Robyn
Latest posts by Robyn (see all)
- Rules for Visiting a New Mom - January 25, 2013
You know the scene: A close girlfriend has her long-awaited new baby and you feel the need to hightail it to her house to hold that little bundle of joy. In fact, it takes all of your self-control to not show up at the hospital and interrupt the precious few hours that she’ll have a staff doting on her around the clock. Either it’s because you love that new baby smell or you think Mama is going to have hurt feelings if you don’t show interest in her newest family member, but regardless, you are going to hold that baby. This is what we do as women, yes?
Au contraire, mon amie. I distinctly remember being two months into motherhood and realizing that I didn’t need or want any more girlfriends stopping by and over-stimulating my colicky, sensitive child with their scary foreign faces, inappropriately loud voices, or refusal to stop bouncing him for even a few minutes. Give the baby a break from the bouncing, ladies. Do you think I want him to get used to that? No, I don’t, because I’m tired and I don’t want to have to bounce him myself.
I assure you that I would not have been hurt had no one come to visit me at all. Do you think I made this baby by myself? In fact, I did not. There is a man who lives here to keep me company in the evenings. During the day I was too tired, overwhelmed, and covered in spit-up to care about loneliness, and having company just meant that I’d have to squeeze my fat ass into something that didn’t fit and vacuum the dog hair off the floor.
Before I became a mother I was one of those girlfriends who showed up just to hold your baby. I hereby publicly apologize to all of the new mommies that I did this to. No mother I know was sitting around, desperately waiting for me to appear at her house empty-handed and hold her baby. I am no Baby Whisperer, believe me.
There was one instance that I arrived at a girlfriend’s house for no other reason than to hold her new baby and then I sat down and ate the dinner that her husband had been preparing for them. Me! I did not just have a baby! Why was I eating her food? Shameful.
Now I’m a mother and realize that if you want to hold that babe in the first four months before the yummy new baby smell wears off, then there are some rules governing that situation…
• Bring food that you know they’ll like. This means a take-out lunch from a higher-end restaurant and bring enough food so that Daddy has something to eat when he gets home. Chicken, fish, steak, or something that fits their special diet. Don’t be stingy; buy enough for leftovers. Don’t bring Subway; in case you hadn’t heard, Subway is disgusting. Don’t make something on your own unless it actually tastes good. It’s best to spend a little money and treat them to something nice since it’s going to be a long, long time before they go to a restaurant again. I hate to say it, but if you can’t afford to buy her a nice lunch then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby.
• Don’t eat her food. Does Mama have some pulled pork or a rack of short ribs simmering in the crock-pot when you arrive? Don’t you dare accept any of it if she offers. She is being polite and you are not actually a guest. You are an intruder. Remember: Everything that you don’t eat is leftovers for them tomorrow, so don’t eat anything at all. You can have some water if you get it yourself. You need to be on high alert to recognize fake offers of food/gifts/favors and so on from this woman; she is likely out of her mind from sleep deprivation and doesn’t know what she’s saying, but she will still remember your greediness years later.
One of my friends left a homemade chicken casserole and fresh chocolate chip cookies at our front door and didn’t even need to come inside. The hallmark of a truly excellent friend is one who will knock quietly, put the food on the front porch, then get in the car and drive away.
• Bring a gift, even if you already gave a baby shower gift. Ask Mama what she needs or check her registry for lingering purchases. Don’t get your panties in a bunch about this one; it can be something as simple as a case of pacifiers or replacement pump pieces– things that only cost a few bucks. Nobody ever said that a gift had to be a surprise in order to be good. When in doubt, ask what diapers they use and bring those. If you buy the cheapest diapers you can find that are imported from Mexico, she’ll be dealing with scratchy leaky diapers and cursing your name at 4am.
• Snap Away. If you’re a semi-pro photographer, bring your camera and your most flattering lens. Don’t try to sell her the portraits later. Send them for free.
• No summer dresses in winter. Don’t bring size-inappropriate-for-the-season clothing that suits your taste and not theirs. Babies grow fast. Use your brain.
• Don’t bring decorative kick-knacks. As much fun as you might think it is, no mother wants you to decorate her new baby nursery. Decorating the nursery is strictly relegated to mom and dad and you can keep your over-sized stuffed animals, picture frames, and inspirational quotes out of it. Nobody wants something extra to dust around when they have a new baby. Don’t make Mama waste a stamp graciously thanking you for some random thing you dug up at Tuesday Morning that she never wanted in the first place.
• Make yourself useful. Is your new-mother friend one of those controlling types who doesn’t want anyone helping with her housework? Your friend needs to get over it because in about 8 months that baby is going to be mobile and her days of being in control of her surroundings are officially a thing of the past.
• Do the dishes. If the kitchen sink is full of dishes, turn on the water, rinse them off, and start loading them up in the dishwasher. Load them smart because you know how much we hate it when the dishwasher is loaded wrong. Don’t halfheartedly ask Mama if maybe you can help out in some way because she’s going to say no even though she means “God, yes, please someone help me for once.” Just do it.
• Or the laundry. Look around and spy a pile of clean clothes that needs to be folded? Do you have two working hands? Fold the laundry, even the underwear.
• Be that friend. One of my friends not only brought food and a gift, but she called from the drugstore to see if I needed anything (indeed, I did need nursing pads for those leaky boobs no one warned me about) and started putting away all of the odds and ends that belonged in the baby’s closet that I couldn’t reach because of my c-section. When she asked what she could do it wasn’t really a question as much as it was a statement and request for orders.
Another girlfriend came over with her husband for an afternoon. He sat in a chair and rocked the baby while she cleaned my kitchen spotless, including shining up the stainless steel of the refrigerator. What did I do? I took a bath and washed and dried my hair for the first time in a week. You know when your hair gets so dirty that the roots hurt? That was my hair. I had an entire hour to myself where I wasn’t listening for the baby to cry for the first time since becoming a mother two months prior. When I tried to check on the baby in the living room she whispered, “Get out of here. He can smell your milk.”
• But not THAT friend. I can honestly say that there were a few visitors during that time of my life who had me thinking, “I’m being held hostage by this tiny person who just threw up in my eyes and you didn’t even bring me anything?” Don’t be that friend. Learn from me, the reformed do-nothing baby holder. Last summer when a friend had a new baby, I brought a small gift and lunch whenever I went to see her because I knew she felt so overwhelmed. These days I don’t even give birthday presents without asking Mama what the little one needs, or if my gift idea is OK with her.
If you’ve been a blatant do-nothing baby holder in the past, fear not. Make a mental note to buy the child a special gift for their next birthday party and rest easy knowing that at some point, your day of having vomit in your eyes will come and you will find yourself wondering what the hell these baby-holding friends are doing in your house.
{ 192 comments… read them below or add one }
I can add another one. Do NOT under any circumstance bring a live plant to a new mother. A relative brought me something else that needed to be taken care of when I had a newborn infant. REALLY?!?!
Victoria KP recently posted..Thrifty Tasty Tuesday: Tortellini with Peas
with my first child the people i worked with gave me baby clothes and little fun things that were practical. my second baby, new set of people i worked with. i was quitting cause i had 2 under 2. they gave me a plant. guess which people i liked working with better
Great addition! My MIL actually brought me a wilted plant of hers to nurse back to health THE DAY AFTER I GAVE BIRTH!! She also brought some flowers and said, “I brought some flowers…they’re roses. I know you don’t like roses…just look past them.”
That’s crazy!! Now I know why people don’t like their mother-in-laws!! I am blessed to have the most amazing, thoughtful and helpful MIL in the world!! I’m sorry it sounds like you do not! :(
I got a plant too! What’s up with that? I’m not even a plant person!
My sister brought me potted lillies, they were lovely, then the died, they sat on my porch till spring when I dug a hole and buried it, thinking, maybe its a really hardy perenial. 7 years later I have lilies all over my yard and my son is thrilled every spring when HIS flowers start to grow.
courtney recently posted..Labor Eviction…I mean Induction
There was a huge snow storm right after I brought my son home from the hospital, my husband’s aunt and uncle visited us as soon as the roads were cleared. We had been snowed in and were slightly overwhelmed, our cupboards were completely bare and we had no refreshments to offer them, I still hear about our terrible hospitality on that day, my son is now 3.
Next time, take auntie in the other room and read her the riot act. Tell her its her one chance to apologize and drop the story from her repertoire or in future you will follow up with the story if those awful, thoughtless relatives who showed up unexpectedly and expected people in your situation to treat them like you had nothing getter to do than entertain and please them.
Ok, I know you won’t say it. Neither would I. But I might well cry on the shoulder of the next most gossipy relative. Cause my family is all passive aggressive like that.
On behalf of all decent people everywhere I would like to apologize for that ATROCIOUS behavior. You poor thing!
Rebeccah recently posted..He’s The REAL Deal
That’s exactly something my GERMAN relatives would do…
So true! Now I’ve been on both sides of this…and when I had our twins and people would sit in my living room and “hold the babies” and ask me for tea or coffee all I wanted to do was lie on the floor and sleep. But I was too polite, and sat and made painful conversation even though I’d never been so sleep deprived and hurting in my life.
bea. recently posted..the deep dark forest
That’s when you turn around and point towards the kitchen and say, “Help yourself” :) If they can hold the babies, they can most definitely fill the kettle and bring you a cuppa!
We live in a beach town, and after the birth of our first son, our family who came from out-of-town had good intentions, but we quickly realized that they also had vacation plans and kids of their own to entertain! I learned my lesson. Now, after baby #2, I speak up and make clear what help I need (and when they are welcome to come over). Otherwise, they will just hold the baby and then hit the beach!
So awesome! I’m sharing with my pregnoid friends now!
oxoxox
Sili recently posted..I Tell No Lies
Another to add: Don’t forget big brother/sister gifts. Already hormonal, it would break my heart to see my little though now big brothers look so sad when someone would bring something for the new baby, but not something to celebrate their new role, especially when we had been making such a big deal out of it so they would love having a new sibling vs. seeing him as a rival.
Even it’s something as simple as a fresh box of crayons and a new coloring book. That is my go to gift, especially if there are multiple siblings.
Presents for kids can be a touchy subject, but personally I think it’s important to teach little people to take pleasure in the joy of others. When its your sister’s birthday, SHE gets the presents and you celebrate WITH her. Maybe little siblings could even have fun picking out a present for the new baby themselves! (Even a silly or impractical one would be good practice for generosity and thoughtfulness). Good teachable moment.
Birthdays should be for the birthday child…yes…but when a new baby is born and a child is becoming a big sibling for the first time, that is different. Our children always picked gifts for the new babies and helped get their rooms ready. We also had a big brother gift waiting for them when they came to the hospital to meet their new little sibling. Becoming a new big sibling is just as important to celebrate as a new baby being born. My children became different people once they each had a younger sibling. It was amazing and it was an obvious change.
With my second, the hospital played a video about how even if your current children were in love with the baby when it first got home to be prepared for that to change after about 2 weeks once the older child realized the baby wasn’t leaving. We NEVER had that happen with any of our 3 older children and I really think that was because of how we handled the change for them.
Oh God, I don’t know why but I laughed so hard at the phrase “once the older child realized the baby wasn’t leaving.” Thanks for that, even if my amusement makes no sense (and I’m half sure it doesn’t, because I read it out to my husband and he didn’t seem to think it was as funny as I did).
I am shocked at some of you mothers, did you think that maybe the older generation were told that it is the proper thing to do is to go meet the new family member or baby of your friend. i am a mother and grandmother and i was more than happy to have someone come hold my baby and give me a break. I talked to my daughter and she thinks the same thing. having a baby does not give you special rights. most woman do it at least once in their lives and its hopefully by choice. if you don’t want company just simply say so. i could handle that but if you have stipulations on me coming to meet the new bundle of joy than maybe i should just stay home or go see someone who actually gives a shit. hint, having a baby does not make you entitled to lavish gifts, expensive food, or housekeepers. if you cant handle all the puke an shit that comes with a newborn than maybe you should not have one. maybe i come from a strong line of woman who didn’t need others to raise her children or treat them as if they just gave birth to Jesus himself. so you all had your bitch time now i have had mine. put your big girl panties on and have some respect for others that are excited to meet your child, you are lucky to have people that care. they all ready know you and should not have to bring you gifts for being able to have a child. before you know it you wont have so many visitors and you are going to wish you did. oh and one more thing, if someone drops some food on my door step its going in the trash. i dont know who dropped it off and im not eating it.
I HOPE that wasn’t directed at me. I NEVER had nor asked for people to come to my home and clean or do anything after any of my 4 children. In fact, my husband and I were totally on our own after our 3rd and 4th because we had moved far from home. All were c/s so I was unable to drive, limited on steps, etc. too, but whatever. We managed. I never demanded anything from anybody. If they came, great. Loved introducing the baby. If they brought something, great. It didn’t matter if they didn’t. All *I* was saying was if you DO bring a gift for the baby, bring something simple for the older siblings since these are the first days for a child to have to share his/her parents. Our hospitals always talked about the older siblings being excited and then after 2 weeks wondering when the baby was going back. NONE of my kids ever did that BECAUSE we celebrated their new roles. It didn’t carry over to birthdays or anything else but a new baby’s birthday is special for the sibling too.
Be the friend who calls while Mom is in the hospital to see if she can take care of anything at home (put out the dog, bring Dad clean clothes, get the house ready) If you run off in labor from a disaster zone, nothing beats bringing baby home to fresh sheets and a clean kitchen.
Audrey recently posted..The chance to cut is the chance to cure
I would like to add DO NOT bring your small children with you to visit! That is not nice or helpful. No matter how cute your kids are or how much we love them, they are loud and messy and one more headache to endure.
I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one UNLESS there is an older sibling around the same age who would love the playtime! Lol
Oh my goodness, do I agree! I had a friend bring over lunch for us to share, but it was a lunch that required dishes and utensils, and we do not have a dishwasher. Oh, and she brought her 2-year-old. So I spent at least 45 minutes cleaning up after them when they left, because they did not help with dishes or lunch clean-up, and her kid tore apart my living room and dumped out toys, blankets, coasters, books, etc, everything that was neatly put away. The kid even put both my baby’s pacifiers in her mouth, which then had to be boiled. They weren’t asked back anytime soon. Having them over is too much work.
Oh crap, I was guilty of so many of these before I had kids and KNEW. Thank you for doing public service duty today and educating the masses.
Mamarific recently posted..Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Boobs
After having an emergency c-section just after Christmas, a month before we expected to have the baby, I allowed mother-in-law to stay over. I could really use the help as we still hadn’t cleaned up the family party stuff and my toddler’s cloth diapers were overflowing in the bucket. I hadn’t gotten to finish folding laundry and the dishes from the night before we went to the hospital were getting funky. What did she decide to help with? She wanted to hold the baby and take care of the nighttime feedings “so you can get some rest”. NO!
Whenever there was a new baby to hold with my friends, I brought care packages: frozen containers of my husband’s famous red sauce placed in the freezer, beer for Dad, cookies… Then I stole the baby, and told Mom to take a nap or a shower if the baby had been recently fed. I cleaned the stove once for a friend, and cleaned-up/organized all the older siblings toys in the playroom once for another. I was paying it forward– there was one friend who helped me with errands and laundry after I had a c-section with my second. She was a life saver!
Sarah recently posted..On Strike
Can you be my friend? You sound like a treasure. Really!
Love this article. When I had my son, the only person in the first few months of his life that took my son and told me to go take a nap was my BIL. A single man that i thought had NO xp with a child. He held him for two hours while i passed out on my bed. forever grateful.
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I do remember trying to be a polite and attentive hostess while they held the baby and put him right to sleep after I spent the day trying my hardest to keep him awake, hoping we’d all get a little sleep that night. At the same time, willing my “guests” over and over in my head “please go home, please go home, PLEASE GO HOME…”
I’ve thought about this a lot because I was SO that friend!! Go over, empty-handed, just to hold and smell the baby and chit chat with the new mom. No more!! We’re on baby #3 (39.5 weeks…) and I just hope everyone with good intentions reads this post! :) :)
Sarah recently posted..Diary of a Real Pregnancy: Week 38 – Birth: Not Gonna Happen
While I COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from, and can certainly sympathize with the exhaustion a new mother experiences, and the inevitably rude guests she has to endure, I’m not sure I can completely agree with the way you have commodified friendship here. Your friends are only good to you as a new mother by what they can BUY you? They have to bring you food, but not just any food, food from a HIGH END restaurant? So what you’re saying is that if one of my friends has a child, as a broke student who can barely afford to feed myself, I can never, ever, go visit them, because my company is basically worthless? You’ve offered a lot of great suggestions here about helping out with the cleaning, and giving the mother a break, but the tone of this piece made me uncomfortable and frankly, ashamed of my behaviour in the past because I DIDN’T bring elaborate meals and gifts for all of children when I went to visit new-moms in my life who I love very much. If your intention was to shame me, then well done! You’ve ensured I will never go visit a new mother until I have a salaried carear and enough money to lavish gifts upon those I love.
As a broke student, your good intentions needn’t be codified in cash. You are the dishwasher, the laundry folder, the tidier upper, the special attention to the other children giver. Perhaps even the cook using what ingredients they do have.
All those non-cash actions were mentioned too. You seem to have missed them.
When I was a new mom, I’d have been happy with ANY food. And I did like the companionship, because it made me feel more human and normal and like my life wasn’t completely upside-down. I think the takeaway is: be helpful without being asked (do the dishes—yes please!), don’t say “yes” if New Mom asks if you want a coffee (you get it yourself, and make her something too), and, if you can, send New Mom to have a baby-less rest or bath while you take over.
Eh. Don’t be ashamed. I don’t think, Jane, that the author was being so absolute in her suggestions, you know? (Besides, she can’t tell anyone else what to do; even her suggestions are just that. Everything doesn’t work for everybody and sometimes the things she’s listed aren’t wanted either.) You know if you’re a good friend and you do what you can. If you can’t bring anything but you want to see the baby/your friend, just ask if it’s a good time to come over (and make sure she’s not just being polite. Most people don’t want to be rude but just make sure she means it.) Then maybe see what the family needs help with inside the house. Money and gifts will never take the place of a new mom getting a well-needed nap or having a friend to listen to some of the bullshit that newborns do like refuse to sleep or that irritating crying thing that happens or pooping yet again. Seriously, again? You couldn’t do that before I changed you?
You’re a worthwhile person; you know that. Each person is different. Visit new moms with genuine feeling and care in mind and you’ll be fine.
Arnebya recently posted..Sometimes
This is really lovely–Thank you so much for being kind :)
Its painfully clear you have no children. Or a sense of humor.
Jessica recently posted..That One Time When My Kid Was Pissed
It is painfully clear that you are one of those smug mommies that thinks the world should revolve around you because you did something billions of women did before you. YOU ARE THE EXACTLEY THE SANCTIMOMMIE I AVOID!
Oh geez. Here we go. I am not at all a smug mommy. I was only stating that it was clear she didnt have children nor did she get the humor in this post. Calm down.
Well I see that SOMEBODY needs to get laid.
You do realize that this entire website is dedicated to sarcasm, snarkiness and general bitching don’t you? This is a place to vent your deepest darkest thoughts. It’s NOT reality, it’s just a piece of reality. We vent here then go back to our families smiling and a little lighter. Chill out honey.
You do realize that this entire website is dedicated to sarcasm, snarkiness and general bitching don’t you? This is a place to vent your deepest darkest thoughts. It’s NOT reality, it’s just a piece of reality. We vent here then go back to our families smiling and a little lighter. Don’t take any of this too seriously.
I agree with Jane…while I’m sure the writer had good intentions… this article sounds incredibly rude!
I can tell you Robyn does not commodify her friends. I am the friend who brought my husband – he held the baby while I cleaned. It’s not about the financial gift. Her being able to bathe and wash her hair meant more than anything we could have bought or brought.
For her second child I went for a week. Cleaned, did laundry, and had a blast with her older child.
Why did I clean and stay? Because my family is on a fixed income and the most valuable thing I have to offer is myself.
No personal offense was meant!! I was only commenting on the tone of this post, which rubbed me the wrong way…(and geeze, I never expected a comment I made while half-sleep to generate so much feedback!) That’s really lovely that you and your husband did that, and I apologize if it sounded like I was slighting your friend. As someone on a fixed income myself, I really appreciate what you said about donating time–which is something I’ve done myself for friends with kids :)
Time and elbow grease are the BEST gifts!! :)
I agree that there are some unfortunate remarks mixed in with the good advice in this article, the worst of which is: “I hate to say it, but if you can’t afford to buy her a nice lunch then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby.” This is sad, and false, and should NOT shame people like Jane into staying away from their friends. The rest of the article lays out lots of good ways to help a new mom and dad that needn’t cost anything, though, so just pretend you didn’t read the first paragraph. :)
P.S. It’s refreshing to see that there are still people out there who are sensitive to (and upset by) the commodification of friendship, which is completely out of control these days.
Thank you Jane! I was beginning to think I was the only one who saw this as a problem. Gifts are nice, but not required. As I was reading this post I was thinking, Does she actually like these “friends” she speaks of?? The cleaning is 100% spot on, you should always help out if you visit a new mom, but requiring friends to spend money is just ridiculous.
Ah, the road to hell is paved in childless people’s good intentions, right? After two kids I agree with every single thing you wrote as well as many of the additions in the comments. What amazes me is how quickly people forget what it’s like with a new baby! (like my MIL, who would come over and “help” and whom I had to feed three times a day cause she can’t seem to manage even boiled eggs.) So, now I do whatever I can for new mom friends… as a way to pay it forward, I guess, and to pay for the mistakes of the past!!
BonnyBard recently posted..Because, my friends, I’m nothing if not rational and there’s little I love more than teaching a good lesson.
Jane, she writes that you can bring food you’ve cooked, as long as it tastes good.
When I had my baby, two friends really stood out as amazing. The one couple who stayed at our place when labor turned into a much longer ordeal than we expected so they could take care of our dog. They also went out and got staples for our fridge because we didn’t have any bread, eggs, milk, etc.
The other couple knew when we were coming home and left a casserole on our front stoop for dinner that night. It was amazing.
On the flip side, moms, don’t be afraid to ask for help! I told anyone who wanted to come that they were welcome as long as they brought food. I really didn’t care if it was takeaway or a homemade meal or even a gift card to Let’s Dish!. It had to be something.
One last rule for visiting a new mom: DON’T overstay your visit! Unless mom is showering/taking a bath/taking a nap, be in and out in 30 minutes. It’s exhausting. Go away.
As long as it tastes good, huh? Oh gee, how gracious. I’ll try to cook my “good tasting” lasagna this time instead of the nauseating crap I usually make.
Genevra, I wish I could “like” your comment.
One of my best friends just had a baby and I’m not visiting for a couple of weeks to let things settle down…add to the list “send in the mail a package for the mama” I sent her some new comfy sweats, hoodie and t-shirts that are just her thing, right for nursing, and will hopefully make her feel a little more human since her clothes are probably too tight still…she texted me that I get the “best friend award” for knowing exactly what she needed!
This is list is both bitchy and spot on. I waffle between them because not a single friend came to visit after I had my son. Being the first to get married and get pregnant alienated me from most friends for some reason (married ladies still drink, and pregnant ones still like to go out!). My mom stayed with me and even though she kept saying she didn’t know what she was doing here since we were doing so well on our own, I know that she did more than either of us realized. Like when she went to the pharmacy to get my nipple cream after I came down stairs in tears on day three of being home.
For some reason, this made me ache for a new baby! My twins are 8 years old and I want a tiny baby….but only for about an hour or so.
Amanda recently posted..Meeting Nature in the City
I can understand, and even forgive, non-parents not ‘getting’ the fact that a new mom really isn’t in the mood to play Martha Stewart when she’s sleep-deprived, sore-nippled, hungry, and unshowered, but there’s NO excuse for moms who’ve been there to be guilty of being what amounts to an utter pain in the tuchas to a new mom. My former mother-in-law was a case in point. She’d had six kids – SIX – yet, when I had my first child, she would show up unexpectedly, stay for hours on end, and hold my son while I was expected to wait on her and listen to her bitch and moan about her problems at work. She never so much as offered to cook, clean, or do/bring anything helpful or useful. One time, she showed up when I was nursing the baby – my then-husband had gone to the store – and stood outside the front door for a half-hour until he got back, calling to me to let her in. She. Just. Wouldn’t. Leave. ARGH!!!!!!
By baby #3 I didn’t want anybody over. NOBODY. No friends, no family, just please leave me the hell alone until I tell you I want company. With the first, mounds upon mounds of people showed up to the hospital. I didn’t know any better to use my voice and ask them to leave. With the second, I was a little more vocal but still had them show up to the hospital and the house. By #3, my resounding hell no was enough. So, even bearing gifts and food and willing to let me nap, scrub my floors, I just wanted peace and quiet and just my kids and husband. Just us. (And people thought this to be extremely rude and selfish.)
Arnebya recently posted..Sometimes
I completely agree! The majority of these visits are obligatory annoying and guilt ridden just stay away until I call you!
A couple of weeks after I had my daughter, I had two mommy friends come visit me. They both have kids. They offered to bring me food/lunch and I was ECSTATIC. They showed up, with a stouffer’s frozen lasagna (for reals), and then expected ME to cook it. I told her them to stuff it in the freezer. And…that’s exactly what they did. Seriously, they couldn’t even TURN ON THE OVEN THEMSELVES? I kicked them out 30 minutes later.
I disagree with most of this. Don’t come in unless your my mom,and don’t bring anything unless it’s pre-cooked food, leave it outside the door with note and go away….
my inlaws always get the new baby crap from the dollar store. really you spent 3 bucks on baby shampoo my child is allergic to, and a blanket that is more fit for a dog than a baby.
Omg thank you! My MIL keeps buying my little girl that shit! Especially those god awful pink sweatsuits they sell there. Which she will wear exactly once so grandma can see her in it and then into the trash it goes.
How self-indulgent is this post? Peeps do not have to come visit, ya know–if u don’t want them to-tell them.. So passive-aggressive. How about being grateful for peeps who care about u and your baby (another person you’ve added to the global populous)?
How selfish is someone who comes visit a new mom and expect to be served? How selfish is it to go visit a newborn just to see the newborn and not care if you are a chore for the new parents?
Clearly you have never had a baby or you have never had selfish, clueless people show up in the first weeks of newborn exhaustion and expect to be waited on. Lucky you.
Your friends didn’t become selfish and clueless just because YOU had a baby. Nor was it just because they may not have children, but if you really subscribe to the beliefs of this article and the posts that criticize and judge people who really just want to share in your joy, then the character of the friends you have may be more of a reflection of yourself.
Thank you Kim, for restoring my faith in humanity.
(And Francesca. Thanks to Francesca too.)
No, my friends do a fabulous job being good thoughtful friends and I do the same for them. It’s my RELATIVES who I can’t get rid of that show up and demand to be waited on hand and foot, eat our food and pout if the baby is sleeping/not to be disturbed and they stay way way way too long, never offering to help with anything. If you read my previous posts you’ll see that my comments reflect that.
I have to ask… Are you this serious and angry all the time? You realize that this whole entire website is snarky and sarcastic, ON PURPOSE, it’s a place to blow off steam and then go back to your family with a smile on your face having vented a little. This site is not REALITY, just a small piece of it. Chill OUT honey.
One time, an Aunt and an Uncle came in from out of town when my TWINS were 2 months old. My little boy had just turned 3. They live in BEVERLY HILLS. My husband and I went out and picked up burgers for them. We paid. They did bring presents from the dollar bin at Target. Chutzpah.
As a soon to be mother of 4, what I really want is someone to entertain my older children. Those poor kids have been put on the back burner and dying for attention. All I want is for someone to take them to the park, to McDonalds, anything, so that I could have a moment of peace with the new little wonder.
AMEN. A-MEN.
I couldn’t agree more with most of the points being made here! However, you really should think about how you phrase some of your thoughts. You come across like a bitter, ungrateful b***h.
Ungrateful is the word alright….
OMG, this blog made me cry! Especially the ‘Be that friend’ part! OH, how I wish I’d had a list like this when my kids were newborns! I do have to say that this one friend of mine was AMAZING – she brought me the most delectable butter croissants when my youngest was first born – she visited weekly, always bringing those croissants with her! My youngest is nearly four years old now, and I’ve never forgotten those croissants, or how good a friend she really was to me!! She also went with me to the doctor when I needed to get my Mirena – she held my hand and looked after the baby when he fussed.
I have to say that I could not even finish reading this article. At the point where it said that you basically OWE the new mommy and daddy food from a high-end restaraunt, you lost me. That is just disgusting that you think that your friends cannot come over without gifts. I would absolutely hate to be your friend. FYI I had a baby. My friends came. Some brought gifts, which I was thankful for, and some didnt. It did not bother me a bit. I enjoyed the company and I enjoyed introducing my close friends to him. Get over youself! You had a baby, you aren’t dying!
Really?! You need to grow a sense of humor – this article was sarcastic and meant to be funny.
I have to disagree. I thought it was meant to be satire. I thought there was no way that she could possibly mean everything she was saying, with the tone in which she was saying it. Then I got to the comments and see that everyone has jumped on the entitlement bandwagon. Either I was wrong and it wasn’t meant to be sarcastic, or everyone else commenting here missed that point and is just a self-important pack of b*****es.
Ha! I love your reply. After I had my kids, I loved having someone stop by just to chat. I didn’t expect a single gift or take-out from a “high-end” restaurant. I was so happy to have friends and family that wanted to share in the joy of a new life. This article came across as b*tchy and very princess-esque, not funny or sarcastic. You can’t just say, “oh, you missed the point, it was funny” and give a pass to the author. I think she’s being serious; she expects you to “pay” to see her child because you are inconveniencing her. YOU decided to have a kid so YOU can deal with the chores and sleep deprivation. If your friends bring presents or food, well then that’s great and so generous of them but they don’t owe you anything. I have had three kids, so no one can say, “oh, you’ve never had kids, so you don’t know”, yes, yes I do know. If I had a friend like the one in the article, they’d be kicked to the curb so fast their kid wouldn’t have time to spit up. Having a baby isn’t about what people can do for you. I get it that having visitors after having a baby can be hard but guess what, the world doesn’t revolve around you so suck it up and deal with it for an hour or two. It’s not going to kill you. I had to put on a few fake smiles when I had visitors but I was grateful that they took the expense and time out of their lives to think about us, travel and visit to see my new child. There isn’t much gratefulness or graciousness coming across in this article.
Oh Bethie, thank you for this post. You said everything I was feeling. I get so depressed when I read this stuff, and even MORE depressed when the comments are all assenting opinions. The problem is that people seem to think it’s ADORABLE to be a raging selfish entitled princess. It’s funny! It’s cute! No, it’s a tragedy, and you’re ruining the lives of everyone you interact with.
I don’t think I’ve ever read an advice article on the internet that described presents or visitors or guests as an unexpected blessing.
Anyway, thank you again for your eloquence and sanity. It has been so refreshing.
Agreed, agreed, agreed! And what floors me is that a friend of mine just posted this, saying “where was this when I had my baby! Hahaha!” How horrible do those of us feel who didn’t bring her and her Mr takeout from Bouchon six months ago!? A tactless share of a crass and tactless rant.
Yes, don’t be a burden. Yes, help without asking. Yes, don’t overstay your welcome – we all know these things. But the tone of this article was low and offensive. Definitely leaves a sour taste.
You do realize that this entire web site is dedicated to sarcasm, snarkiness and the deepest darkest thoughts that we have? NONE of us move through the world saying these things out loud or even reacting in this way. This is a fun, safe place for moms to blow off steam. Don’t take any of this too seriously. And for goodness sake don’t log on here anymore if you can’t understand the concept of the web site.
Actually, a lot of people, including you, did say these things out loud in the reply section, so null and void that excuse.
I saw this post because a friend shared it on Facebook with the title, “I’m guilty of bringing Amy Subway when I visited. I’m so sorry!”. I came here to see what my friend read, that made her feel bad for being considerate enough to visit a new mom and bring her lunch. Then I saw all these posts from real people, with “serious” comments on this “fun” site. Since when did snarkiness and sarcasm become funny? This article left me with nothing but sadness and negative feelings.
And, you aren’t the boss of any of us so neener neener we’ll log in and read if we want to. That was sarcasm, was that funny? Bet you aren’t smiling.
For the love of God, the essay was not sarcastic. Sarcasm involves irony– it’s saying the opposite of what you mean in a caustic way. Your comment isn’t sarcastic, either.
To say, “Wow, you must have majored in writing at a top-tier school” would be a sarcastic statement.
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HA! Amazing :-)
I love this! Preggers with #2 right now and honestly, this time around I will have no problems saying “ok, you need to leave now, I have to (xyz, whatever). My freaking MIL (who should KNOW better!) came over the night we brought son #1 home. I was sore and exhausted. She brought nothing, even though she came at dinner time. Instead, she and BIL (who had a COLD!!!!!) ate the lasagna that our sweet pastor’s wife made, watched my hubby run to the store for pain medication and sat on her butt while I struggled to get comfortable. Finally at 9pm, I took the baby in my room to nurse and stayed in there until they left at 10:30. She told hubby she thought I was mad at her….HELL YES! Who does that? I’m not saying everyone who visits has to bring something for the new baby….at the VERY least, offer to help with chores in some way, or STAY THE F*** HOME IF YOU’RE SICK!!
NEVER having kids. This makes it sound horrible.
Occasionally it is. Most of the time it isn’t. Don’t take this stuff to heart – 95% of it is sarcasm, venting and laughing at yourself. :-)
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I had the unfortunate experience of not really getting any help from anyone after the birth of our son (our first) while I was recovering from a C-section. My MIL came to the city to visit her family but my hubby literally had to beg her to stay with us for 3 days. She was amazing during those 3 days and it was such a relief but when your own mother leaves the province for 2 wks immediately after her 1st grandchild is born, you’d think MIL would jump on an opportunity to help out. I’ve endeavored to “pay-it-forward” with all my friends who’ve had babies since. I always bring a meal, a gift, or allow them to chose date/time/length of stay. And I never bring my toddler along as that would be just plain disasterous. A couple of comments about this article: I was/am a very social person and I found that the lack of people even just calling or texting brought me down. I craved adult conversation that was about things other than feeding or diapers and that lasted more than 20 minutes. Also: I had a friend who was the complete opposite of the typical new mom and she found it incredibly offensive that I tried to clean her house or that I even offered to assist with anything she actually told me to “get the f@#k out of my kitchen” because she took it as an insult that I was implying she was incompetent….So I guess my main message would be to ASK the new mom what she wants/needs/likes from her friends.
I actually loved being brought homemade food. What I hated was somebody come to my house with a FROZEN lasagna that I had to cook myself and a bag of salad that I had to find dressing for. I thought that was the tackiest thing ever.
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Heavens. Your friend brought you a meal that was cooked aside from heating it up and pouring something on top of it. Oh, the humanity!
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Yeah, i second the motion that you sound pretty ungrateful. Get a grip. I’m really glad I’m not your friend.
Adding another one: my biggest pet peeve is when people come over and want to hold the sleeping baby. They don’t care that you just spent what felt like an endless amount of time rocking your colicky cranky baby to sleep. My rule was don’t wake him unless you feel like staying until he goes back to sleep again and once he is sleeping he goes in his bassinette. You don’t have to deal with a child who “sleeps when held” at 4am.
Damn, i’m guilty of a lot of those!
Right after I had ds8m I had tons of family visit. They all expected coffee and tea and snacks and when I would bring it they’d tell me that I need to rest and sleep when the baby sleeps. I always wanted to tell them to get the fuck out so I could do exactly that. I did enjoy company but not where I had to wait hand and foot on them when I was healing from a very bad tear.
I think you all sound like a bunch of ungrateful witches. Be grateful of the time people are spending on you – it is, afterall, what is most valuable these days. Whether they are bringing you a plant or wiping your butt as you basically want them to do, get over yourself and be thankful for these people. Check yourself. Really. You had a kid. Thousands of women do it every day – you ARE NOT SPECIAL!
And yes, I have had kids!
someone needs a midol……wow……^
i always bring a little something for the other kids, and food. and stay with the baby at least long enough that new momma can nap or shower….her preference.
Wow, I have never visited a new Mother and stayed any longer than 40-45 minutes…..I can’t imagine popping in and staying long periods of time. Also, I never expected people to bring me gifts, or gifts for the babies ever. In fact, I was more grateful that they came over and spent time with me, hubs, and baby. I had a horrible c-section birth, vertical incision that was leaking for 4 months (beautiful it was), and felt dizzy most of the time. I was grateful to have people come over and visit during that time. Especially new Mothers I felt were competent to hold my baby. I was a little over-protective.
If we’re talking etiquette though, here is one NO-NO that should never occur when visiting a new Mother. Never comment on the size of the Mother’s breast while she is breastfeeding. That will get you killed. My Mother in law felt compelled to mention it, I swear, even with the low milk supply I had, I swear it shut it down entirely. I wanted to kill. That would be a no-no. If someone is compiling these for some kind of book on etiquette…I think this should top the list.
Loved it when people brought us food (didn’t care what it was as long as I didn’t have to cook it). As far as gifts, even the most hideous outfit, I put it on the boys, took a picture of them wearing it (even if it was staged….bad I know) sent it to them or posted in on Facebook and thanked them for it. It’s nice to receive things you want or need, on the other hand keep in mind that if a little old lady took the time to knit it or venture out on a shopping trip to get it, I don’t care how hideous the outfit is……they’re wearing it, even if it’s just once. Then again I can see others’ point of view about receiving things they’re actually going to use….it is actually wasteful to do otherwise.
Cindy
I loved the whole post, but the “God, yes!” part for me was the part about visitors coming and putting their big faces in my overstimulated, colicky baby’s face and then bouncing her and bouncing her and bouncing her. My MIL came to stay with us when I had my baby, and I was livid at the idea — until I learned that she was actually there to make tons of freezable meals for us, keep the house tidy, do laundry, and not try to hold the baby only when the baby was content. MOM wants to hold the baby when baby’s content. VISITOR can hold the baby when baby is going on her third hour of being a screaming banshee.
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I would just want someone to come take care of the baby for an hour so that I can take a nap! Once someone offered to watch my kids for me so I could nap. She wanted me to drive them to her house twenty minutes away. I never took her up on it.
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These are spot on!
I went into labor with my second son while my entire fam was out of town. My mom had actually gone out of the country for a conference and my husband’s grandfather had passed away so they all went to the funeral (the little guy was 2wks early).
Anyway, my aunt came to stay the weekend to help with my older son who was only 15 mos old at the time. My sister-in-law came over at 2am so I could get to the hospital and when I got home I discovered she had been grocery shopping, cleaned the entire house, including changing the sheets on which my water had broken.
Once the rest of the in-laws got back my MIL kept my oldest for a week while my husband and I adjusted to the newbie. Talk about lucky :)
What is ironic is that ALL of my friends know this list by heart (even the childless ones!) but NONE of my relatives do…especially the ones who have had babies many times.
The worst is my MIL who shows up empty handed, sits down to hold the baby then requires everyone to wait on her as if SHE is the one with 12 stitches in her twat. She expects photos too: get your camera, document how wonderful and involved I am! After she sits, smiles for photos and absorbs her fill of attention she walks right past the sink full of dishes, the piles of laundry, the destroyed play room and leaves. She will return when the baby is old enough to recognize how intelligent and witty her grandmother is.
This is followed by my FIL who REFUSES to wash his hands (“Oh I did that two weeks ago, I’m fine!”) before holding and touching the baby…in the mouth…a lot.
Then there is DH’s Stepmom who shows up bathed in Aquanet hairspray and Chanell No5 wearing a 100% wool sweater from 1975 covered in dog hair that has not been washed…ever.. and her 6 inch long finger nails (on hands also washed 2 weeks ago). You can see the crud under her nails but thanks to her failing vision, she cannot.
If there are any older people out there reading this…take this to heart:, WASH YOUR HANDS, NO, I DON’T MEAN SPLASH THEM IN WATER, WASH THEM WITH SOAP, LEAVE OFF THE PERFUME, CUT THOSE DISGUSTING FINGERNAILS and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO WOOL SWEATERS. And DO SOMETHING while you are visiting.
The best was my stepmom and dad who drove hours just to take my colicky baby from me at 9pm, send me to bed and let me sleep until 2am. It was the first stretch of sleep over 3 hours that I had for weeks. BLISS. Will never forget that.
THAT folks is what REAL grandparents do. This will be remembered when I am picking out their nursing home.
Can I borrow them sometimes? My mother is well meaning but a little questionable in the judgement department.
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When our wee girl was 6 weeks old my husband went to Bali for 10 days to do charity work (one of those things that seemed a good idea before Bub arrived). His departure coincided with arrival of bub’s first cold and a growth spurt.
I will forever be a little bit in love with one of hubby’s best friends who; despite having no children of his own; called me to see what food in the world I most wanted in the world. Him and his girlfriend arrived with a movie, food, and supportive hugs. They fed me whilst Bub ate, held her so I could go to the bathroom and were just so wonderful.
That is amazing. What good friends…
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I don’t expect a baby gift or a gift for my other children. If you show up with ANYTHING edible and do a load of dishes, wipe off a counter or play with my older kids while I take a shower I will absolutely WORSHIP you forever. It does not take money to be a good friend or a good grandparent. It just takes THOUGHTFULNESS.
Also important to keep the conversations light and happy! My in-laws came over when my son was a week old. I was taking my first real shower at home (had a c-section) and they came over without calling! Their main conversation topic? How they were building a fireplace and storing lots of caned food incase of some “end of the world” kind of scenario!! Here I am, with my newborn baby, hormones going whacko and they are talking about the end of the fucking world?! I actually asked them, with tears in my eyes, to please stop talking about such horrible things, and they got pissed at me about it! There next topic of converstation? Giving me grief about not being able to produce breast milk and how EXPENSIVE formula was. It was a horrible situation. Never have been able to totally forgive them of that one!
Ouch. I cannot believe how ridiculous some people can be!
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How about do NOT bring your germs. Having to wear a mask for 8-9 weeks around your brand new babies because someone thought it was ok to come to your home with the flu…then pertussis…is not fun.
Anyone who comes around a newborn with germs needs to be slapped. I won’t even go around a newborn if one of my kids has something, just in case I’m carrying around their cooties!
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Wow…I completely disagree with the article and with most of these comments! Someone wise once told me after I had my first son “Do not interfere with people who want to love your child.” I took this to heart and love people to love on him and yes, hold him without cleaning, cooking etc. I would absolutely detest being friends with someone with this attitude. Yes, I have babies and yes, I can host people who want to fawn over them, and yes, I had difficult deliveries/recovery periods to boot!
I completely agree with this. Love for my child is the most important thing I wanted. I’m really sorry that this attitude is being celebrated.
I agree with you Jesse!
This article is not about a baby being loved and cherished. It is about having a little bit of respect for the woman who pushed him out – or had him cut out.
I have eight nephews, four nieces and six god-children and am expecting my first and second (yes, twins). I have to say that I would never presume any right to ‘express my love for a child’, even if we are related, without first acknowledging and respecting the mother (and / or fathers) wishes and privacy.
Love the child to bits, by all means – and yes, it takes a village, no one is denying that, but have a little common sense too.
Most new moms need a helping hand, so before you presume your ‘right’ to love on and hold the baby, check in on mamma and see how she’s doing. Nine times out of ten, you are guaranteed that she needs some help. So if you want to hold the baby, help the mom first, if she needs it. That’s not so extreme now is it?
No one is taking issue with whether or not you should treat a new mom with respect, or help out a new mom. But this article is not about respect. She specifically says you should pay to see someone’s baby. It’s not about taking food – it’s about taking high end food. It’s not about giving a gift – it’s about giving the ‘right’ gift. I think most people would want to help a new mom, but when you make it a requirement and expectation like this, especially material things, people are going to get turned off. Then the children will lose out on relationships they could have had, which I think is what Jesse is saying.
I was really just mean and selfish and wanted some space. I didn’t turn anyone away who expressed a specific interest in coming by, but I certainly wasn’t rolling out the welcome mat. After giving birth, with a bay nursing round the clock and a sore crotch, the last thing I want to do is socialize. There’s plenty of time for that later.
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OH MY GOSH! I had a girlfriend who did that. She held my baby and expected me to entertain her. I was so exhausted and needed a nap so bad. She has been so inconsiderate! We are not as close to say the least!
Also if you haven’t seen te mom in three years, please don’t show up at te hospital unannounced…with your mother…while the new mom is pumping… And say its fine you just wanted to visit…
Yes! I had this happen at the hospital several times. Even had some of my bf’s family randomly show up in my room, unannounced, that I had never even met! My mil and fil would just walk right in my room without knocking! MY MOM even had the tact to knock so i could cover up a bit!
THIS IS HARSH. YOU SOUND VERY UNGRATEFUL AND I WOULDN’T WAN T TO BE YOUR FRIEND. WHEN MY FRIENDS VISIT IT IS OUT OF LOVE AND A DESIRE TO BE PART OF SOMETHING WONDERFUL IN MY LIFE. I DON’T EXPECT THEM TO BRING ANYTHING OR DO ANYTHING AND I CERTAINLY DON’T JUDGE THEM FOR THEIR GIFTS OR LACK THEREOF. THIS ARTICLE LEFT ME GOBSMACKED.
You mad bro?
Hahahah! Agreed, Margaret.
I broke my leg and ankle when my daughter was three weeks old, had surgery a week later to fix it. Subsequently I was housebound for the next two months because I couldn’t carry the baby and crutch at the same time therefore no driving OR walking. I would have killed for someone to have come over to hang out with me. Extreme circumstances obviously, but it was super lonely – everyone “didn’t want to bother me”. I’d say the best thing to do is offer support and company, be helpful and considerate and don’t get your knickers in a twist if someone wants to be left alone. I think the best thing you can do for someone is to do what THEY want – not what YOU want.
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My best friend has twin girls, and when they were about a month old, I stayed the weekend at their house and took care of them, night and day. I stole the baby monitor, made a thousand bottles, and changed a thousand diapers. I was exhausted by the end of the weekend, but I’ll never forget how great my friend looked after two nights of solid sleep, and how happy her husband was. If you have the means/opportunity to do this – DO IT!! Your friend will appreciate more than you know.
I am a mother in law, out of state from my DIL and Son. When they had their first child, my first grandchild, They felt that me and my husband should be no where near them and as it turned out we were in the vicinity when the DIL went into labour, the DIL absolutely had a temper tantrum that we want to stop by. When we finally insisted as it was too costly to go fly home and back at their convenience, we went in and did their laundry, dishes, changed their sheets and cooked food for them to freeze. We stayed about 2 hours. We flew home. They are now having a second baby next month and have made it clear we are not welcome for at least a week as it is only time for the family to bond! We are the only grandparents and are very seriously hurt that we are not considered a part of their family. We are welcome when their friends are. I guess they told us!
I see both sides. First I WISH my own mother or MIL would have the desire to just go in and do all of those wonderful things you did for the first child. However, I do understand that the birth itself and first few days are for the immediate family to get adjusted and enjoy a few days as a new family. I am envious of those who have parents and in-laws who are so active in their grand kids lives because mine are not!
A week isn’t terribly long — my mother-in-law waited a couple days while we were still in the hospital and a couple of days after we settled in at home to meet her first grandchild. Because she behaved so impeccably then, she’s going to fly up in advance of the next one and watch the older kid while I produce Kid 2. I hope you and your DIL can forgive each other and enjoy those babies!
I don’t think its rude at all for her to ask for a little time to herself to bond as a family with HER child. Its great that you want to be involved but I think you need to be polite and give her the space when she ask. Maybe she also wants some time to start the healing process before she has to entertain people in her home!
OR we as mothers could simply be grateful that someone even WANTS to visit and see our new baby. You know for some people it’s an inconvenience to take time out of their day to come over to a friend’s house just to see a sleeping little newborn for a few minutes. Instead of being rude or having presumptuous requirements for a visit, maybe we should just be humbled and grateful that someone cares enough about you to come and see your sweet new addition. They could always be indifferent towards you and that’s far worse than having to “squeeze your fat ass” into something. But hey, maybe that’s just me. I appreciate every visitor that came to see me in and out of the hospital because I know they weren’t just sitting around waiting for something interesting to do that day. They CHOSE to visit me and that was very kind. I couldn’t care less if they brought me a gift OR food, they came to see ME and my BABY.
Also, if the baby is really fussy and crying.. Seriously, don’t stick around, be brief and then let me go handle the baby In peace :)
Also- showing up in expected is so a no no
I wish I could circulate this as a flyer to certain friends and family right before I have this baby. I would add another – DON’T BRING ALL YOUR KIDS OVER WITH YOU TO VISIT SOMEONE WITH A NEW BABY! Got a visit the day after coming home from hospital with my first from a family that came over after taking their 4 kids to lunch at a fast food play place and then they kept trying to touch the baby, they were fighting and screaming, and running all over our house breaking things (Christmas and bathroom decor), taking food from the fridge, and taking things out of the crib/nursery and scattering them all over the house. I finally excused myself with the baby because I was exhausted and actually sat in my room and cried until we both fell asleep. By the time I woke up, they were gone. IT WAS WAY TOO MUCH FOR THIS 1ST TIME BRAND NEW HORMONAL MOMMY! The real kicker here is that the mom was so insulted by me retreating to my room, that she hasn’t talked to me since… it’s been 3 years! Never once during the visit did they tell the kids to calm down or stop or apologize for the things they broke. Disastrous!
Also… I don’t agree with all the rules – I’d edit a couple out. I’m cool with no gift and someone just coming over to see how we’re doing.
I imagine that recovering from major surgery (a C-section) makes everything way more difficult. I was happy to have folks stop by for an hour, food or cleaning or no, within a few days. But this also probably depends on your friends and family. If you have even one person in your life who needs everything to be about them at all times, that would be extra-exhausting post-natally.
Loading the dishwasher and providing food that the parents are known to like is truly delightful, but I found some grandmotherly cleaning annoying — where did everything end up? At least when it was on the counter, I knew.
THANK YOU For this amazing advice!
Hilarious. Some of the commenters are taking this way too seriously!
This was a great article and so true. When I had my 3rd baby, I had a 3 year old and a 19 month old as well, and was recovering from a C-section. I had a friend who, despite having to leave her small child home with her husband, stayed every night in the hospital with me. Then a few weeks later, she dropped by one evening and found me with baby in arms, trying to cook dinner for the kids. She finished the food, then proceeded to sweep and mop my whole house. It meant a lot to me because I had to go it alone a lot because of hubby’s late work hours.
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I have had two infants (and two c-sections) and I didn’t feel like any of my friends were selfish for just visiting. I enjoyed when people held the baby because it freed my arms. Also, with my second, the visitors would distract and pay attention to my older son which made him feel important. I will say that after having my babies, I paid a weekly maid because I felt like cleaning was too much, and unnecessary. But I would never expect my friends to do that for me.
I always wait to be invited, or wait a month or more and then ask if she’s up for visitors. I don’t have children of my own, but I imagine that having people stop by unannounced (or inviting themselves over) when you’re not feeling all that great and haven’t slept a full night since before the baby was born and you’re running on fumes is just freakin’ awful.
That being said, I’m not bringing anything. I can barely make my bills, so tough shit. I offer my company and perhaps some free babysitting from time to time, but that’s all I have to give.
I think the point here is to be a considerate and thoughtful friend. Check with the new mom to see if the visit is okay, ask what she and baby need, and don’t expect someone who just gave birth to entertain you. Those are pretty good rules in general – think about who you’re visiting and behave accordingly. That said, some of these comments are absurd. New moms, nobody can read your mind! If you need privacy and alone time, cool, say so. Any true friend will get it. But these “childless people are sooooo clueless” remarks are annoying. It’s about good manners! I don’t have kids, but I took off every Friday for a month to help my new mom friend with laundry, play with her cats, grocery shop, etc. Some of her friends with kids couldn’t do that. Ask nicely for what you need and be grateful and gracious when you get it! You’ll be amazed at how politeness and kindness can spread.
I loath surprise gifts, not that I’m a control freak so much as if you are spending money on me I’d rather it was useful. People have given me tons of knicknacks and really they’re pretty when I’m 50 but when I have a baby it’s one more thing that has to be moved for child proofing the crawling baby house. Cooked and prepared food is always good= and limit spices if you are bringing it to a breastfeeding mom, last thing she needs is a baby with explosive diarea
I think this blog is quite rude. Your baby won’t remember all those “scary faces, or inappropriate loud voices,” but they will remember a mother who has no friends because they are self-centered and rude. Yes its frustrating being a new mother, but to say being a good friend is to bring food and gifts…wow! Enjoy your baby. Quit thinking of only yourself. Your baby will need a network of adults that love them and your alienating voice won’t give them that.
As amusing as this was to read, I have to whole heartedly disagree. With my first, I had plenty of visitors at the hospital but no one came when I had gotten home until two weeks after. I was a single mom and I was a mess. My son was attached to a bili blanket for a week,but would scream if you put him down. I didn’t have a microwave or car and he would cry (colic) every time I tried to cook. I didn’t have a shower or hot meal for two weeks – TWO WEEKS. I would have killed for visitors-ANY visitors. I wouldn’t have even minded if they asked for beverages and food, as long as they held the baby.
Wow. The essay on do-nothing baby holding has been shared on facebook 27,000 times in the 27 hours it’s been up on Scary Mommy. There are some scathing comments on various sites but I think the 27k shares outweighs 30 scathing comments.
The way it’s written is meant to be biting and over-the-top but the soul of it is entirely true to me. It’s an internal voice that a lot of us mothers have, whether we outwardly acknowledge it or not. And if you don’t have that voice then goody for you. Some women poop unicorn rainbows; I get that.
People are giving me shit for “not being able to celebrate my baby without someone bringing me food” and I have to ask, what the hell are you talking about? Had I not been celebrating that baby since I peed on the stick? Do you think that I, personally, can’t love and appreciate my little human without someone else shining up my refrigerator? What does that have to do with feeling like an overwhelmed first-time mom with a child whose tiny body needed FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS to outgrow his severe colic?
These rules are about MY story and my friends and my family. Some performed awesome acts of loving kindness and some– even those with children or who had already raised children of their own– boggled my mind with their inept behavior and pig-headed comments. I wish I could include the more outrageous things but they’ll know that I’m talking about them. And they ALL knew about bad my baby’s colic was, how desperate I was feeling, and how hard of a time I was having figuring it all out.
When you have a child who is so severely colicky yes, it is a really big deal to squeeze your fat ass into something that fits and sit around and listen to whatever the hell it is this baby-holder feels like talking about. The shit baby-holders talk about boggles my mind, too!
I often didn’t find the time to go pee in an entire day. I didn’t brush my teeth. I didn’t feed myself. There was no way I would have been rushing around making myself and my house “presentable” if this person wasn’t coming over. When it would turn out that they were making themselves into a guest and weren’t there to lend a hand, their company was really not welcome in my mind because of how hard my struggle was at the time.
I was so overwhelmed and lost and often found that even when my own mom would visit that I was resentful that it became “my time to do my chores” while she held my baby because she wasn’t going to cook or clean; those days were long over for her.
I just wanted someone to help me while *I* held my baby. Or do something to help in the rare moments that the baby slept. I think that’s part of being a loving friend or relative– not just showing up.
I’m not talking about people who were “desperate for adult conversation” (question: for women who have significant others coming home at the end of the work day can you really not go 9 hours with talking to an adult’s face?) or single moms or women with deployed husbands or people with twins or triplets.
I’m talking about the vast majority of new mothers. They have singleton babies and they have a husband coming home at the end of the day. There wasn’t one person whose company and help I wanted more than I wanted my husband’s.
And truly, when someone would show up and not ask if they could bring anything, didn’t bring any food, didn’t bring even a tiny thoughtful gift, didn’t ask how they could help I really, I really wondered what the hell they thought they were doing there.
But hey, not everyone has the difficult baby I had the first time. My second baby was an angel that fell from the sky and slept for 2 months only waking to nurse. This was my story. It doesn’t have to be yours. It doesn’t make me an ungrateful bitch who should be waiting on others in celebration of this kid who was driving me to the brink of insanity.
therobynnest recently posted..Day in the Life
I get it that the article’s supposed to be a little bit tongue-in-cheek. But honestly, it’s a little nerve-wracking to visit a new baby anyway. You don’t want to say the wrong thing to the mom, you don’t want to hold the baby the wrong way, you wonder if you even SHOULD hold the baby, etc.
Thinking that the mom was judging ME the way she claims not to want to be judged would really throw me off and would make me not want to visit.
And really, the “shit” we (baby holders) talk about? I think moms are more guilty of this than anyone. I wish I could write a letter to my mom friends telling them I do NOT want to hear about their blocked milk ducts, what their infant son’s penis looked like after his circumcision, or how what color the baby’s poop was today.
Well this could turn into a fun sub-topic, then. What’s worse? New mom conversation topics or baby-holder topics? My sister called me in the hospital to tell me how she was passed over for a job promotion. I’d literally just had my baby. Yes, she knew that.
therobynnest recently posted..If you’re just stopping by to see what kind of ungrateful B would write such a thing…
And I would add that as a new mom it was easily a full year before I could talk about anything other than baby poop and what my boobs were doing. And I’m a lawyer; when I returned to work, it was at court. I could not stop myself from talking about boobs and poop, even to judges. And I KNEW it was going over badly and I could not shut myself up.
therobynnest recently posted..If you’re just stopping by to see what kind of ungrateful B would write such a thing…
My in-laws visited from out of state 8 weeks after I had our firstborn. I had already returned to school full time. They proceeded to judge the way my house was kept and later when I gave my father-in-law a resume to look over he promptly pointed out that I was not an organized person because he remembered from the last time he visited. Unbelievable!
Alternative title for this article: “How to act if you want your friends to never come over after your baby is born.”
This is perfect! When I had my second baby, a girlfriend came to the hospital and spent the whole time talking about her new boyfriend…even sat on my hospital bed while she engaged everyone else in the room in her conversation about said boyfriend. I was too tired to show my disbelief. To this day I still can’t believe it!
I’m not sure it ever mattered what the conversation was about for me. I was glad to just have someone to talk with (yes, even right after giving birth). The new baby wasn’t the only thing happening in the world. He was sweet, cuddly and pooped a lot but honestly, in my opinion, it was great to hear about something other than how tired I was, how much my boobs hurt, or how many ounces the baby was eating. It is good, especially within the first week to talk about other things and other people’s drama. It helps you feel “normal” again.
The perfect baby gift…pay attention people! A gift bag that contains: nursing pads, sanitary pads, vaseline (for circumcisions and diaper rash), stool softener (because who knew you needed THAT?) newborn diapers (the tiny ones for the first couple days), whatever they are recommending nowadays for umbilical cord care, infant tylenol, and anything else you can think of that they will need that first week. Because I know I didn’t want to send my husband out to get this stuff (it would be wrong anyway) lol, and I wasn’t moving too fast either!
I guess what bothers me as MIL is: when my children were born, I certainly hated visitors coming over for all reasons given but adored when my mother or in-laws came as they were there to allow me and my husband to enjoy the baby. They made tea and meals to freeze and did laundry and helped me out with the unknown. I just wanted to be that person for someone else and who better than a DIL? It is very difficult to have a DIL that just doesn’t like any help and resents it as she feels we are saying she isn’t capable if we offer to help. We aren’t even allowed to be alone with the first child for more than 1/2 hour in a week and she is about 2.5 now. Remember we live 1500 miles away so visits are very rare.
For most new mothers, especially those recovering from a c-section, and especially those coming home with a premature baby, the first few weeks can be really tough as you’re just coming to terms with the fact that looking after a tiny human being involves sacrificing your time to sleep, eat, brush your teeth, change into clean clothes, etc.
But it was precisely for these reasons that I allowed visitors after a few weeks. I needed to snap out of what I felt was a downward spiral of early motherhood and feel normal again. To that end, I even found the time and energy to bake a cake for our first visitors! And after our first lot of guests left, I suddenly felt better for having survived my first social event after coming home with the baby, and that burst of confidence slowly helped me to adjust to my new role as a mother.
I would absolutely love for someone to cook, clean and shop for me at the moment (baby is currently 8 weeks old), but I just wouldn’t have the heart to ask anyone (except my husband) to attend to any of these tasks; most people, quite frankly, are only visiting to get a glimpse of your newborn.
Which is another reason why I said ok to having visitors in the early weeks. Newborns lose their newborn look so quickly that it would be a shame not show them off during this period.
Having said the above, friends and family should definitely be more mindful of what the new parents need. Sure you are taking time out of your busy lives to pay a respectful visit but, in the first few weeks or even months, the new mother is going to be sleep-deprived, hormonal, still getting to grips with breastfeeding and/or pumping, anxious to find some sort of sleeping routine and wondering how this will fit in with visits from friends and family. While it’s more than ok to hold the baby for a little bit (especially if the new mother insists so she can have a nap, a shower or just go and pee), your visit would be more welcome if you could do something to help out the new mother and lift her spirits a little.
If someone were to compile some rules of etiquette when visiting new mothers, I would advocate for the following:
1. Bring food instead of flowers. Home-cooked meals would be much welcome but even a bag of fruit would be gratefully received.
2. Stuck on gift ideas for the baby or parents? Buy nappies, wipes, nursing pads … you can never have too many of these items and you will save the parents some shopping time. Call ahead and find out about brands and sizes.
3. Limit your visit to about 30 minutes. This should be enough time to enquire about the parents’ well-being and to quickly cuddle the baby.
4. Refrain from giving any advice on parenting or breastfeeding unless you are specifically asked for your opinion.
5. As someone has mentioned above in the comments, absolutely refrain from looking at the mother’s breasts and questioning out loud whether she has enough milk. Especially if you are a guy.
Dear Robyn.
You are brilliant.
I’m printing – and sending – and posting this article.
Thank you.
Whenever someone comes over to visit, I find out how long they are going to stay. If it’s two hours, I prepare bottles and change my son’s dirty diaper. Once the “guest” shows up, that person is handed a baby and I go to sleep.
Glad I’m not your friend
As a 30 year old, single, non-mother who works full-time (scratch that, more than full-time) I am disappointed in this article. I have a great deal of friends who have multiple children under the age of 6 and have gladly taken time out of my busy life to visit (might I add, I always ask if they would like anything prior to my arriving. Oh, I’ll also add that I always ask these new Mom’s to let me know the best time to visit so as not to disturb them) not only in the hospital but once they are home as well. I think you need a dose of reality and a strong one at that. Remember being grateful to have friends who take time out of their own lives to be a part of yours and share in the joy of your new baby? Remember appreciating having friends stop by at all? How would you feel if no one bothered to come visit you at the hospital? How would you feel if that friend read this article FIRST and realized they could only be invited if they also cleaned your house, did your laundry, bought you the (correct) gift and, according to you, didn’t bounce your baby? If we stupid ‘single non-mother women’ only knew we were breaking the rules by LOVING you and your babies we would have certainly thought differently. I am seriously offended by your section about gifts. Unless you’re independently wealthy (and if you are, respecfully buzz off) it’s not easy buying multiple shower gifts for girlfriends. The gifts are expensive and by the way we’ve also bought you wedding shower, wedding and bachelorette party gifts. So, according to you, we should also bring another gift upon our visit but it best not be decor or something you HATE because GOD FORBID! Have you stopped to think maybe that small trinket meant something to your friend? Maybe it was all they could afford but they still wanted to bring a little something for the baby. How ungrateful of you to COMPLAIN over it not being the RIGHT gift. Shame on you. I love my friends children with all my heart and will continue to ask when I can swing by to visit them. I will not, however, offer to do my friends laundry or clean their houses (with that said, I’m sure many of your friends asked if you needed anything and rather than grow a set of lady balls and say ‘would you mind terribly throwing the clothes in the dryer, you instead wrote a blog). After all, did you not choose this fate of motherhood? The last time I checked motherhood is a choice denied to many (including some of my dearest friends). You are not dying, you have not had a terrible accident. You gave birth to a baby. Yes, you’re exhausted, you can barely see, you’re in pain, but guess what? YOU CHOSE THIS! Life is about choices, honey, and if you want to complain about it and the people who are trying to share in your joy you best stop complaining and start being grateful or the next time you have a blessing enter your life…no one will be there to share it with you.
Sincerely,
Scary Single Career Oriented Non-Mother
Actually, we asked that no one visit us at the hospital for the birth of our 2nd child. Believe it or not, people have differences of opinion on the issue of having a child. As a non-mother you wouldn’t know how lovely it is to cocoon yourself with your husband and new sleeping baby, keeping the disruptions to a minimum. I’m not really sure why you’re commenting on this article at all, especially with such authority.
therobynnest recently posted..Starting Over
Now, that I can completley get behind! By that I mean asking your friends/family to give you time to live in the ‘cocoon’ as a new family. My ‘hurt’ lies in the new moms who don’t say what they want/need but then critisize our (non-mom) behaviors. We don’t know what you want or need unless you tell us so we’re going to do what we think you may like because we care enough and are happy enough for your family to do so. For example, I once bought my friends child an age appropriate gift that I couldn’t necessarily afford but was genuinely excited to give her. When she opened it (the mom) she mocked it in front of everyone because she felt it was all wrong. There I was, a single woman without children at a childs birthday party feeling like an outsider because I picked the wrong gift. I was so terribly embarrassed by that…truly, it was a lesson learned. I now ask before important events what they need or what the kids would like and now we have a great system for gift giving and what not. To answer your question, I commented on this article because I think it’s important to remember that yours isn’t the only point of view out there when it comes to motherhood. We single gals would love a heads up on what you need or want. The worst feeling in the world for a non-mom friend is the feeling that your generousity was taken for granted/demeaned/mocked (because, again, we have no idea what you need unless you tell us…). I think it’s important to remain grateful for the people in your life who may not always get you what you want, stay too long for a visit when you’re exhausted, interrupt your cocoon time beacuse there are so many in this world who have no one there for them (myself included, in regards to reliable immediate family). I understand this was meant to be funny and sarcastic, I do, but I wanted to share my opinion as well.
Robyn, you don’t need to validate your post to anyone. Presumeably, friends that come to see your baby are friends with which you used to go out to dinner at no less than a $30 tab per person? So….to bring you a fancypants burger and truffle fries from the local “gourmet” should not break the bank. (Can you guess what my holy Last Supper was before C-section?)
And I disagree with you: at that FIRST visit, you get to talk about milk running into your armpit (when you thought you were just really sweaty), exposing yourself to your photographer friend’s husband when they came to visit you in the hospital, and that horrendous first poop that was worse than childbirth. Hey, you might gross out your friends, but then they just might leave you with THEIR lunch as well ;) Bonus!!!
This article discourages people from visiting friends with babies and makes people feel like a piece of dirt because they want to cuddle the baby. As a mother of a newborn, I LOVE visitors, any kind. There is absolutely NO expectation that they clean my house, do my laundry, or clean my kitchen- that is ridiculous! Any food brought is a nice gesture, but I certainly do not expect my friends to come shower me with gifts and high end take out. I want friends to come over because they want to see me and my little one and not feel obligation to become my personal butler while they are in my house. I get this is supposed to be funny, but it is too one-sided and comes off as ungrateful and frankly rude. I hope no one shares this with friends or family without babies, because I will never go over to the person’s house who posted this on Facebook.
Rita-couldn’t agree with you more! As a non-mother it’s wonderful to see that you appreciate the little things! Good for you!
I really hate these posts. YOU are the one who wanted to have the kid. STOP thinking that others owe you things (gifts, food, chores, whatever) because of YOUR decision. Nobody owes you anything. You’re lucky that anyone wants to visit at all, so stop acting like you’re doing them some favor by allowing them to hold your kid. I’m sure there are a lot of people who don’t want to hold your crying baby, who actually think it’s ugly, and who really don’t care about all the stress your under as a result of YOUR choice, but they are kind enough to put put up with your whining, tell you the monster is “cute,” and even hold it for a few minutes to prove it to you. You should be grateful, not demanding.
To all you snooty ass bitches yall need to realize that some people actually want to celebrate the life of a new child coming into the world… to have to bring classy foods like issteak.fish. or even a fat pork loin or rib rack rack completely assinine… be respectful as a soon to be new father i hope all the dads ro be will back me on this by telling you all that love is love and i would rather have everyone see my new child the no one seeing her
I’m sorry but I stopped reading after it says “if you can’t afford to buy lunch (from a higher end restarant) then u can’t afford to hold the baby…..WTF what a load of BS…..my wife and just had twins and we would expect anyone to show up with food
Meant to say *wouldn’t*
Maybe someone will show up with your lost sense of humor and then you can go back and understand that was a joke? I hope so! You’re going to need it.
robyn recently posted..Gummy Hearts
Friends should be polite and respectful. They shouldn’t have to follow a strict list of rules in order to make a new mom happy. The new mom is the one who decided to have the child, not the friend or the family.
Maybe it was meant to be sarcastic but its also offensive and its probably a good thing I am not friends with you cause I don’t care how close friends we are I not washing underwear of anyone unless I am having sex with them or they came out of my own vagina!!!
My stats so you can all judge me:
27, married, childless because i’m infertile
As a women who has been at the trying to conceive game for over 2 years and shells out thousands of dollars on fertility treatments to have a child – I am SO LUCKY! Because I know when I have kids to not become this type of “mommy”. I can’t wait to have a baby. But I’m a grown up, and if I can’t handle visitors, I’ll be sure to state that. And luckily, where I live, we have take out and grocery stores deliver so looks like I won’t have to rely on everyone to feed me like an invalid. Oh yeah, I have a husband with a driver’s license, a car and a wallet.
Infertility forces you to put on your big girl panties. Thank God.
And I’ll never look at a woman who doesn’t have children and assume she’s selfish. Uneducated and barefoot much? Maybe she’ll find the cure for cancer while you breed. Wouldn’t that be a shame?
Mamas, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen! Their are tons of people ready for the challenge!
This is snarky and for people with a good sense of humor – take a dose of your own medicine.
I had difficulty conceiving too. Three kids later I look at it as a blessing and a curse all rolled into one. Not having it handed to me made me really appreciate it more when I was lucky enough for it to happen. It really makes you focus on what you have instead of what you don’t! Good luck on your journey to the world greatest gift and I wish you all the best!
Hahahahaha! Ok, now I’m having second thoughts about being a mother, if this is what it will turn me into.
Exactly my thoughts!! I know enough new moms though to know not all turn into self-important greedy people.
Interesting topic, thanks for raising it Robyn! Check out some things we wish we’d known about being a new mom here: http://www.care.com/child-care-15-things-i-wish-id-known-about-newborns-p1017-q20675664.html
Wow. If that is your approach to friendship, I’m surprised you have any friends left who are willing to visit and take interest in your family.
Thank you, I thought I was alone on this. I can understand a schedule for out of town guest and family so you don’t have a house full, but if this is the new trend, fine lets put it on Facebook and email everyone and just tell them not to come by, guess then you don’t need the shower gift either.
So thankful my friends are nothing like you. If you can’t afford a nice lunch, you can’t afford to hold a baby? Really? You’re surely the mother who inspired the blog stfuparents.
Julie, I’m with you. Guess I’m just old, but I enjoyed the visitors and what ever they dropped off, home cooked meal was just fine with me.
Could not have said it better myself! Amen sister :)
I think some of the advice here was good, but I think a lot of the advice or suggestion were a little…well chill out. I’ve has 3 c-sections, the last 2 were just 14 months apart, I was always happy to have people come to visit or drop by or what ever, no one and I mean no one expects a new mom and dad to have the house or anything else picked up. They dont care what you look like. just relax and enjoy. First time moms and dads can be over whelmed but its okay just chill out take your shoes off and relax. My daughter is having her first baby in June, first grandchild on both sides, she has made a schedule, one week stays for anyone that comes to see the baby, but they must care for themselves and must help out with the chores. And only the grandparents are to be at the birth…day. They live out of state, so I rented and apt. to be close by but not to to live in there house, because I know she will need help and I want to be close if and when I’m needed. So for all you newbies, the drop in visitors don’t stay long. Just be excited that you have family and friends that want to see the the sweet baby. Manners and be gracious receivers…plant and all.
How about don’t bring your children over when you know that they will be holy terrors. A friend of mine showed p with two toddlers that were out of control…..brutal
You had a baby, you didn’t lose a limb. What a bunch of self entitled bitches. I would rather not visit thank you.
So rude, and so subjective – perhaps you expect these ridiculous levels of reverence from your friends, but in my house a guest is a guest. Especially when they care enough about me and my squalling infant to visit, and admire, and support. I’m glad I don’t have a friend like you – you are That Friend to me. Enjoy your solitude and chicken casseroles.
I think this is a great post. I hadn’t thought about what it’s going to be like when we have visitors when we bring the babies home.
While I don’t expect my wonderful friends to buy me fancy food or clean up, I do know now that it’s worth speaking up if my guests are overstaying their welcome. I would imagine I’ll be an emotional wreck with a short fuse. I also see that I should be super grateful for anyone helping out in those trying weeks.
To those super offended by this post, didn’t you see the warning on nearly every page?? “You’ve been warned…” Is it really worth it to be so pissed and indignant about someone else’s opinion on what they needed after they brought their baby home? If you don’t agree, then don’t be that way. It’s really really not a big deal. Aye yie yie.
Great. We just put the baby down when I was reading this article so my husband and I were sitting in a chair dying out laughing in hushed voices…great. I married into a mexican family and we must have had 3-4 visits per DAY that first week. When our daughter was 5 days old, and threw her first scream fest we had a “THAT friend” over: She came at 4pm, carrying nothing but her high heeled, mini skirted long ass legs, sat in a chair and watched our “WTF am I supposed to do” new parents faces till almost 12pm!!! At 8pm my husband and I retired to “sleep” and she stayed, chatting with my MIL. After my FIL went to sleep it finally occurred to her it’s time to leave. The baby is 5 months old now and I just keep ignoring her “let me come and hold the baby” pledges. No fucking way. Are you kidding me?!
When my first child was born, we had a 16 year old girl and a 12 year old girl living next door. I was 28 and conversations with them were less than stimulating to say the least.
From the moment we arrived home with the baby they bombarded us with requests to hang out and see the baby. They literally came running into our yard before we could even get in the house. For months they would come over every day, many times more than once a day, and beg to come “visit” and would even bring their friends over saying “my friend wants to see the baby”. I allowed it in the very beginning as I wanted to remain “neighborly” and polite but after that first week or two I had enough. I finally put a sign on the door that said new mother and baby sleeping. DO NOT KNOCK. I would even leave it up if I was just watching TV. Several times they would even ignore the sign.
Finally after being woke up from one too many naps and having my colicky infant woke up too many times from blatant disrespect, I told them in a not so neighborly way to go away. My thoughts the entire time we lived next to them always were what kind of a mother was the lady next door that she would allow her daughters to behave this way???? I was suffering from postpartum depression, all alone while my bf worked 14 hour days, trying to figure out WTH I was doing wrong while my son cried the hours away. WHY would she think I have the time, energy or patience to entertain someone else’s children all day???
Who ever wrote this article seems like a snob. “if you can’t afford to buy her a nice lunch then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby”, really? How about having a friend who cares enough to come visit? I am a young person, but I have to say I like when people are around and visit me unexpectedly. That means people are actually thinking about me, and are comfortable with me to know they are welcome anytime.
I totally disagree with this article. It certainly can be nice if someone brings a meal or a gift but I would never feel put out by a friend coming to show love an support because they didnt bring something? That is so bizarre. I loved having visitors and happily had some of them stay for dinner. Saying someone can’t afford to visit if they can’t afford a gift? Wow, glad my friends don’t feel that way.
I don’t agree with saying people have to bring you a gift. It is pretty sorry to tell someone they have to spend money to see your child. I also don’t like the part about people coming over to clean your house. They would have to be a REALLY close friend for me to want that. Otherwise, it would just be someone spending a long time at my house while I have to sit and chat with them. A quick visit, 10-20 minutes, and then leaving would be better. I am really happy that my friends don’t feel like they have to purchase a gift or clean my house in order to stop by. The author of this must be pretty high maintenance. People just need to ask before coming over and not get their feelings hurt if that day just isn’t going to work out for the mom. I think the whole article would have been better with just the top part, leave the rules out because the rules that this lady has seem to be pretty ridiculous. The only semi normal “rules” in this are 1. Don’t eat her food and 2. Take pictures if you are a photographer (but, in my opinion, don’t be pushy because sometimes people don’t feel like dressing their kid for the 10th time that day).
Wait a second.
I keep reading comments freely dropping the word “entitlement” (or other iterations thereof), and all I think is, “Isn’t it a bit entitled to show up at someone’s house under the guise of being ‘helpful’ or ‘loving’, but only serve your own needs and purposes?”
Honestly, let’s think about this: if I REALLY want to be helpful, I’ll ask – in a concrete way – what somebody needs, or I’ll offer what I think the other person wants or what I can give, with the option that mom can turn it down. It’s like with giving a gift — I can choose to buy my boyfriend “Friends – the Complete Series” box set because *I* want to talk about it with him, or I can buy him “Battlestar Galactica” on DVD because I know that’s what *he* wants, with a gift receipt attached just in case. The first one was about me and fitting my wants; the second was about him.
Maybe we just need to be more honest about our intentions. “I’m coming over because I want to hold your baby, because I love babies and they’re squishy and awesome” is an honest statement that lets mom say, “Huh. Fair enough,” or, “Hell no, I’m tired.” And for me to say, “I definitely want some baby-holding time, but I also know that you probably need your floor swept and some mac&cheese, and I can make those happen for you,” is clear and fair enough to mom that she might say, “Sweet. Can we trade floor-sweeping for you-hold-the-kiddo-and-I’ll-nap? You can still make the mac, though.”
I’m single & without a child. That being said….are you serious? 1)I will never come over to a friends home without being invited.2) I really don’t care to hold your baby, I’m just being polite. 3) I have a full time job & responsibilities, without a partner for help. So NO I will NOT come over & do housework. If I travel to your home for a visit be gracious & offer me more than a glass of tap water (yes, this really happened). 4) Stop complaining! I don’t care that your husband isn’t home to take out the garbage or what baby food your making. Being a good friend I listen BUT I too have a life, so listen up!
If I bring a gift or try to do something nice, say thank you. Like a regular human being!
These are some great tips. I just went for a visit to my cousin’s– she just had twins. We got a few cute outfits at Burlitgon for the kids, and brought some lunch with us. It was a great visit and with the prices we got on the outfits, it looked like we spent a lot more than we actually had. The clothes were about half what they would have cost in the department store.