That’s really sad. I agree with Tarina.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Thanks for the laugh this morning! I am about to start potty training, & I pledge not to subject the world to the details of it…LOL. That is cause to hide someone on facebook, IMHO!
Mamarific recently posted..Interrupting all Programmes: Taking Back the Dial of Life
Amen to this. I feel sad for these little ones when it comes to what mom or dad is posting on FB, etc. This information is not going to go away. Those precious little ones deserve respect. Also i have seen some new born pictures that should not be posted.
Thanks for saying, “Would I want to be violated like that?”
Parents stop and think next time you go to post something. WE ALL DESERVIE RESPECT!!!
Debbie
Full-frontal newborn photos bother me, too. I understand the desire to share a photo of your baby’s first bath, but at least use a washcloth to cover up their naughty bits.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Had to go back and check how graphic I had gotten. It’s ok, right? http://www.cindafuckingrella.com/?p=4303
cindafuckingrella recently posted..Gravity & Schadenfreude
that crap was awesome. Cinda, you rock.
Thanks Shannon. How lovely that you liked my crap. Danish readers never say anything. (I’m Danish.) Nothing. I’m blogging my little heart out and all I get is: Meh.
cindafuckingrella recently posted..Gravity & Schadenfreude
Not merely OK, but downright brilliant. That was one of the more entertaining “day in the life” posts I’ve ever read. Most of them are mind-numbingly boring.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
And thanks to you too Kristin.
cindafuckingrella recently posted..Gravity & Schadenfreude
Amen. But aren’t those pictures of them on the potty so cute? I’ll just show them to my mom and will not send them over the internet. I know my mom has one of me when I was a kid, sitting on a potty shaped like a swan…
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli)’ recently posted..Instead
Just the mental image of that will suffice, Kristin. ;)
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
For sure. And if I’m not sharing mine, I am not sharing his. :)
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli)’ recently posted..Instead
Great job Kristen! So glad to see your post here.
Jennifer recently posted..Homework Is Evil
Thanks so much for featuring me here, Jill! I’m pretty stoked. Do people still say that – stoked? Whatever. That’s what I am. :)
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
If only I had this prayer two weeks ago before I blogged my frustrations away and grossed out everyone including my own mother!
Hey, to err is human… to realize you erred, divine.
Or something. ;)
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
LOL so true. When we first started potty training my oldest, I was one of those who posted about starting the training but I called my mom every time my little one when potty like a big girl. The most I put on FB is “Training is going good, now the youngest acts like she wants to try being a big girl like sissy” Thats not to say that my sister(who’s potty training my nephew) and I don’t text damn near every successful potty trip to one another lol. I do have potty pics that I email to my parents but I don’t post on FB…..I know the humiliation of the potty pic
I think I announced that I started potty training but I spared all the messy details that my friends don’t want to hear.
Tanya recently posted..The Best WordPress Anti-Spam Plugins for 2012-2013
Good God it’s too late for me, posted, blogged, laid it out on national t.v. On a more positive note I’m pretty sure the fact that the kids are all potty trained is the reason for my present day happiness. Cheers!
While you are cognizant of the fact that posting a picture of a “child sitting bare-assed on the toilet” would be a violation, you still have a picture of your child or someone’s child sitting there. While cute in a parent’s eyes, I wonder what your son/daughter might think in ten or fifteen years if this photo is associated with them or shared on their or a friend’s or a bully’s Facebook page (or whatever advanced technology our children will be using then) while they are navigating the perils of middle school. Those struggles will make potty training seem like a walk in the park.
Peggy, as the author of this piece, I appreciate your concern. However, I feel fairly certain that the photo Jill used above is stock photography using a baby model, just as the one I used in my original piece was. I completely agree with your assessment that photos of one’s own child sitting on the toilet is inappropriate and unfair to the child.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Just to clarify, I think *public* photos on one’s own child sitting on the potty are inappropriate and unfair. By all means, take pictures… just keep ‘em off Facebook, Instagram, your blog, etc.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Google “baby potty images” or something similar. Doesn’t have to be her kid to make for a good topic photo. And I doubt the kids in Jr High will be reading a blog like this to dig up dirt on classmates. Generally, they stick with the classic “fatty, 4 eyes” etc. Just teach your kids how to be decent human beings and let each mom worry about her own kid’s therapy bills :P
I thought the whole purpose of mom’s blogging was to vent, gain support, inquire, find people with similar issues, share joy, share struggles, share experiences. While I wasn’t making a criticism, I was making an observance that recognizing that posting a pic with this subject matter was a violation and then doing it for whatever reason, no matter who’s child it was seemed contradictory and unfair to the child. Stock photo or personal photo I am positive that this child in this photo did not give consent.
In that case, if I’m understanding your concerns correctly, it sounds like your main issue is with the child’s mother for consenting to let her child be photographed in this position. Or perhaps the stock photography site for carrying such images. If you’d like to voice your concerns directly to them, Jill might be willing to let you know which site she used if you e-mailed her privately. I used 123rf.com for the [similar] image I ran in my original piece. I hope that helps and am sorry to hear that the image used in the piece interfered with your ability to enjoy it.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Really what my main concern was that as a mother she recognized that it was inappropriate and a violation and yet she went ahead and posted it. I totally agreed with the entire content of the blog posting. Just not the contradictory and admittedly inappropriate photo.
I hope the parents of the baby pictured above (in the paid for stock art) are saving for his therapy, as we all should be with the damage we are no doubt doing to our children in some way or another. But, since they put the photo out there and are making a profit from my usage, I am completely comfortable featuring it in this HUMOR piece.
SO, just so I understand and I promise this will be my last comment/observance; you are ok with using a “stock photo” of something that you agree is a violation of the child because you paid some irresponsible parent who is no doubt profiting from thier child’s inability to decline to be involved in something that you agree is inappropriate? Everyone could use therapy and I am sure that I am the cause of some of the reasons my children might, but I do not believe I ever knowingly inflicted kids with what I believed to be inappropriate or a violation of their privacy or personal space to fulfill my need for attention from strangers on an internet blog.
I know that this may seem that I am over reacting, but step back and look at it from another perspective. Four children later and my perspective is constantly changing.
I think you are WAY over analyzing what was intended to be a lighthearted post. There are countless things I’m willing to get enraged over, but this just isn’t one of them. If I could have found a picture to buy of a child smearing shit on a bathroom wall, I would have preferred that one, but this did the job.
Are you telling me there are no photos like that? Well now that I know there’s a market…
;)
Jennifer recently posted..Homework Is Evil
LOL. Big bucks to be made there!
Go get ‘em, Jen! ;)
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Yes. I do think you’re overreacting.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
This is WHY I LOVE YOU. xo
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured February Linkup, And Some News
Let me never see a grown man’s hairy ass on the toilet. Amen. I shudder just thinking about it.
Mercy recently posted..The One Gift a Mother Can’t Return
Amen.
Observacious recently posted..List 31: People born in 1973
Yep. I’ve potty trained one already and I appreciate the joy over those potty milestones, but I really don’t need the visual they conjure.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Newborn Know-It-Alls
Wait a min, they don’t give a shit about our privacy in the bathroom….
bwahahaha! That is the truth. ;>
Andrea recently posted..You know you’re a mom when …
Ha! Good point. ;)
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Ohhh boy. Guilty. As. Charged. Luckily I didn’t post any photos. However, I admit to daily FB updates regarding my eldest’s poop stati–long before potty training commenced. They became infamously known as “The Poop Monologues.” I imagine my progeny will one day hire a hit honeybadger contract out on me.
cowgirlbetty recently posted..Things I have Done and Not Done:
No photos from me. I do, however, give a triumphant “No more diapers” holler every now and again.
Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) recently posted..The lazy mom: This century’s brand of feminism?
Oh yes! So darn true!
Lady Jennie recently posted..Life in the Trenches – Chapter 6
Thank you! Thank you! I hate talking about poop. I hate reading about it. I hate songs about it and I hate noises that relate to bodily functions. You can have a great relationship based on communication and trust with your child (I hope) and be proud of who they are and what they do, while also not making a big deal about potty stuff.
Jessica Smock recently posted..How New Parenthood Is Like the Zombie Apocalypse of the Walking Dead
Amen and amen!! While I was going through the highly gross potty training stage my first impulse was to share every sordid detail with the WORLD, then I thought….would I want to hear this?? The answer was always, always no.
Nellie recently posted..I Got A New Toy!
That should be some sort of potty training mantra: “Does anyone want to see this? The answer is always NO.”
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
I laughed so hard when I was reading this as my granddaugher is almost done with her training. At first my daughter gave us all photo update of the action on our cell phones. It made me think what if she posted it on facebook? Thank you for the laugh!
Angela – My Personal Accent recently posted..Fate of the Coca Cola Crate is in!
You’re welcome. :) And my poor mom and dad… they bore the brunt of all my potty training pride, too. God bless grandparents.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
You just made me burn some calories via laughter. Honey badgers eating pedo-junk? LOL!
Kristen Mae recently posted..To the Parents of the Kids I Chaperoned at the Zoo…
You mean no one wants to see the man-sized coil my 2.5-year old left me in the little Baby Bjorn potty?
Or the 12″ fucking LOG my darling 3.5-year old daughter deposited in the big toilet? The ginormous FLOATER?
I completely thought these things were MUSEUM-QUALITY!
MILF Runner recently posted..Mailbag Monday #6
How… descriptive. Who needs pictures? ;)
And I won’t lie – my husband and I have marveled over some of our daughter’s more impressive bowel movements… and then looked at each other and said, “What are we DOING?!”
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
This was too funny and true!
Natalie recently posted..Where I’ve Been This Week 2012: Week 7
Preach, sister! We’re starting this process now, and may the potty training gods smite me where I stand (which will probably be in a puddle of toddler urine) if I post anything about my sons ‘poopies’ or ‘pee pees’ on facebook.
Jeni recently posted..Treadmills and Tantrums: Stories from the Gym
Laughing at, “May the potty gods smite me where I stand…”
And yes, nobody wants to hear about poopies and pee-pees. NOBODY.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..This Is Three
Just starting this process with the Lil’ Miss. And never would I post pics. Too many creepos out there! So AMEN sistah!
Crystal recently posted..The Sock Monster Does Exist
YES. No one wants to see little tickle-tackles all over the Internet. Especially of friends’ children. Come on, I’ll see them again when the grow up, do I really want to have visions of asses and privates of said child in my head?
Great piece, Kristin.
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured February Linkup, And Some News
This!
Seriously wish I would have found Scary Mommy when my first was born, almost 8 years ago, as I would have spent so much time laughing my ass off instead of being overwhelmed and over depressed! Thank you Scary Mommy for being out there as I can spend the next 15 – 20 years laughing hysterically over the trials and tribulations of Motherhood!