1.Teach him to put the damn seat down on the toilet. Don’t drop it with a bang. Gently put it down. (After he’s taken a piece of TP and wiped his up his dribble.) Better yet, never teach him to stand to pee.
2. Let him play video games. This will help him get out his aggression without actually killing anyone. Plus, it teaches him good hand/eye coordination for someday when he’s “My son, the surgeon.”
3. Teach him to scratch and/or adjust his balls in private – and NEVER with a fork.
4. Teach him that relationships are important and he needs to be faithful and monogamous. Teach him that sometimes relationships suck and require work. They’re not always “fun” and there are times it will seem easier to cut and run than stay and do some hard work. Teach him that he signed up for this and unless his partner is beating the shit out of him (physically and/or emotionally) he needs to stay and figure it out. Remind him too that when he was in high school you taught him what a skank was so that when he’s pushing 50, fat and bald, he’ll know the 20 something skank making eyes at him is only hoping he has a wallet as fat as his belly and he should go home now to his loving wife.
5. Give him a baby name book and help him make a list starting now. Little girls everywhere are doing it and maybe it if we start our sons now we can avoid disaster names like Pilot Inspektor and Blue.
6. Teach your son it’s OK to cry, but only if he’s really hurt. Right now my 7 year old is so “in touch” with his sensitive side it’s all I can do not to call him “cry baby.” The boy cried today because he lost a Beyblades match! I really need to see blood if I’m going to see tears or I fear for his future.
7. Give him a box of Legos and take away the “instructions.” Let him build whatever he can come up with. Let him get creative and crazy. Encourage him to use every Lego piece he has so you won’t step on another one again in your bare feet.
8. Teach him what a skank is so he’ll never bring one home.
9. Teach him how to vacuum, dust and do the dishes. He will thank you someday, because we all know there is nothing hotter than a man doing housework.
10. Teach him to use a tissue. Every time you pull up to a red light what do you see? A grown man digging for gold…i.e., boogers. Obviously, his mother never taught him to use a tissue. Disgusting.
11. Teach your son to NEVER rub one out in public. He needs to keep his visits to his “wonderland” in his own bedroom.
12. Teach your son to never snap a girl’s bra strap. For one, it’s rude and disrespectful to the girls and for another, in this day and age it can be called sexual harassment and your son could be expelled or worse.
13. Teach your son to be funny. Even if he’s a dork, the funniest one is always king of the dorks. There’s nothing sexier than a man with a sense of humor.
14. Let him to dance in a pink tutu. If he wants to wear a tutu and carry a sword let him. Either he’ll grow out of it or he’ll never struggle with his identity.
15. Don’t ever let him be the “Bachelor” or on any other dumb reality show. Those guys are always douche canoes.