10 (Mildly Shallow) Reasons To Breastfeed

Reasons To Breastfeed

I breastfeed my kids. I’m passionate about it. I’m righteous about it. But I’m not entirely honest about it.

I advertise that I do it for the heartfelt and health-related reasons we’ve all heard from other moms and pediatricians a bazillion times. But come on. If there weren’t also some hardcore mama-centric reasons to let my kid nibble on my nips for a year, I’d never be able to endure the insane commitment. These are the reasons that see me through the worst breastfeeding days and get me to hang in there when I want to bail. They’re pretty damn shallow, but whatever. They get the job done. Need some reasons to breastfeed, too?

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1. Milk boobs are awesome. Have you seen milk boobs? The new-mom, my-milk-just-came-in(!!) boobs? They’re glorious. They’re porn star glorious except they’re REAL. They’ll make even the staunchest feminist reconsider her rabid stance on breast augmentation. These fabulous tits were a fabulous surprise after my first child, and a highly anticipated perk (for both my husband and me) after my second.

2. I don’t have to work out. My baby weight lost itself because breastfeeding burns 500-800 calories A DAY. Even my best workout when I was in my twenties and maintaining a hot college body to bring the boys to the yard didn’t burn 800 calories. How crazy would I be to opt out of something that burns a shitload of calories while I sit on my ass, snuggling my baby, in my thirties?

3. I don’t feel remotely guilty about what I eat. I need to replace the calories nursing burns otherwise my milk production decreases dramatically. So heeeelllllloooo, Smashburger. Thank you for contributing to the cause of better infantile nutrition. And yes, I would like a salted-caramel shake with that. It’s all in the name of milk production.

4. I can’t forget my breasts when I leave the house. I’ve forgotten diapers, clothes, blankets, binkies, the stroller, the entire diaper bag after spending 20 minutes packing it, and even the friggen baby, but I’ve never forgotten milk. If you don’t have kids, having one less thing to remember as you herd your family out the door may not seem significant. If you do have kids, you know how significant it is.

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5. I get guaranteed breaks during crappy social functions. It is completely acceptable to excuse yourself from a party to nurse your child in private. Even though I don’t really care about privacy, I sometimes take advantage of this understanding to avoid awkward acquaintances and annoying relatives and go play Angry Birds or check Facebook for awhile.

6. Aunt Flo goes on sabbatical. Thanks to breastfeeding, I made it 50 weeks sans Aunt Flo after my daughter was born. My son just turned one and I’m still waiting for her return. If you count her absence during my pregnancy, I haven’t seen her in nearly 2 years. TWO YEARS. I don’t miss that bitch at all.

7. I can instantly comfort my screaming baby without having to troubleshoot the actual problem. Sometimes I’m too tired or busy to try to figure out what the baby is crying about, so I just nurse him. Nine times out of 10, shoving a boob in his mouth calms him down immediately. Note: This also works with his father.

8. I can have unprotected sex for 6 months. When done correctly, breastfeeding can be a (somewhat?) effective form of birth control up to the baby’s 6-month birthday. You have to do it right, though, or you end up with Irish twins. like my parents did. D’oh!

9. Breast milk poop smells a hell of a lot better than formula poop. I have to change a lot of disgusting poopy diapers, so if anything can make them less disgusting, I’m in. Breast milk poop smells, but it doesn’t stink. Not like formula shit. I found this out firsthand when changing a friend’s formula-fed baby. I thought something died in her diaper. I almost called Animal Control.

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10. When my kids have kids, I can hold it over their heads that when they were babies, I did everything right and know everything. The extreme commitment and effort of breastfeeding lends a lot of credibility to the future backseat parenting of my grandchildren.

Related post: 15 Things They Don’t Tell You About Breastfeeding

About the writer

For Samantha Cappuccino-Williams of RealMomofNJ, parenting is all heart and no BS. This real mom details parenthood in the straightforward style you've come to expect from women from New Jersey. In addition, she frequently contributes mom-related material to Seventh Generation’s 7Gen Blog.


Anonymous 2 months ago

Breast feeding is good and so is formula. I think it being modern times that women should pump and bottle feed their breast milk. If you are going to breast feed from your breast then make it a special at home in private time. So other parents don’t have to explain to older children what you are doing with your boob stuck in your child’s mouth. It is a little tacky seeing a women breast feeding out in public. It’s not a sexual toy for your man when milk is pouring out of your breast… Really. Also most cases I’ve noticed after breast feeding your breasts will be saggy and flat. Always eat healthy if you do breast feed. Such as protein, fruits & grains.

Alex 2 months ago

You have to ebf on demand, day and night, for it to be an effective form of bc. If baby is on a schedule or sleeping in another room it won’t work. 😉 But ofcourse it is not 100% and everyone is different. ♡♡♡ breastfeeding breast!

Stacey 7 months ago

#7! Can’t stand the crying? Here’s the boob! My husband always tells me to just give the baby a boob! And it does work on hubs too lmao!

Tanya Taylor Leavitt 8 months ago

Cheaper than formula

Crystal Davis Rodriguez 8 months ago

Two words – mandatory relaxation! With three boys it’s nice to HAVE TO lounge in bed a couple times a day.

Heather Quinn Ward-Gregory 8 months ago

I can eat almost anything, and yet the baby weight is gone and staying off.

Maryann 9 months ago

I am currently breastfeeding my first, so I don’t have too much experience to back me up. BUT…
Although I very much enjoy and appreciate that I have to sustain my baby. I do not find breastfeeding to be the glorious fix-all that the author makes it out to be.
I got my period back when my daughter was only 10 weeks old.
I lost some weight right after she was born, but I’ve been working out since then and am still 10 lbs. more than my pre-baby weight.
I do not eat whatever strikes my fancy, but rather stick to (mostly) healthy choices since I want my baby to be receiving optimal nutrition.
My doctor was very clear with me that BFing is NOT birth control, and I am therefore taking my pill religiously to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
The supposed porn-star boobs were nice for a bit, until I realized that I needed a new wardrobe to accommodate my new size.
This being said, I do not resent Breastfeeding at all- in fact, I love it. I enjoy being forced to sit down and spend time with my precious one.
I love knowing that no matter how tired and terrible I might feel, I’m always able to put aside my selfish tendencies and take care of my little one.

S 9 months ago

Unfortunately breast feeding doesn’t help with weight loss for all of us. That’s the only one I’ll disagree with.

Laura Lee 1 year ago

Haha!! I love #7!!!

Tammy Johnston 1 year ago

Ok this sounds more like it lol.

Gina Millward 1 year ago

Breast feeding is great but so is formula feeding. All moms who FEED their babies are amazing regardless of how it is done.

Jake N Tiffany Harrell 1 year ago

Lol I love it!

Julie Roedl 1 year ago

This is awesome! I enjoyed some good laughs at how true these all are/were with my babies.

Kirstie Jezequel-Goodwin 1 year ago

Yep but a year after stopping yr tits will look like old socks :-(

Candace Sandifer 1 year ago

Haha yep definitely some awesome benefits

Stephanie Markle 1 year ago

I’m awesome!!

Allison Diehl 1 year ago

As someone who tried to breastfeed, but couldn’t make it work in the long run, I find it mildly amusing when people assume I breastfed (perhaps because my youngest is currently obsessed with that part of my body) and offer approving comments. So there is definitely a gold star factor in there somewhere. How’s that for shallow?

Donna Lancianese 1 year ago

Irish twins! LOL

Miranda Williamson 1 year ago

Forgot to mention the $$$$ you save!

Sara Petrick 1 year ago

4 & 9! And also, I was too lazy to clean bottles if I don’t absolutely have to.

Stefani Haar 1 year ago

Spot on. Except for the birth control part. That’s too scary to play with!!

Jen Morse Durham 1 year ago

I love this article– very funny and true! But, it’s actually World Breastfeeding Week, not National. Just saying.

Sarah Jack 1 year ago

All these reasons are silly….the last one is horrific

Nicole V. Lee 1 year ago

Hmmm…Aunt Flo didn’t take a break for me. :-( Damn Aunt Flo!

Debbie Hurtado 1 year ago

I remember the first time I woke up engorged. My husband was in awe and all he wanted to do was have sex with me then and there. Unfortunately for him I was in so much pain I just wanted to pump or feed my baby asap. Milk boobs are great but not really usable in my opinion. 😉

Debbie Hurstel 1 year ago

I think that breastfeeding is the greatest gift mom can give her baby. However once he’s married he should probably learn how to get his own milk- unless of course you never taught him that!

Ginny Schultz Vandenburg 1 year ago

Oh yeah, I wouldn’t put that one to the test. I didn’t have my period for more than a year with my second and third children, but I still wasn’t taking any chances.

Ronda Roo 1 year ago

Us breastfeeding mommies should get a high five it’s not That we’re any better or worse than anybody else but we should be rewarded for all of our hard work

Ginny Schultz Vandenburg 1 year ago

I agree with most of these, but I have to say that I’ve known plenty of women who thought breastfeeding would make them lose the baby weight and found that it wasn’t the case. Does it help? Yeah. But it’s not a sure thing by any stretch–especially when you’re eating whatever the heck you want all the time.

Molly Hogan-Fowler 1 year ago

My lord that mama in the picture is going to have some sore nipples. I can’t look at that without thinking “re-latch! re-latch!” :)

Jennifer Pfeiffer 1 year ago

Love this all true!

Victoria Bryce 1 year ago

#1.. glorious porn star books and cleavage are awesome…. but also very painful sometimes lol. Everything else, yes absolutely! !! 100 % accurate!

Roxanne 1 year ago

I forgot to add, the weight does not just come off for everyone. Everyone told me it would just come off but I had to work for it. Some people are very lucky and snap back into ore baby shape/weight , but please do not make those if us who need a little extra time and effort feel less than because for some Breastfeeding sucks the weight off and for others it takes time. You still need to be conscious of how you eat and don’t just eat something because you think you need to make up for the calories baby is eating. Make up for that defecit in a healthy way

Jessica Petree 1 year ago

You forgot the best reason. It’s FREE! Yes if you have to buy a pump that can be a significant cost up front, but in the end it’s less than all the formula you would need.

Roxanne 1 year ago

Breast feeding is not birth control. Yes you may not have a period, but you can still become pregnant. Also saying “Breastfeeding, if done right” is a slippery slope when it comes to Breastfeeding. You are basically telling new sleep deprived moms that if they do get pregnant while Breastfeeding that they were or are not Breastfeeding correctly. Most of these are true, but please do not be surprised if you become pregnant because you read somewhere that breastfeeding is a form of birth control.

Dado Lauren 1 year ago

I concur!

Nichole Ferello 1 year ago

My weight loss miracle

Karen Rancourt 1 year ago

So totally true!

Jaimie Keiser Hanson 1 year ago

This is too funny! Very true!

Nicole Lynn 1 year ago

I loved breastfeeding! Very convenient anywhere we were.

Vanessa @ Practicing Mithethood 1 year ago

OMG yes to #5 especially when the in laws are over. Those awkward and boring moments can ruin my sanity. As soon as my son starts crying, I get up with the quickest and say, “Um, it’s time to nurse the baby,” and sprint out the door and hide in the babies room. Heck, I stay in the room an extra 30mins for good measure lol. Great post!

Laura Gatt 1 year ago

I still breast feeding my daughter is 2yrs old and really want her off now, its defo the best thing I done for her and me no bottles no extra money going out on formula that now so expensive and its always there on demand especialy when she was little and I was tired I could just lay there with her and she had tummy aches rearly or sick best thing I ever done x x

Christie Pinney 1 year ago

All spot on lol

Catie Gongol 1 year ago

I love this

Anina Robb 1 year ago

No bottles to wash!!

Amy Evers 1 year ago

Af was back within two months even though I ebf with my first son. Otherwise this list is spot on for me lol

Brooke Johnson 1 year ago

Ha ha true on many points. Although af doesn’t stay away for me which is not fair!

Misses Anna Smith 1 year ago

Yep…I have Irish twins.. Breastfeeding isn’t a great form of contraception ;-0

Kate Murphy 1 year ago

Uhhhh…Or you still enjoy your glass of wine….

Kate Murphy 1 year ago

I breast fed 3 years and didn’t have my period for TWO whole years! And skinniest I’ve ever been! 😉

Kate Murphy 1 year ago

These are all true.. BUT hello.. These are just extras.. Not the actual reason you choose breast feeding!

Helen Corden McIvor 1 year ago

This is brill.

Tasha Goy Pope 1 year ago

#5 for sure

Marie J Buckley 1 year ago

Ha so true.

Jessica Holden Lauderdale 1 year ago

I must have not been doing it right.. I got fat, my period, and pregnant all while breast feeding! Lol! That was a long time ago..


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