The Top 10 Gross Realities About Newborns


Babies are so sweet and precious and we just want to eat them up! (Sometimes.) They’re also straight out of horror movies, if we’re being honest.

Disagree? No offense, but how?

Newborn baby

1. Soft spots. It’s no secret that it takes a while for a baby’s skull to fuse together, leaving a soft spot on top of the head in the meantime. What does make it horrifying is that you can actually see and FEEL the baby’s heartbeat pulsating via this soft spot. It’s like you have your own tiny little alien on your hands!

Cradle cap baby 2. Cradle cap. So the cone head and soft spot wasn’t bad enough, now you’ve got to figure out how to gently scrape the scales off of your baby’s head without inflicting brain damage. Grosser still? How satisfying you’ll find it. baby sleeping eyes open

3. Sleeping with their eyes open. These creepy little freaks can be out cold, in full REM sleep, and still be staring at you with empty doll-like eyes. Sweet dreams, Mommy Krueger!

baby fingernails

4. Razor blade fingernails that grow at the speed of light. Whatever it is that makes babies fingernails grow so fast, if you could bottle it, you’d put nail salons out of business all over the world. Scarier than how fast they grow, and how sharp they are? Trying to cut the damn things.

baby tush

5. Swollen genitals, baby boners, baby periods and baby boobs that leak. Hormones, schmormones. That shit is just plain WEIRD.

baby umbilical cord

6. The dried-up, still attached, stinky ass umbilical cord. ‘Nuff said.

changing baby diaper

7. The poop. It’s black as tar, then it’s yellow, sometimes it’s green, then it might be brown eventually… And you can’t NOT look, because, well, you HAVE to look. Eeewwwwww.


8. The peeling skin. Again, hello, alien creature baby!


9. Acne. No, you didn’t give birth to a teenager… it’s just a nasty preview of things to come in a decade and a half.

baby vomit

10. Baby vomit. Even grosser than the actual vomit is the fact that new moms are inevitably covered in it… and they don’t even care.

Now go hug your weirdo baby!

Related: Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving Baby’s First Year


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  1. Nicole says

    haha omg My firstborn was vacuumed out, and was all swollen from 3 1/2 hours of just pushing alone. I remember looking over and I thought (I kid you not), “I had an ugly baby!” I was very depressed. Luckily once the swelling went down from her freak cone head, she was adorable.

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  2. says

    FINGERNAILS!!! Got 13 week old twins and I’m scratched to hell as they claw at me when having a tantrum. Try to cut them as often as I can but even that is a nightmare as they scream and flail their arms about whenever I try – even if I try to sneak in when they’re asleep. Convinced I’m going to cut a finger off one of these days xxx

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