Rage: The Scariest Symptom of PPD


It was the rage that frightened me. I had expected to feel down, sad, and grumpy. Which I did, that’s for sure. But rage? That was not something I expected from postpartum depression. And the rage is what drove me to get help.

About five weeks after my second daughter, Grace, was born, my husband could tell I was not doing well. So he decided to surprise me with a half-day at a local spa. I was thrilled. Nails, facial, massage … and no baby or toddler attached to me for a few blissful hours. Heaven.

But when I came home, I could hear Grace’s crying from the basement. My body tensed immediately and the relaxed feeling was gone. Hubs told me that Grace didn’t eat the entire time I was out. She took a little milk from a bottle but then wouldn’t accept the bottle again.

She didn’t accept a bottle EVER again.

And I could feel the rage start to build from that day.

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I felt trapped by my colicky, non-sleeping, no-bottle-taking baby. I was frustrated with my toddler, Anne, who was throwing tantrums constantly. And I was really questioning my decision to leave my full-time writing job for the occasional freelance gig.

I felt overwhelmed, sad, anxious, and angry. Every. Single. Day.

Then one night I really lost it on Anne when she was having a tantrum. I couldn’t control the words flying out of my mouth. I wanted to smack her and make her stop (which thankfully, I didn’t). I wanted to be anywhere but there.

The rage coming out of me was other-worldly. Thankfully Hubs was there and was able to intervene. I feel physically ill when I think about how I acted and what could have happened. It was the most terrifying feeling I had ever experienced.

I called both my primary care and OB docs the next day. Working together, they got me on Zoloft and into therapy right away. And I felt better within days. The sadness, the lack of interest in life, the anxiety … it all got better with the Zoloft.

The rage, though, took more work to get under control. The Zoloft helped. But the therapy was what made it much, much better.

Four years later, I am still managing my depression. The PPD got better, but then morphed into another kind of depression when my dad suddenly died. Who knows what it technically is now — but I’m still dealing with it.

And the rage is still there. It’s the most difficult part to manage and from my experience, the least-talked about symptom of depression.

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That’s why I’m writing this post. I want all you moms out there to know that if you deal with PPD, depression, and especially the rage that can accompany it, you are not alone. You are not a bad mom. It can and will get better—if you get help.

Being a mom means doing hard things. And sometimes the hardest thing is asking for the help you need. I know that first phone call was incredibly hard for me to make.

But now I understand that depression happens to regular people. These scary feelings do not make me a bad mother. And with medication, therapy, and healthier life choices, I feel more like me again.

Yes, I’m still fighting the depression, sadness, and rage. But now, finally … finally I feel like I’m winning.

About the writer

JD Bailey is the creator of the website and online community, Honest Mom. With candor and humor, JD writes to connect with other moms and raise awareness about women’s mental health. She’s been published in print and around the web, and was thrilled (and terrified) to be interviewed by Katie Couric about depression and anxiety in moms. When she’s not writing or mom-ing, you can probably find JD on Facebook or Twitter.


Ellen 3 months ago

PPD is real, but it doesn’t happen to all Mother’s. I breastfed all 5 of our children, 1 set of twins for 8 full months. I guess I’m just a very relaxed, lay back person it didn’t affect me. Our youngest being 33yrs.old, I have times now in my 60’s I can be down, but I find things that I like to do and do them. It certainly helps me. We take time and go on a long week end to just get away. It helps. Hobbies help wonderfully. Good luck to those who need the extra help.

Holli 4 months ago

Thank you! My bf left us because of PPD.

Kirsten 7 months ago

I’ve just recently had my second son, and both my boys were c-section babies. With my first i went through 24 hours of labour (with no drugs or any kind of help for pain… i wanted a natural birth) before i had an emergency c-section. I felt horrible. I didn’t get to see my baby for almost a day as he was in NICU and i couldnt get out of bed. we struggled with him and teething the stress of moving, my boyfriends older three kids who live with us. And it wasn’t until four months ago I found out I was pregnant again… and delivered my second baby in April (another c-section!) My baby’s nearly three weeks old. My other son almost eleven months… With the stress of everything, I’ve just recently recognized i have PPD. I’m still in the process of getting help. But reading all these blogs and everyone’s comments. Knowing i’m not the only one. Helps so so much. I’ve been feeling like the worst person in the world. the worst mom. I have three beautiful lovable step kids, and two wonderful babies… and here i am feeling sad, angry, hopeless wanting to run away from it all… but now that ive found out and am getting help. i feel a little better. so thank you, all of you. for sharing your stories, theyve helped me so much this past week…

Lesa 7 months ago

All so true and more. I have been a suffer for 5 years. I appreciate this type of reading as it makes me feel less alone. Thank you

Michelle 7 months ago

Rage was definitely a terrible and terrifying symptom. Right along with intrusive thoughts… it was like waking nightmares.

Jen 7 months ago

Thank you. My daughter is almost 6 months. My husband just thinks I’m miserable and it’s my own fault. I’m angry. So angry. All the time. I lose it all most daily on my 3 year old…I lose it when my infant won’t fall asleep. I didn’t know this could be a sign of PPD. I’m making a call now because I can’t handle the anger. The sadness and the anxiety. I thought it was just me and my own fault…

Cruella 9 months ago

Thank you for sharing this. I need help. I just spent an hour screaming at my 6 year old, to the point that he was shielding me from him with his arms saying, “You wish you never had me!” My God, what am I doing to my children?? LIfe is stressful lately and I am not coping. at. all. I’ve been on anti-depressants and it was almost worse! I like the suggestions of vitamin B, yoga and therapy. I’m terrified that my children will leave as soon as they are old enough and never want anything to do with me again. I love them so much. Will they look back on their childhood and only remember a scary mommy??

erima 9 months ago

Thank you. I needed this so much I went to the doctor and he gave me medication but my whole family is against it so for a week I haven’t taken it but I feel so crap. The rage I’d terrible it sends me spiralling further down into such dark thoughts

A Mom Like You 9 months ago

Rage is terrifying. It’s irrational, mean and uncontrollable. It’s not like anger, it’s nothing like anger. Anger is not even in the same category as rage. Anger is a response to a situation, rage is……. well, it’s scary. Rage needs professional help and probably medication, anger needs a glass of wine and a hot bath. Rage builds and builds, there is no stopping it. You feel it coming, you know what’s happening, but can do nothing to stop it.

Having done rage and PPD, but not together, my heart goes out to those who have both. I can’t imagine having a new baby and dealing with rage.

Here’s my advice, for what it’s worth. :)

* Firstly. GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR and a psychologist. You are sick, not crazy. You can’t just tuff it out and wait for it to get better, it won’t get better, at least not for a very long time. This type of rage is hormonal, and usually manageable with medication. The hard part is finding the medication that works. Remember you are not weak or crazy, you are ill!!! Your brain is sick, stick with the treatments, that little goobery face with the toothless grin, is worth the weekly trips to the doctor(s). The sooner you do this, the easier treatment will be, delaying getting help just makes getting better harder.

*You MUST have someone that you trust COMPLETELY. They MUST be prepared to tell you when they see things are starting to slide, this happens waaaaaay before you think it does. And you MUST listen to them, no matter how badly you don’t want to. They are trying to help, that is all they are trying to do. They are not mean, superficial, ignorant, ungrateful, moronic a-holes, they are your friend. Your BEST friend, only a bestie can take on this job.

*When you feel it building, find a way, ANY WAY, to remove yourself from the situation, so you can have some time to work through it. Make arrangements with a trusted neighbour, family or friend to drop the kids off or call for help, with little or no explanation or notice; or ask someone to come stay with you – Grandparents love this one. Kids do not need to see their parents raging, and personally, I don’t think it’s all that safe either, you are not thinking clearly. Rage is probably closer to Post Partum Psychosis than PPD, untreated bad things would certainly happen.

*Know that this maniac is NOT who you are, you are suffering a hormonal imbalance over which you have absolutely no control. YOU ARE SICK!!!

*Don’t punish yourself, your behaviour has not been done on purpose. Tell yourself that this is not you, the real you is still in there, she’s just stuck in a bad situation at the moment. If you have to, write up cards that read something along the lines of “I am not my rage.” “I am a kind, caring, loving mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend.” “The real me is still in me somewhere. She’s just on vacation in Antarctica and will come back someday soon.” “My family loves me and I love them.” Or whatever makes you feel better, anything to remind you of who you really are. Post them where you need them most and can see them.

*Let people help you. Your family and friends see you are in crisis and want to help you. Let them.

*Trust your husband/significant other/partner/spouse. Trust them completely. They know this maniac is not you and want to help, they want YOU back as much as you do. Let them. This is the kind of trust couples are supposed to have, but very often don’t. This could be the one thing that saves your relationship.

*Relinquish control. Believe it or not, the world will keep spinning, your baby will keep growing, the flowers will keep blooming, whether – you wash the dishes/laundry/floors today or not; baby gets a bottle because no one wants to wake you up; Dad dresses baby in an outfit that is too big/too small/doesn’t match/has stains on it/has gunk stuck to it/was worn yesterday/etc.; baby gets fed something you don’t think they should have yet and are completely fine; the lawn doesn’t get mowed for another week; whatever task, item or idea seems so important in that moment, goes unanswered. This goes back to trust.

*You are not a bad mother and have not ‘ruined’ your kids lives. Talk to them when you’re calm, they know something is wrong too. Explain as much as you think they need to hear in an age appropriate manner. Apologize to them if needed, they will forgive you and still love you, no matter what.

*Lastly, everyone will be okay, including you and your kids.

My rage was a direct side effect to medication I was taking for endometriosis, after it returned with a vengeance 8 weeks post op, BEFORE we had kids. I wanted to kill people, really kill them, and since I was a cop I had the means and knowledge. It took every ounce of self control I had not to kill, or maim, people in my daily life, that and giving my boss my gun. I wasn’t allowed in stores alone, after I made a store clerk cry after she politely asked “debit or credit? “. My husband wouldn’t let me go to stores, or anywhere really, alone. Not to protect me, but to protect the world from me. It was the right thing to do, and I’m thankful, and tremendously grateful, he had the kahonas to do that for me, and that I trusted him enough to allow him to do it. I was still raging 3-4 months after I got off the medication, just not as bad. We made it through the 6+ months of my rage episode and have now been married 16 1/2 years. We have talked about it and he said what got him through it was the fact he knew this wasn’t the real me, I listened to him, trusted him and let him help me. It was intense and hard, it was very. very hard and I’m back to so semblance of normal, I am allowed out alone again and no longer want to kill people. 😀

From the sounds of it, you may be suffering from PTSD. It’s not uncommon in moms. Even now, mention it to your doctor(s) and see what they think. PTSD is hard, but manageable. I have this too – depression, chronic pain and PTSD. As a result when my hubby tells me I need help, I listen.

Thanks for making mental illness in moms okay. I see a lot of people sought help after reading your post, some felt less alone and some finally didn’t think they were crazy anymore. That’s why these particular type of posts are written. Is it not?? It’s not easy to admit you’re human.

Megan 10 months ago

Thank you! Thank you for this website and this article. My son is now 4. Husband and I split last year due to my uncontrollable anger and his infidelity. At a point of acceptance and recovery. Loosing my family forced me to reckon w demons and i am thankful for the lesson. Couldn’t figure out why I went off the deep end w rage after my son was born. Besides not sleeping for 3 years even though ridiculously exhausted, a high needs baby and running a business w hubby, I am not proud to say that the transition into wife and motherhood was not pleasant and it consumed everyone around me. I am thankful to know that there are other mothers dealing w the same. I have begun taking Maca powder for hormonal balance-which is a miracle worker and I would suggest it for all women, and men. It’s a natural root. Thankful to have support and the ability to research and educate myself in this path toward healing. Blessed be to all you mothers who are struggling to find balance

Julie 10 months ago

I have a history of depression and depression and anxiety run in my family (both sides!). I’ve been in therapy for years so my doctor referred me to a psychopharmacologist to go over my options. I also had an appointment set up with my dr for one week after the birth. My husband and I talked about it and I suspect he did some research on his own. He was prepared and reminded me every day that I was going to be ok. When I had my second the ppd set it faster and was more intense. But with my husband, my doctor and my family I got through it. My kids are 2 and 4 now and I’m starting to see some depression symptoms flare up again. My dr thinks I need a medication tweek. The keys to surviving ppd are to assess your risk (your OB can do tha) and be prepared with a support and care plan. And as everyone else has said: you are not alone, you WILL get through it with HELP.

pay per download 10 months ago

Very nice write-up. I absolutely love this website. Keep it

Ashley 10 months ago

Thank you for this post I sought treatment for the same reasoning the rage and angry outbursts I was feeling like some vicious monster after seeing this post I realize its not just me which is such a relief!

vanessa 11 months ago

Thank you for this. I never knew rage could accompany depression. I think I have more rage than sadness most of the time. I thought I was some sort of monster. Everybody else who has talked about depression, PPD, or even just regular new mom stress has only ever mentioned sadness. thank you.

ash 11 months ago

Thank you for the post, it helps to know that I’m not alone with the rage and other ppd symptoms. I feel like everyone I talk to just feels the anxiety, sadness, and depression. It’s refreshing to know I’m not alone in the anger feelings I’ve been feeling. Thank you so much!

Dan DeBartolo 11 months ago

Tonight was horrifying. My wife and I had our third child four weeks ago today. I’ve stayed home on personal leave since the begining of December, but must return to work this Monday.

My wife has said often during the last week that I’m not cutout to be at home. I’m doing my best, but I do get frustrated with my 4.5 year old girl and 3 year old boy. However, I am helping whoever I can during this bug transition.

My daughter went out with my wife today to do some shopping and take a break, but apparently my girl had a tantrum in a store over not getting a toy she wanted. My daughter has been especially whiny the past two months and it grates on my wife’s nerves something terrible. Today this led to several smacks in the bottom once they wee back in the car. My wife called me to tell me she was dropping off my ungrateful bitch and she would be my problem. I said little and told her I would deal with it.

Later my wife tells me that she can’t go in with my daughter acting his way. It HAD TO STOP!

The remainder of the evening seemed ok until bedtime. I was responsible for getting my kids to bed, and my daughter was not taking “no” for an answer on an issue that didn’t need to be a big deal. She yelled at me and told me she was going to do what she wanted. Just then my wife stormed in from our bedroom where she has need feeding out newborn. She grabbed my daughter by the leg and arm and thee her in to bed. She began spanking hard her exposed legs and backside.

She proceeded to yell at my daughter and say horrible things. She then grabbed her around the head with her hands and got in her face to tell he she wa going to drive my daughter out the road and kill her. “life would be better then.” My wife been mock laughing at me while I died to calm her down. She said no – I can’t stand this little bitch anymore. Let’s do it! Let’s kill her and bury her. No one will know!

She’s proceeded to yell in front of my 3 year old who came in the room to protect his user as well. “I don’t want you anymore. You can’t live here anymore!” “Your brothers don’t deserve this.”

When it was finally over my daughter was sobbing and terrified. I felt like I was on another planet. Later I tried to talk to her about rage I hadn’t seen before and maybe it was PPD. She mocked me and said that it was my fault and my daughters fault for being such brats all the time. It was genetic and my mother’so fault as well. She has reached a snapping point and the only people to blame were my daughter and me. She said that she will kill my daughter if she continues like this. She said it very calmly to me and it freaked me out. She said she didnt need help, but we had to send our daughter away somewhere.

I know my wife. She is stubborn. And I just don’t know what to do right now.

    vanessa 11 months ago

    You need to take the kids and get to a safe place.

    Julie 10 months ago

    Please get your kids to a safe place. You need to protect them first and them get your wife help next. I obviously don’t know her but I’m betting this is not her. She has had some kind of breakdown and needs help. You also might want to think about some counseling for your daughter, even temporary, to help her deal with this scary time. So please, take your kids to your mother’s or another relative. NOW.

    A Mom Like You 9 months ago

    Your wife is very sick. If she won’t talk to her doctor you NEED to, ASAP or sooner. If she refuses treatment there are ways to compel her into treatment, they usually include the person being a danger to themselves or others. Do you believe you children are in danger?? Or is she blowing smoke?? If you believe your kids are in danger you can call the police or have her forcibly committed.

    Keep safe.

Rebecca 11 months ago

I feel a little better having found this. I have a four year-old and, in retrospect, feel like I had terrible PPD after he was born…and I feel like it has never ended? After my husband confessed to me that he wished I was a better mother last year, I had a bit of a wake up call and sought counseling and medication, but have not really felt any better. Each of four different medications made it almost impossible to function as a mother or wife: I felt extremely drugged, with an inability to concentrate or focus. I have fluctuated between trying to find the right medication and then taking none at all and trying to control my emotions through other avenues (working out, diet, yoga, etc.), but I still have not found the answer for myself. Has anyone had this experience? When people refer to PPD is there a time limit on that? I’m grateful that this post was written, as I’ve had similar thoughts/feelings/experiences and I’m just horrified with myself. I’m so thankful that there is some sort of hope…that so many of you have found a light at the end of the tunnel.

    A Mom Like You 9 months ago

    One of the side effects of antidepressants is extreme fatigue. If you can tough it out, it goes away in about a month.

Mel 1 year ago

Thank you so much for sharing this. I thought I was alone with this symptom of PPD.

New mom 1 year ago

Thank you. The rage is what made me go to the doctor. Nice to read something that is exactly what I am experiencing

Ayla 1 year ago

I’m guilty of the rage. I’m so sleep deprived right now, my three, almost four month old has developed this habit of waking every hour at night. I co sleep so I’m always rolling over and nursing back to sleep. It’s beginning to wear on me. I haven’t slept longer than three hours at a time in a week. Ifind myself so frustrated that I end up getting in my baby’s face and growling at her. Growling. Like a dragon or something. I feel horrible about it. It scares her so much and she doesn’t deserve it. But I don’t have a lot of help. I pretty much have nobody to watch her. It’s getting really bad. If I had insurance I would try to get mental help but it just isn’t an option.

danielle A 1 year ago

I had rage too. Either rage or just feeling dead like I didn’t care. Everyone was completely blown away by and in love with my adorable son and I was like “yeah he’s cute.” I didn’t care. I knew that wasn’t normal. I couldn’t be as excited as anyone. Went to therapy. Made a lot of life changes, moved pretty far away from my parents who don’t care about me at all. I try to eat really healthy, take vitamins, minerals and herbs and thankfully my dh is helpful and supportive

Kim 1 year ago

I have PPD and I concur about the rage. I had no idea it was a part of depression and I have been dealing with depression on and off ever since I was a teenager. But ever since my daughter was born I’d get into these rages where I was yelling, crying, screaming and throwing things (not at anyone and my rages weren’t caused by my children). The crazy part is that while I knew my tantrums and how I behaved was crazy and unacceptable, I had truly believed I was justified in feeling that angry. Fortunately, for me, my medication has completely removed the rage aspect.

Mm 1 year ago

I came across this by googling ppd and rage and I am SO GLAD you wrote this! I thought something horrible was wrong with me! I have always battled depression but since I’ve had my fourth baby (four boys!) I have been so angry… mostly with my three year old. I can’t handle him sometimes and my SO works second shift so I am home with them all evening. I was so scared because I thought — this is not what depression is — but thank you! I am calling my doctor firs thing in the morning because I unfortunately have lost it and spanked and that is NOT LIKE ME at all! I literally feel like my skin is crawling sometimes and I don’t understand it because I LOVE being a mom! Thank you times a million for this post!

Sarah 2 years ago

oh man. The rage is why I got help, too. The rage is what I’m afraid of now, 8 days out from my due date with my third. i will definitely do medication right away if I need to this time. Without hesitation. Its so not worth it, and it isn’t fair to the kids or to me. Life is just too short.
Thank you for talking openly about this.

Amanda 2 years ago

After my first it was self loathing…and things got really bad with my husband. A few years later things had improved greatly and we decided to have another…and while pregnant the rage began, my poor first, I feel so guilty sometimes. I got help and was on Lexapro for a long time and I talk about my feelings with my husband and my mom and my friends and on facebook. I preface each post with something along the lines of “I’m not looking for attention, I’m venting because if I don’t I’ll spiral down…”

It’s been almost 4 years since my second baby,and I feel 100% myself again. No rage :) No depression or anxiety really either. it takes time, longer for some than others…but it does get better. We are not bad moms. Light and Love to all of you who’ve struggled with or are still struggling with PPD, you are not alone!

Victoria M. 2 years ago

I can’t stand the cliched “am I the only one?” comments, but that is exactly what I’ve been thinking for the past 7 weeks of my newborn’s life. I’ve battled depression on my own since middle school and I knew that after having her, I’d pretty much be a classic case of a new mom with PPD, but I didn’t expect the rage. The night that I finally decided I need medical help was the night she was gassy and tired and crying and I yelled at her to shut up. She was 5 weeks old, but the look on her face crushed me. She looked at me like I’d betrayed her and really, I had. I’m her mother, I’m her world and the only one here to nurture and love her and I yelled at her.
I’m on Prozac now and going back to work full time has helped, but I’m so scared I’ll do something like that again or something worse.

Jen 2 years ago

I was in an accident where I hit a pedestrian and the boy (19) died. I got pregnant with my second child a couple months later and my son was born 1 day before the 1 yr anniversary of the accident. I experience rage like this everyday,almost all day long. I always attributed it to the accident. now I think that I have PPD on top of my PTSD. I started taking my meds again and they DO NOT HELP WITH THE RAGE!!!! I don’t have perscription insurance and most meds are way out of my price range! This post had me literally BAWLING at my desk! I thank you so much for making me realize that I need additional help and there are women out there that feel this way also! I am so afraid that I am going to go to my dr and tell him what is happening and he is going to call the authorities on me and my kids are going to be taken away! My husband doesn’t understand why I’m so angry all the time and I believe if I don’t fix it soon, our marrage will be over. Thanks again for the hope that life can get better. I will call my dr tomorrow

Alexa 2 years ago

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have experienced similar bouts of rage and frustration and just lack of interest… in mothering. And after the episodes pass, I am so ashamed and sad for how I have spoken to my children. After reading this post, I am more inclined to seek out someone to talk to. And I am a fan of the medicine too. It helps tremendously. But it doesn’t completely solve my issue. Thank you.

Anon 2 years ago

I have just stopped taking zoloft, almost 18 months after my second daughter was born. My biggest worry is what of the rage comes back…dealing with a three year old is not easy for anyone, but for someone who has battled PPD, it can feel like an insurmountable task to deal with the constant demands of a preschooler. I hope that I can manage without the antidepressants. But if I can’t, I know that it is important to reach out for help. There is no shame in admitting that you need help md seeking it out!

Cas 2 years ago

When I was pregnant I was prepared for feeling blue and the crying, but I never thought I’d feel so angry I just wanted to tear things apart and scream and lash out. My doctor put me on zoloft two days ago and I hope it helps. I can’t stop raging at m husband. I just want to feel like myself again.

great_post 2 years ago

The rage is what I remember from the first year after my son was born. I even explaned it to my husband as “red-hot inner race. All.The.Time”. I was just so angry. I since got help, but I still struggle with necessary anger almost every day. But it’s not “rage” anymore.

    great_post 2 years ago

    Gah. “red hot inner rage”.

Anastasia 2 years ago

Thank you for talking about this. When I tell people that while I was sad, anxious, and had no “get up and go” when I had ppd, the thing they give me weird looks about is when I tell them how angry I was. I’m not an angry person, but I resented the baby, I hated my toddler, and I couldn’t stand my husband. I wanted everyone to go away. I snapped at and (emotionally) hurt both my husband and my son. It breaks my heart now to think about how I treated them.
When I got on Zoloft it lifted. I didn’t go to therapy, but the medication helped immensely.
Thank you for talking about this symptom. It doesn’t get nearly enough press.

ct momma 2 years ago

Something to be aware of: my rage and depression actually started in month two of my pregnancies with both my boys. With one son it lasted about a year after he was born and with the other it lasted about three years. I had no symptoms with my daughter (in between the boys). What we came to realize was that I was HIGHLY sensitive to the male hormones in my body. We decided it was best to not have any more children because we just couldn’t risk it, but we were blessed to have a surprise (family) adoption that blessed us with our youngest son. it was a different kind of illness with each boy, but an illness none the less. if you find yourself having changed, even while pregnant, please seek help.

Whoa Nellie 2 years ago

dear god, reading your post just made me realize that I had PPD for a lot longer than I thought with my son, who is now 24. Thanks to my ex who moved us to a town where we knew no one and had no resources and no money, I wasn’t aware of my son’s existence (other than for necessities like food, sleep, and hygiene) for his first 7 months. Then one day something clicked and I was like “oh, there he is!”. Then I had periods of a rage unlike anything I had ever experienced, the kind that made people shut up and back away. That went away and was replaced with days of time where I didn’t want to get out of the bed at all, but only did so I could go to work and get away from everyone – up to and including my child. I hated myself, my husband, and my child. But I was told by my loving husband at the time that I needed to just “snap out of it” that it was all “my fault”. There is a six month period of time that I don’t remember because I was so far down. Then came the rages again where I very nearly did something criminal because I couldn’t stand the tantrums and the backtalk and the willfulness. Then we got divorced. That’s probably what saved me and others. And no, I never went to the doctor for this at any point in time (total of six years), mainly because we never had any money and it was beat (sometimes literally) into my head that it was “all my fault”.

    LAS 2 years ago

    Whoa Nellie, I feel like I just read about myself! I’ve been taken in handcuffs to the psych ward and understand the ‘nearly criminal’ behavior completely. I’m so glad that you got away from that asshat! There’s way too many of them out there, male and female, that need to STFU. If it makes you feel any better, I was told by my ex (in the hospital, post brain tumor removal) that I was no longer loved unconditionally because “there is always something wrong with you.” You know, because my severe PPD, car accident and subsequent back injury and surgery, and then brain tumor I clearly developed all on purpose, just to piss him off. I hope you can find a doctor to work with if you still need one. I’m broke because of my divorce and health issues, and my doctor tries to give me samples as much as possible. I hope you are feeling better!

      Whoa Nellie 2 years ago

      no doubt about it that I’m better now! my ex insisted on sole custody and I didn’t fight it because I really wanted away from everyone and everything. best thing I ever did. I became a better parent from afar and was able to tackle bigger things down the road. I regained my self confidence that had been abused out of me for 8 years (two years together before the son arrived) and went on to do lots of things he said I was too stupid to do. Sure, there are times albeit rare when I feel the rage under the surface but I am able to keep that dog on a leash. Lots more things that went on that I’m sure there isn’t enough space for here, but there was every kind of abuse except for sexual and it made me question myself every day. the ex ended up being in an abusive relationship where he was the abused and I thought it a particularly sweet piece of instant karma. True to form for most abusers, he was a big p***y when he was getting knocked around so I had to get involved because our son was living there with them.

Tamy 2 years ago

Yes this is scary, but you have my respect for admitting all this on a public forum. Thank you. Problems don’t go away and only grow worse if we hide in shame. The shame factor is what cause us women to isolate when we have these types of problems. We worry about other people thinking poorly of us and so we suffer in silence. You are helping to break that silence with this post.

Isha 2 years ago

hii…thankx for the post …now i think i have this PPD ..my daughter is 3 yr old and at times i cant tolerate the tantrums and i really beat her i tried controlling but once in a month when i no more can take it she gets it and i just cant cantrol it..until my rage is over. i am full of guit just after that curse myself and just hate myself i dont know how and what to do. where i leave people dont take get much help but atleast i knw now what it is. i’ll se a doc now. thankx

    Infinity Blues 2 years ago

    Don’t hate yourself, Acknowledge there is an issue and seek help immediately. If you do not have insurance there are clinics. When you know better, you do better. And you are the most important person in her life, be a hero.

Amanda 2 years ago

Thank you so much! I have a 2 going on 3 year old and my husband has taken a job in another state and so it’s just me and the terrible 2’s/3’s. I’ve battled PPD since he was 4 months old. It usually rears its ugly head at any transition point, turning 1, no more breastfeeding, eating solids, learning to say ‘no’ all are changes that threw me and would throw my life out of balance.

It’s like you put into words what I can’t! I feel like the worst version of myself and it’s all because of my response to my child. nothing else creates this feeling as much as he does. He’s a boy, full of energy and strong willed and without a helper I can’t get through it like I’d like.

People don’t understand how such a sweet child can create hideous emotional reactions because they aren’t living it daily and so no one understands that help is needed!

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Foxy 2 years ago

No comments? No comments on a post as significant as this? I am struggling, and so appreciative to read this and hear that the anger I’ve felt since my sons birth might be more common than I thought.

    JD @ Honest Mom 2 years ago

    Hi Foxy! Do you see the comments now? I think the Scary Mommy site must have been transitioning to Discus when you read the post.

chrisb 2 years ago

I was doing homework with my 4-year old after getting home from preschool at 5 pm. I had a long day at work. She had a hard day at school. It was her first day back after being home sick for a couple of days. She was practicing writing her first and last name. She did a great job the first few times. Took her time and wrote it neatly. By the third time she got sloppy.

I corrected her with patience the first few times then rage set in. I became frustrated and kept erasing what she did telling her she did it wrong and to try again. Then I noticed that she became hesitant and unsure of each letter she wrote. That’s when I came to my senses, recognized the rage, and reminded myself “wait, she’s 4.” Unfortunately, the damage was done, the words have been said, the affects of my negative approach to “helping” my daughter with her homework have already surfaced. She was just tired from a very long day at preschool. She’s ONLY 4. Why did I have to act this way?

This wasn’t the first time something like this has happened either. It happens more often than not. And boy do I blame myself. After all, who else is there to blame? Aren’t we all responsible for our own actions? It must be because I’m just not a good mother. Why can’t I do it? Everyone else seems to be doing it just fine. No one else seems to have these issues. Right?

My baby girl is the most precious thing to my heart and soul and she deserves nothing but the best. She deserves a better mommy.

I’ve been suffering depression for 4 years now. I’ve tried talking to a therapist but my budget won’t allow that anymore. I tried locating support groups for this sort of thing in my area but couldn’t find any.

Thank you for this blog. It helps me so much to know that I am not alone. I’ve finally found the support group I’ve been looking for all this time.

anne 2 years ago

So glad I found your posts. I think I am suffering from depression, and I have had such a hard time admitting it. I want to cry all the time. I am so mad at my husband for everything. I love my kids, but I just feel like I can’t do anything right even though, I feel like I’m trying to love them & meet their needs and be the best mom. I feel good about what I do at work. I just don’t feel like I’m good at being a mom & wife. This morning was terrible and I have been crying most of the day. Not sure who I should talk to. My mom just says that “some days are just hard.” Thanks ladies… not alone.

Erica 2 years ago

Thank you. This post is bringing me to tears. Nightly I sit here while my kids are finally sleeping and relive my entire day of failures. Angry outbursts, the times i thought of smacking them, the times I wanted to run out of my house. I wish I could be better mom for my kids right now. I need to get help but am scared to tell my hubby…I fear he will think i’m crazy. My kids are 23m and 8m. It’s just so hard and feeling like there’s no one to talk to because I feel like they will all judge me so harshly for having these feelings. Reading this post makes me feel not so alone. Thank you.

Am. 2 years ago

I honestly am so happy i found this, yet it still does not help me. I am terrfied of what i am doing to my children (3,5) emotional and psychologically! I was diaganosed with depression and anxiety disorder two months ago, then lost my medical insurance until recently. And i have been having major freak outs, only at my boys! And they are horrific! I told them once i wish they were never born, today i wanted to drop them off somewhere so i couldnt hear their voices. who the hell does that! I dont deserve them, i dont deserve anything! This was all over un eaten yogurt! I honestly dont know how to tell them what is wrong with me! Im hurting them! Help! I dont know how long i can just try to brush my feelings off and pretend its ok…….

    JD @ Honest Mom 2 years ago

    Am. – if you are feeling this desperate, go to the emergency room. They will help you and can provide resources for mental health help, even if you don’t have insurance. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. Thinking of you – JD

    isha 2 years ago

    Am you are not alone its my problem also i am facing it everyday…dont know where to get help. but atleast can talk to our doc

Xiomara | Equis Place 3 years ago

Thank you for saying this aloud. I struggle with depression, and rage is the scariest symptom of all. I feel as if I cannot control the words coming out of my mouth when I get really really angry, and then I feel such guilt afterwards. I want to be a better mom for my son and a better girlfriend so I’m getting the help I need, but sometimes it doesn’t’ seem to be enough.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 2 years ago

    I hear you. I really do. I 100% get it. Hang in there and keep working with your therapist or whoever you are getting help from. Big hugs. -JD

Debi 3 years ago

This may be a long shot, and I LOATHE sounding like one of those ‘born again’ non-smokers, new christians, etc. But the rage you described really hit me viscerally. I had this too. Only it showed up after surgery. Everything aggravated me, birds tweeting, my kids just giggling, people chewing. Rage is the right word, my irritation was out of control. It took all my efforts just to not be violent, let alone speak politely! I eventually got other symptoms (headaches, fibro) but the first to show up for years was the rage. About 10 years after the rage first showed (I was 17) I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. Understand also, that my aunt and my dad also have that rage. They’ll be fine, and then they aren’t. I went gluten free and within 2 weeks the rage was gone. The depression was gone, the headaches and body pain were gone. So when I read about your rage, it really just struck a chord and I had to say something. Research symptoms of Celiac. A lot of time people don’t have the stomach symptoms, but instead have psychological ones.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 2 years ago

    Very interesting. I do have IBS and have for ages. Will look into Celiac. Thanks.

    Amanda 2 years ago

    I have endometriosis and it also causes the mood swings and emotional symptoms that can be from PPD. You are in pain all the time so you aren’t going to be your happy self. So pain control and anti depressants can help alleviate the pressure physically and then emotionally.

ppd mama 3 years ago

thank you for your honesty! today i begin therapy (for the millionth time). I have a history of depression, diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about 3yrs ago. Anyway, been on Zoloft since week 6 of pregnancy. I seriously have come to believe that I hate my husband, the rage and anger is unreal. I’m relieved to read your post. i never knew it was a symptom of PPD. The shrink i’m seeing today specializes in PPD. Reading your post makes me feel less mean and more in need of therapy. thank you, thank you, thank you!

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 2 years ago

    I’m so glad that what I wrote helped you, even in a small way. I wish you all best and I hope you feel better very soon! -JD

Julie 3 years ago

After one too many days of feeling like my only choices were to scream at two innocent children for being children or to hide and hope that they didn’t need too much, I have an appt for an evaluation. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I remember screaming at my then 2yo for having an accident and putting his underwear on backwards. I wanted to ask for help but was so irrationally fearful that my husband’s command would find out and he would be dropped from flight school. It seemed to get better after she was born but still had episodes of sudden, intense RAGE. I am now 11wks pregnant with the third and the same out-of-control feelings are coming back. My favorite is when I try to explain what’s happening and get everything from “pray about it” to “you need to get over it because you’re a mom and they need you.” I know my children need me and I desperately want to be better but I am finally willing to admit that I am going to need some help to figure out how to do that.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 2 years ago

    Hi Julie, good for you for making an appointment. Many people don’t understand PPD and fear anything “wrong in the head.” People who tell you to try to pray through it or just get over it DO NOT UNDERSTAND, even if they are trying to help you, in their own way. Getting help is the brave, strong thing to do. I will you all the best. -JD

    Amanda 2 years ago

    People who never experience the emotional captivity like this definitely have no concept of the seriousness of the trauma it puts on you and your kids. I’ve talked to my OB, got some meds, and for a while was in therapy, not just for PPD but just to have someone to speak to about life and it made a huge difference!

      Martes 2 years ago

      What a huge weight lifted off my body at reading these posts! This symptom is not stressed enough! My coworker told me about this site and I am so greatful. Women feel insecure just talking about this topic, let alone admitting to dealing with it themselves. I am completely convinced that our society has done an excellent job of steadily trying to strip us from our womanhood/motherhood by making us think and feel like we are never good enough, we will never be good enough and that “super women” is a title that the world warns us we must own in order to be worthy of even being called a mother in the first place. It is a rat race track that us mommies have damn near been forced to perform on while the world sits back and watches from the side lines yelling out every foul, every turn over, every mishap, and every mistake.
      When a women is brave enough to speak up and parent the way she chooses to parent, and not try and fit inside anyone else’s cookie cutter shape, she is immediately judged and labeled a failure. There is definite strength in numbers moms!

KBar3 – MMR 3 years ago

I’m so thankful that you put yourself out there and let other women know they are not alone. I recently thought I was ready to go off my meds because I didn’t think they were “doing anything.” I had so many friends and family talk about how they “felt” better when they found the right meds for them. After trial and error, I never really “felt” different. It wasn’t until I weaned off of them (following my doctors orders) than I hit a wall a few weeks later. Two Saturdays in a row I found myself in bed, but never made the connection. Not until I flipped out on my daughter for something stupid and meaningless All of this anger and rage poured out of me before I realized what I was saying. I have never felt so horrible in my life, and I’m tearing up just thinking about it. The next day I called my doctor and went in to see him. He put me on something new. I now know that the meds are going to make me feel different in the way where everything is puppies and rainbows, but it does make me feel normal. I wish I could take that moment back, but I know I can’t. I can only make sure I’m taking care of myself for her.

Jackie 3 years ago

This was a great post!! My second was a colicky baby and would scream for days. I was so angry with everyone. I hated my life, I hated my kids, I wanted to be nowhere near anyone least of all my family. I didn’t feel like that with my first so I knew it was a normal feeling. After a 36 hour stretch of screaming when she was about 8 weeks old, I caught myself screaming at her and wanting to shut her up with a pillow – I broke down – it was not normal!!! I told my Husband – he was against me getting help – but I went to my Dr. the next day and went on Celexa – it helped so much, even my Husband said it was the best thing I did. She is now 6 years old and I am still dealing with it but it is under control now. Moms needs to know that it is not a weakness and getting help is the right thing. It is more common than people think.

Amy 3 years ago

Thank you for posting this. I’ve had PPD with all 3 of mine and nobody gets the rage part. It’s bad enough to feel like you’re failing the wonderful little person you worked so hard to bring into this world, but then to be so angry with them is heartbreaking. It’s comforting to know that other people have dealt with it too.

Cheryl T 3 years ago

Thank you for sharing this, and for your honesty in talking about something that is incredibly difficult to deal with. I can totally relate – some days I feel like I have become a different person since having my children (and not in a good way), and it’s nice to know I am not the only one who struggles with this. I am hopeful that, with some hard work, the rage will become a thing of the past – for everyone’s sake. Thank you again.

Charlotte 3 years ago

Wow i can’t believe how many comments i had to scroll through to get to the bottom. I am blown away that my problem is so prevalent. Totally bawling as i read the post and all the comments; i feel so much less alone and now i realize that this is almost kind of normal. I got psychiatric help and I’m so happy to report my life has never been better; now i realize my Mom suffered from this too!!! I was starting to behave just like her and i think once my hormones got back to normal levels plus therapy i have not had a rage episode in years and hopefully my baby girl (age 7) wasnt damaged by them Nor remembers them (she was 1-3 at the time). Thank you so much for your courage and honesty and to all these moms who have opened up; i can for give myself now. We need to band together and get this out in the Open so other moms don’t have to suffer alone. God Bless You All–

PLL 3 years ago

I can not thank you enough for this post. I went through the same thing last year after I had my 2nd child, but was afraid to tell anybody for fear they would take my kids away (despite the fact I never acted on my feelings). I eventually got help, but before I did I searched the web DAILY just trying to find other moms who felt this bizarre anger too, with not much to show for my searches. This needed to be put out there. THANK YOU!!!!!

Jackie 3 years ago

Did you have any problems with nursing and taking the medicine?
I’m more or less losing it. I have a three-year-old and a4-1/2 month old. I find that I hate myself just a little bit more each day. My three-year-old is such a good kid but I just can’t seem to stop myself from yelling at her. Half the time, I realize I’m being unreasonable but I just cannot stop myself. For pity’s sake, she’s three,of course she wants my attention.
The big problem is the baby. I adore her, I really do but Christ of a cracker, why won’t she let me put her down?!?! And the idea of a bottle? Nope, not gonna happen. My doc gave me a prescriptionforZoloft and told me if I really need it I can take it but what about nursing? Will she be ok with the meds? Will my milk dry up? I don’t know what to do and I don’t know who to ask! The doc was not helpful at all! I’m scared to take the meds but I’m scared not to also.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    Hi Jackie – I can tell you from my experience and from my doctor’s recommendation that Zoloft and Paxil are the SSRIs of choice for nursing moms. I took Zoloft the whole time I was nursing my baby – she refused bottles and I didn’t have a choice, but I did my research and Zoloft is as safe as you can get. Here is a recent study on SSRIs and nursing:


    I too, was scared to take the meds and also scared not to. I can tell you taking them was the best thing I ever did for me and my family.

    Also – my milk did not dry up. Not by a long shot. I haven’t heard that as a side effect.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    PS – feel free to contact me via my Facebook page or through email if you want to chat about it!

Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama 3 years ago

Thank you so much for sharing your poignant story, JD! You are one strong mama to have gone through this, and good for you for getting the help that you needed so immediately. I’m sure this post will help so many others.

Tired momma 3 years ago

Thank you for this. Yes I am a mom of 4 and yes I’m tired all the time and yes I love my children dearly. But as soon as I ovulate I am out of control. Not sure if life stress, working, having 4 small children is enough for me to say I’m depressed but I do know that I have rage for 2 weeks every single month for the past year. I spent all if last night reading each post and it made me realize that I am not alone. Unfortunatly others are suffering but there is definite comfort in that I am not alone. This month I am monitoring my mood and then seeing the doctor for help. I want to be able to look back and day I enjoyed my time with the kids while they were little. I also want them to have good memories of their childhood and that can only happen if I am mentally healthy. Again thank you!

Heather B 3 years ago

Thank you for this! I was diagnosed with PPD about 3 weeks after my beautiful girl was born (Nov. 2010)–and the reason I finally got help was because of the horrible things I was picturing myself doing to her. It was insane–one minute I was so anxiety ridden I couldn’t get off the couch, the next I’d be gazing at her and crying because of how much I loved her, and the second she’d start to cry–well, it got ugly (in my mind). I finally broke down and called the emergency doc line that a group of OB’s in my town have, and a Dr. talked me down for over an hour. He called my OB the next a.m. and he put me on Zoloft right away. Within 2 days or so I was feeling better, and I stayed on it right up until I got pregnant for the second time. Now I have 5 weeks left in this pregnancy, and while dealing with issues non-medicated has been difficult, I’ve continued in therapy, and am managing the best I can. All I know is that I have a bottle of Zoloft on standby–and it’s going to the hospital with me when I deliver. No way am I going to head down that road again–it’s not worth it.

Anna 3 years ago

I had no idea rage is part of PPD, very important and eye-opening post, I’m glad to have read it. And it’s amazing how many people have been helped by this post – one of the great things about the internet age is the ability to help people not feel so alone.

Sue 3 years ago

I love this post (you know what i mean) – it’s pretty much terrifying to admit you might need help and then GET it! I really appreciate you sharing your story…I don’t know why i think it’s awesome and brave for other women/moms to get the help they need, but i’m so hard on myself and think i need to just buck up. The thought of talking to my husband about how overwhelmed, anxious or stressed i am makes me feel like even more of a failure, honestly. I am totally struggling with this right now- i admire you taking the steps you needed to take and gaining control & the upper hand over it!

Andrea 3 years ago

Yes. SO much yes. Thank you for sharing. This is so important to remind people that they are not alone in their experiences. Many of us can relate.

Jenn *commenter before me* – please DO get help. You aren’t crazy and you aren’t alone. (hugs)

Anonymous 3 years ago

Can a Mum have PPD when her kids are 2 and 5? I have complained to two different Docs about my rage and neither of them said anything about PPD. This has been going on since my first was born. Yeah, living with this SHAME for 5 years now. The damage I fear I am doing to my kids is terrifying. I don’t have any family around me and most of my friends work so I rarely get a break. My husband is always so busy.

I think I need to make a phone call. Thank you.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    Yes, sounds like PPD/depression. Please do call your doctor. *hugs*

Jenn 3 years ago

Well.. I guess I’m not crazy after all.

I work 42+ hrs a week, as does my husband, plus he’s in school. But he is little to no help beyond a playmate. Like a fun Uncle. I get the 3yo and 8mo ready in the morning, take them and pick them up from daycare, tend to the dogs, dinner, housework, laundry, bath and bed (plus middle of the night wake ups) by myself. I average 4hrs of sleep, on a good night, and pretty much survive on caffeine. So the rage, anxiety and apprehension I always just chalked up to exhaustion.

Until last week. I held my toddler by the arms during a tantrum and yelled in her face like a psychopath. I honest to goodness don’t even remember what I said. Minutes later, the baby started crying and I screamed “shut up” up to the ceiling, stomping my feet like a child. I was mortified. I got the neighbor to sit with them and I sat in the bathroom and cried. It felt like an eternity. I don’t think it was very long because the neighbor asked if I was sure I didn’t need more time. I smiled and showed her out. Inside, though, I was praying she would never leave.

I told my husband about it when he got home. He told me I needed to chill out. Kids throw tantrums, babies cry. I’m a mom. It’s what I do. This coming from the youngest son of a mom who raised SEVEN kids alone with an abusive alcoholic. So, to my husband I’m a whiner.

To me, I need help.

I know that now, after reading this post and the subsequent comments. I am NOT alone. I am NOT crazy. I will NOT turn into my mother. I will NOT let the cycle continue.

I need help.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    Call your doc, Jenn. For sure. You sound like you are dealing with the kind of depression I deal with. You are not crazy. You have a way-too-full plate, are exhausted, and don’t have enough support. Meds and therapy – and sleep, if you can cut some stuff out and get it – can help. *hugs*

Mercy 3 years ago

It seems PPD is more common than we’d like to think. I know I experienced some after my 3rd was born. My older two were 3 years and 19 months, and I remember locking myself in my bedroom just to get away from their crying.Thankfully it didn’t last long, and I’ve never had to go on medication. But it’s good that it is an available option for those who need it.
Nowadays PMS can make me freak out and yell at my kids, and I have to tell myself that I’m not bad, just enduring hormones and it will be over soon.

Not just ppd 3 years ago

Thank you so much for writing this. I have suffered from depression on and off for years.

I don’t know if I. Had ppd when my children were born or not. However, we went through 4 years of infertility and had to have our children 12 months apart. Our oldest then went on to develop special needs. As the years went on I got so completely overwhelmed that the rage showed up out of nowhere and I never even noticed it until this post.

I am already on Ned’s but. Just contacted my doc to tell her about the rages. I was describing it as anxiety, which it also is. But it is so much more than that. I really appreciate this post and I really hope that my doc can do more for me after telling her of this new symptom.

I feel like I have been crying out for help and no one is helping.

Brooke 3 years ago

Reading everyone’s stories makes me tear up. I seriously thought I was the only crazy one. I have had Jackyl and Hyde (sp?) syndrome since having my second child. I have felt like the worst mother ever but just can’t get control of it. My doctor prescribed Prozac, which has not helped at all. Maybe I should ask about zoloft since it seems to be the going choice for your docs.

SAHM on a funny farm 3 years ago

Another unbelievable post, JD. You are such a giving woman to share your honesty! Thank Thank Thank you for it. I do believe rage is not understood or talked about nearly enough as a horrible symptom of depression. I had never heard that before but can completely understand it. And the comments that follow your post on Scary Mommy were incredible! So many women sharing and connecting and not feeling alone! They shared with such openness because of you! Awesome job. Thanks again for bringing awareness. All the best!

Kim 3 years ago

Thank you for sharing. What you described is exactly what I felt after my first! I too had no idea that rage was a symptom of PPD. It took me almost five months to get the help I needed. This is an important issue that continues to need more discussion.

kirsten oliphant 3 years ago

Thanks so much for sharing this! Such a vulnerable thing to share, and I’m sure your story will help encourage other women!

Kate in MI 3 years ago

By the way, my baby was actually 8 months old then. PPD is a sneaky, sneaky bastard.

Kate in MI 3 years ago

Holy crap.

I remember grabbing my 2 1/2 year old’s arms when my brand new baby was screaming (reflux issues), and wanting to just … squeeze. hard.
But I didn’t. And I went to the doctor and discovered that not only did I have a raging case of PPD, but also depression AND hypothyroidism. I was so much better after even a few days of Zoloft and Levothyroxine. SO MUCH better . I just scared the crap out of myself.
I never want to feel that again.

Jan 3 years ago

So I thought to myself quite a few times, ” this can’t be ppd” cause my baby isn’t the issue. I love her, she is perfect, but I still feel overwhelmed and have the rage. Sometimes I think, “maybe I’m just married to an asshole”, but I swear I used to like him! I’ve asked for help and he just tells me im being dramatic, I think I’m calling my dr tomorrow and getting a second opinion

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    Jan, definitely call your doc. Definitely. Sounds like PPD to me. Your rage/anger/sadness doesn’t have to be directed at the baby. Mine was often directed at my older child. Just talk to your doc – OB and/or PCP – both helped me…

Heidi 3 years ago

Thanks for sharing this. It took me a full 18 months to realize that I needed help. The rage is what shocked me too. I thought I was the only one who was telling my baby to “shut the fuck up” and thought I was the worst mom in the world. Thank goodness for a supportive husband and a medical practitioner who convinced me I wasn’t crazy.

Cindy 3 years ago

OMG have I been there! I adopted two little boys at the same time and became an instant mother and did not even realize I had PPD! It was the worst time of my life and these two wonderful children came along just a short time after my father had passed also. Rage? oh yes, been there. After recognizing that it was getting worse, I reached out to complete strangers on this wonderful website who gave great recommendations and helped me to help myself. Do not try and fix it on your own, do not think it will get better on its own, ifyou need help, reach out. There is always help.

Amanda 3 years ago

I HATE my PPD…after my son, who HAS made it to two years of age, I had the WORST case of PPD. It almost transcended into post pardum psychosis. I have’t saught help, and worked through it, yes the rage is still there, but then again it was there in the first place.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    Amanda, it would probably be good to talk to a doctor about how you are feeling and your symptoms. You don’t have to endure this on your own.

Angela B 3 years ago

Thank you for posting this. I went through this and am still recovering from PPD. I was a single parent – no father and no real family support. I didn’t think we would make it through and sometimes it’s still really hard. We = my daughter and I. Now almost 3 years old.

Rebekah 3 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story. I “knew” I was struggling with PPD but was too ashamed to admit it or get help. This story reminded me of those scary times when I lashed out and screamed at my poor baby. I just attributed it to lack of sleep and became somewhat of an alcoholic. I wish I would have gotten help then, maybe I would remember more of her being a baby. Now she is 2 and we are very happy, but I will never forgive myself for “numbing” myself to the point of not remembering very much at all. Even my husband suggested I get help, but I was just too stubborn. I hope this helps more women to know that many of us struggle and it is okay to admit it.

Windy 3 years ago

Thank you so much for sharing this. I was fortunate enough not to suffer from PPD with my first child. My husband and I are considering a second and I am so glad to have read this. Nowhere have I ever heard that rage is something I should be looking for in relation to PPD. And my OB’s office even does a PPD “check” as part of routine followup (which sounds like even that is way more than a lot of them), they have you complete a questionnaire, etc. and ask you some questions. I can remember being asked about saddness (your hormones are going crazy, so how much is too much?), anxiety (first time mom, of course I wonder if I’m screwing up…), lethargy/tiredness (um, have they HAD a newborn?) and the like. Even those questions seemed silly because even a woman without PPD is going to be experiencing them, right? How do you know if yours crosses the “oh, there’s a real problem here” line? But nowhere in any of it was there anything about rage and anger.

I can only imagine the hell so many of you have been going through at this. I’ve lost my temper with my toddler and felt ashamed and like I’m a bad mom and a horrible person. I just can’t fathom what all of you must go through. My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this and educate and connect moms everywhere. I am DEFINITELY going to share it with every mom and would-be mom I know!

Tara 3 years ago

I have two children and am pregnant with my third. Each time my PPD has gotten worse. I’m in therapy ( prob for the rest of my life), because I think that it never really goes away, we just learn to manage it. This might sound silly, but do you know what helps me enormously with the rage? Tae Bo. The punching and kicking helps me let it out in a safe way and I get a workout to boot! It’s easy to pop on a video( they even make short ten minute increments ones) and to duke it out with the air in the living room.

MotherLode 3 years ago

Holy crap. Something just clicked. Is THAT what I’ve been going through? Is THAT why? I thought PPD was just the Depression – the sad, apathetic, tired feelings, which I didn’t experience. But rage? Yup. Anger? Yup. Slamming doors while yelling at my six year old and holding my newborn? Yup. That newborn is two years old now. That’s two years of crazy emotional roller coasters that I could have fixed. I had no idea!!! Thank you, ten thousand times, THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS. I will never go through that again – at least, not without seeking help.

debbie 3 years ago

Sweet been there done that. It gets better but now I get it in the form of PMS and I HATE it. I never suffered depression or PMS before children. I hate the person it makes me and made me. I hate it but I know I get it and it’s learning to deal with that’s the trick and I’m getting better..it will not beat me..nor will it make me feel like a bad person or bad mother..I am neither of those because Im fixing it and doing the best I can xx Deb

Stacey R 3 years ago

How refreshing to not be alone! I’ve cut myself down so many time about how I can’t control my anger…meds are helpful for sure but trying to stop myself in the middle of a rage is really REALLY hard. Hubby doesn’t get it, kids think I’m evil, soooooo hard. Just knowing that others have the same problem gives me hope.

Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments 3 years ago

You are helping so many with this piece. Feeling like an island is what stops people from getting help. Brave moms like you are what start the healing process. Knowing it’s going to get better if you just make that first call. So proud to be your friend.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    You just made me cry. Thanks for your support. xoxo

Jaimie 3 years ago

Thank you so much for posting this. I’ve been dealing with exactly what you describe since I had my son just over a year ago, and it’s really encouraging to hear it gets better. I, too, am on Zoloft and in therapy, and I’m just starting to feel good again.
Thank you again!

Heather M 3 years ago

Thank you for this post. My son just turned 3 months and i just got the help i needed. I thought i could handle it and that it would go away. i cried almost every day for 2 1/2 months. i lashed out at my husband and family members. it didn’t and i was stubborn. My husband knew something was wrong but was hesitant to say anything. I talked to two of my girlfriends and they gave me the courage to go and get help. so now i’m on zoloft, 2 weeks now, and i feel a million times better. neither my ob or the dr.’s at the hospital gave me very much information pre-birth on ppd. let’s get the word out there. if you have it you’re not broken, you’re not a bad mother or a bad wife, you don’t love your child any less you just need some help to get back to yourself.
since getting help i’ve talked to more friends and they’ve needed help too. please, let’s get the words out there that this is a treatable disease because, as thebloggess.com says, depression lies.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    YES. Depression lies. I have quoted The Bloggess many times. :-)

Jenny 3 years ago

Bravo for writing about this truthfully. It’s not easy to put yourself out there like that, but it’s so important for other moms to hear it and feel like help will be there if they go looking!

ScaredMommy 3 years ago

Four weeks ago, I told my husband that I wasn’t in love with him anymore because I thought I would be better off alone. Last night, helping my 6 yr old with a school project, I slammed my hands down on the table and screamed in his face. I cried myself to sleep last night wishing that I could take it all back. Today, I cried as I read this post, finally realizing that I am not myself and I need help. Thank you for saving my family.

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

    You are not alone. I am touched that my post helped you. It will get better! Call your doctor. Hugs to you. :-)

Ena 3 years ago

I’m a supermom. So my friends tell me. I have 4 kids and I’m skinny and looking good. But they don’t know the HORRIBLE TRUTH. Nobody, except my hubbs, does. It’s awful!!!! And I’m crying my eyes out right now – and I usually never cry!
I thought I had borderline!! Everybody thinks that I know everything about motherhood – but I had no idea about rage being a PPS!!!
I wish I had known that 8 years ago when this horror started with my 1st kid!!
I keep telling my husband that sth terrible will happen … I’ll make him read this … I already texted him.
I have 4 such exceptionally beautiful children … and I’m so terrible …
I’m a stay-at-home-mom and I’m aware that doesn’t help but I just can’t decide and give the youngest 3 to daycare …
Please, somebody help me … I’m from Europe – is the med over here called Zoloft, too? Or is there any other med??
How long does it take to see an improvement??
Is it possoble to get through this without meds and without therapy??
Omg, omg … I just don’t know how I’m gonna survive this … and my kids, too … but I do LOVE them, I do, I do!!! The worst time is in the middle of the night … they look like angels … and I feel like a monster …

Thanks, guys *

    Heather M 3 years ago

    talk to your doctor as soon as you can. medication and therapy will help. i’m not sure how it works in europe but here in the us you don’t have to get therapy in order to get the medication. i wish you the best and remember depression lies.


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