The Top 10 Gross Realities About Newborns

Babies are so sweet and precious and we just want to eat them up! (Sometimes.) They’re also straight out of horror movies, if we’re being honest.

Disagree? No offense, but how?

Newborn baby

1. Soft spots. It’s no secret that it takes a while for a baby’s skull to fuse together, leaving a soft spot on top of the head in the meantime. What does make it horrifying is that you can actually see and FEEL the baby’s heartbeat pulsating via this soft spot. It’s like you have your own tiny little alien on your hands!

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Cradle cap baby 2. Cradle cap. So the cone head and soft spot wasn’t bad enough, now you’ve got to figure out how to gently scrape the scales off of your baby’s head without inflicting brain damage. Grosser still? How satisfying you’ll find it. baby sleeping eyes open

3. Sleeping with their eyes open. These creepy little freaks can be out cold, in full REM sleep, and still be staring at you with empty doll-like eyes. Sweet dreams, Mommy Krueger!

baby fingernails

4. Razor blade fingernails that grow at the speed of light. Whatever it is that makes babies fingernails grow so fast, if you could bottle it, you’d put nail salons out of business all over the world. Scarier than how fast they grow, and how sharp they are? Trying to cut the damn things.

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baby tush

5. Swollen genitals, baby boners, baby periods and baby boobs that leak. Hormones, schmormones. That shit is just plain WEIRD.

baby umbilical cord

6. The dried-up, still attached, stinky ass umbilical cord. ‘Nuff said.

changing baby diaper

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7. The poop. It’s black as tar, then it’s yellow, sometimes it’s green, then it might be brown eventually… And you can’t NOT look, because, well, you HAVE to look. Eeewwwwww.


8. The peeling skin. Again, hello, alien creature baby!


9. Acne. No, you didn’t give birth to a teenager… it’s just a nasty preview of things to come in a decade and a half.

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baby vomit

10. Baby vomit. Even grosser than the actual vomit is the fact that new moms are inevitably covered in it… and they don’t even care.

Now go hug your weirdo baby!

Related: Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving Baby’s First Year

About the writer


What started as an innocent on-line baby book to chronicle Jill Smokler’s stay-at-home days with her children, quickly transformed into a vibrant community of parents, brought together by a common theme: Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect. Welcome to Scary Mommy!


angel gillis 2 years ago

Might be weird but no more weird then growing a little human being. I think it’s absolutely beautiful!! I LOVE little babies and all their little issues

Ted McAfee 2 years ago

It’s the other end you have to worry about

Amanda Hadder 2 years ago

their poop is so smelly & gross

Missy Pivik 2 years ago

Oh my. Hysterical but true

Alana Koderick 2 years ago


Janice Napp Mundy 2 years ago

Hysterical! I am a postpartum doula currently working with triplet boys who are 5 weeks old…X everything you said by THREE and add that they pee on me too! LOLOL!

Mel Bruzzano 2 years ago

I just literally LOL’d

Jeanne-Marie Peterson 2 years ago

The fingernails, oh my goodness yes!

Sarah Good 2 years ago

Got use to it all. I learned quickly not to breathe through my nose changing poopy diapers. They forgot to mention really the only thing that still slightly grosses me out… the boogies that could double as crazy glue and sometimes come out gigantic. >_<

Alison 2 years ago

Um, yes, I’ve had to deal with all of these things, and will have to again in 2 months! Ack.

Marlez Negrón 2 years ago

I don’t even think that’s gross and like less than half of that actually happend

Nuru 2 years ago

I will say I was pretty lucky I never really noticed the soft spot, very little cradle cap, I never noticed he slept with his eyes open but loved the milk drunk dopey eyes, found the scissor style cuticle trimmer is the best for those nails, hey everybody poops, his skin was very clear (wish I could say the same), and I was surprised there wasn’t more spit up/barf. However, no one told me about the skin peeling and at 1year old I am still cleaning black crusty yuck out of his belly button!!!! I thought there was something wrong because he was molting.

Natasha 2 years ago

Don’t forget the poop that defies gravity and travels up the back

Darq Heart 2 years ago

The faaaaaarts! Omg! It’s like living with a pocket sized teenaged boy! I can hear my little girl bust ass from 2 rooms away!

Emily Victoria Brandon 2 years ago

So cute and sweet, despite the nastiness.

Natalie McKeown 2 years ago

Lol it’s so true

Ant Marshall 2 years ago

Not to mention they are covered in blood

Kathryn Mink Gutierrez 2 years ago

Oh boy…#2 has my name written all over it. Every time I was nursing both of my boys I would pick at the cradle cap…I just couldn’t resist!!

Lindsey 2 years ago

#2 was the biggest one for me. I couldn’t stand to see it. Removing it became an obsession (very satisfying indeed!) and the easiest way I came up with was using a comb in the opposite direction of the hair. It worked great.

Margarita Marquez 2 years ago

I must be the alien here because I didn’t find any of that gross. I just worried. About. Everything.

Sherry Brown 2 years ago

I agree

Sheri Rose 2 years ago

Oh goodness, this is terrifying

Jamie 2 years ago

Yeah…I knew about swollen genitals and boobs cause my first two were girls…no one told me about the baby boners when I had my son…freaked me out…My second two slept with their eyes open and then the eyes would roll around while they dreamed, the first one it scared me, the boy it scared everyone else

Jenny 2 years ago

Ha!! I could have picked that cradle cap crap off for HOURS. It kept me entertained while I nursed. I can’t believe I just admitted that.

Margie Mazza Nicholas 2 years ago

nothing like projectile vomiting..all over you when feeding..

Shannon Hendrick 2 years ago

I can give ten more

Alison Coughlin 2 years ago

Yea. I agree with the vomit part. Super fun. And funny to them apparently.

Yaireth Madrigal 2 years ago

Lol that is too funny!! It’s all true!! Can’t wait till baby is here tho!! Only 13 weeks to go!

Megan Cook 2 years ago

Lmao!!! Love this ♡♡ and u love anyway!!

Michelle Markey 2 years ago

None of these things are anything compared to kids when they’re older. Newborn parenting is far easier than preschooler parenting or teenager parenting.

Alex Patriquin 2 years ago

Omg I wish I didn’t read that lol! Gross!

Kim Sheffer Moore 2 years ago

Staci You’re very welcome. Just trying to help you prepare. Baby gross-ness waits for no one! 😉

Elizabeth Schollaart 2 years ago

I have family members who wouldn’t hold our baby because he was guaranteed to spit up. Something only a parent can tolerate. And even then, just barely :)

Maggie Draper 2 years ago

Even though this is all true, now I want another baby 😉

Heather Molitor 2 years ago

My Daughters was so bad! Didn’t fall off for a month and by the end it was awful, gag worthy and it was hard to hold her because it was soooo awful!!

Julie DeFrancesco Fletcher 2 years ago

But then you get a smile and a coo, and who the hell cares about the other stuff!! Price of doing business!!

Joanna Deacon 2 years ago

Haha. There may be many reasons to warn people off having kids, but none of these would figure on my list. Babies are cool. As long as they sleep well. Period.

Emily Bowyer 2 years ago

Non of this grosses me out lol

Crystal Zarate Boyden 2 years ago

Eh…truth is none of that stuff bothered me lol although my 2 year old waking up with morning wood is awkward lol dreaming of cupcakes :-)

Michelle Sellers 2 years ago


Reilly O’Donnell Figenscher 2 years ago

I call bs. Your baby didn’t poop? Your baby didn’t have fingernails? Your baby didn’t have an umbilical cord? Your baby didn’t have a soft spot?

Stefanie Buxel-Florenzen 2 years ago

It’s weird that I can’t wait for all of these gross things to happen again :)

Lareina Harris Clark 2 years ago

Well half of those things were done with or gone by the time
e I got to care for my baby. She spent 3 weeks in the NICU

Why, Mommy? 2 years ago

On Mother’s Day (my first), I was changing my 3-week-old’s diaper… and without thinking, put my hand directly under her bum to straighten the diaper.. and she pooped right in my palm. Hey, my first handmade (buttmade?) gift!

Monique Wilson 2 years ago

Projectile sharting from neck to upper legs….. It was the breast milk…. Its a little too easy to digest….

Brenden Chiaramonte 2 years ago

Quite funny my love. Very real!!

Christen Burwick 2 years ago

My daughter had little knot like things on her boobs around 1 month. When I asked her Dr about it she said it was the hormones, “and hey watch! If you squeeze gently, milk!” It was the funniest thing to me. I’d forgotten until this post! Lol.

    Kylie 2 years ago

    My daughter had them her first week home. We still call her nipples her “baby boobies” to this day. Lol

Stephanie Villanueva 2 years ago

Lol accurate

Diane Dunn Cordle 2 years ago

Projectile vomiting…everywhere…everyday…yuck!

Sara King 2 years ago

I have never heard of a baby period!! What the heck?!

Aubrey Wright 2 years ago

Same here lol! I have 2 kids, neither one was stinky…

Candice Cox 2 years ago

I would do over and over again. There is nothing gross about a beautiful precious baby.

    Kylie 2 years ago

    Agree. I thought all this stuff was a little bit fascinating. With the exception of: cradle cap never happened with dd, I worried about the baby period even though I knew it was nothing to worry about. And honestly her cord did scare me. But it fell off at about 5-6 days old so I didn’t have to worry about it too long. Looking forward to another newborn stage someday.

Lisa Belmonte 2 years ago

Add thrush to the list, as well as the puking, peeing, and pooping all at the same time. My poor carpets. Are these things puppies?

Kate Spring 2 years ago

I’m 33 and I have a soft spot on the back of my head about the size of a Fifty cent piece. I had a brain tumor removed when I was 8yrs old and they never put a plate or anything in place of the missing piece of skull. And, yes, you can see and feel my heart beat when my hair is short enough.

Christina Stepnitz Crise 2 years ago

The grossest thing my 3 month old did as a newborn was get his foot in a poopy diaper and then procede to kick said foot vigorously. He flung poo everywhere, on the wall, on his onesie, in my hair… Then there was the time when he projectile sharted the black tar poop mid change. Of course as a new mom I hadn’t learned to get the new diaper in position right away…

Elizabeth Paige 2 years ago

And the fact that the tar poop is so thick & sticky it takes like ten wipes to clean one teeny tiny butt!

Tiffany Olson 2 years ago

So. Much. Projectile. Vomit.

Marrianne Gallant-Leggatt 2 years ago

FINGERNAILS!!! Got 13 week old twins and I’m scratched to hell as they claw at me when having a tantrum. Try to cut them as often as I can but even that is a nightmare as they scream and flail their arms about whenever I try – even if I try to sneak in when they’re asleep. Convinced I’m going to cut a finger off one of these days xxx

    Mary 2 years ago

    It grossed me out, but I learned to bite them off… easier than those tiny clippers, and I wasn’t so scared of cutting fingers.

Beverly Kelly 2 years ago

You know what else is gross about vomit? The tendency for them to do it during play, and right in your mouth…

Elizabeth Paige 2 years ago

“these creepy little freaks” lmao!

Samantha Spaulding 2 years ago

My baby had a baby period, thankfully she was still in the hospital and a nurse was present. I had NO idea!!

Nadine Benny 2 years ago

Most importantly: you don’t remember any of it ’cause you’re so sleep deprived and out of it LOL – except the umbilical cord. I remember that. That was super gross.

Chrissie Ashworth 2 years ago

They’re still so cute though. Yeah as the mums hormones pass through the baby it can produce a bit of blood. Can happen with boys too, did with one of mine.

Jessica Justice Utley 2 years ago

True true but I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

Marissa 2 years ago

It sucks to be an adult and have #2 as an adult!

Nicole 3 years ago

haha omg My firstborn was vacuumed out, and was all swollen from 3 1/2 hours of just pushing alone. I remember looking over and I thought (I kid you not), “I had an ugly baby!” I was very depressed. Luckily once the swelling went down from her freak cone head, she was adorable.


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