Julie Ross
Latest posts by Julie Ross (see all)
- Raising a Transgendered Child - April 19, 2012
Eight months ago, my nine year old son tearfully shared with me that “his whole life, he had wanted to be a girl”. Pressed by the therapist (who, thank G-d, was in the room with us) to clarify whether he wants to be a girl or is a girl, George immediately replied that he is a girl. And so began a crazy-ass adventure that I never, in a million years, expected to find my child or, frankly, myself, on.
To be clear, my husband Rich and I always knew that George (who is now Jessie) was different from not only our older son, but from other kids – male and female alike. With sparkling eyes and a wildly observant and funny personality, he was known by everyone everywhere we went. Never one to shy away from a conversation or situation (particularly if it involved dolls, dresses, wigs or mermaid tails) he captured the attention of anyone he came into contact with. When behaviors that concerned us in preschool and kindergarten – including, but by no means limited to his self portraits (a frequent drawing assignment) consistently depicting a girl in a dress with long, flowing hair – continued with even greater vigor in first-, second- and third-grades we concluded that he was probably going to grow up to be gay, yet didn’t quite buy it ourselves. He was a boy who greatly appreciated a beautiful girl and what she was wearing. He never met a doll, wig, dress or mermaid tail that he didn’t feel a total compulsion to own – no matter how strongly he had to fight for it. And despite the fact that he was not even slightly effeminate, there were several occasions that he harassed and harangued me for hours on end requesting everything from hair extensions to wigs to dolls. It never added up. And then he asked for (and by “asked for” I mean “demanded”) a pierced ear.
Our initial reaction to the earring request was that “little boys don’t wear earrings”, but he was having none of it. As he obsessively pursued this request it became increasingly clear that it was not a desire, but a need. Since growing out his traditional little boy haircut was going to take some serious time (we had agreed to allow him to grow his hair – anything to stop hearing about hair extensions or wigs) a single pierced ear seemed an easy enough allowance in hopes of placating him. Of significant note was, just prior (and I mean as the alcohol was being rubbed across his lobe)to the piercing, he implored the piercer to be sure to do it in the ear that doesn’t mean “gay”…clearly he was building up the courage to tell us something, we just didn’t know it yet.
It was not long after the newly pierced ear that our confusion was put to rest and we were told of George’s truth. It took me about a minute and a half to absorb what he was saying and to give myself a virtual whack upside the head. It all started to make sense now, except for the part when I told myself that this happens to other families – not mine. Wrong.
We continued along with our “if-it-was-ever-normal-it-isn’t-now” lives for a few weeks, noticing a huge change in our child’s mood and temperament. Clearly an enormous weight had been lifted and a skin had been shed. And then there came what we refer to as “the article”. It was a Sunday in December which also happened to be George’s tenth birthday. On the front page of “The Boston Globe” there was an article about identical twin boys, one of whom had identified as transgender and was now living fully as a girl. I, not surprisingly, was raptly reading the story when George came up behind me, noticed the photo and asked who they were. Upon telling him he responded, with his mouth agape, “You mean I’m not the only one?” It was at that moment that Jessie was born, moved in and has since made herself comfortable in my house.
The following day, I dropped George off at school and told him to be cool; we would come up with a plan. He was cool. Until 11 a.m. (not bad considering the school day starts at 8 a.m.) when he simply could not keep the truth to himself and, without fanfare or drama, told one of his teachers about his “secret”. The cat, ladies and gentlemen, was out of the bag. The next day, as it happened, was pajama day and, after a hasty, late night trip to Target, I successfully outfitted my “son” in head-to-toe pink, purple and green polka dotted pajamas in which he ran (not walked) into school with zero hesitation and without so much as a glance over his shoulder for support. Jessie had been waiting her whole life for this day. I almost wonder if that was why she felt the need to share when she did…just to ensure the perfect little girl pajama ensemble for what will likely (hopefully) be her last school sanctioned pajama day ever.
Since those first crazy days, we have had her second ear pierced and have had countless meetings, discussions, questions, plans and concerns hurled in our direction. At times we have laid low: mostly at the beginning when we were nearly immobilized by the mere thought of what it meant to have a transgender child. Other times we have been “out there”: when, for example, we announced on Facebook (with her encouragement) “George becoming Jessie”, complete with a photo of her in her inaugural dress. This was a means of survival for us and done mainly so that we weren’t forced to explain the situation to everyone, everywhere, every time we left the house. But no matter how people learned of Jessie having identified as transgender, the response has been consistent: total acceptance with a healthy and appropriate dose of trepidation: both for us and, frankly, themselves.
Our family has been lucky. We know that we are just getting started, but are grateful that Jessie’s social transition, thus far, has been as seamless as we ever could have hoped for. She has that sparkle in her eye and a new confidence which is the envy of many an adult. We take each day as it comes and have as little an idea as to where this will land as we did eight months ago…but at least now her self-portraits make more sense.
P.S. At this point, it is noteworthy to tell you that it felt strange to refer to my child as George or to call her a “he”. New normal surprises me every day…
{ 103 comments… read them below or add one }
I give you a lot of credit for being so accepting. It takes a lot of courage to listen to the needs of your child when what he or she needs goes against what is considered “normal”.
I wish you and your family well!
-Jennifer
Jennifer Rustgi recently posted..Red! No, Blue! No, Light Blue!
Julie, your strength is incredible, inspiring, and amazing. Thank God Jessie got you as a mom to be so supportive, encouraging, and understanding. *Standing ovation*
Kristin Shaw recently posted..Can I Offer You My Hat?
I wish all parents were as excepting of their wonderful, amazing and UNIQUE kiddos. Thank God Jessie got you family. ;)
Shannon recently posted..One of Those Days
You guys sound like amazing parents. Jessie is so lucky to have you. Thanks for sharing your story!
wow…what an amazing child you have…you must be fantastic parents for her to be so open and honest, and to not have any fear of what the ramifications in school would be with her peers…
I am simply in awe….
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..Late to the #UBP12
This gave me goose bumps!! You are a wonderful mother and so great that Jessie has so much support!! My wish is that more parents could be so understanding and supportive of their children!! I second the standing ovation!!!!
you are an amazing mom. this post brought a tear to my eye.
liza recently posted..True Blue Spa- 60 second Manicure Hand Scrub
What an amazing story of love, strength, and acceptance. I just want to say that Jessie is very blessed to have you as his mom!
Amazing parents equal amazing kids. I’m sure she’s so happy that you are who you are and allow her to do the same. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Jesse is so lucky to have such amazing parents. This actually made me tear up a bit. =)
Jayme (The Random Blogette) recently posted..Student Of The Month – My Little Man
I got misty, too. Stories of true love are the best.
This touched me. I applaud your complete acceptance. I firmly believe that my child is my child is my child regardless of whether they are gay, straight, or transgendered. A child needs love and acceptance and to be free to be who they were born to be. I love that your family gives Jessie that.
Wow, what a story. I think this is a perfect example of the child and parent being perfectly matched. Although I’m sure it hasn’t been easy, you guys have handled it with dignity and grace, seeming to never having skipped a beat. I wish you the best!
Leigh Ann recently posted..Stop saying no without giving in!
I have wondered what it would feel like to have a child tell me he was gay. I think and hope I would be accepting and loving about it. I am sure that a transgender announcement would not go as well as it went with you. Jessie is a lucky child indeed. To be able to know who I am and what I want is something I am still looking for, and I am 41.
Kate in Ohio recently posted..Random Thoughts for April
Everyone should love their kids for who they are, not what they want them to be. I hope your ferociousness of love and acceptance becomes the shining example of “that’s how it’s done.” I know that none of this can be easy. Jessie sounds like an incredible strong child who will grow into a well-adjusted woman. Good on ya, Mom!
I love this. What an amazing mom, amazing story, and amazing little girl. I am so, so, so grateful Jessie is being raised by such an exceptionally supportive family. I shudder to think of other children like her, who may not be so fortunate. Bless you guys.
Jessie is one lucky kid.
Gina recently posted..Thursday’s Thoughts
That is beautiful. She is so lucky to have you as parents. She will be a great motivation for kids who aren’t accepted, and I bet she will help a lot of people.
Wow, Jessie was totally born into the right Family.
God knows what he’s doing!
m.
Mark recently posted..My Blog Post
Wow. This woman….this whole family is incredible! I try to put myself in their shoes and I can’t. No idea how I’d handle it. But they seem to have made a decision that wasn’t about them…it was about their child, and that’s probably quite hard…especially with Jessie’s relatively young age. I think it’s amazing that they trust Jessie and what her needs are….GREAT story to share today. Thanks!
This made me cry tears of joy. I grew up with a transgender cousin who loved playing barbies with us, who fought against baseball for fashion shows, who was so desperate for long hair that she’d spend days with pinned towels to her head. It was never an issue of “gay” vs straight, it was an issue of her living her truth vs having to forever pretend to be something she wasn’t. This led to pain, pressure, alchohol and drug abuse, and suicide attempts.
Today she is a beautiful woman, she’s undergoing hormone treatments, and she’s first in her class at beauty school. She is happy.
Loving our children for who they are should NEVER be a question, it should be a fact.
You are the definition of a ‘mother’ personified – loving, accepting, supportive, encouraging, honest, open, and communicative. Jessie is so lucky to have you in her life.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..It’s In Our Blood
you are handling this new normal with such grace and understanding. i don’t think anyone knows how they would deal with a situation like this until it’s dropped on their lap. thank goodness jessie has you in her life – this is one VERY lucky child.
Dani recently posted..On Marriage
This is sad.
Very sad.
Jenny recently posted..Deodorant ~ Homemade & Healthy
Sad how? That a child has supportive parents who only want what’s best for her? I think it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.
I agree. its beautiful how supportive these parents are!
No doubt this is a complicated situation for a family to face. But, at such a very young age, to be making such lifechanging decisions, without the benefit of maturity and personal life experience and comprehension and the perspective that gives you on life, I fear there may be a small possibility of doing more harm than good, even with the best intentions. And it may be healthy to question the parents motives.
The article did say there was a therapist involved, os clearly this isn’t the parents acting alone.
Maturity, personal life experience, comprehension and perspective generally mean there is only one way to live your life. Good for Jessie that her family is only motivated by providing a healthy, happy home for their children. What a wonderful family you all have!
Growing out one’s hair, piercing one’s ears, changing one’s name, and wearing non gender-conforming clothes are hardly permanent. Your perspective is sad.
As a child psychologist, there was no way I couldn’t jump in on this conversation. I can’t help but wonder what you are referring to in regard to the parents motives? From what I see and from all of the parents I’ve counseled, their motives are only to see their children happy and healthy. It may be that Jesse continues to identify as a girl or there may come a time when she decides she identifies as a boy again. Gender is very fluid and not nearly as static or clearly defined as we once believed. The parents who choose to allow their children to transition go through a huge emotional process themselves. They have to grieve the life of one child while simultaneously embracing the new child in their life. Believe me, there is not a parent on the planet who would sign up for the task and these parents should be applauded. They have put aside their own feelings in order to allow their child to be happy. I wish all parents could be so selfless. Okay…I’m done now. I could write a book, but I’ll stop.
The Mommy Psychologist recently posted..Kindergarten Tantrum Results in Handcuffs
nicely said! Thanks for defending this lovely parent coping with a difficult (and clearly controversial) issue.
Marian recently posted..Whispering Chocolate and Joke Telescopes
Well said. This type of situation has got to be one of the toughest faced by a parent and to confront it with love and selflessness is an example to all parents. I encourage other parents to look into help from a psychologist when dealing with tough issues.
I agree. Thank you.
It’s too sad gender issues and phobias continue to be an issue.
I applaud and support this beautiful family.
Carry on! We have your back.
Mama Bird recently posted..Bad, Bad Mom of Twins
Excuse me for not blindly applauding these parents decision. I’m entitled to my own opinion on this subject. This is obviously a controversial situation. They arent just describing pierced ears and non gender identifying clothes (she said polka dot pink jammmies and on her blog buys him tankinis). They are changing the childs name, what bathroom he uses and call him a girl. This is a very big deal, dont minimize it. This child is just that, a child. I dont doubt he is loved, thats not the issue, just to what end?
You are absolutely entitled to your opinion. I’m a bit confused by your last statement, though. You said you “don’t doubt that he is loved” and go on to ask “to what end?” Do you think you could clarify what you mean by that? I would hate to misinterpret that statement.
The Mommy Psychologist recently posted..Do Parenting Books Help?
Maybe they are, maybe they arent doing whats right for him. Maybe backing off nurturing this idea will allow nature to take its course. Hes very young and he may down the road end up embracing his birth gender. Then how will he have been changed by these actions?
First off, Jessie is a girl, so you need to stop saying “he” to describe her. Secondly, I’m pretty sure in the future, if Jessie decides to identify as male, it will be as simple as choosing a male name (or returning to “George”), cutting her hair, and wearing male clothes. I don’t see the issue. I’m pretty sure the only change will be positive. Jessie will know that she is loved enough by her parents to be open and honest with who she is as a person. This means that she will be a healthy, fully functioning adult with full autonomy over her thoughts and feelings. What a shocking concept.
The idea that changing genders is “simple” is a little naive. The child is 10. A 10 year old believes they are an astronaut if they put on an outfit, believe they can bring their parents bck from the brink of divorce by being “good”. We then find out differently with maturity. Im just saying because we cant predict the future, maybe a wait and see approach would be prudent. At what point does nurture override nature?
At what point does nurture override nature?
It doesn’t, not in this area.
Some girls are born looking like boys.
See:
A sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality. by Zhou et al Nature,. (1995) 378:68–70.
Our study is the first to show a female brain structure in genetically male transsexuals and supports the hypothesis that gender identity develops as a result of an interaction between the developing brain and sex hormones
I picked the name “Zoe” when I was 10, even though I was a classic Tomboy. For a girl like Jessie, there’s no way she can pretend to be a boy, as I could.
I didn’t want to be a girl. I just was one.
Zoe Brain recently posted..My Life
There is nothing sad about acceptance.
Thank the gods that Jessie was born to you. Your support and acceptance makes my heart swell, and your post brought tears to my eyes. I have a transgender sibling, so this subject is near and dear to my heart. When you wrote about Jessie shedding her skin, of the sparkle in her eyes and the way she flung herself into school and the destiny of who she was meant to be, I cried. I want my daughter to grow up in a world where it is OK to be who you are – no exceptions. Love to you and your beautiful family.
Mommy Boots recently posted..Starring Role: Mommy.
Thank you…. for sharing your story. It is beautiful.
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THANK YOU for being such a supportive mother and helping your child through what must have been an intense roller coaster ride. I will pray that she and you all will continue with great acceptance and joy. Thank heaven for mamas like you!
Such a beautiful story of how far acceptance and encouragement for our children to be whoever they wan (need) to be can go.
Devan McGuinness recently posted..25 Things You Never Knew You Always Wanted to Know About Me
What a beautiful and brave post.
OK very odd, but my wife’s website pre-populated on the last post.
I just wanted to say that your story truly touched me. To have such acceptance in a world filled with too much judgement is wonderful. Your child is so lucky to have the family you do to accept her and love her regardless. Not all are that lucky! I hope for nothing but the best for all of you!
@Andrea I’m glad you said that. I mean to say the same. Very touching that the parents can be so supportive.
Amazing. I’ve always been a believer that God selects our children and their souls just for us. How true it is in your case – Jessie was born to the perfect parents and I applaud you and your husband for handling what must be at times a challenging situation with such grace. I wish all kids had such understanding and wonderful parents, and I hope Jessie’s road continues to be smooth and she finds open-mindedness everywhere. God bless :)
Your grace and determination to maintain your love for Jessie and accept and acknowledge her independence through this journey is remarkable and admirable, and in all honesty, the epitome of “mother.” This was beautifully written and I wish you the best.
Arnebya recently posted..Before You Call the People, My Baby Does Eat
I’m all sorts of teary reading this.
Because of the love and openness you showed/ are showing your daughter.
And because of the love and support others are showing her, too.
(This world is good, yes?)
Galit Breen recently posted..Raising Kick Ass Girls
This could not have come at a more perfect moment. My son, who I felt is different, told me he wished he was a girl when he was in my belly. I asked him why (knowing the answer) and he said because he would be a girl now…and he likes pink and purple. He’s five and felt so relieved. I told him, Sounds good to me!
I have tears in my eyes. If ONLY every kid like Jessie had parents and a community as accepting as you!
Many blessings!
Victoria KP recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Cold Turkey
I applaud you.
That’s all.
Jessie seems like one amazing kid…..
Anne Kimball recently posted..Not Such a Scary Mommy: Jill Smokler
The new normal sounds amazing…because, at the end of the day, we all just want our kids to be happy, right? Sounds like you have an incredible family. As a therapist, I often see the not-so-accepting side. This post brought tears to my eyes. Amazing parenting. Truly.
Practical Parenting recently posted..The Gift of Self-Esteem
You are not just a parent, you’re a blessing to your child.
Jackie Hennessey recently posted..Mums the Word
Kudos to you!! I think that all children should be allowed to “BE who they are” I have a little boy who just turned 7, he is ADHD and could very possibly be on the spectrum, he does have some sensory issues. He loves to play dress up and when he was 3 he wanted to put on a disney princess dress with the little high heel shoes and I was like go for it, who am I to tell him it is wrong, some parents might balk but let them. He loves to play with dolls and he pretends to be a mermaid complete with guns lol, he sometimes wears his shirt around his waist and says it is his dress. Me, well I just sit back and smile, he is so full of love, wonder, imagination! He loves to do both “girl” and “boy” things, why is it that we have to have gender toys why can little boys not play with kitchens or dolls or the like?? Anyhow you can not “make” your child gay or transgender or whatever, they are simply born that way. So whatever he grows to be is fine with me I will LOVE him unconditionally and support him all the way. I want him to grow up and be healthy, Kind, loving (including love himself) confident and HAPPY. Our kids can not truly be happy if they are told who they need to be etc…..WE are their parents ad our job is to LOVE them no matter what and support them. They are the ones who have to decide who they are and what they want in life, nobody else.
I have this kid too. His name is Charlie, for now. He’s 9. We don’t know yet who he’ll be when he’s (she’s?) grown. He doesn’t know yet, either… and when he does, he’ll let us know, because there’s no shame in truth. The only shame would be ours, if we failed him in his hour of need–and we’re *not* going to fail him. We’re so, so proud and grateful he’s ours.
Chin up. You’re not alone, and neither is Jessie. It’s a big beautiful world out here, most days.
I think this is great, for so many reasons. Great that Jessie found herself at such a young age (because we do, indeed, have the capacity to know ourselves at the age of 10–most GLBT individuals realized early on they were “different”). Great that her parents have embraced, supported, and encouraged her. I hope the community is also similarly supportive, but as long as the family is behind her, she will be ok.
I have a couple of questions. The main one is, as Jessie gets older, her body will begin to change, following a biologically male process. I have heard that many transgendered children take hormone supplements and such to suppress these processes and to encourage the processes of the gender they identify with. Will you be doing this? What about the legal aspects of Jessie’s life, such as what will appear on her driver’s license, passport, etc., eventually? I wonder how easy it will be for her to truly “be” a girl, because society and its infrastructures are so rigid in gender definition. But above all, you’ll get through it. Together.
Jessica Hollis-Brown recently posted..Here We Are!
Great back story!! Jessie is right on track and will live her live on her terms…with a great,loving family behind her. Some of us had Jessie’s interests at her age,and suppressed them for years to “satisfy the norm” of other’s expectations..when really,normal is a setting on a washing machine,not a life expectancy!
What an amazing mother you are, and an amazing child Jessie is. You’re both incredibly blessed to have each other.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I Wonder . . .
This is fantastic. Thank you.
Julie recently posted..2.5
If only every parent were as accepting and unconditionally loving and supportive as you. I think the world would be a much better place for all our children. Jessie is a lucky, lucky girl!
Absolutely amazing story – I cried at PJ Day:
“Jessie had been waiting her whole life for this day. I almost wonder if that was why she felt the need to share when she did…just to ensure the perfect little girl pajama ensemble…”
Still crying. Thanks for sharing. Absolutely amazing story – best wishes for all.
Angela recently posted..Drive Thru Mama
You are an amazing mother. My own mother who has two gay brothers is understanding but still not totally excepting of it. I am glad I live in this century. My son actually has what could very possibly be a transgender boy in his class. He is so sweet. It breaks my heart to see what the other parents whisper behind his and his mother’s back. I have always very much understood that its not a choice, its in their genetic makeup from the moment they are conceived. They are equally entitled to be loved and excepted. I am proud to see how well you have embraced it and happy those around have also. Such an inspiration to others. I am so happy for Jessie.
Nicole {at} Modern Style Mama recently posted..3 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming A Mom #vlogmom
Amazing story. I’m sure there are still many issues to deal with but well done on an being a fantastic mum.
Janine Fitzpatrick recently posted..The Story of Shambles Manor (an exercise in owner-building)
The true joy of motherhood is watching the surprise of who our child is unfold day by day. Those days when you feel you have peeled back another layer and gotten closer to the truth of who your child is meant to be are amazing. We live for those days. The days we watch them on their first day of school. The days we watch them excel at sports, or friendship, or singing, or showing kindness to strangers. The days we watch them fall and get back up. The days we help them discover who God intended them to be, and we realize maybe just maybe we did something right. Thank you for your story. May God continue to bless your child and your family!
DesperatelyErin recently posted..Meanness
One of my best friends is transgender and I know just how hard that transition and coming out can be when done as an adult. It is so wonderful that not only Jessie was able to fulfill her dream now as a young girl and have a whole childhood of wonderful memories as the person she has always known she is but that she has been met with so much acceptance and love. It is truly very very rare and something to be extremely grateful for.
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Jessie is so lucky to have you as her parents! I’m sure she feels a huge relief to be able to be who she really should have been all along. And how great that she lives during a time when this is not so strange as it could have been.
I wish all of you luck as you wade into this new life.
You are one amazing mamma!! I started to cry at Jessie’s comment about the paper, and continued all the way to the end. I know that feeling, and I’m so glad that she’s getting the kind of support I had from my parents. You’ve got one strong little lady there!
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me to : )
Your child is lucky to have parents like you. I wish you all the best on this emotional journey. Thanks for your bravery and for sharing.
Marian recently posted..Whispering Chocolate and Joke Telescopes
This is a beautifull story. Your child is very lucky to have you as a parent.
She sounds like an amazing little girl.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Wordfull Wednesday : kitty thoughts
Can I join the multitude here in praising your wise, accepting, loving parenting of your son-turned-daughter? Thank you for sharing your story. I so deeply wish that every child born “different” could have such an insightful, emotionally connected, embracing and supportive family. The world would be a different, kinder place, would that be so.
I am also so glad that the comments here have been so uniformly positive and supportive (with one, mild exception that was addressed eloquently by other readers). That speaks so highly of the kind of lovely site this is and the supportive/ positive nature of the community Jill has gathered here. (I can easily imagine other sites where such a post would have brought out the trolls.)
I know firsthand how children pop out of us being who they are. I have fraternal twin boys, different as night and day, though they have been raised “the same”.
I know your journey will not be without bumps – it can be a cruel world out there for the different – but having you by her side and supporting her will make all the difference for Jessie. Wishing you and your family the best.
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Not Really Wordless Wednesday: Mugging
Wow. I agree with one of the comments above. It looks like Jessie was born in the right family with such loving, accepting parents.
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..Why being busy is bad.
You are really great parents. My oldest told me years ago that he is bisexual. I completely accept him and love the fact that he was able to be so honest and tell me. My love for my children is unconditional and always will be.
How amazing for your son that he has wonderful parents who he could be honest with. I personally know a few people who have never been able to openly admit to themselves their sexual orientation, much less to their family because they know it would be unacceptable. For this child to come to you as a girl born in a boys body shows trust and faith in your love. So happy for Jessie!
Thanks for a beautiful and enlightening post. What amazing and supportive parents and what an incredible little girl!
I was struck by how great Jessie was/is and how great you all were/are.
I applaud you and your strength.
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Wonderful! Jessie is so lucky to have you two as parents; and I can tell how lucky you know you are to have such a wonderful child!
One of my daughter’s best friends is also (according to his parents) most likely transgender. I am blown away by what amazing parents they are to this little boy and I am equally blown away by you.
Both kids are lucky to have their parents and, really, their parents are just as lucky to have them!
Johanna recently posted..The Dreaded Three Letter Word.
I have a princess of a daughter named Jessie too. My other daughter, Jessie’s identical twin, is Melody. Your daughter is fortunate to have parents who see who she is, and not who they imagined her to be. I can only hope that I can demonstrate my love for my girls throughout their lives the way you have for your kids.
Sadia recently posted..Still alive, just elsewhere
Love is accepting and cherishing the person in front of you, not what you thought they might be or should be. You are a great example of unconditional love.
Mama Bird recently posted..Bad, Bad Mom of Twins
Kudo’s to you for being so open to Jessie’s needs. I’d like to think I’d be the same, but it’s so hard to know, sometimes.
Wonderful story, Jessie is blessed to have you both as parents.
Lisa Ling did a story regarding a little boy that shares Jessie’s story. You should definitley watch it if you havent done so already. Just like the family in Lisa Ling’s Our America, I am humbled by your acceptance of your childs need to be who she is. I truly commend you for your bravery- kids can be so cruel in day to day situations- I think that would terrify me. Jessie seems like such a strong, independant individual…traits most people want. I look forward to following Jessie and hope that life treats her well. Hang in there with the many challenges your future holds- I’m sure you will handle them amazingly. You have done so so far.
Tara @ secretsofamomaholic.com recently posted..Mothering is not all rainbows and butterflies
I find this awesome. 5 years ago my little brother came out, and he had this fear that I would not want him around my children (twins 1 boy and 1 girl) who were nearly 2 at the time. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was being ridiculous that we all loved him and supported him no matter what because that is what family is. Unconditional love. If tomorrow any member of my family told me they were transgender, I would support and love them 110%.
Thank you, Jill, for drawing your readers’ attention to this topic! Recently I had the opportunity to go to a private screening of a movie about transgender people (http://www.transthemovie.com/). It was an eye opener. I highly recommend the movie to anyone wanting to learn more about what being transgender means.
Tears sprang to my eyes when Jessie said, “you mean I’m not the only one?”. Isn’t that when we feel our worst, we feel alone in the world? AND WE NEVER ARE. What a blessing Jessie has to have parents who are open and loving to all that she is and may be, in any form.
what a beautiful child!
I am excited that Jessie has you all as parents! I appreciate that it must have been a bit of shock for your child to say that they were born the wrong gender, but the way you have handled it has been fantastic.
My daughter’s other mother (I am the step-mom) took her to counseling when she was 12 because she caught her looking at gay porn, and she wanted to “fix” her to be a good Christian. I didn’t find out about this until a few years ago, AFTER she had already come out as gay to me and her dad. I feel sad that she had to wait to leave her other home to be who she really was. If only I had known back then, I would have let her know how much I DIDN”T CARE about stuff like this. She’s my kid, I love her no matter what. I can tell that you feel the same about Jessie. Much love and joy to all of you.
I hope that one day your grown up daughter can look back on this unquestionably difficult time for your family and realize how truly fortunate she is to belong to your family. You are wonderful parents!
You are an extraordinary person, fantastic mother, and I thank you for sharing your family and life. Prayers for health, happiness & peace to you, Jessie and your family. A truly remarkable role model for all parents, your love and concern for your child being top priority. Thank G-d Jessie has you for a mother. Peace
As the proud single mother of a transgender FTM (female to male) 19 year old, I concur with Julie and can appreciate everything that she is going thru. At the age of 13 my son began to live his life honestly and in the gender he identifies with. My son knew that he was the wrong gender since he was very young and looking back I remember saying for years “she’s a tomboy” but in actuality he had begun his transition years before I was aware of it. Once my son had the strength to tell me what he had known for years and had painfully hid from everyone for so long there was never a question of how I would support him. I am extremely fortunate that my son is articulate and an emotionally strong individual. Together my son and I navigated the daily challenges that were presented. We researched together (and separately) numerous support groups, therapists, endochronologists and surgeons all in the pursuit of providing him with a happy healthy life. My only condition to my support was that he make smart educated decisions. I witnessed my child bind himself to hide his breasts so tightly that the bands caused cuts in his flesh and I held my child as he cried from the internal and external conflict of his life. I have stood beside him, supported him, fought for him and held his hand and heart when necessary as he took each step in his physical and emotional transition.
The statistics of today’s transgender youths turning to drugs, self mutilation and even suicide is staggering and I was not going to have my child become a statistic.
I have read enough and attended enough support groups to see grown adults in their 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s who have lived a lie their entire lives out of fear of rejection from friends, family, children, spouses, employers, etc. These adults could not live their truth and the pain that they endured, the stories of the sacrifices they have made is unbearable and unbelievable.
As for my family, friends, neighbors and business associates of course there were questions, concerns and lots of reflection but I would say that 99% of them got it and got onboard this incredible journey. We have been open and willing to answer any questions and included everyone that wanted to be apart of this process and believe me it is a process. It is amazing the depth of peoples compassion and understanding when they do not feel that something is being forced upon them.
It is truly sad and unfortunate but my x-husband is the only one who could not, would not, still does not support my (our) sons transition. Strange how things work out, my marriage ended way before my son introduced any of us to the world of being transgender, but I know with complete certainty that I would not have done anything differently for my child.
We are extremely blessed to live in a public school district that has the most outstanding guidance counselor (KG) and principal (MH). The entire student body, faculty and local community should be commended for it’s role in my sons transition. They truly are a huge part of his success and we are so grateful for the part that each of them has played in his transition. We know that this story could have played out differently and tragically given how cruel kids can be – I wish that every school would model after how his school handled his transition and that every child should have such support.
It is my belief that no one has a right to judge or discriminate against anyone for any reason. I raised all three of my children to among other things: stand tall, hold their heads high and always look people in the eyes and those lessons go for everyone regardless of genders!
Do I ever miss and wonder what might have become of my adorable, china skin, curly haired little girl before she grew up into what I thought was a tomboy? Do I ever grieve for the other daughter that I once had? Yes, when I stop and allow myself to go there, but I don’t go there often or for to long because the reality is that my youngest child is an incredibly bright young man who is so talented. He has goals for his future way beyond what I had at his age, he is passionate about writing, music, his photography and he just started his freshman year in college majoring in psychology and gender studies. He is writing a book about his transition, he started a Gender Alliance organization and he continues to blow me away over and over again.”
**************************
Update: My son is now finishing his first year of college, he has been on testosterone injections since December 2009, he had a complete mastectomy in March 2010 and became one of the first two transmen to play on a NCAA volleyball team …..I couldn’t be more proud of each and every one of these accomplishments.
And yes, MY SON continues to blow me away everyday by who he is, what he stands for, the company he keeps and the future he envisions for himself. Isn’t that what we all want from and for our children?
-Lori Shea
I just wanted to say that my mother (lori Shea) posted above and i come from a family (except my dad) who are filled with love and acceptance of my transition. if anyone with transgender children needs someone to talk to or maybe to help understand why children can understand who they are so soon in life my email is ayejaykap@aol.com and I am always willing to help anyone who needs it. as transgender people we know that the world is a scary place and that are parents are trying to protect us, but all we need from you is love and support, thats the only way we can find our own paths!
Thank you!
-Aiden
I keep coming back to this post and reading everyone’s replies. It makes me so happy to see the support out there for Jessie, and kids like Jessie. Time clearly are ‘a changin’
Angela recently posted..Stab me in the heart with a rusty spoon…
Nice giong mom. You are amazing!!
Kasey recently posted..now thats critical thinking!
This is a testament to true unconditional love. Totally awesome!
Just Jennifer recently posted..TGIF: The Little Things Edition
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are amazing.
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I love your story. I love the depths to which you listened to your child. Courage. Love. Acceptance. Jessie is lucky to have you as her parent!
Kimberly recently posted..When I Look in the Mirror, I see…
I have no problems with transgender individuals. Until they have received a sex change is when you can truly acknowledge them as either being a girl or boy. I think. Feeling like a girl and loving pink things is understandable but how does science come up with this? Is it a lack of hormones!!!! Possibly so. I think this situation is hard very hard and I guess this comes from individuals saying I have been gay since I was 6????? I have been told this before but didn’t believe it. All types of things happen in this world and nothing surprises me. Wish everyone the best : )